Feeling the pain...bad....

[hopeless4u]

So my IC has been very intense this last month or so. She has told me that I am emotionally closed off....

 

I told her I cry, lots in fact, but it seems I don't focus on my pain and this is the reason I feel 'ok' for a while and then WHAM it hits me again.

 

She showed me how to focus and all I can say is OMG have I cried, like I've never cried before and the pain is crippling!!

 

All of this came out when talking about me and my 'strong' personality. I didn't cry for a couple of weeks while in my sessions and said to her how much better I felt, I could tell by her face she had something to say (she is a very good IC).

 

She said it was 'ok' to cry at my sessions and sometimes I would get a little tearful but compose myself and hold back, this is where 'my' problem is. I do this all of the time, put that brave face on and have been doing for YEARS! Yes YEARS!!

 

I never saw this before but it is so true.

I grew up the youngest but most sensible of 2 girls with just our mum who worked very hard. We had a great childhood but I was always there for my mum(never a chore by the way) and this molded me into the person I am.

 

Then after my xH cheated I was strong for my son, I did the right thing for 'everyone' and that 'brave face' got me through, I cried when I was alone, partied when my son was away and drank in private but was always bright and happy when it counted.

 

I built such a high, thick wall around my heart because I couldn't go through the pain I went through when I left my xH, I now know I didn't grieve that properly either.

 

xMM spent 2yrs telling me that I wouldn't allow myself to be loved and he was right, he also spent 2yrs chipping away at that wall making me believe I could feel what I'd felt when I was with my xH(he was and still is my best friend) and he succeeded, only to throw me under a bus, not once but a couple of times just so he was sure I'd get the message....shame on me for believing him eh.

 

So I guess the moral of the story is don't get sucked in but if you do remember when you cry you need to really focus on the feelings of the hurt, ....my feelings so far....the shame of being sucked in and the loneliness I inflicted on myself. The deeper I look the more I find so I suppose I'm still learning.

 

There's so much more I'd like to say but I'm crying way to much to type right now, just needed to get it out and maybe it can help someone else who is finding it hard at the moment....

[desertIslandCactus]

Sucked in ... Being thrown under the bus. .. When someone rejects you, it is Their burden not yours.

[hopeless4u]

Sucked in ... Being thrown under the bus. .. When someone rejects you, it is Their burden not yours.

 

I'd like to be able to believe that but this place I'm in right now is my own doing, yes he played his part but I allowed it to happen.

I'm not a stupid person and as my IC said I'm not the kind of woman to be dragged into something I don't want.

 

What he did is his problem to sort out now and what I did is mine....

[desertIslandCactus]

I'd like to be able to believe that but this place I'm in right now is my own doing, yes he played his part but I allowed it to happen.

I'm not a stupid person and as my IC said I'm not the kind of woman to be dragged into something I don't want.

 

What he did is his problem to sort out now and what I did is mine....

 

How long are you supposed to sort it out. We make mistakes, we repent (regret and turn away from) .. and go forward.

 

I think the time loss and taking away from priorities .. is enough punishment without analyzing it too much..

[hopeless4u]

How long are you supposed to sort it out. We make mistakes, we repent (regret and turn away from) .. and go forward.

 

I think the time loss and taking away from priorities .. is enough punishment without analyzing it too much..

 

Yeah I get that but unfortunately I fell in love with the man I spent 2yrs with so its not quite as easy as just 'moving on'.

 

I didn't recognise the man who came to see me a few weeks ago, he was broken, weak and quite pathetic tbh and his W is more than welcome to 'that' man but I am still grieving the man I loved....sad but true.....

[whichwayisup]

but I am still grieving the man I loved....sad but true.....

 

The man you loved doesn't exist. It was in an affair setting and he showed you someone who isn't really "real" in the sense of who he truly is.

 

Keep grieving, keep doing therapy. Time is on your side H. There's no rush to get over him. You invested 2 years of your life with him, it's just going to take time to deal with the pain and work through it all. I promise you, one day in the near future, you WILL feel alot better, be able to cope and function better without feeling so sad and down.

[Tsm]

((Hugs)), i know exactly what u talking about, putting a front and taking care of everyone, while you have issues that you not able to sort out, and i must say that only prolongs the recovery process.

