Does love really suck?

[OneWayForward]

Well, I was sitting here reading an exciting Organic Chemistry book and watching battle of the supercars on hulu then decided to opened my FB page and noticed in the section that says "someone you might know". It was my ex girlfriend. The one who smashed me. I clicked on her name and just looking at her picture in the profile was heartbreaking. It wasn't the best picture of her but seeing her smile and seeing her family again made me miss them all. It's been over a year. A year and 3 months almost to the day and I still miss them. I'm not really sure why that is. She will always be the first woman I ever loved. That in itself is a pretty sad situation. Considering I was married before I knew her and I am now 36 years old but, is that enough to explain this? I had just never felt a connection to anyone like I did with her. I never opened up or trusted anyone the way I did her. I had never had such faith in a relationship. It was really strange and I still can't explain it.

 

Maybe it was the way it ended. It left me feeling so utterly broken, I could barely function. It was on vacation, with all our family there. I planned to propose on that trip but she left the hotel, flew home and called me when she landed to tell me it was over. She gave no reasoning other than to say "She was crazy" and no words other than "don't call me and never speak to me again." I was in total shock. My female friends told me "All women want to be chased" and "She probably just wants to see that you are willing to fight for her" So, following their advice and against my better judgment for about a week after wards I sent her a text every other day to tell her I missed her. That turned out to be pointless and just made her hate me. So, I left it alone and a few weeks later I tried to ask her to tell me what happened. Her only response was "I'll never feel like explaining it to you, leave me alone" So at that point I left it alone and I haven't tried to talk to her since.

 

After wards, everyone told me to start dating again and that it would be the best way to get over her. It didn't work. I dated more woman after we broke up than I had in my entire life before. Some that were fun, some that were smart, some that were crazy. None that made me forget her, none that made me miss her less and none that I felt the same connection to. I have asked myself over this past year is it possible for "The One" for you to not feel the same way? I just don't get it. Currently I have just written the whole dating thing off and given up on the idea.

 

I know Hemingway once wrote that "The world breaks everyone, and afterward many are strong at the broken places."but I don't feel stronger. I feel weak. When I was with her I wanted to be better than I was and now I feel like less than I am. It's just sort of an empty feeling. Like something in what should have been the course of my life changed for the worse. Like my life was heading down the path I was supposed to be on then some freak unexplained event changed it all and now there is no way to get back on that path. Led Zeppelin has a song that says "There are two paths you can go by but in the end there's still time to change the road your on." and I try to remind myself of that as I continue my day to day life but it certainly feels like life is a time line. Once you branch off on a different line there is no way back and now I can't shake the feeling that I am and will forever just be making due.

 

I keep myself pretty busy, I volunteer at local hospitals and workout for a couple hours ever day. I am also finishing up my premed degree this semester. I did well on the MCAT so I guess I will have my choice of medical schools but I am honestly leaning towards joining the Army as a medic this December. I'm just sort of bored with school right now and figure the military might be just the thing to get my mind off all this crap. But after all this I ask myself is "Is love really worth it?" Is the hearing songs that remind me of her and remind me of the loss worth the time we spent together? Is feeling crushed by seeing places that we went together worth the time we shared in those places?

Doing a cost/benefit analysis of love might seem wacky but if I do, love seems worthless and certainly not worth the cost or risk.

[broken19]

Sorry to hear about that. Sounds very much like my relationship with mine having a bit more to it. Mine broke up in a similar way saying he is crazy, needs to fix himself, but instead of a break to fix himself justs wants to move on and have no contact whatsoever with me and how I survive is none of his business. This is coming from a guy who tattooed my name on his chest, who tattooed a heart on his ring finger to show committment, who proposed to me and wanted to grow old with me. It hurts so much as I love him so much. I can't stop thinking about him and it has been three weeks.

 

I just can't believe love so nice and pure and which felt right could just suck like this after a few months. We had problems yes, mind problems he calls them, but where love is this strong I thought we could work on it as everything else was so beautiful between us. I don't know what love is anymore. Some take it seriously, some I guess are too weak to and once they realise (if ever) what they lost by this decision it will be too late. But we can't hold on to this. All that you said above sounds so much like what my heart feels. The love and care for our partners. Right now it feels like no matter what negative things I think about him he has taken my heart with him. I only think of the good times. A huge portion of my life seems to be gone with him. It's like knowing you are going to die soon and begging for life but life is gone.... That's how much I miss him. It is so painful but I don't know what to do to get over this except do what others suggest...keep my mind occupied, if you are anything like me, dating would not help. Guess just try and do stuff you used to do, or like. Hang out with friends, although I know NOTHING helps. For me, I just cry. Soon you will get tired of crying. Go to places you used to go with her but create new memories with friends. And as for love sucking so much...it depends who the person whom you are in love with...depends what values they have, their idea of love etc. Love for some people is beautiful...unfortunately for us it was short lived. Time will heal...not sure how long it will take. I am 33 and I think I want all to be ok now but life is still young. My heart feels your pain but apart from saying what everyone else have been saying on LS, all I can do is pray. Go out, rediscover yourself, tell yourself that you are a nice person and someone who does not see that is losing out on a great guy. Know who YOU are. That might help.Take care.

