Author Hazyhead Posted October 9, 2010 Author Posted October 9, 2010 (edited) Sorry I didn't respond properly Turnstone. I did appreciate your advice and it certainly made sense. I've just been reading on my phone and it makes it difficult to see where I'm responding and I missed yours then. I do think she is getting to the point where she has enough now to pursue whatever path is best for her. She says she wants the answers for the sake of the child they have together so that she has answers for her in the future. You know, I think that if he had handled it honestly she might just have given him a chance. I will tell my lawyer. Maybe I should run my relsponse past them. Or at least past my friend who is also a lawyer. I can be too trusting generally, but I'm really trying to act with caution here, only because of the snake he is. Thank you, Turnstone. HH, I'm not sure if you just missed my last post, it wasn't worth commenting on or you're ignoring me, but just incase - I sincerely hope that the BS is coming to you for exactly what she says, and there's no reason why she shouldn't be, but do advise your lawyer of the interaction between you two. I thinks its fantastic that you're prepared to answer her questions and I think you need to see how the communication develops and what she's like, before giving her any information that she's not asking for. Also, I feel that if you can remain factual and remove the emotion, it will help her to not only deal with it, but actually believe what you're saying. As I said before, she's known for a while that he's lying and without integrity, and you giving her the opportunity to get her answers and regain control of her life, is really wonderful. Edited October 9, 2010 by Hazyhead
Author Hazyhead Posted October 9, 2010 Author Posted October 9, 2010 At that point the A had stopped and hubby had tried it on again. HH was not a mistress at that point in time. W spoke to her and had the choice to believe or not to believe but did not have the right to threaten. If she was so ignorant that she believed her H then that's her problem, not HHs. Thanks Summer. I actually understand her threatening me, although I'm not saying it was right. Having received the text from her and knowing she wants to get answers from me makes me think that she was just lashing out. I think it's also natural that when we are threatened, we protect ourselves. Not many would say, 'Well, I did act badly towards you so do whatever you will.' When someone threatens us it can be scary, regardless of what we might have done to deserve it.
boomboom63 Posted October 9, 2010 Posted October 9, 2010 I was a BS and confronted my W's MM - he denied it of course - he was a close friend of mine for nearly as long as I had been married. I outed the affair to our circle of friends and eventually my W wrote his W a long email apologising for her part in it. Her response was angry towards my W - which is fair enough. Her response to me in the same email can only be described as vitriolic. I guess there was a need for her to lash out at anyone and I was a safe bet to not respond. She obviously believes her POS H - And never looked to ask me or my W for our point of view. In the course of my therapy denial was a subject that came up frequently and I reached the conclusion that sometimes it is the minds way of protecting you from something that you can't actually deal with right now. maybe your MM's W started to want the answers and then just couldn't bear the world of pain that was probably going to come her way - Deep down she knows the answer but is denying it to save her from hurt right now. the threatening is a normal response - it could also be a form of self sabotage on her part - make you an open enemy and she won't have to hear the truth from you so then she has to believe the only source available to her namely her H. it is then even easier for her to believe that you are the bunny-boiling stalker who relentlessly pursued her H. You did the right thing and hopefully in time she will see that - if she doesn't YOU know you did the right thing given the difficult circumstances. Not an easy spot to be in for you - but you DID do the right thing Hugs BB
Author Hazyhead Posted October 9, 2010 Author Posted October 9, 2010 I was a BS and confronted my W's MM - he denied it of course - he was a close friend of mine for nearly as long as I had been married. I outed the affair to our circle of friends and eventually my W wrote his W a long email apologising for her part in it. Her response was angry towards my W - which is fair enough. Her response to me in the same email can only be described as vitriolic. I guess there was a need for her to lash out at anyone and I was a safe bet to not respond. She obviously believes her POS H - And never looked to ask me or my W for our point of view. In the course of my therapy denial was a subject that came up frequently and I reached the conclusion that sometimes it is the minds way of protecting you from something that you can't actually deal with right now. maybe your MM's W started to want the answers and then just couldn't bear the world of pain that was probably going to come her way - Deep down she knows the answer but is denying it to save her from hurt right now. the threatening is a normal response - it could also be a form of self sabotage on her part - make you an open enemy and she won't have to hear the truth from you so then she has to believe the only source available to her namely her H. it is then even easier for her to believe that you are the bunny-boiling stalker who relentlessly pursued her H. You did the right thing and hopefully in time she will see that - if she doesn't YOU know you did the right thing given the difficult circumstances. Not an easy spot to be in for you - but you DID do the right thing Hugs BB I never thought of the threatening as being a form of self-sacrifice... that makes sense. Her attitude did seem to be different, though, in her text... but I guess it would be. After I sent her my address to write to, she replied with a simple thank you. I understand her anger toward me and I know it must be really hard to text me in a civil manner, as she did, especially after a couple of days of screaming at me down the phone. I think it takes guts for her to put that aside and contact me politely. IT must have been incredibly hard for you, him being one of your best friends... the double betrayal must be utterly devastating and I'm so sorry you went through that. I hope she does, in time, see him for who he is. Her life would be so much better without the stress of him in it. Thanks for the hugs, BB