Sorry you feeling this way,but it will get better in time.

Edited October 6, 2010 by Tsm

[Fieldsofgold]

I appreciate what you shared, H4U. (((((((hugs)))))))

[hopeless4u]

The man you loved doesn't exist. It was in an affair setting and he showed you someone who isn't really "real" in the sense of who he truly is.

 

Keep grieving, keep doing therapy. Time is on your side H. There's no rush to get over him. You invested 2 years of your life with him, it's just going to take time to deal with the pain and work through it all. I promise you, one day in the near future, you WILL feel alot better, be able to cope and function better without feeling so sad and down.

 

I get that he doesnt exist now but he was 'that' man for 'me' for 2yrs and thats what I'm getting over.

Like I said before the man I saw in August was not the man I fell in love with, he was the man his W fell in love with, a weak, pathetic, broken man.

 

My IC has and will help me find 'me' again and like you said hopefully soon:o

[hopeless4u]

((Hugs)), i know exactly what u talking about, putting a front and taking care of everyone, while you have issues that you not able to sort out, and i must say that only prolongs the recovery process.

Sorry you feeling this way,but it will get better in time.

 

Thanks for the hugs Tsm, its the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with, so up and down with emotions, sometimes its overwelming!!

 

I've had so many other things going on in my life that xMM would of usually of been my rock with so my IC has really helped.

 

I know eventually I'll be able to look back and say WTF was I thinking but sometimes I guess I just need to shout stuff from the rooftops...well LS is as close as I'll get:o

[hopeless4u]

I appreciate what you shared, H4U. (((((((hugs)))))))

 

Thanks for the hugs:) I'm glad it helped. A certain poster who has always kicked me up the ass when needed:) told me I'd maybe help someone one day, I hope she was right. (((((((hugs))))))) right back at ya:)

[Circular]

I feel for you H. Know the pain and the experience, I went through it for as long as you did and it was very real, the emotions were very real and the woman she was when we went through it was who she really was at that moment in time.

 

It sounds like your doing some great work and that you're digging deep into the feelings and unwinding it all. I've been going through a similar journey, I've probably written a novel the length of War & Peace (Apropos title ) to work through it.

 

I've definitely found some peace, though it has taken me awhile to get there. I never thought I'd have such a struggle to walk away, even knowing I was doing the right thing when I did. All the justifications in the world don't seem to be able to wash it all away.

 

Sometimes, reading all these threads, I think we all struggle and suffer, no matter what side of the equation we're on. I know I've done a lot of things, that if I was her I might interpret as being cold and uncaring, but sometimes self preservation causes us to have to do things nobody likes.

[Confused4Now]

My IC has and will help me find 'me' again and like you said hopefully soon:o

AMEN to this....this is the most important thing you should be focusing on.

[hopeless4u]

I feel for you H. Know the pain and the experience, I went through it for as long as you did and it was very real, the emotions were very real and the woman she was when we went through it was who she really was at that moment in time.

 

It sounds like your doing some great work and that you're digging deep into the feelings and unwinding it all. I've been going through a similar journey, I've probably written a novel the length of War & Peace (Apropos title ) to work through it.

 

I've definitely found some peace, though it has taken me awhile to get there. I never thought I'd have such a struggle to walk away, even knowing I was doing the right thing when I did. All the justifications in the world don't seem to be able to wash it all away.

 

Sometimes, reading all these threads, I think we all struggle and suffer, no matter what side of the equation we're on. I know I've done a lot of things, that if I was her I might interpret as being cold and uncaring, but sometimes self preservation causes us to have to do things nobody likes.

Yeah sometime C I think it makes it harder when I think how cold he has been at times but then I remember him saying once that he thought it would be easier for me to forget him if I hated him so then I just think he's being like that to help me....I don't know, its just a big mess in my head.

 

Never have I been through anything like this in my life. I used to think that I could handle anything as long as I knew he was happy but the not knowing just kills me...and when he came to talk to me I could see in his eyes that what he was saying wasn't what he felt, still don't understand why he had to see me.

[hopeless4u]

AMEN to this....this is the most important thing you should be focusing on.

