pandagirl Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 Tonight I had dinner with my friend. She broke up with her ex of five years back in March. Since then, she's been dating up a storm (she's quite the catch!). I asked her if she had spoken to her ex at all, and she said she hadn't at all. She said: "God, if I knew he was dating a girl, I would be devastated... even though I'm dating like five guys." I think a lot of people on this forum all of the sudden think their ex is evil or doing something wrong if they start dating someone else, as if your history has suddenly been thrown away and you don't exist. It's not true though. If there was real love between two people, it doesn't just go away. Yes, we move on, but we always remember and carry it with us.
rattled Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 I'll put in my 0.02 because I'm probably one of the many LSers that you're referring to. Is this history erased? Probably not. Was I thrown away? Sure feels like it. Why? Because in my eyes it was a great relationship. And because I thought it was great, I hoped (past tense) that my ex would be seeing it similarly. But because she's dating someone else it's clear to me that our history together wasn't as glamorous as I thought it'd be or else she wouldn't of "thrown" us away. In regards to your friend, I'm grateful to hear that an ex could still feel devastated and love for their past SO but so what? It's not like he knows. And it's not like either party tends to those emotions anyways. For me, I'll keep my assumptions that my ex doesn't care for our relationship because at least I know that reconciliation can't and won't happen. The feeling of thinking that she still loves me is what keeps me in limbo and prevents me from moving on.
Author pandagirl Posted October 7, 2010 Author Posted October 7, 2010 I'll put in my 0.02 because I'm probably one of the many LSers that you're referring to. Is this history erased? Probably not. Was I thrown away? Sure feels like it. Why? Because in my eyes it was a great relationship. And because I thought it was great, I hoped (past tense) that my ex would be seeing it similarly. But because she's dating someone else it's clear to me that our history together wasn't as glamorous as I thought it'd be or else she wouldn't of "thrown" us away. In regards to your friend, I'm grateful to hear that an ex could still feel devastated and love for their past SO but so what? It's not like he knows. And it's not like either party tends to those emotions anyways. For me, I'll keep my assumptions that my ex doesn't care for our relationship because at least I know that reconciliation can't and won't happen. The feeling of thinking that she still loves me is what keeps me in limbo and prevents me from moving on. In my friend's case she was technically the "dumper," but was sort of forced to do so. Her boyfriend didn't want to move the relationship forward to a more committed level after five years, so she called it a day, and thus felt more like the "dumpee."
Ajax Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 It's not true though. If there was real love between two people, it doesn't just go away. Yes, we move on, but we always remember and carry it with us. I like this. But even if my ex isn't actually erasing our history, I feel like she is. And I think thats what she's trying to do, even if she's not successful. The past couple days this has especially been what I'm feeling. But despite the current situation, I do believe that true love existed between us and that someday (might be a long time) she'll remember it. Even if we never get back together, and now I'm nearly certain we won't, I want the relationship to have mattered to her because it mattered to me. Right now I do hope she carries it forward, even if I no longer benefit from it. I do worry that she'll push someone else away who she loves like she did to me. So if she remembers what happened to us, i hope she uses it as a life lesson in the future so she doesn't do the same thing again.
Author pandagirl Posted October 7, 2010 Author Posted October 7, 2010 I like this. But even if my ex isn't actually erasing our history, I feel like she is. And I think thats what she's trying to do, even if she's not successful. The past couple days this has especially been what I'm feeling. But despite the current situation, I do believe that true love existed between us and that someday (might be a long time) she'll remember it. Even if we never get back together, and now I'm nearly certain we won't, I want the relationship to have mattered to her because it mattered to me. Right now I do hope she carries it forward, even if I no longer benefit from it. I do worry that she'll push someone else away who she loves like she did to me. So if she remembers what happened to us, i hope she uses it as a life lesson in the future so she doesn't do the same thing again. As a woman, with many, many female friends, there's not one of them who doesn't remember their past loves with both fondness and regret. I can't tell you how many times we've discussed old loves and past relationships (we're all in our early 30s). Believe me, we never forget. I can pretty much guarantee that your relationship mattered to her, and that she will always remember it.
rattled Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 I can pretty much guarantee that your relationship mattered to her, and that she will always remember it. If only us dumpees could actually hear those words come out of our ex's one day.
Author pandagirl Posted October 7, 2010 Author Posted October 7, 2010 If only us dumpees could actually hear those words come out of our ex's one day. Unless you treated her like dirt, ex's will always care about those they loved.
Cee Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 Unless you treated her like dirt, ex's will always care about those they loved. I didn't read caring in your friend's comment that she'd be "devastated" if her ex met someone else. I have almost always been the dumper and my fervent hope has been that my exes meet someone else. Someone who can love them better than I could. And they have. Good for them.
Author pandagirl Posted October 7, 2010 Author Posted October 7, 2010 (edited) I didn't read caring in your friend's comment that she'd be "devastated" if her ex met someone else. I have almost always been the dumper and my fervent hope has been that my exes meet someone else. Someone who can love them better than I could. And they have. Good for them. No, she isn't over him and still loves him. Also, sure you can dump someone and genuine want the best for them. But that doesn't mean you didn't ever care about them. Edited October 7, 2010 by pandagirl
rattled Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 (edited) The thing I realized about this is that it's a catch 22. If they care, it hurts, because then you start thinking "why aren't we together then?", "why didn't we work out?", or "why aren't we working things out?" (yes, I know that caring does not mean they want the relationship back, but its the mentality of a dumpee). If they don't care then they're a**holes or b*tches. Either way it truly doesn't matter in the end because you still feel the same negative emotions. Edited October 7, 2010 by rattled
health Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 Tonight I had dinner with my friend. She broke up with her ex of five years back in March. Since then, she's been dating up a storm (she's quite the catch!). I asked her if she had spoken to her ex at all, and she said she hadn't at all. She said: "God, if I knew he was dating a girl, I would be devastated... even though I'm dating like five guys." I think a lot of people on this forum all of the sudden think their ex is evil or doing something wrong if they start dating someone else, as if your history has suddenly been thrown away and you don't exist. It's not true though. If there was real love between two people, it doesn't just go away. Yes, we move on, but we always remember and carry it with us. It sounds like your friend tried to get over by dating like crazy. Like she didn't do the internal work to really heal and be comfortable alone. She should have pretty much healed by now - everyone takes their time. I guess what she is doing is good - as in it's important to date alot of people to learn about people before getting married etc. This whole thing of - she's quite the catch etc. It doesn't sound like she's genuinely happy. Maybee she is I don't know. I find being committed to one foucses your energy and it's much more fulfilling rather than leaking love energy with 5 different people.
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