hard time socializing

[thatsonlyme]

ok, here is a little background. As a kid I moved often due to various reasons and I have very few friends from my childhood with whom I comunicate only over a facebook now because I live we live in different countries now. I've always had hard time maintaining friendships with people once I moved or we started hanging out less for whatever reason. It's just hard for me to call a person if I have nothing to say. I know it's stupid but that's just how I am.

 

Also, finding new friends was never an easy task for me, maybe because I'm a little different. I don't watch tv, tv shows or sports and most of my interests are not something you can use for small talk. It seems like I have nothing to talk about to people until I get to know them well. Once we become friends I can talk for hours! I'm not an awkward person, everybody thinks I'm nice and people like me, but I'm just not the kind of person people invite to hang out with.

 

In the last five years I was in a relationship with a girl who was totalky opposite of me in that regard. She could make friends with anyone and everywhere. It definitely benefited me as well but since she was always organizing all meet ups and parties, after our break up I feel lost. I try to avoid some mutual friends for now because most of them are her co-workers and I don't want any gossips spreading around.

 

After our breakup, few friends helped me out immensely, I met some new people through them and everything was great in the beginning. Now I feel like I have nothing to offer as I always hang out with them and I'm not inviting them to do anything, it's always them inviting me.

 

I don't know what do do, I'm still suffering from the recent break up and I can't move forward because I don't have a circle of friends like she does. For her it was very easy to move on but I feel stuck in here. To make thing worse I work nights and saturdays and sundays are my only days off. Saturdays have been fun so far but sundays I'm all alone, walking around the city while the weather is still nice and trying to fix my social awkwardness by talking to anybody I get a chance to talk to. It's not helping me make friends but at least I get to talk to somebody!

 

I feel like I need to fix this but I don't know how. I'm not very shy or anything and I don't feel intimidated by people I just don't function well with groups of people. One on one I can usually talk to person and if we hang out long enough that person usually starts liking me. That's how I picked up most of my girlfriends. We just had enough time alone and even though most of the time I was not even their type, they'd find me adorable!

 

I'd like to add that I'm also foreign born but for personal reasons I'm trying to avoid hanging out with people from my country. I don't feel like language barrier is my problem, I was always like this. Sometimes it even helps when people notice my accent and ask me where I'm from and it kinda opens up a conversation. Being foreigner may affect me on a dating scene because I can never be as good in delivering effective pick-up lines as native american, but in a regular conversation I'm actually pretty good and sometimes people from other states even ask me if I'm native chicagoan, probably because they think my accent is more like a different intonation for them and they can't really place it. I definitely don't speak like our favorite governator even though I've been here for only five years. English has been my primary language for last five years because my ex and I didn't speak the same language so basically I think and even dream in english.

 

Now, considering all this, what's the best course of action for me? I need to move on and I'm ready to do so, I just can't do it alone! Being alone makes me think about her, think about us and I have feeling that I still want her back only for that reason, because I'm lonely. I really don't want to get back together with her, she's changed and I don't like the person she's become but without any other options she still seems like a good deal to me.

 

I just feel like I should add that I have this friend who's gf broke up with him the very same day and now his ex and my ex are roommates. He's in a lot better position because he had his life here before he met his ex, while my ex was one of the first people I met here and we were together ever since. He met some girls and even hooked up with one of them but he never helped me hook up with anybody even though I asked him to. His new girl friends have friends too, but he always just avoids the subject. Wtf is wrong with people now days? I helped him so much by letting him use my business for his benefit for free because I knew he's not in a situation to pay now. It's not like I have a lot of money either, I work another job just to pay my bills now and bills for my business because i just can't focus on anything right now.

 

Rant over, any suggestions?

[AmySue]

I know where you are coming from. 1 month out from breakup of 14 year relationship and I have managed to basically push everyone out of my life. I have no real friends outside of work. I do have friends on Facebook and talk to my relatives that way but how the hell do I make friends?

 

I do have depression issues but I am dealing with that through meds and counceling but how do I open myself to meet people and trust again?