 

And I am C4N I promise:)

Coming on here brings things to the surface and tbh this is what I avoid. I find it hard to admit how hurt I'm still feeling. Call it homework, my IC will be very pleased I think:o

[Tsm]

I've had so many other things going on in my life that xMM would of usually of been my rock with.

 

this happens to me as well, that i feel if he was here he would make things better, but oh wel life carries on and you have to find another way, n its actually not that bad if you put your mind to it and just focus on you.

[hopeless4u]

I've had so many other things going on in my life that xMM would of usually of been my rock with.

 

this happens to me as well, that i feel if he was here he would make things better, but oh wel life carries on and you have to find another way, n its actually not that bad if you put your mind to it and just focus on you.

 

:oThanks...Well work is mad so lets hope I can just bury myself in that and keep my IC going.

I know I'm heading in the right direction, just a case of one foot in front of the other, right?

[ladydesigner]

So my IC has been very intense this last month or so. She has told me that I am emotionally closed off....

 

I told her I cry, lots in fact, but it seems I don't focus on my pain and this is the reason I feel 'ok' for a while and then WHAM it hits me again.

 

She showed me how to focus and all I can say is OMG have I cried, like I've never cried before and the pain is crippling!!

 

All of this came out when talking about me and my 'strong' personality. I didn't cry for a couple of weeks while in my sessions and said to her how much better I felt, I could tell by her face she had something to say (she is a very good IC).

 

She said it was 'ok' to cry at my sessions and sometimes I would get a little tearful but compose myself and hold back, this is where 'my' problem is. I do this all of the time, put that brave face on and have been doing for YEARS! Yes YEARS!!

 

I never saw this before but it is so true.

I grew up the youngest but most sensible of 2 girls with just our mum who worked very hard. We had a great childhood but I was always there for my mum(never a chore by the way) and this molded me into the person I am.

 

Then after my xH cheated I was strong for my son, I did the right thing for 'everyone' and that 'brave face' got me through, I cried when I was alone, partied when my son was away and drank in private but was always bright and happy when it counted.

 

I built such a high, thick wall around my heart because I couldn't go through the pain I went through when I left my xH, I now know I didn't grieve that properly either.

 

xMM spent 2yrs telling me that I wouldn't allow myself to be loved and he was right, he also spent 2yrs chipping away at that wall making me believe I could feel what I'd felt when I was with my xH(he was and still is my best friend) and he succeeded, only to throw me under a bus, not once but a couple of times just so he was sure I'd get the message....shame on me for believing him eh.

 

So I guess the moral of the story is don't get sucked in but if you do remember when you cry you need to really focus on the feelings of the hurt, ....my feelings so far....the shame of being sucked in and the loneliness I inflicted on myself. The deeper I look the more I find so I suppose I'm still learning.

 

There's so much more I'd like to say but I'm crying way to much to type right now, just needed to get it out and maybe it can help someone else who is finding it hard at the moment....

 

 

Hey hun just wanted to say hi and hope you are feeling better today. Sometimes those tears are good, they help release all that pent up pain that we hold deep inside. I know I am guilty of that too. Even 2 years out I still get pangs of pain. As much as I hate to admit I think these relationships because they usually end when the 2 people involved still have feelings for each other, it is just that much harder to get over.

 

You sound like you are doing well though. Progress every day. Keep up the great work with your IC!

[fooled once]

HELLLOOOO!!!!!! Happy to see you and actually VERY happy that you are crying. Because crying is helping you and crying is good for you and crying shows you are a loving, compassionate woman!!

 

Eventually, IN YOUR OWN TIME, you will get to a place where the hurting isn't so raw, so deep and so all-consuming!

 

How long are you supposed to sort it out. We make mistakes, we repent (regret and turn away from) .. and go forward.

 

I think the time loss and taking away from priorities .. is enough punishment without analyzing it too much..

 

It takes as long as it takes - and for each person it is different. Didn't you cry when your H ran off with his ow? Didn't it take you quite a while to get over it? Or did you cry for a week and then were done?

 

We all grieve in our own way and in our own time. There is no reason for Hopeless to rush or pretend she isn't hurting. For her to continue to do will stunt her in the grieving process. With the help of a good counselor, she is now really beginning her new journey and in time, in her OWN time, she will start to not feel the hurt so deep and so raw.

