Where are all the conflicted MM?

[kuma]

By this reasoning an MM/MW would go to counseling before they would post an Internet forum. Because a counselor from what I understand doesn't tell you what to do or how to act. People on LS sure do tell other people what to do and how to act!

 

Star. I was thinking about MM (men) in general. I re-read it and I thought my post was offensive. I couldn't edit it, so I alerted it by myself. Sorry.

[donnamaybe]

I disagree with you. Not everyone has health insurance and/or can afford counseling.

I would think that an MM who is able to live a double life and pay the bills of his OW as so many claim are happening can certainly afford counseling and/or health insurance.

[JamesM]

I would think that an MM who is able to live a double life and pay the bills of his OW as so many claim are happening can certainly afford counseling and/or health insurance.

 

....or perhaps that is why he CAN'T afford health insurance.

 

What makes you think that living a double life is really costly? It all depends on the person. Just as some people "need" more money for everyday living, so some "need" more for affairs. Yet others can easily get by on half. And of course, it depends on the AP.

 

Besides that is not apples to apples. Most people who have insurance have it through their workplace. And if you don't then to get it costs alot. And then most do not cover such "trivial" things as counseling.

[donnamaybe]

You sure are supportive of A's and making excuses for cheating lately. Why is that, pray tell?

[JamesM]

You sure are supportive of A's and making excuses for cheating lately. Why is that, pray tell?

 

That post was not supportive of affairs or cheating. It simply pointed out the obvious.

 

But to answer your question....someone needs to represent the "other side" when so many posters have certain stereotypes. And so I will try. I am not "excusing" cheating when I give reasons WHY it happens. I certainly do not "support" affairs and really, I do not condone them. But yet someone needs to show why they happen. The simple answer usually given is that the cheater is fully to blame for the affair. While the WS did make the choice to cheat, he or she did so (in many cases) because of the situation he or she was in.

 

Does that justify the affair or excuse it? Absolutely not.

 

But that is why I say....MM are not inclined to post here for help, because what is perceived as help by some posters is actually an excuse to vent anger at cheaters.

 

There are too many other internet communities that can provide help without judging. There is no need to post at one that is less tolerant.

[hopeless4u]

My xMM read LS but he said it was pointless him posting because he knew what people would say about what he was doing. He felt enought guilt as it was and couldn't really take much more I guess.

 

Shame though because I think it would help OW on here.

 

We all spend our time second guessing what is going on in their heads and if more MM posted we could see that maybe they are not all bad people but messed up individuals who have something broken inside.

[Star_Bright]

Star. I was thinking about MM (men) in general. I re-read it and I thought my post was offensive. I couldn't edit it, so I alerted it by myself. Sorry.

 

No problem - I wasn't offended, just didn't think it made much sense.

[donnamaybe]

While the WS did make the choice to cheat, he or she did so (in many cases) because of the situation he or she was in.

Yeah. Because of that pesky damned marriage.

[Star_Bright]

I would think that an MM who is able to live a double life and pay the bills of his OW as so many claim are happening can certainly afford counseling and/or health insurance.

 

OK I see -- yeah this thread IS about MMs ha ha -- I was just thinking of myself. Ha ha.

[Star_Bright]

My xMM read LS but he said it was pointless him posting because he knew what people would say about what he was doing. He felt enought guilt as it was and couldn't really take much more I guess.

 

Shame though because I think it would help OW on here.

 

We all spend our time second guessing what is going on in their heads and if more MM posted we could see that maybe they are not all bad people but messed up individuals who have something broken inside.

 

Good point... I think most MMs KNOW that what they are doing is wrong... some feel guilty, some don't, but you have to be a psychopath not to think that cheating on your wife is wrong. So why would they come say, "Hello, I'm doing something I know is wrong?" They KNOW that people would tell them to make a choice -- wife or OW. A big part of them knows they need to or will need to soon, unless they have an OW who really does want to stay an OW and is happy with the situation, or a less-than-happy OW who is just extremely tolerant and patient. But really they know they should make a choice, stop cheating, or whatever, but they continue to do it anyway. Not much anyone can do to help them if they don't WANT to make a choice. And the choice is theirs to make so how could we help them??

[donnamaybe]

But really they know they should make a choice, stop cheating, or whatever, but they continue to do it anyway. Not much anyone can do to help them if they don't WANT to make a choice. And the choice is theirs to make so how could we help them??

You can't. And that is the whole point of this thread. They KNOW they should make a choice. They simply choose not to because they're getting their bread buttered on both sides.

 

Conflicted? I think not.

[hopeless4u]

Good point... I think most MMs KNOW that what they are doing is wrong... some feel guilty, some don't, but you have to be a psychopath not to think that cheating on your wife is wrong. So why would they come say, "Hello, I'm doing something I know is wrong?" They KNOW that people would tell them to make a choice -- wife or OW. A big part of them knows they need to or will need to soon, unless they have an OW who really does want to stay an OW and is happy with the situation, or a less-than-happy OW who is just extremely tolerant and patient. But really they know they should make a choice, stop cheating, or whatever, but they continue to do it anyway. Not much anyone can do to help them if they don't WANT to make a choice. And the choice is theirs to make so how could we help them??[/QUOTE]

 

The bolded is exactly how I see it now(took long enough:o).