[OneWayForward]

Sorry to hear you're riding in this crappy boat as well. It's not a very pleasant voyage. My mom used to say that "time heals all wounds" and I hope that is true in this case and I hope it takes less time for you than it has been for me. Over a year now and while things are better than when it first happened there is still a feeling of loss.

 

Those first couple of months were the toughest I had ever gone through. It was insane. I have always been a pretty fit and healthy guy. Active and athletic. I weighed around 190lbs before we broke up. 2 months later I weighed 145lbs. I lost more than 25% of my total body weight and it wasn't like I was fat. I had muscle. I just had no appetite for anything. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, didn't workout and cried like a baby most of the time when I was alone. It was horrible. I was still doing PreMed and going to school plus working full time but I was on autopilot. I didn't want to see my friends and I since my mom died I haven't really been close to my family. I just kept to myself and didn't talk to anyone.

 

I think being alone with my thoughts just made it that much worse. All I did was sit around and wonder why it had happened. What I did wrong. Hoping she'd come back. It was miserable. But, I did finally snap out of it. I started dating, met a complete basket case right off the bat and that freaked me out a bit but figured I'd give it another shot and went out with a few more people. I felt like a jerk because I compared them all to her. Worse still I didn't feel they lived up to her. Or at least what I had once felt for her. I may not have given them a fair chance but I just didn't feel that connection and didn't want to waste anyone's time. I think that sort of thing is either there or it's not.

 

One thing I have thought about is something a friend of mine once told me and that is that everyone "our age" who is still single, is damaged in some way. I didn't agree with it at the time but I think I have seen her point a little more after I started dating again. I had avoided damage up to that part of my life but now I think I might be. Damaged but hopefully not broken. I'd like to think I'd still be capable of connecting with the right woman and wouldn't push her away or find some reason to justify not to liking her if I met her. But the one thing about dating I can't shake is that

it doesn't seem like it's worth the risk.

 

I'd probably be more open to the idea had I done something wrong in the relationship that I could put my finger on and say "That's what I need to change" or if we had a bad relationship. But I never yelled her, never said a bad thing about her and always tried to be considerate. We had a fun together, talked about everything and got along great 99% of the time. She might have been a little bit of a borderline personality. Since she'd get way too mad about simple little things at the drop of a hat. i.e. at a wedding reception we were sitting at a table and she was talking to one of her girlfriends who was standing. I was taught that it is rude to not give up your seat to a woman so I stood up and offered her my seat. Told her I was going to step outside for some fresh air I ended up getting in to a conversation with some of her other friends while I was out there and when I came back in about 15 minutes later. She was super pissed! Asking me where I was, where I had been, why I left the table. It was crazy. I explained to her that I just didn't think it was right to leave a woman that she was having a conversation with standing while I sat there. It just seemed like a rude and ungentlemanly thing to do. She tried to storm away but ended up just braking the heel of her shoe. I was like damn that was crazy! But I didn't think it was a crazy I couldn't handle and we still had fun on the rest of that trip.

 

I think that's why after she left I just wanted her to tell me why. Not knowing what happened makes me worry it could happen again and it kind of sucks to know I went all in on a relationship with a person I meant nothing to and knowing that even a year later I am still hurt by it makes me feeling like a total moron.

[broken19]

Wow..she sounds a bit like my ex. But of course I always see the good in people and that has got me into trouble before but I still didn't learn. It's not like seeing good in people is a horrible thing to have in one! It's been three weeks and yes, am still crying. Cried so much tonight. You are right. Not knowing what went wrong hurts so bad and makes it harder. Everything we talked about, every memory is so fresh as we only dated for 9 months. I am not sure if my ex has borderline personality disoder but he does have some kind of mental issue. I even thought he is being strong and wants to get better and then come back to me but he told me he does not want a break he just wants me to move on and I will find someone better than him. How does that work? Where are all the promises, marriage talks, growing old together etc? If he is not strong enough then it's ok. I am a medical professional and I would have helped him. We even went to therapy together. But he does not want my help.