kuma Posted October 9, 2010 Posted October 9, 2010 Hazyhead, I hope everything will work out for you. Take care. ((hugs))
jj33 Posted October 10, 2010 Posted October 10, 2010 Hope you are OK just saw this thread. Make sure you talk to your solicitor not just a well meaning friend someone who specializes in these sorts of cases before you do anything. Big hugs
Author Hazyhead Posted October 11, 2010 Author Posted October 11, 2010 Hazyhead, I hope everything will work out for you. Take care. ((hugs)) Thank you Kuma Hope you are OK just saw this thread. Make sure you talk to your solicitor not just a well meaning friend someone who specializes in these sorts of cases before you do anything. Big hugs Thanks JJ, that's what I'm trying to do. I have just received an email from his wife asking for answers, vaguely rather than anything specific. Unfortunately my solicitor is away this week so I've replied explaining that I want to tell her but, due to his threats, I can't right now. I don't want to do anything without running it past her. His wife still sounds very frustrated so I think she'll just think I'm making excuses. I still get the feeling though that she wants to forgive him... if only he'd tell the truth on his own he'd be safe. After everything he's done to her she's still just so worried about him. I'm kind of tempted to message him telling him this but I so know it'll be misconstrued as bunny-boiling behaviour. Trying to matchmake them is probably inappropriate right now :-/
whichwayisup Posted October 11, 2010 Posted October 11, 2010 The thing is, you don't know for sure if it's her or him. You're handling this right by waiting to talk to your lawyer. Be weary..
Author Hazyhead Posted October 11, 2010 Author Posted October 11, 2010 The thing is, you don't know for sure if it's her or him. You're handling this right by waiting to talk to your lawyer. Be weary.. I had thought that, too, although I am fairly convinced. Thanks wwiu. I just hope she doesn't think I'm playing games with her (as she's stated in her email she thinks I did with her husband).
whichwayisup Posted October 11, 2010 Posted October 11, 2010 I had thought that, too, although I am fairly convinced. Thanks wwiu. I just hope she doesn't think I'm playing games with her (as she's stated in her email she thinks I did with her husband). You were the one who reached out to her. From the heart. I'm sure she knew that from the start but then d!ckhead got to her, fired her up, convinced her otherwise. Maybe she is questioning it all now and things have calmed down, enough that is thinking outside the box, realizing that her H has influenced her on this.
Author Hazyhead Posted October 11, 2010 Author Posted October 11, 2010 You were the one who reached out to her. From the heart. I'm sure she knew that from the start but then d!ckhead got to her, fired her up, convinced her otherwise. Maybe she is questioning it all now and things have calmed down, enough that is thinking outside the box, realizing that her H has influenced her on this. I hope this is the case, certainly after she came so close to finding out. I guess time will tell. You know, it's a shame for him that he didn't give her enough respect and credit to tell her himself. I think the outcome would have been very different for them. I mean, it doesn't seem like a completely hopeless situation, just this would have been the best way for them to find recovery, I think.
Author Hazyhead Posted October 11, 2010 Author Posted October 11, 2010 I'm screwed. I just received a text from her. She got my message about not being able to tell her until I've spoken to my solicitor, but she says if I don't tell her everything she'll bring the issue into my work, my family and name me in the divorce... so, threats if I do, threats if I don't. What on earth do I do now?
desertIslandCactus Posted October 11, 2010 Posted October 11, 2010 I'm kind of tempted to message him telling him this but I so know it'll be misconstrued as bunny-boiling behaviour. Trying to matchmake them is probably inappropriate right now :-/ Please don't message or talk to him about this or anything anymore Hazy.. Haven't you learned from this .. If you want to finish what you started and enlighten the wife that's one thing. If it were me, I would tell the wife you will give her answers according to any of her questions.
desertIslandCactus Posted October 11, 2010 Posted October 11, 2010 I'm screwed. I just received a text from her. She got my message about not being able to tell her until I've spoken to my solicitor, but she says if I don't tell her everything she'll bring the issue into my work, my family and name me in the divorce... so, threats if I do, threats if I don't. What on earth do I do now? SIMPLE. You tell her you wanted to share with her out of compassion, and to answer her questions. But Now with a threat such as this.. YOU ARE UNABLE TO COMPLY.
whichwayisup Posted October 11, 2010 Posted October 11, 2010 I'm screwed. I just received a text from her. She got my message about not being able to tell her until I've spoken to my solicitor, but she says if I don't tell her everything she'll bring the issue into my work, my family and name me in the divorce... so, threats if I do, threats if I don't. What on earth do I do now? Is there another lawyer you can talk to in the office where your lawyer is? Call the office and see if the receptionist can pass you along to someone else. Don't text her back until you get legal advice. I know you're tempted, but don't! Threatening messages again isn't something you want to react to, even though we all know you're coming from a kind hearted place, his wife doesn't fully know that (yet). Once you talk to someone , or your lawyer, then maybe WITH your lawyer when he/she is back from holidays make plans to talk to his wife.
