Broke up with him. In need of kind words and strength..Is he trying to manipulate me?

[OrchidRain]

So, I finally bit the bullet this past weekend and did it. I called him and told him how I was feeling and broke up with him. He told me this isn’t what he wants but he knows it’s my decision. And though he has been trying harder to be better and more compassionate, it isn’t enough. He took it better than I thought he would, and then he just had to throw one last thing in my face.

 

Really short background. We’re both 24, been dating for 4 years. My biggest issue centered around his lack of ability to say “I love you.” I mean, 4 years?! We talked about it and everything and I told him that if he actually couldn’t say it, he needed to show me in a way I translated into that (basically cuddling with me, holding my hand…basic boyfriend stuff right?). He couldn’t do that either. If I went to hold his hand, he suddenly needed it for something, if I snuggled with him on the couch, suddenly he was crowded or he would give me 2 minutes of that and then shift away from me. I felt like I had to initiate all (affectionate, not sexual) touching.

 

My anger towards the whole situation has basically turned to resentment. I don’t want to be, I love him very much, but I’ve been so hurt for so long…I’m almost numb.

 

When I broke up with him, I told him I’ve had a great time with him and I really do love him but I just can’t do it anymore. Right as we are about to get off the phone, I apologized again and told him one more time that I do love him (it actually felt a little good to finally be able to say it out loud) and he chose that instant to tell me, “I love you too.”

 

WHAT?! This crushed me! Part of me even thought I imagined it!! Part of me was a little glad to finally hear it, more of me is angry. Ridiculously angry. Is this sincere? Did he want to tell me at least once in case I never call to take him back? Or is it what I’m surer of, a manipulation to get me to stay.

 

So far it has been NC and now, three days after the breakup he texts me. “I want to talk to you?” I didn’t answer partly because I was at dinner with my mother and partly because I didn’t know what to say nor really want to talk to him. He waited like 30 minutes before firing off another text saying, “Whatever. I guess you have better things to do.” What?! Even if I had wanted to answer, he could only be bothered to wait for half and hour?

 

I know that I don’t want him back. I guess I am just looking for advice on how to take that “Love” thing and how to handle talking to him. I am so confused and a little afraid that I won’t stand my ground if I talk to him too soon.

[Billie The Puppet]

I think you made the right choice.

4 years no I love you? Until he lost you.

 

Sometimes it takes losing someone to realize what you have lost.

 

He didn't snuggle or hold hands?

 

Some guys are to macho I suppose but there is nothing more than I like ti do than appreciate my woman and do those things. To bad mine split.

 

Stick to NC for awhile, he is not supposed to chase being a dumpee and all. Give yourself time and if you feel you made the wrong choice you break NC and chase him.

[thatsonlyme]

First I think you need to try to understand your feelings. You said you love him but you don't want him back. I guess that's part of women psychology I just don't seem to understand. I think my ex is doing the same thing to me and she was really clear that she doesn't want to get back together ever. We had different issues and our relationship was actually good. She was maybe a little on the colder side, not very cuddly and it was hard to get "I love you" out of her, just like your ex bf, but it never bothered me that much.

 

I'm not saying you should give him another chance if you really don't want to, but if I was you I'd at least consider it. Sometimes person doesn't know what he/she has until he/she loses it. People hardly ever change and I'm a firm believer in "one chance per woman, per life time" rule, but in case of my last ex I was ready to give it another shot. It all depends on real reasons for break up though and what your expectations are. Love is more than just cuddling and holding hands but I can't imagine myself living without it either.

 

Good luck

[quankanne]

if, during that whole four-year period y'all were together, he found it difficult to show affection through action, much less words, he's not gonna change. I get the feeling his declaration of "I love" when you told him that was it was his last-ditch effort to keep you to go. Ironically enough, using emotionalism to keep you in place. Respond by staying with him, he's going to interpret that as "all I have to do is tell her I love her, everything will be just fine, because it's my 'get outta jail free' card" (you know, from the Monopoly board game?)

