My story - does it seem like we are wrong together?

[Fluffsticle]

Hi Folks...

 

I appreciate that everyone has an oponion, and has had experiences here that seem to taint Peoples way of viewing... But I'm just looking to see how this seems to everyone.

 

I have an ex fiance, and we were together for 7 years. During this time we lived away in a different country and traveled a bit. I became a person where I had lost a lof of self confidence, and in the end became miserable. Our sex life was bad and we weren't happy with this. We could not continue into a marriage in the hope that everything would be fixed. He broke up with me, although I saw it needed to happen. After we broke up I asked if he loved me, he answered he didn't think so. This is what I needed to never ask him to make it work.

 

He is an outgoing confident person, who I used to look to for advice, inspiration. I admired him in a lot of ways, and I loved him so much.

 

We broke up over 2 years ago. We both got on with our lives, dated others etc and he traveled.

Recently he came home from traveling to get back with me. He said that we had both regained our own lives, our families and our interests and our independance, that we were missing so much and was making us miserable. He said he would do anything to have us back in love. He would do whatever it takes.

 

We spent the first couple of dates doing fun stuff, having a laugh and enjoying being with eachother. Fancying the pants off eachother. Noticing all the things about eachother that we used to love. Telling eachother how happy we are, and how we love all the little things about eachother. Then I learned that he had slept with a girl only 4 weeks after we broke up. This devistated me. I found this hard to deal with. I didn't know how to deal with it. And we stoped the dates as such, and just started meeting up randomly, and usually ended up talking about thios stuff and getting no where.

I allowed this to open a door to his past, a past that seemed to have hurt me a lot for various reasons. I could not let go of these things, and I spent the past 6 weeks getting digs in at things from his past, and causing him to feel horrible about himself. He has never done anything wrong to me. I am not by nature a nasty person at all, in fact I am the opposite. But I only began to realise how hurt I was over things that happened. I tried to explain how I was feeling and hurting. And I never called him names or had a big row with him.

 

About 2/3 weeks ago, I started thinking.... Why has he not done anything to win me back, to prove to me that he would never make the same mistakes again, to reassure me that I mean to him what he says I meant to him. I felt I needed him to show remorse or some actions to help me see positives in him, to start feeling something again, that would help me let go of these insignificant things from him past.

 

So I asked him. I told him what I had expected when he came back to get me back in his life. I told him I needed gestures and actions, some of them were in fact over the top, and unrealistic. But I said to him that this is what I deserve, because it's how I would treat someone else.

 

He understood everything I said to him. He took a few days to think about it because he said he wanted to find out why he hadn't been doing things to make me feel so special, and these things that I deserve.

 

We spoke after the few days... he said to me that he hadn't been making big gestures 'hang over motorway with a big sign saying I am his world' because he is not madly in love with me. He said he would not feel right doing these things because they wouldn't be true to how he was feeling at that time.

I agreed that I am not madly in love with him either. However I love the person from years ago. And so does he.

(We have been apart 2 years, and we only know the old People we used to be, and don't know who we are now.)

 

So I said I need to think about this, because I knew I deserved to be treated better. I focused on the fact that he "should" be doing these things, because it's what I'm worth. I never realised that I had been running him into the ground, being insecure, contacting him a lot, and at the same time expecting him to show me how great he thinks I am. I guess I was wrong to expect this.

 

From that time, we have argued, and seemed to drift completely.

 

We have talked and he fears that i will never get over the hurt of everything. He said he will never let himself fall madly in love with me, because he is afraid it might never work out and we will get hurt all over again. He said I deserve better than how he is treating me and how he hurt me. He said he doesn't think he can be the person that I want him to be or deserve.

He said he wants us more then anything... but he doesn't see it working out. All the odds are against us.

 

He also has doubts about us being suited as People, because we don't think the same way anymore. We have different viewpoints on things now etc, and our hobbies are slightly different. (I am happy about these things, and the reason we broke up was to get our individuality back) He says I can't read his mind anymore, and when we talk we hear eachother but we don't seem to understand eachother, in the last 4 weeks or so.

 

He said I am expecting too much of him, and putting lots of pressure on us. Am I?

 

He feels that he cannot be himself completely around me. He has issues about being able to be himself around everyone. He changes in a way to please them. He thinks maybe that he was always trying to be the brilliant boyfriend years ago, and maybe it's not really him to be thoughtful and caring and show someone how much you love them through actions.

 

He has a lot going on with himself at the moment, and doesn't know who he is really.

 

I too have doubts about us being suited as people, because I lost a lot of confidence, and I wonder is it because he is the type of person to always advise you to do what he thinks is best. Because I admired him, I usually assumed his advice was the best, and in the end maybe it played a part in me losing my confidence, and took away my independance. Although I know this is an issue within me... Could this be a major deal breaker for the 2 of us?

 

I have doubts about him being able to stick the pace of the rough road. Doubts that he would always love me.

