Desperate Need of Answers

[Fight4Me]

I do feel so bad for her, I know that sounds lame after everything, but I do. I wish she could see him for who he really is.

 

For what it's worth, as a fBW, your remorse IS apparent to me and what you wrote is not at all lame.

 

Because NOW she is taking the high road to tell the wife the truth of this clown....HE IS STILL CONTACTING HAZY, hinting to re-initiate, and she feels sorry for the wife who just had a baby and who gave this guy a chance to be a real man.

 

Hazy is trying to do the right thing by the wife!

 

This guy needs a posse of LS WOMAN, both BS and OW,to beat him with brickbats!

 

That's what I think!

 

I'm so with you on this! I'll gladly volunteer to issue the torches and pitchforks and organize the mass carpools. LOL!

 

I actually understand her threatening me, although I'm not saying it was right. Having received the text from her and knowing she wants to get answers from me makes me think that she was just lashing out.

 

I think she was just lashing out, too. For a BS, this is truly a traumatic event. After my fWH told me, I was unbelievably calm, and I had a rather delayed reaction. But whatever anger I had for the fOW, it was nothing in comparison to the seething rage toward my fWH.

 

However, when I got a really really nasty email from "her," I responded to all her other known addresses (to make darn sure she received it) to expect a reign of terror from me like she had never seen or imagined before. Pure. Blind. Rage. BUT, to make a long story short, she responded right away that she had not sent such a message. I calmed down long enough to hear her out, and we both ended up working together to figure out who was responsible (someone on her end, but that's a lengthy story all on its own). She was remorseful and I was gracious. I never asked questions since I had already seen all their texts, but she ended up volunteering information on her own that only corroborated what I already knew. I think, like you, she needed to get some things off her chest. It was healing for both of us and we made peace.

 

He dropped his threats and so I've emailed her my side of the story. I'm well aware that this could all backfire in my face but now... I'm so worn out by it all that I don't care. They could well still ruin me... I guess I'll have to take that. I've always fancied a life on the other side of the world :-/

You did the right thing by her, and for you, so please discard the lies playing out in your mind that they can or will destroy you. Block them both from your email accounts, cell phone, etc. because the MM is the one messing with you, and quite heartlessly through his BW. What's done is done, and pretty soon they will be dealing strictly with each other.

 

I don't believe for one second he has the balls to do anything, especially since he stands a greater chance of losing them, along with another vital organ that is so precious to him.

 

Be at peace, Hazy. Be at peace.

[PhoenixRise]

[quote=Fight4Me;3043411

 

You did the right thing by her, and for you, so please discard the lies playing out in your mind that they can or will destroy you. Block them both from your email accounts, cell phone, etc. because the MM is the one messing with you, and quite heartlessly through his BW. What's done is done, and pretty soon they will be dealing strictly with each other.

 

I don't believe for one second he has the balls to do anything, especially since he stands a greater chance of losing them, along with another vital organ that is so precious to him.

 

 

I agree with this.

 

Hazy I am sorry that you are dealing with this blowback. You did what you felt was the right thing and you have done all you can do. Block them both completely.

 

I still think you should see/speak to your solicitor about the threats because this MM is manipulative and and bully. Make sure you cover your a$$ and protect your job.

[Fight4Me]

She had mentioned citing me in the divorce... does anyone know how that usually pans out?

 

I think the MOST that that means is IF you're in an at fault state, adultery could give her the upper hand in how things are divided out. Citing you would be a way to provide proof of the affair, and you could be subpoenaed for providing testimony to that fact.

 

I seriously doubt she knows what she's going to do regarding divorce, separation, or reconciliation. She doesn't know which end is up right now, so anything she says is rooted in pain.

 

Please, please don't let this consume you.

[Spark1111]

Hazy, don't ever regret telling the truth!

 

Especially when people in volatile situations try to shoot the messenger!

 

His lying, cheating, gas-lighting ways has caused terrible issues for not one, but two women. Do NOT let him blame anyone but HIMSELF.

 

When the dust settles, it will NOT matter who was believed and who was not.

 

It will only matter who told the truth and who did not.

 

And that takes courage and integrity, no easy tasks.

 

At the end of all our days, we lie down with ourselves and our maker? higher power? and look back and assess our lives.

 

Some will have taken the easy route. Some will have taken the high road.

 

If you have TRIED to take the high road; to have made the world a better place from having been here; to have attempted to ease the suffering of one person; to have taken ownership of all your actions, including mistakes, and tried to make ammends to those you have wronged....

 

You will have NO REGRETS.

 

For me? That's a life well-lived, authentic and true. That's a win-win for YOU, hazy. Hell, that a win-win for all.

[Hazyhead]

It's just as well you told her - anyway he drove you to it with his disrespect.

 

We are a no fault state. So perhaps you can google more info - until posters who know more than me, are able to give input.

 

He was, and is, extremely disrespectful - to his wife as well. I would have thought she'd be sick of trying to filter through for the truth when the one person she should be able to believe is her husband.

 

I live in the UK so being named on the divorce might mean I have to pay her costs, but this seems to be in cases where the husband is the more innocent party... which is far from the case here!

 

 

For what it's worth, as a fBW, your remorse IS apparent to me and what you wrote is not at all lame.

 

I think she was just lashing out, too. For a BS, this is truly a traumatic event. After my fWH told me, I was unbelievably calm, and I had a rather delayed reaction. But whatever anger I had for the fOW, it was nothing in comparison to the seething rage toward my fWH.

