Author mmk1 Posted October 7, 2010 Author Posted October 7, 2010 D was definitely a hard decision but I am much happier and have no shortage of female company. That said, I still haven't found the same feeling I had with exMW with anyone else and I want to see if we can be together, along the lines of what 2sure suggested.
Circular Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 I would wait until your D is finalized, then if there's anyway for her to know your status change without communicating directly then I'd go that path. I can tell by your words that you're deeply hooked on this woman. I don't want to give you any false hope because the past is a poor indicator of the future. There's two things that might go through her mind, 'stay away' because now that your single that makes you more dangerous to her home life and her M, or 'Connect' because she truly believes that there's something as rare as you think between the two of you and doesn't want to lose that. I wouldn't reach out to her directly, I'd give her time, as well I'd give yourself time to just be to yourself. As for the whole homewrecker thing, I don't buy it unless your intention is to throw her under the bus, otherwise she's a grown up and can make the decisions for herself about her life.
greengoddess Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 D was definitely a hard decision but I am much happier and have no shortage of female company. That said, I still haven't found the same feeling I had with exMW with anyone else and I want to see if we can be together, along the lines of what 2sure suggested. Did you ever have a dday with your exwife?
2sure Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 Yeah gee...to be of any good to her and to be at least of no harm to her...you would have to be on rock solid ground yourself. In every aspect of your life.
Author mmk1 Posted October 7, 2010 Author Posted October 7, 2010 No DDay. We were all friends (me, W, xMW and xMW's H), which I understand is not a point in my favor. While my W did not like xMW, neither she nor xMW's H knew. xMW's favorite place to meet was in her own house during the workday, which probably sounds crazy risky for us both.
Author mmk1 Posted October 7, 2010 Author Posted October 7, 2010 WABW, no, she said she wanted to stay with her H solely because of her 7 year old. She says she has no feelings for her H (according to her) and complains about him bitterly (again, according to her).
MorningCoffee Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 I feel for you, my friend. My ex-AP/MW also decided to stay where she is (she said for the financial support and in consideration of the child they have). I contacted her after six months of NC, and while it took a while to get past the nice words she had for me, I saw there were no actions to match, and I know she really is not leaving. It sucks, but I am moving on. I just went back and read a few of your posts from 08 and 09. You state there many times that she is not leaving her M, not be back, etc etc. Other than your own status, I would guess nothing else has changed, so telling her of your D isn't likely to lead to anything other than more hurt. I suggest that you let her be.
Dexter Morgan Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 I have filed for my D. My ex-MW and I split 3 months ago because I wanted us to both get a D to be together, she did not want to and broke things off. We are now NC except seeing each other professionally once a month. Our A was for 5 years, on and off. I've dated since filing but don't feel the same for anyone as for my ex. I know its early and she is still married, but i want to call her and see if we can start seeing each other. This seems like a bad idea but its how I feel. Thoughts? lets see...she didn't want you enough to get a divorce....she is a cheater(but then again so are you)...a liar.....ya sure...give her a call. She is a peach and prize to be had!
kuma Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 WABW, no, she said she wanted to stay with her H solely because of her 7 year old. She says she has no feelings for her H (according to her) and complains about him bitterly (again, according to her). mmk1, your xMW doesn't sound like a nice person. Are you sure you want to spend the rest of your life with her? Do you think she'll treat you nicely?
greengoddess Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 No DDay. We were all friends (me, W, xMW and xMW's H), which I understand is not a point in my favor. While my W did not like xMW, neither she nor xMW's H knew. xMW's favorite place to meet was in her own house during the workday, which probably sounds crazy risky for us both. Damn so your wife soon to be ex has no clue that you have been messing with your mutual friend for the last 5 years. Your wife did not like her? Um ya I wonder why? How seriously? How could you carry on for 5 years right under your spouses noses? I can't even imagine that level of deceit. That's really sad. Does your wife still talk to these people? That's just sick.
Author mmk1 Posted October 7, 2010 Author Posted October 7, 2010 GG, My W has not seen/spoke to xOW for years. Again, for that very reason. Yes, I knew that would not score me any points but those are the facts. Kuma/DM, those points have been made to before but there is no explaining attraction.
September Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 I do not know your whole story. Did she end the relationship because she was affraid she would divorce and you would not? many women fear that they will leave their marriage only to have their lover waffle and not leave his own. Personally, I think this can sometimes be this case. I know that I had some reservations prior to D-Day that he would not follow through. He did leave after his D-Day but then returned home... LOL, how come more MM don't post here??? Yes, I wonder why!!! Everyone has their own demons to battle. MM having A's have every right to come here and seek advice also but I can see why they don't. The berating they receive often is awful and very hard for them to deal with especially when already feeling so very low and conflicted. MMk1 - If you want to let her know, please do so, whichever method suits you best. We only have one life to live, give it a shot then you can always know in your heart that you tried. The "what if's" will drive you crazy otherwise. The ball is then in her court. If she rejects you, as heart breaking as it is, you can then move on. Either way, I wish you the best...
greengoddess Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 Personally, I think this can sometimes be this case. I know that I had some reservations prior to D-Day that he would not follow through. He did leave after his D-Day but then returned home... Yes, I wonder why!!! Everyone has their own demons to battle. MM having A's have every right to come here and seek advice also but I can see why they don't. The berating they receive often is awful and very hard for them to deal with especially when already feeling so very low and conflicted. MMk1 - If you want to let her know, please do so, whichever method suits you best. We only have one life to live, give it a shot then you can always know in your heart that you tried. The "what if's" will drive you crazy otherwise. The ball is then in her court. If she rejects you, as heart breaking as it is, you can then move on. Either way, I wish you the best... So basically your idea of support is to tell him to hell with her young child and husband and to hell with what she said about choosing her family you go for it? MMK1 If you were all friends at one time he will here about it through the grapevine. Don't tell, don't puposelyfully try to break apart her family. Don't tempt her. She will leave her husband when she has had enough. If she leaves for you she will resent you for it.
September Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 So basically your idea of support is to tell him to hell with her young child and husband and to hell with what she said about choosing her family you go for it? MMK1 If you were all friends at one time he will here about it through the grapevine. Don't tell, don't puposelyfully try to break apart her family. Don't tempt her. She will leave her husband when she has had enough. If she leaves for you she will resent you for it. She basically went "hell with my marriage" when she entered the A in the first place. He will do whatever he wants to do in the end. Yes, I do believe that he can tell her if he chooses and she can then make her own decision. She can now also choose whether she wants to be with MMk1 or her husband - her choice. She is a big girl, she can say "No, **ck off and leave me alone". If that's the case he will have to walk away and give up but at least he knows he tried. It is also his choice to tell her if he chooses, he knows her best. He also knows the consequences of everything to do with an A. Most long term A's start because there is something very wrong within a marriage in the first place and I know that from my own experience. This is why I didn't reconcile with my xH because I knew that deep down it would never have worked. IMO, if she doesn't end up with MMk1, she may somewhere down the road either D or husband or end up having another A. She obviously wasn't happy in the first place to end up having an A.
Author mmk1 Posted October 9, 2010 Author Posted October 9, 2010 (edited) As a finale, I called the xOW yesterday morning and, somewhat suprisingly, she called me back yesterday after work. I say somewhat suprisingly because our last few contacts were less than cordial. She was pretty much all business mode and said while my situation may have changed, her's has not. That she was happy (I have to take that at face value) and it was less stressful wihtout the A, which I told her I cannot argue with that. I told her that was fine, I did want to call and could we just be cordial when we see each other (which is about once a month for business). She said yes and I told her I appreciated that she returned my call. Lasted about 15 minutes with just a little rehashing. So, boys and girls, that is it. On the other hand, I dated about 4 single women this week and will continue with that. I know that's the path to go down but I had to get this out of my system. Thanks for all your help! Edited October 9, 2010 by mmk1 typo
September Posted October 9, 2010 Posted October 9, 2010 As a finale, I called the xOW yesterday morning and, somewhat suprisingly, she called me back yesterday after work. I say somewhat suprisingly because our last few contacts were less than cordial. She was pretty much all business mode and said while my situation may have changed, her's has not. That she was happy (I have to take that at face value) and it was less stressful wihtout the A, which I told her I cannot argue with that. I told her that was fine, I did want to call and could we just be cordial when we see each other (which is about once a month for business). She said yes and I told her I appreciated that she returned my call. Lasted about 15 minutes with just a little rehashing. So, boys and girls, that is it. On the other hand, I dated about 4 single women this week and will continue with that. I know that's the path to go down but I had to get this out of my system. Thanks for all your help! Good on you! You gave it your best shot, now you can walk away and know exactly where you stand! Have fun dating, I need to get out there and start doing the same...
Silly_Girl Posted October 9, 2010 Posted October 9, 2010 As a finale, I called the xOW yesterday morning and, somewhat suprisingly, she called me back yesterday after work. I say somewhat suprisingly because our last few contacts were less than cordial. She was pretty much all business mode and said while my situation may have changed, her's has not. That she was happy (I have to take that at face value) and it was less stressful wihtout the A, which I told her I cannot argue with that. I told her that was fine, I did want to call and could we just be cordial when we see each other (which is about once a month for business). She said yes and I told her I appreciated that she returned my call. Lasted about 15 minutes with just a little rehashing. So, boys and girls, that is it. On the other hand, I dated about 4 single women this week and will continue with that. I know that's the path to go down but I had to get this out of my system. Thanks for all your help! That's the facts of it. How are you feelin'?
Author mmk1 Posted October 11, 2010 Author Posted October 11, 2010 Fine but exhausted from having dates every night for the past week! It's the right result so everything is cool.
silverplanets Posted October 12, 2010 Posted October 12, 2010 As a finale, I called the xOW yesterday morning and, somewhat suprisingly, she called me back yesterday after work. I say somewhat suprisingly because our last few contacts were less than cordial. She was pretty much all business mode and said while my situation may have changed, her's has not. That she was happy (I have to take that at face value) and it was less stressful wihtout the A, which I told her I cannot argue with that. I told her that was fine, I did want to call and could we just be cordial when we see each other (which is about once a month for business). She said yes and I told her I appreciated that she returned my call. Lasted about 15 minutes with just a little rehashing. So, boys and girls, that is it. On the other hand, I dated about 4 single women this week and will continue with that. I know that's the path to go down but I had to get this out of my system. Thanks for all your help! I think she has demonstrated respect for herself, her husband and you in the way she has dealt with your call. It sounds like you've reflected that respect back and, long term, that can only be a good thing for all of you. I know it won't help but, on the bigger picture, things just get better and better month on month .. and if you've recently (3 months is recent) divorced then you might find (in 10 years time) that any time you spend alone now just coming to peace with it all is the best investment you ever made. You will meet someone again, one day, and the biggest gift you can give yourself is ensure that you've dealt with all your baggage at the deepest level(s). be safe Chris
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