mmk1 Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 I have filed for my D. My ex-MW and I split 3 months ago because I wanted us to both get a D to be together, she did not want to and broke things off. We are now NC except seeing each other professionally once a month. Our A was for 5 years, on and off. I've dated since filing but don't feel the same for anyone as for my ex. I know its early and she is still married, but i want to call her and see if we can start seeing each other. This seems like a bad idea but its how I feel. Thoughts?
greengoddess Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 She broke up with you because she chose her family. Leave her alone. Do not be a homewrecker.
Silly_Girl Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 She broke up with you because she chose her family. Leave her alone. Do not be a homewrecker. The woman is the homewrecker. She made her choices. Any contact from the OP would be a continuation of the R she willingly particpated in, and a consequence of her actions. Don't paint her as a victim and him as the villain. But, OP... I can totally see why you'd want to do this, but this chapter in your life is closed now. And... if it's not closed, it's not your place to open it. Do this for YOU. Shape your life how you want it for YOU. Enjoy it. Be happy with yourself. If MW feels there is mileage in a you and her, she knows how to find you. I think you'd be picking at old wounds and potentially risking further rejection. Try having some peace on your own for a while. It might do you a lot of good. I wish you lots of luck.
greengoddess Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 The woman is the homewrecker. She made her choices. Any contact from the OP would be a continuation of the R she willingly particpated in, and a consequence of her actions. Don't paint her as a victim and him as the villain. What? This woman when pressured chose to END the affair because she did not want to leave her family and break up her marriage. mmk1 knows that is what se has decided. No he should not contact her as she nade her choice to end the affair. Any further persuing of this relationship would be for the reason of changing her mind and getting her to leave her family. HOMEWRECKER. Yes her having an affair could have resulted in her ruining her marriage and her family but that is not the choice she made. She chose to end the affair and he knows that. He needs to now leave it be and abide by her choice. Although mmk1 you could actually persue her. Then you could cause a dday thus making her husband aware of the affair. You have nothing to lose now. You are single. Go for it!! Her husband deserves to know the truth.
Silly_Girl Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 What? This woman when pressured chose to END the affair because she did not want to leave her family and break up her marriage. mmk1 knows that is what se has decided. No he should not contact her as she nade her choice to end the affair. Any further persuing of this relationship would be for the reason of changing her mind and getting her to leave her family. HOMEWRECKER. Yes her having an affair could have resulted in her ruining her marriage and her family but that is not the choice she made. She chose to end the affair and he knows that. He needs to now leave it be and abide by her choice. Although mmk1 you could actually persue her. Then you could cause a dday thus making her husband aware of the affair. You have nothing to lose now. You are single. Go for it!! Her husband deserves to know the truth. See, I think it's tough on her. '5 years on and off'. Hhhmmmm. Perhaps her HOME should have mattered more back then. Why should he abide by her choice? Because she changed her mind? There's 2 of them in this, him and her. He didn't agree with her decision, if he WANTED to revisit things (and I don't think he should) that's her lookout. You said "Yes her having an affair could have resulted in her ruining her marriage and her family but that is not the choice she made" Yes, it is. She made the choice each and every time she chose someone over her H and family.
whichwayisup Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 Give up on her. She hasn't broken contact, she's chosen her husband and family. If you get back into the A (that is, IF she says yes) all it's going to be is an affair. She isn't going to leave her family for you. Start fresh. Let yourself heal and let go of her.
siuys Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 Once the papers are signed, you may want to let her know via some other channel (i.e. not you telling her) that you are now divorced. If she is interested she will contact you, but if she has made a firm decision about her M, then let it go. But I agree with whichwayisup, if it starts again it could very well continue on as an A, which is a lose lose for both I think. Think hard and maybe continue NC for another three months, be on your own, and see how you feel then.
greengoddess Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 See, I think it's tough on her. '5 years on and off'. Hhhmmmm. Perhaps her HOME should have mattered more back then. Why should he abide by her choice? Because she changed her mind? There's 2 of them in this, him and her. He didn't agree with her decision, if he WANTED to revisit things (and I don't think he should) that's her lookout. You said "Yes her having an affair could have resulted in her ruining her marriage and her family but that is not the choice she made" Yes, it is. She made the choice each and every time she chose someone over her H and family. OMG NO there is not two of them anymore. SHE BROKE UP WITH HIM. Did you miss that part??? Do you want him to be a stalker and not care about her feelings? SHE BROKE UP WITH HIM because she wanted to keep her family intact. So you basically think because she made the choice to have an affair with him that even though SHE ENDED IT he has the right to keep coming into her life and trying to start it again??
Silly_Girl Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 OMG NO there is not two of them anymore. SHE BROKE UP WITH HIM. Did you miss that part??? Do you want him to be a stalker and not care about her feelings? SHE BROKE UP WITH HIM because she wanted to keep her family intact. So you basically think because she made the choice to have an affair with him that even though SHE ENDED IT he has the right to keep coming into her life and trying to start it again?? He doesn't have the right... but she can't claim victim status if he does.
greengoddess Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 He doesn't have the right... but she can't claim victim status if he does. I'm am really confused. Who said she would claim victim status? What are you talking about? She broke it off and chose her family. I said leave it alone don't be a homewrecker. What is it you are trying to defend here? You told him to leave it be too.
Silly_Girl Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 I'm am really confused. Who said she would claim victim status? What are you talking about? She broke it off and chose her family. I said leave it alone don't be a homewrecker. What is it you are trying to defend here? You told him to leave it be too. I told him to leave it be. For the sake of his own healing. She chose her family, but by then it's too late. The damage was done. her FIVE YEAR AFFAIR could be outed on any given day for the rest of her life. If it is, she's only herself to blame. I hope it doesn't happen but if it does, that's just hard cheese. We disagree. No matter.