 

I am worried that we are walking away because all the odds are stacked against us. Is it common to feel that all the odds are against you? I am worried that we are cracking under the pressure of it all. That all we are seeing is negatives, and we are not able to see the positive. I am worried that if he had his issues dealt with, if he can just be himself that I would be able to love him for exactly how he is. And that he would be able to love me and commit because he would see things more positively.

 

But I too am worried that someone that seems to give up easily is not someone who will stay with me through all the tough times ahead.

 

As it stands we are broked up. He said he didn't see a way to fix things. All the odds are against us. The only thing we have left fighting for is that huge love we had for eachother years ago... I suggested couples councelling, and he said he needs to go to councelling for him before he can do anything else.

 

Do you think we are just not ment to be? Not suited? Are these doubts normal? This amount of them?

 

I'm not sure what's keeping me hanging on, expect that feeling years ago, of the two of being so in love. Like we wanted nor needed nothing else in the world. The feeling that we got on so well, the feeling that we thought along the same level. I see the odds are against us, but something inside me would work for this.

 

Although I am the kind of person that because he has aired his doubts, and has said that he thinks we are not suited, and we should break up before we get in any deeper. I would not argue with him, because I never want someone to be with me that doesn't want to be with me. And I never want to force anything.

 

I'm not sure how tough couples have it when getting back together... This is my story, and any unbiased oponions would be great...

 

Thank you

[Billie The Puppet]

The story seems like you both want to make the effort to make it work but the love just can't reach what it once was before it went south. It doesn't sound like letting go and starting fresh has occurred thus problems arise. First of all him having sex 4 weeks after you split is none of your concern and this topic should have never been brought up by either of you. It's not a reflection of your love it has nothing to do with you. Side note: how many weeks on your mind would have been acceptable?

 

You also placed him in an awkward spot by asking him to show appreciation and to win you back he needs to do more etc. This would be pushing him away as it's placing you on a pedalstal which usually is a cause of breaking up. He needs to love himself first and foremost and can't place you higher.

 

However I do think the two of you conversing it's a must I had a short lived 2nd chance that lasted a month because issues were nit addressed.

 

It doesn't seem to mr like you are not right for each other it just seems to me like you are rushing too fast into things even though it started with just dating.

[Ajax]

It sounds to me like you were needling him into feeling guilty and trying to get him to do things for you. To him it must have seemed you wanted him on his knees in the relationship, and that's not a good way to keep someone.

 

It also sounds like you weren't able to forgive him. You said it had been a couple years. For him the pain had probably passed, but it doesn't sound like it had for you. Of course when you get back together with someone you need to have a serious conversation about what went wrong and how to prevent it from happening again, but you also need to be able to let go of the past pain and forgive. If you don't, he'll always be doing pennance for you.

[Fluffsticle]

Hey,

 

Thanks Guys..

 

But what about the doubts that we are right for eachother? He has doubts in his head that we are right for eachother at all? He brought up small examples where he thinks he cannot be the person I want him to be.

Where he thinks I don't love him for who he is.

 

Do relationships ever go this bad, and get turned around at all?

 

I don't want to be with someone who isn't 100% dedicated to making it work.

 

He thinks it isn't ment to be this hard and has said that it's not ment to be because it's this hard. It's not ment to take this much work. It feels like we have nothing left only that memory of that great love years ago. When I think of it, I feel like running into his arms, and forgetting everything.

 

I would work this to the bone to have that feeling again.

 

I would do anything to make this work, including give him space for 6 months or so to help him sort himself out...

 

I would give us space to get over all the hurt and the pain.

 

I don't understand how 4 weeks ago he was telling me he will never give up, he will do anything to fix this. that he loves me and wants us to stand side by side and get through all the bad times and the good times. And then after a lot of arguing, his mind has changed. He doesn't want to work as he is afraid, and he thinks it would be easier to start afresh for both of us with a clean slate.

 

I can't say I disagree. But will he run into problems all his life in relationships then, and when they get tough... walk away!

[Billie The Puppet]

You seem to be more into it than he is.

 

Ironically that usually is where a guy, wants his girl to be.

 

I don't get it the love was once fiancé status, I wish people didn't get to that point and quit honestly I wish separation and divorce was non existent. I don't mean breakups gone cause all of us then would be in a relationship with our first relationship ever but I mean once it has reached a commitment stage it would never break that. My girl split after she brought me into jewelry stores looking fir an engagement ring for her. ( commitment at that point was mutual but right now I'm the only party still hovering there)

 

With your latest reply you simply have to ask him to work through these doubts. Ie get to the root of them and ask him to be brutally honest or you need to make a decision for him. Don't be strung along anytime a redflag occurs go NC for a little bit.

 

There are things you both need to work on you have to both give up the past, now I think it is pretty damn inconsiderate of him to chase for a second chance and place you where you are now. I had a view on seeing second chances as mire committed because you are willing to go through a relationship that has previously failed. Why would one bother too unless they were commiitted to making it work. Again it boils down to neither of you being who you were. They say you need to let go of the past and start fresh which is true but you both also have to be the people you where as that's where the initial attraction/ spark came from.