 

Anyway, I am deeply sorry to hear about your mum. Really am. I hope you have other family to help you. And friends. And yes, I knowall about weight gain and unhealthy weight loss. I am going through it now. Plus I have a heart condition and not once did he text or ask me if I was ok. Any stress in my life can lead to heart problems...he even once went with me on the ambulance to the hospital to ER and was there as my heart stopped for a few seconds. And he says he loves me and always will. I would like to understand him and because I always did even this makes sense to me but he is not doing it the right way. Maybe right for him but not me. Whenever he feels guilty about anything esp to do with hurting me he hits himself constantly. That's why he wanted out as he cannot control himself and I end up getting hurt. Once even my neighbours called the cops as they thought he was beating me up but he was actually hitting himself and screaming and foaming at the mouth. But i forgave him cos I know he never did that on purpose. He needs to fix himself and it is going to take a while. Meanwhile I am left with questions and a life so hard to live but I will find ways to be strong. The year must have been so hard for you and even now. As a medical professional it helps me to know that I have helped so many patients and people and that I am a good person. My mum used to say I could give the shirt off my back to someone:) In fact I have given more! So that gives me confidence that I am a good person and better off without someone who is so weak. I have so much love to offer to someone and I'd rather it be someone who deserves it. And yes it still is hard to use this and move on but it helps at times. And as for dating I know exactly what you mean. I just found him so perfect for me right down to the way he chews his food that any other guy does not even come close to him! I still have hope but see how I feel in a few months. This girl must have gone right through to your core just like my ex did. I hope the pain becomes bearable in the near future and yes, mums are pretty wise...time might just heal. In the meanwhile keep busy, maybe go on a holiday somewhere where people live worse off than us but are happy cos they have strength and courage. It helps to see the world around us and makes you realise our problems are not hard to control. Admire nature and think what if a natural disaster takes it all away. That's what makes us strong. maybe not go somewhere romantic like paris as that might hurt but go somewhere like phuket or india. I might do just that once I sort some stuff out. For me holidays have helped me become confident and determined. It does not fix the problem but it might clear your mind and make you stronger to help you deal with your problems. Good luck with whatever you do and remember you are a person and it is hard but not impossible. Take care

[broken19]

P.s Oh and i know the Led Zeppelin song...we both love rock and none of my other friends like rock..he was my best friend..that's wat makes it so unbearable.

[OneWayForward]

I gotta say your ex sounds crazy as hell. But then again mine did once attempt to jump out of my car as I was driving down the highway because I forgot to properly introduce her to a friend of mine. I guess crazy people need love to.

But beating yourself up and foaming at the mouth sounds bonkers. I think in time you'll see you are better off without him. I mean think about a future with a person like that. If you had kids would you want them seeing their father act like that? If it's something that he can't control it may be a dangerous or at least damaging situation for kids who wouldn't be able to understand it.

 

One day we may both look back and realize these people did us a favor by splitting. Writing about it does seem to help me some. I don't really talk about it with anyone so I guess it's putting it in to perspective and actually thinking about all the wacky things this girl did that helps. As I write this I try to think of good things she did for me or bad things I did to her. There aren't any. I just liked the way I felt having someone I thought really loved me and if I did something that pissed her off it was out of not knowing it would. Like giving my seat to her friend and not introducing her properly to my friend. But in my defense on that one we went in to my friends restaurant while he was in back. He is a chief and came up to the front to say hello. I just said hello and didn't say "Hi, This is (___), my girlfriend" I didn't realize it until we left. I apologized to her for it and that's when she got pissed. haha I guess I learned to not say anything about something like that if they don't mention it.

 

As far as travel, I still have this semester of school to finish before I have my Molecular Biology degree and I have been going to school 24/7 since this happened so I haven't had time. It'd be nice to go someplace in December when I am finished. Italy would be fun. But I think that would be a place best shared. I've been thinking about going diving though so maybe Mexico. Getting away is certainly a good idea.

[broken19]

Yes, it indeed helps a little to write thoughts and feelings here. Thanks for the reply! Mexico sounds good. Hope it helps a bit. I am not having great days at the moment but I know this feeling will pass. Guess I will have to be patient. If he feels he is happy without me and does not beat himself up then I guess because I love him I should let him go and if he gets well and comes back a better person I will know what to do then. And if he doesn't then oh well. There is nothing I can do. He put too much pressure on himself to make me happy. I don't know why. His therapst thinks it is because of his childhood. I just think he has not grown up preoperly in his mind and still has the mind of a child who was always spoon fed, who used aggression to get his way and who always has been spoilt by his dad and other family memebers. He sounds a lot like one with a Narcissistic personality but I am not one to diagnose him. I wanted to help him with the help of his therapist, family and friends but he does not want to have anything to do with me as everytime he sees me he hits himself for he gets these feelings and ideas in his head that he cannot make me happy but so many times I have told him he does! I used to get mentally exhausted tending to all these. He used to feel like that about his dad as well..hit himself by saying he is a bad son. So yes, he has a lot of problems but he does not even believe in therapy. I don't know what's going to happen to him and I want to stop caring but it is hard. Anyway, that was my bit! I know it is so hard for you but sounds like you are doing all you can to help yourself. Good on you! Keep it up. I am glad our summer is coming now so at least the weather might lift my spirits. You take care and hang in there. Good luck:)