Author mmk1 Posted October 7, 2010 Author Posted October 7, 2010 (edited) Just for context, if it matters, she has been married for 10 years and with me for most of the last five as well. We've broken up several times over this and always gotten back together (so far). She says (insert grain of salt here) her H is like a roommate and she wishes he could be her friend and me her lover (which for all practical purposes was what happened). I do miss her, or, at least, the feeling I had with her. Maybe my changed circumstances would make a difference, maybe not. I just dont know. Edited October 7, 2010 by mmk1 typos
bentnotbroken Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 According to your post, she broke it off when you wanted her to leave her BS. She chose not to and has remained NC. That speaks volumes to her intent at this point. Leave her alone.
greengoddess Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 I told him to leave it be. For the sake of his own healing. She chose her family, but by then it's too late. The damage was done. her FIVE YEAR AFFAIR could be outed on any given day for the rest of her life. If it is, she's only herself to blame. I hope it doesn't happen but if it does, that's just hard cheese. We disagree. No matter. LOL so is that the recommended way to keep a married man on the hook? Remind him that his affair could be outed at anytime for the rest of his life? Geeez. Back on topic. MMK1 If you contact her you will be in for a very rough road. You will either be the OM which will not be fun especially being newly divorced or you will be dealing with all the drama of her divorce. Move on leave her be.
greengoddess Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 Just for context, if it matters, she has been married for 10 years and with me for most of the last five as well. We've broken up several times over this and always gotten back together (so far). She says (insert grain of salt here) her H is like a roommate and she wishes he could be her friend and me her lover (which for all practical purposes was what happened). I do miss her, or, at least, the feeling I had with her. Maybe my changed circumstances would make a difference, maybe not. I just dont know. Kids??? If she has no kids it should be an easy choice for her if she was being honest with you. She knew you were divorcing and wanted her to too so no I don't think your change of circumstances will change things. You re not married and have nothing to lose now. i think if anything your change of circumstances will scare her off even more.
2sure Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 Sounds like she had a very difficult decision to make. She chose to give up something she really wanted and enjoyed for something she thinks is better for her in the long run. She decided. That is not to say that she will always have the courage of her convictions, as is evident in that you state she has broken up with you before for the same reasons and then come back. So you have a decision to make. She may, because she cares for you , waver in her decision temporarily as she has in the past. But the end result will also be the same. Why set yourself up and more importantly perhaps...why attempt to influence a decision she has already made? Because you miss her. Thats just not a good enough reason. Say she quit smoking. She enjoyed it but knows in the long run it is not what she wants in her life. Why would you offer her a cigarette, knowing how much she wants it right now but that she will feel bad after for breaking her promise to herself?
Silly_Girl Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 LOL so is that the recommended way to keep a married man on the hook? Remind him that his affair could be outed at anytime for the rest of his life? Geeez. I said nothing of the sort, but nice try!!! It's consequences. Whether you shoplifted at 15, cheated on a school test, or had a fully-fledged affair of several years... if these things arise in the future (and they may) then it's the lookout of the person who made that choice. We don't erase our actions, or their consequences, when we change our minds.
Author mmk1 Posted October 7, 2010 Author Posted October 7, 2010 Yes, she has a 7 year old, which is why she said she would not leave. That obviously has not changed. I did say this is probably a bad idea and I should leave it alone, but feelings are what they are, despite common sense.
bentnotbroken Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 Yes, she has a 7 year old, which is why she said she would not leave. That obviously has not changed. I did say this is probably a bad idea and I should leave it alone, but feelings are what they are, despite common sense. Feelings are indeed what they are, but the mature thing do would be not to allow the feelings to control your actions. She made a choice, it appears she has stuck with that choice, case should be closed.
jthorne Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 Feelings are indeed what they are, but the mature thing do would be not to allow the feelings to control your actions. She made a choice, it appears she has stuck with that choice, case should be closed.I agree. I don't see with the length of the affair has to do with anything. All it says is that she continued to choose her family over the affair. OP should someone not married. It's really not that hard.
Author mmk1 Posted October 7, 2010 Author Posted October 7, 2010 No, it isn't hard to find single women but its not like it was with her.
Spark1111 Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 No, it isn't hard to find single women but its not like it was with her. And you know what? It will never be with a single woman like it was with her because you still carry a torch for her...think about her all the time...and now want to inform her you are divorced and available. But she has maintained NC. She has made her choice. Contact her if you want to, but be prepared to always be her Plan B option, they guy she runs to when her H isn't filling all her needs. You could be there another 5 years. Is that what you truly want?
Star_Bright Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 I think you would just be opening yourself up to hurt, pain and drama if you contacted her. You know she is still married and not interested in leaving, so basically you are saying you want to be a single OM involved in an affair with a married OW. I know you loved her but I don't know why you would want to do this to yourself. Find someone single you can spend your time with. You are better than an affair with a person who has told and shown you that they want to stay married to their roommate husband.
Author mmk1 Posted October 7, 2010 Author Posted October 7, 2010 Of course not, but my fantasy (and I use that word on purpose) is that she will see that we can be together and she can think about it.
2sure Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 After giving this more thought and trying to view it empathetically.. I wonder if you feel your Ex affair partner decided to choose the marriage instead of divorce like yourself...because she thought divorce would be too difficult or because she thought you would might now follow up and she would end up alone? If either of those were the case, I guess the best thing to do would be to send a note saying "Look - I did it. Its not so bad. I am alone, but I am ok. Life does go on after Divorce. You made me realize I could be happy. Wish you were here. " But NO pressure. Offer support if she asks about divorce. But nothing else. If she does not respond. Move Along at a Brisk Pace.
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