 

HOPELESS ---hang in there my friend. I am really glad you have a counselor you like and trust and I am so glad she is really working with you vs just sitting there like many counselors do !

 

How else are things going in your life? Big hugs to you!!!

[hopeless4u]

Hey hun just wanted to say hi and hope you are feeling better today. Sometimes those tears are good, they help release all that pent up pain that we hold deep inside. I know I am guilty of that too. Even 2 years out I still get pangs of pain. As much as I hate to admit I think these relationships because they usually end when the 2 people involved still have feelings for each other, it is just that much harder to get over.

 

You sound like you are doing well though. Progress every day. Keep up the great work with your IC!

 

Hey LD, yeah i'm doing ok. Still got a long way to go but I'm getting there;)

The IC has been my savior TBH, not sure I would be where I am today without her:o

 

I still have bad days and he is still on my mind most of the time but I can see things more clearly now and that helps.

[hopeless4u]

HELLLOOOO!!!!!! Happy to see you and actually VERY happy that you are crying. Because crying is helping you and crying is good for you and crying shows you are a loving, compassionate woman!!

 

Eventually, IN YOUR OWN TIME, you will get to a place where the hurting isn't so raw, so deep and so all-consuming!

 

 

 

It takes as long as it takes - and for each person it is different.

 

We all grieve in our own way and in our own time. There is no reason for Hopeless to rush or pretend she isn't hurting. For her to continue to do will stunt her in the grieving process. With the help of a good counselor, she is now really beginning her new journey and in time, in her OWN time, she will start to not feel the hurt so deep and so raw.

 

HOPELESS ---hang in there my friend. I am really glad you have a counselor you like and trust and I am so glad she is really working with you vs just sitting there like many counselors do !

 

How else are things going in your life? Big hugs to you!!!

 

Hey FO, sorry it took so long to reply!

I'm ok, everything you said above is so true:)

 

I had a bad week a couple of weeks ago but I had taken my son 200miles away to university....he's now left home...ouch:(

It was a very emotional week for me and I couldn't help remembering the talks xMM and I had when his daughter left for uni 2yrs ago and how he said it would be my turn next and how he would be there for me.....

 

I'm back in the real world again now and throwing myself into work, keeping as busy as I can and really concentrating on my counselling.

 

She is really good and seems to 'get' me and my feelings. She deals with people who have had/are in EMR so nothing shocks her and she is blunt when she needs to be.......ohh reminds me of you!!

 

I feel so much stronger now, still have so far to go and as ashamed as it makes me feel I'm still not at the point where I could tell him 'F' off if he wanted to talk but my IC knows this and has it in hand;)

 

Overall i'm pretty positive, bad days and consumed thoughts still happen but I'm on the right path!!

 

Thanks for the ((hugs)) xx

[MorningCoffee]

I'm ok, everything you said above is so true:)

 

I had a bad week a couple of weeks ago but I had taken my son 200miles away to university....he's now left home...ouch:(

It was a very emotional week for me and I couldn't help remembering the talks xMM and I had when his daughter left for uni 2yrs ago and how he said it would be my turn next and how he would be there for me.....

. . .

Overall i'm pretty positive, bad days and consumed thoughts still happen but I'm on the right path!!

 

Glad to hear of your progress, H4U.

 

Your taking your son to university, and the memory of your ex-AP saying he'd be there for you then, when that event was still off in the future, and the feelings that all brought up for you . . . reminded me of my ex-AP/MW saying she wished she could be with me at my child's wedding (but of course our affair was secret, so that was fanciful).

 

Then, several months after her D-Day and breaking off seeing me, when we had one of our very infrequent phone contacts, she told me she felt she should be sharing with me the arrival of my first grandchild (but we were over and not supposed to be in contact so that was fanciful). Sometimes when I visit my grandchild I remember that statement, though.

 

My point is these triggers recur from time to time. And as fanciful as they were, when they do flit through my mind, they sometimes bring up feelings of loss of "what might have been" all over again, maybe some tears.

 

No doubt, I am coming to accept that there will be triggers from time to time. I am just hopeful that one day when a trigger appears, all it will trigger will be a warm feeling, a pleasant recall of the love I once had in my life from someone whom I loved very much, and for whom I wish the best. And the feelings of loss will have diminished over time as I build my new life.