 

Its gotta get better than this. I do have 2 kids but one lives in NY with their father and the other lives here with me but she is 16 and doesn't need to be around me all the time.

[thatsonlyme]

Wow, 14 years... I'm really sorry, I can only imagine how it feels

 

It's very sad that so many people in this world feel lonely at this very moment, I wish we could just all get together and help each other out.

 

I really do not understand what makes people long for a change. Yes, there is always someone more interesting and exciting but that initial excitement will not last forever! Why can't people just be happy with what they already have and stick with it?

 

I would lie if I said that I was never attracted to anyone else during our relationship, but I would have never made a move!

[shayan]

In my language Shojah means bravery. This is the most important qaulity for meeting new people. This semester I have made a couple new friends. One in a club, one on a bus, one in a class, one in a gym, and a few others. Do you know how many of those people approached me? ZERO! I got my butt up and went right over to them and said "Hi my name is Shayan!" and there you go.

 

Don't try to please anyone.

 

You don't have to entertain the people you are talking to or say the right things. Just be yourself even if you think it's boring and say the things that come naturally. Even if that means you just talk about the weather or how wierd the guy's hat is across the street, or when is the bus coming, or you say your tired, or why you like cats. I'm telling you once you take the pressure of off yourself and muster some courage conversation will become good. Talking about anything in fact can be interesting often the body language and the feel is more important then what's being said. And when you are comfortable and being yourself you send out good vibes. And guys the second golden rule in life is "who cares what anyone thinks," do yourself a favor and free yourself from the good opinion of others.

 

Be positive see yourself making new friends, visualize it

 

By visualizing and knowing you will find new friends you will attract them into your life. I promise, in fact they will find you. It's strange. Let me give you a good example. One of the friends I made this semester was a girl I have had a crush on from a distance for a year or so. I didn't even know her name. But, I saw her somehow coming into my life, I visualized it and felt it. And boom the next semester we end up in a greek literature class together. So there you go! Your thoughts are more powerful than you think.

 

Well What are you waiting for go out there and make soome new friends

[thatsonlyme]

thanks shayan

 

It sounds easy when you say it but for me it doesn't seem to work. It seems that I can meet a new person but I just can't take it to another level.

 

for instance, the other night I went to this bar where I used to hang out, hoping that my ex is not gonna be there (she showed up so I left). So I was sitting in front chatting with barmen when this guy came out to smoke and we started talking, he introduced himself and everything, but after a while he got back inside to his friends and I had to leave because of my ex. Great, I met a new friend who I'm never gonna see again.

The same thing is at parties, people talk to each other a lot, you meet new people, but I can't just walk around and ask everybody for a phone number!

 

So maybe my question would be more like how to stay in touch with a person you just met?

[Perhaps]

ok, here is a little background. As a kid I moved often due to various reasons and I have very few friends from my childhood with whom I comunicate only over a facebook now because I live we live in different countries now. I've always had hard time maintaining friendships with people once I moved or we started hanging out less for whatever reason. It's just hard for me to call a person if I have nothing to say. I know it's stupid but that's just how I am.

 

Also, finding new friends was never an easy task for me, maybe because I'm a little different. I don't watch tv, tv shows or sports and most of my interests are not something you can use for small talk. It seems like I have nothing to talk about to people until I get to know them well. Once we become friends I can talk for hours! I'm not an awkward person, everybody thinks I'm nice and people like me, but I'm just not the kind of person people invite to hang out with.

 

In the last five years I was in a relationship with a girl who was totalky opposite of me in that regard. She could make friends with anyone and everywhere. It definitely benefited me as well but since she was always organizing all meet ups and parties, after our break up I feel lost. I try to avoid some mutual friends for now because most of them are her co-workers and I don't want any gossips spreading around.

 

After our breakup, few friends helped me out immensely, I met some new people through them and everything was great in the beginning. Now I feel like I have nothing to offer as I always hang out with them and I'm not inviting them to do anything, it's always them inviting me.