 

However, when I got a really really nasty email from "her," I responded to all her other known addresses (to make darn sure she received it) to expect a reign of terror from me like she had never seen or imagined before. Pure. Blind. Rage. BUT, to make a long story short, she responded right away that she had not sent such a message. I calmed down long enough to hear her out, and we both ended up working together to figure out who was responsible (someone on her end, but that's a lengthy story all on its own). She was remorseful and I was gracious. I never asked questions since I had already seen all their texts, but she ended up volunteering information on her own that only corroborated what I already knew. I think, like you, she needed to get some things off her chest. It was healing for both of us and we made peace.

 

You did the right thing by her, and for you, so please discard the lies playing out in your mind that they can or will destroy you. Block them both from your email accounts, cell phone, etc. because the MM is the one messing with you, and quite heartlessly through his BW. What's done is done, and pretty soon they will be dealing strictly with each other.

 

I don't believe for one second he has the balls to do anything, especially since he stands a greater chance of losing them, along with another vital organ that is so precious to him.

 

Be at peace, Hazy. Be at peace.

 

Thanks FfM. I hope she can see this, at the moment her messages are full of accusations (his lies to her) and why I behaved like that so mine are mostly me explained how the truth is very different. I don't know if she believes me. You were very gracious towards your h's OW to take her word and I only wish that xMM's wife could feel the same towards me. She sent me another message last night with questions based upon his lies. Again, I put my side across... but it's his word against mine. This time though, I stressed that for most of what I have told her I have evidence.

 

I don't think he has the balls to do anything either - where would they have grown from all of a sudden?

 

 

I agree with this.

 

Hazy I am sorry that you are dealing with this blowback. You did what you felt was the right thing and you have done all you can do. Block them both completely.

 

I still think you should see/speak to your solicitor about the threats because this MM is manipulative and and bully. Make sure you cover your a$$ and protect your job.

 

I haven't heard from him since the last, thank goodness, but I will Phoenix, thank you. I wish that she could see him for the manipulative, cowardly bully he is too. Or maybe he is a snivelling, pathetic wretch with her, I don't know. Point is, she's seeing far too much of the good in him and his story.

 

Thank you.

 

I think the MOST that that means is IF you're in an at fault state, adultery could give her the upper hand in how things are divided out. Citing you would be a way to provide proof of the affair, and you could be subpoenaed for providing testimony to that fact.

 

I seriously doubt she knows what she's going to do regarding divorce, separation, or reconciliation. She doesn't know which end is up right now, so anything she says is rooted in pain.

 

Please, please don't let this consume you.

 

You know, if she wanted she could have all the evidence she desired from me, I have no reason to protect him. I am trying to stay aware of how the things she writes reflect her pain AND that she is most likely trying her hardest to believe him and keep her family together, after all, this is what she wants more than anything - she has told me this.

 

Hazy, don't ever regret telling the truth!

 

Especially when people in volatile situations try to shoot the messenger!

 

His lying, cheating, gas-lighting ways has caused terrible issues for not one, but two women. Do NOT let him blame anyone but HIMSELF.

 

When the dust settles, it will NOT matter who was believed and who was not.

 

It will only matter who told the truth and who did not.

 

And that takes courage and integrity, no easy tasks.

 

At the end of all our days, we lie down with ourselves and our maker? higher power? and look back and assess our lives.

 

Some will have taken the easy route. Some will have taken the high road.

 

If you have TRIED to take the high road; to have made the world a better place from having been here; to have attempted to ease the suffering of one person; to have taken ownership of all your actions, including mistakes, and tried to make ammends to those you have wronged....

 

You will have NO REGRETS.

 

For me? That's a life well-lived, authentic and true. That's a win-win for YOU, hazy. Hell, that a win-win for all.

 

Thank you, Spark. I do feel a bit better about it today. It's not a perfect situation, by a long stretch, but I hope the truth does prevail.

 

Latest is that he has told her he got back in touch with me, yes, but also told me that he would never leave her!!! My mind boggles with how she could believe that - why would someone initiate contact after six months to tell the other they'll never leave? It doesn't make sense. I have told her that he actually said the opposite (like everything else he's told her) I hope she gets to that point of thinking - to her I'm still the woman trying to steal her husband.

 

Thanks so much for your support guys. It means a lot.

[desertIslandCactus]

Don't allow her to confront you. Make her know you are only trying to give her info/answers. She can take it or leave it ..

[Hazyhead]

Don't allow her to confront you. Make her know you are only trying to give her info/answers. She can take it or leave it ..

 

Yeah, thanks, desert. I need to put my guilty feelings aside enough to do that... at the moment I feel I am not as strong as I would normally be. I think it's also because in her messages I can read her effort to stay calm and as polite as she can, and it sounds strained as a result. You're right though. I'm not answering everything she asks for my benefit, though FightforMe was right, there was and is a sense of getting it off my chest.... but I can take it or leave it at this point if I'm going to have to fight accusation after accusation. There is also the side of me that has the 'HE SAID WHAT?!?!' reaction and wants to defend myself and correct the falsity.

[desertIslandCactus]

She needs to believe him because she needs him. So all you can do is give her your info ..

[Hazyhead]

You're very right. It is what I'm trying to do. After I write my responses to her I read through and check I'm not being emotional or defensive and I delete what seems so. I know that she doesn't need that and I have no part, nor right, to comment on what she decides to do... it's hard to stay impartial... but I'll keep pinching myself to help remember this.

 

Again - thanks