 

until he can get to a spot where saying he loves you and showing he loves you comes naturally, you're going to be miserable. And you've had 4 years of trying to get him to loosen up, to no avail.

 

continue with no contact, because all that's going to happen is you getting sucked into a relationship you're not happy with, based on his idea that he can use those words to keep you where he wants you ...

 

if for some reason you DO end up having to talk with him, and he tries to argue his case, simply thank him for saying what he said, but you are no longer interested in trying, four years was ample time to try to find a happy meeting ground. Then walk away and reinitiate NC.

 

Love is more than just cuddling and holding hands until you've been in a relationship with someone who refuses to share those small things, you cannot understand what exactly love encompasses. Those little things are what show you that the other person wants to be/enjoys being with you. It's never so much about word, but deed ...

[OrchidRain]

Let me expand a little bit.

 

I think I was spoiled a little the first year. We were in college and our dorm rooms were practically right next door to eachother. He would pull me down onto the couch to lay there with him to watch a movie. He would hold me all night when I slept over...

 

We moved in and it slowly started to fade away. I expected it to a point, but this was more. He wouldn't hold my hand at all. He complained if I only wanted to make out. He would stand over me in the kitchen and almost critique how I would cook (and then complain that I don't cook enough). We had a love seat and a couch and he would sit in the loveseat in the middle and kinda push me out. He wouldn't cuddle - ever. If I went to touch him, he would go with it for a minute and then pull away. All touching he initiated led directly to sex. I had no physical affection. It got to the point where if he did touch me, I knew that was the only thing he really wanted.

 

I took the bold jump and told him I loved him first. He told me that he didn't want to tell me till he was ready and I didn't want to push him. The second time I told him, he didn't really say anything and later that night told me how he is so worried about his debt. And I really tried not to push him. But couple that with the lack of affection...

After a while I would mention it when we fought. That was a terrible idea just because it's bitchy but really because he couldn't see past his rage that it wasn't about the word. I would be disappointed if he couldn't ever tell me, but if I felt loved and if I actaully felt wanted I wouldn't need to hear it.

 

So. Now we're apart. And he's finally seeing how much I really cared and what he had. He had texted me a couple times and I don't know what to say. The first one was like, I would like to talk to you? And now he is getting angry (I can hear his voice coming out) with me for not answering him. He seems to think that simply because we've been together four years I need to respond right when he callls to me!

 

I do love him. So much so that I put up with it in the hopes that it would get better but I just lost it. I feel like I've lost my sense of self and I no longer know what I want. So much of what I did was for him...probably to finally get him to at least act like he loved me.

 

I sound so pathetic. I'm sitting thinking about what I should say, but I feel like I have nothing at all to say. I've said it all before and he didn't listen then.

[quankanne]

sounds like you're pretty well in touch with what you want from a relationship, and the fact that he's not capable of giving it – ever heard of the term "emotionally retarded"? That's what it sounds like he's suffering from, emotional retardation – that he understands what it is you seek, but for whatever reason is incapable or unable to give of himself.

 

red flags do pop up when you go into more detail about the relationship, and I see someone who's incapable of reciprocating affection, respect, etc in a relationship. Girl, I think you got out in time ...

[OrchidRain]

I want to think that in the big scheme of things, I didn't ask for a lot. I just can't understand why it is so hard for him to do any of it.

 

I feel so torn. Part of me wants to just stop speaking to him. I'm a firm believer in NC. And he hasn't been asking to talk to me, he's been demanding it! It's only been four days. And why would I want to answer, "After four years you owe me at least a text"? I know I am going to have to say something eventually, and out of sheer love and respect I want to do it sooner rather than later, but I feel like I need to be on the defensive now. 'You owe me!' I owe you what?!

 

I wish I knew what to say. I feel like I can never word it just right. And I don't know if I have the strength to hold firm. I don't want to give him false hope.