 

I wish the same for you. Like somebody wrote, it takes as long as it takes.

[fooled once]

Hey FO, sorry it took so long to reply!

I'm ok, everything you said above is so true:)

 

I had a bad week a couple of weeks ago but I had taken my son 200miles away to university....he's now left home...ouch:(

It was a very emotional week for me and I couldn't help remembering the talks xMM and I had when his daughter left for uni 2yrs ago and how he said it would be my turn next and how he would be there for me.....

 

I'm back in the real world again now and throwing myself into work, keeping as busy as I can and really concentrating on my counselling.

 

She is really good and seems to 'get' me and my feelings. She deals with people who have had/are in EMR so nothing shocks her and she is blunt when she needs to be.......ohh reminds me of you!!

 

I feel so much stronger now, still have so far to go and as ashamed as it makes me feel I'm still not at the point where I could tell him 'F' off if he wanted to talk but my IC knows this and has it in hand;)

 

Overall i'm pretty positive, bad days and consumed thoughts still happen but I'm on the right path!!

 

Thanks for the ((hugs)) xx

 

I so appreciate what you wrote.

 

I worry that if he came sniffing around right now, you aren't strong enough YET to tell him to F off and I really, REALLY want you to get there. I am so happy you have such a great counselor!!!

 

Don't let the bad days get you down. I am telling you this from my personal experience with "bad" days (although mine are related to my health). I have had some of the lowest of low days of late and have to remind myself why I am here on this earth because the pain is all consuming at times and I am just so incredibly tired of it. And then, I get a call or a text from my son and I remember why I am here, for now. Or my wonderful, caring, loving H will plant me on the couch and tell me I am to do nothing but allow him to wait on me and care for me.

 

Hang in there my friend. I am rooting so hard for you!!!

[hopeless4u]

Glad to hear of your progress, H4U.

 

Your taking your son to university, and the memory of your ex-AP saying he'd be there for you then, when that event was still off in the future, and the feelings that all brought up for you . . . reminded me of my ex-AP/MW saying she wished she could be with me at my child's wedding (but of course our affair was secret, so that was fanciful).

 

Then, several months after her D-Day and breaking off seeing me, when we had one of our very infrequent phone contacts, she told me she felt she should be sharing with me the arrival of my first grandchild (but we were over and not supposed to be in contact so that was fanciful). Sometimes when I visit my grandchild I remember that statement, though.

 

My point is these triggers recur from time to time. And as fanciful as they were, when they do flit through my mind, they sometimes bring up feelings of loss of "what might have been" all over again, maybe some tears.

 

No doubt, I am coming to accept that there will be triggers from time to time. I am just hopeful that one day when a trigger appears, all it will trigger will be a warm feeling, a pleasant recall of the love I once had in my life from someone whom I loved very much, and for whom I wish the best. And the feelings of loss will have diminished over time as I build my new life.

 

I wish the same for you. Like somebody wrote, it takes as long as it takes.

 

Thanks MC, its strange sometimes. Some triggers come and I'm ok and others just hit me right in the heart!

My IC has asked for me to write down the highs & lows and what brings them on but sometimes by the time my head is back in the real world I've forgotten what put me there in the first place!!

The good thing is that now I think about my state of mind and the pain and try to focus....

[hopeless4u]

I so appreciate what you wrote.

 

I worry that if he came sniffing around right now, you aren't strong enough YET to tell him to F off and I really, REALLY want you to get there. I am so happy you have such a great counselor!!!

 

Don't let the bad days get you down. I am telling you this from my personal experience with "bad" days (although mine are related to my health). I have had some of the lowest of low days of late and have to remind myself why I am here on this earth because the pain is all consuming at times and I am just so incredibly tired of it. And then, I get a call or a text from my son and I remember why I am here, for now. Or my wonderful, caring, loving H will plant me on the couch and tell me I am to do nothing but allow him to wait on me and care for me.

 

Hang in there my friend. I am rooting so hard for you!!!

 

Hey FO, I wrote a reply and my laptop crashed so I PM'd you but just wanted to post that your posts to me have helped me so much and I just wanted to say please don't ever under estimate the value of your advise...

 

I hope you are feeling better and that wonderful H of yours is making you feel as special as you are:)

xxx