 

I don't know what do do, I'm still suffering from the recent break up and I can't move forward because I don't have a circle of friends like she does. For her it was very easy to move on but I feel stuck in here. To make thing worse I work nights and saturdays and sundays are my only days off. Saturdays have been fun so far but sundays I'm all alone, walking around the city while the weather is still nice and trying to fix my social awkwardness by talking to anybody I get a chance to talk to. It's not helping me make friends but at least I get to talk to somebody!

 

I feel like I need to fix this but I don't know how. I'm not very shy or anything and I don't feel intimidated by people I just don't function well with groups of people. One on one I can usually talk to person and if we hang out long enough that person usually starts liking me. That's how I picked up most of my girlfriends. We just had enough time alone and even though most of the time I was not even their type, they'd find me adorable!

 

I'd like to add that I'm also foreign born but for personal reasons I'm trying to avoid hanging out with people from my country. I don't feel like language barrier is my problem, I was always like this. Sometimes it even helps when people notice my accent and ask me where I'm from and it kinda opens up a conversation. Being foreigner may affect me on a dating scene because I can never be as good in delivering effective pick-up lines as native american, but in a regular conversation I'm actually pretty good and sometimes people from other states even ask me if I'm native chicagoan, probably because they think my accent is more like a different intonation for them and they can't really place it. I definitely don't speak like our favorite governator even though I've been here for only five years. English has been my primary language for last five years because my ex and I didn't speak the same language so basically I think and even dream in english.

 

Now, considering all this, what's the best course of action for me? I need to move on and I'm ready to do so, I just can't do it alone! Being alone makes me think about her, think about us and I have feeling that I still want her back only for that reason, because I'm lonely. I really don't want to get back together with her, she's changed and I don't like the person she's become but without any other options she still seems like a good deal to me.

 

I just feel like I should add that I have this friend who's gf broke up with him the very same day and now his ex and my ex are roommates. He's in a lot better position because he had his life here before he met his ex, while my ex was one of the first people I met here and we were together ever since. He met some girls and even hooked up with one of them but he never helped me hook up with anybody even though I asked him to. His new girl friends have friends too, but he always just avoids the subject. Wtf is wrong with people now days? I helped him so much by letting him use my business for his benefit for free because I knew he's not in a situation to pay now. It's not like I have a lot of money either, I work another job just to pay my bills now and bills for my business because i just can't focus on anything right now.

 

Rant over, any suggestions?

Free Sundays? I suggest you volunteer somewhere... especially where you have to deal with people. It'll FORCE you to interact with others... it'll come one day at a time but that's how progress is made. I would suggest you host a party as well (though you mention you work two jobs, so it may be sort of impractical at this point).. but hosting a small party/ get-together will give you a chance to get to know people better. Plus as a host, you'll have that responsibility of entertaining guests. I'm kind of shy too but what works for me is Forcing myself to do something involving people, otherwise, I always chicken out. Plus, English isn't my first language so sometimes, I develop an accent when I'm nervous So.. go out and volunteer.. it'll help you deal with the breakup and allow you to meet new people.

Edited October 15, 2010 by Perhaps

[shayan]

I agree I volunteered in a hospital for medical school for close to a year and the experience was awesome. I made a lot of new friends and met a lot of patients who had such amazing stories.

 

Honestly Thatsonlyme

 

I think your problem is you have too high expectations, don't go into the conversation trying to become friends with someone instead just be yourself and talk. You wont make friends with alot of people you talk to anyways. The best way after a conversation has gone well is to ask for an email. That's what I usually do and the people are often nice enough to just offer you their numbers anyways. But an email is perfect by itself no pressure right

 

good luck Private message me if you need personal advice I'd be glad to help you.

[thatsonlyme]

Thank everybody,

 

I do not enter conversations with high expectations but I hardly ever get to the point where I make friends. Maybe I just meet wrong people but that's the way I've always been.

 

I think volunteering is a good idea, but I've never done it before. Where and how do I find it? I was even thinking about finding a part time job somewhere just to meet people. It was always the easiest way for me.

 

@shayan, thanks, what kind of personal advice can you offer? I definitely need advice but I don't know what's the question I should ask LOL

[shayan]

yeah I sent you a private message with some tips.