[Fluffsticle]

Well I am more into it and I don't know why.

 

From my heart I feel that I want to stand by him. I want him to be happy and find out what makes him happy about himself.

 

I feel that this Man is the best Man I've ever met and he deserves someone standing by him. I believe in him. I believe that he is better than he thinks he is at the moment.

 

I believe he has the same kind of heart as me, and although we have changed over the last few yaers, allowed our personalities to come back out and found hobbies... We are deep down still the same kind of suited people.

 

I want to tell him this and that I will be there for him, like he was there for me all through the years. And even breaking up with me was being there for me to allow me to become the person I am now.

 

We both have doubts that it may never work out. We both have fears that the past can't be forgotten.

 

But my heart craves this special love/bond that we had when we were together before. My heart craves that feeling of being with him and not wanting anything else in the whole world. That feeling like we could take on anything that life would throw at us.

 

We did a lot of things wrong while together before. But these things were part of what we didn't like about ourselves, I think. On my part anyway.

 

This is why I feel more into it than he is.

 

Also... I have been raised by loving giving and the kindest Parents anyone could ask for. They will always be there for People and usually at their own expence. And they are happy being that way.

I am the same.

 

My ex however was raised in a different way I think. And although I think he would love to be that kind of person, it does not come easy to him. Maybe I am wrong. It's the way I thought he was when we were together before.

 

So hence... he doesn't have as much fight in him as I do, because he only goes so far. But I on the other hand, go further than so far. Becaue to me he's worth it. And I have a very small glimmer of hope that we have the same kind of heart, we are the same kind of suited People, and we could some day have a more healthy happier relationship and live on the same page again.

 

The down side is, he is pushing me away. Says we are not ment to be. Says I deserve better than how he treated me. Says he doesn't think he can be the person I want him to be. Says he is not good enough for me. Says he doesn't see us working, and is terrified to take the chance incase he has to hurt me again. He says he isn't madly in love with me now. Although if he could click his fingers and have all of the above he would love it more than anything in the world.

 

My head says.... don't force anything. Don't pressure him by saying this to him. Walk away and take peace in the fact that he is not willing to take the chance.

 

I don't know what the right thing to do is....?

[Billie The Puppet]

Your last paragraph had the cliche break ip lines.

 

When one tells you they are not good enough for you it usually means they are no longer interested in fact it's more like the opposite as in you are not good enough for them.

 

He doesn't want to take this chance for fear he will hurt you again is the common reason why 2nd chances don't start or fail.

 

When people enter a new relationship they usually go into it nit expecting it to end. Fearing hurting someone again is expecting an end.

 

It's funny because when I read the first post in this thread I must have missed the part where you broke up. As my first reply seemed like you had a chance. Your latest replies just seem like you want what you can't have and my observation of him has turned to he is just not that into you.

 

You fall suit with common pattern the dumpee is willing to work things out do anything to get back with the dumper. The dumper has lost all intrest and see's this trait as clingy/needy.

 

He doesn't want to give it a go for fear of hurting you, yet coming back into your life, testing the waters, building your love back to a point and then rejecting you is hurting you is it not?

 

To me I'd take this hurt feeling 1000 times if it meant we would be together 1001 times. Obviously a sarcastic overstatement but sometimes things are worth the risk.

[Fluffsticle]

So you think if I ask him if these are cliche break up lines he sould tell me they are?

 

I just feel that this Man has nobody to stand by him now. He thinks he doesn't know who he is, he doesn't know who he ever was. He said he fears he cannot be the person I want him to be or deserve because he doesn't know who he is really. He always tries to please everyone and never feels good enough for anyone.

 

My heart tells me that people who love eachother stick with eachother through everything.

 

He stuck with me for 4 years through all my hard times, my insecurities, my fears. Then when he was not able to help me anymore, he saw that I would never be happy unless I was let go to do what would make me happy.

 

Now he has doubts about seeing it working out, because I have spent the past 6 weeks arguing with him, making him feel like a horrible person because he did things I don't agree with while we were broken up. I am hurt. I have asked him to sweep me off my feet, but at the same time I have argued and got a dig in at him wherever possible.

 

He now doesn't think he can be the person I expect him to be and sweep me off my feet, because he sees someone who makes him feel like he is a lesser person than he is.

 

He has no reaosn to sweep me off my feet, because I am coming down hard on him, and acting through anger I have not yet dealt with.

 

I will not do anything to make this work. I only want what's best for both of us. If this is not right for me, I will walk away. But his heart wants this more than anything. He said he would live his life withoyt his 2 arms if he could have us back madly in love like before.

 

I don't want to give up on him, just because he seems to be giving up on me. But maybe I need to give up?

 

He gave me everything years ago. He broke up with me because I was miserable, and he was worried he contributed to that. He said he lost the love of his life. He hated me for not working at it, and making him have to do that.

 

I have never stood by him and believed in him when even he doesn't believe.

 

This is why I wonder.... do People stick through this kind of thing for eachother? Or am I thinking normally?