[2sure]

The conflicted MM are put off by the animosity of responses to their posts?

 

Come on, in general everyone is nicer even to them than they are to many of the OW on here and they can take it.

 

If OW can take what they want and leave the rest, I dont see any reason a WS could not do the same. As a matter of fact...there are many MW here who are or have been the WS and they take it too.

 

So ...I just dont buy that its too hostile an environment.

 

All evidence points to : There just arent that many MM who are "conflicted".

 

Joey66 earlier in the thread raised his hand as one and I remember others who were here probably until they resolved their issues. I looked back at their threads and posts and honestly didnt see any where they indicated offense.

[donnamaybe]

 

All evidence points to : There just arent that many MM who are "conflicted".

 

Agreed. They know EXACTLY what they're doing.

[xxoo]

Distressed isn't exactly the same thing as conflicted. A MM might experience a great deal of distress from the consequences of his choice (a cheated family at home, a cheated OW), but consider the benefits of continuing the affair to clearly outweigh the pain. In that case, he may exhibit a lot of distress (worrying over the consequences, depression, etc), while remaining very committed to his choice (keeping both).

[jennie-jennie]

You can't. And that is the whole point of this thread. They KNOW they should make a choice. They simply choose not to because they're getting their bread buttered on both sides.

Conflicted? I think not.

 

There was a time when being an alcoholic was considered a character defect. Through the non-judgmental program of AA so many have now been helped. Donna, don't you understand that an attitude like yours is helping noone?

[xxoo]

A man suddenly seeking counseling would have to explain that to his wife, don't you think? Could you not possibly see the possibility that for some men counseling just does not seem to be an option, at least where they are in their relationships at the moment?

 

Ok, this made me chuckle. We are talking about men who manage to find the money and time to maintain a secret affair. But spending time and money on a counselor is not an option? They can't figure out how to do it under the radar?

[BlackLovely]

I think the mm have it rough. They get blasted by the ow for not deciding and staying with 2 women and take all their emotions from their situation out on him and the bs also blast him for having an affair. It's a no win situation for them.

 

I don't agree with this statement. The MM's can't have it all that rough, if they are choosing to be with two women. Also, how is all that extra sex and variety "having it rough"?

[joey66]

My xMM read LS but he said it was pointless him posting because he knew what people would say about what he was doing. He felt enought guilt as it was and couldn't really take much more I guess.

 

Shame though because I think it would help OW on here.

 

We all spend our time second guessing what is going on in their heads and if more MM posted we could see that maybe they are not all bad people but messed up individuals who have something broken inside.

 

MMs are no more broken than OWs. (I still love you, though, h4u.)

 

The idea that all MM are fat and happy because they have two women to sleep with is ... incorrect. Without doubt there are some MMs who are in As just to get sex. There are also some who need the emotional connection. I would argue that there are some OWs who are in As just for NSA sex, too.

 

I have trouble with the view that it's the MM who are the bad/broken/evil people who are taking advantage of the poor defenseless OWs. It goes both ways.

[jennie-jennie]

I would say that both MM and OW are in some ways broken. They find each other, recognize the brokenness, and try to fix each other. Sometimes the two broken people find that in coming together they can heal what is broken in themselves and each other, sometimes their mutual brokenness only leads to more brokenness.

 

Falling in love means an opportunity to radically change your life. Unfortunately some people get stuck in limbo halfway between the old life and the new one.

[jennie-jennie]

MMs are no more broken than OWs. (I still love you, though, h4u.)

 

The idea that all MM are fat and happy because they have two women to sleep with is ... incorrect. Without doubt there are some MMs who are in As just to get sex. There are also some who need the emotional connection. I would argue that there are some OWs who are in As just for NSA sex, too.

 

I have trouble with the view that it's the MM who are the bad/broken/evil people who are taking advantage of the poor defenseless OWs. It goes both ways.

 

I don't like that "broken" stuff either. We are all individuals trying our best to find our way through life.

[xxoo]

When you take your OW out to dinner or to the theatre, they do not send the bill to your home.

 

Meeting with your OW doesn't mean you have to take a minimum of two hours off of work between the hours of 9-5 monday-friday at least once a week.

 

Your OW does not bill your insurance for which you get a copy of co-pay notices and deductable notifications.

 

It is completely possible to seek counseling without having a bill go to your home, or to your insurance. Pay cash. Find a provider who will accept less payment for cash (no insurance).

 

It is also possible to have counseling outside of the 9-5, M-F window.

 

It is also possible to have counseling less than once a week.

[greengoddess]

oooooooooops

[greengoddess]

I don't agree with this statement. The MM's can't have it all that rough, if they are choosing to be with two women. Also, how is all that extra sex and variety "having it rough"?

 

I was talking about in the sense of posting on a board such as this. They get blasted by all sides.

 

I agree. They don't have it very rough. They have the happy little double life they want to lead.

[greengoddess]

There was a time when being an alcoholic was considered a character defect. Through the non-judgmental program of AA so many have now been helped. Donna, don't you understand that an attitude like yours is helping noone?

 

 

are you trying to say being a two timing cheater is not a character flaw?