PhoenixRise Posted October 11, 2010 Posted October 11, 2010 SIMPLE. You tell her you wanted to share with her out of compassion, and to answer her questions. But Now with a threat such as this.. YOU ARE UNABLE TO COMPLY. I agree with this.
Author Hazyhead Posted October 11, 2010 Author Posted October 11, 2010 I did tell her that but now Ive received a text from him saying I'm killing her. There is no way out of this.
PhoenixRise Posted October 11, 2010 Posted October 11, 2010 Is there another lawyer you can talk to in the office where your lawyer is? Call the office and see if the receptionist can pass you along to someone else. Don't text her back until you get legal advice. I know you're tempted, but don't! Threatening messages again isn't something you want to react to, even though we all know you're coming from a kind hearted place, his wife doesn't fully know that (yet). Once you talk to someone , or your lawyer, then maybe WITH your lawyer when he/she is back from holidays make plans to talk to his wife. In fact perhaps you can alert the wife that you will leave a letter and any evidence you have with your Lawyer and she can go to your lawyer's office to pick it up. I feel bad for the wife, she must feel like she is losing her mind and being asked to wait after being contacted with an offer of information must feel terrible. BUT MM threated you and so did she. NOW if she can't wait for you to do things in a way that feels safer for you she will just need to accept the "truth" from her husband. AND I feel bad for you HH. You tried to do the right thing. At this point I say you just protect yourself.
PhoenixRise Posted October 11, 2010 Posted October 11, 2010 I did tell her that but now Ive received a text from him saying I'm killing her. There is no way out of this. HH my dday happened because I intercepted some emails, not because my H confessed. When I contacted the OW, I knew my H was lying to me and minimizing the situation. I emailed FOW early in the morning and she emailed me back to say she would be glad to talk to me at the end of the workday. It was torture waiting for the hours to pass to get this information that I knew would be devastating and all the while I was hoping against hope that I had misunderstood and there was a reasonable explanation for it all. By the end of the day, I was just about a basket case. I get how she feels. I can't imagine how I would have reacted if I had been told we would talk next week sometime. However due to the threats, you do have to protect yourself.
desertIslandCactus Posted October 11, 2010 Posted October 11, 2010 I did tell her that but now Ive received a text from him saying I'm killing her. There is no way out of this. I could think of lots of things for you to tell him.. But since they have Both shown their colors .. All you can do is to put them Both on Ignore. Should he continue to approach you, tell him you are going to get a restraining order or whatever.
PhoenixRise Posted October 11, 2010 Posted October 11, 2010 I did tell her that but now Ive received a text from him saying I'm killing her. There is no way out of this. NO HE is killing her by being a lying cheating, manipulative, gaslighting, fraction of a man.
Author Hazyhead Posted October 11, 2010 Author Posted October 11, 2010 Thanks guys. He dropped his threats and so I've emailed her my side of the story. I'm well aware that this could all backfire in my face but now... I'm so worn out by it all that I don't care. They could well still ruin me... I guess I'll have to take that. I've always fancied a life on the other side of the world :-/ Thank you, as always, for your input.
whichwayisup Posted October 12, 2010 Posted October 12, 2010 What do you mean he dropped his threats? How do you know he won't change his mind again? I hope she is the one receiving the email and not him. In fact perhaps you can alert the wife that you will leave a letter and any evidence you have with your Lawyer and she can go to your lawyer's office to pick it up. I really like this idea, either her or her lawyer only, not MM or his lawyer if he has one. Hope you're doing okay, try not to worry. I doubt they are going to try to your life, your career. Threats sometimes are just that and a scare tactic. Don't ever show them your fear..
Author Hazyhead Posted October 12, 2010 Author Posted October 12, 2010 What do you mean he dropped his threats? How do you know he won't change his mind again? I hope she is the one receiving the email and not him. I really like this idea, either her or her lawyer only, not MM or his lawyer if he has one. Hope you're doing okay, try not to worry. I doubt they are going to try to your life, your career. Threats sometimes are just that and a scare tactic. Don't ever show them your fear.. I don't know, wwis. I dont know now to take anything from them anymore. I figured he might not fully mean his threats because he sent me a message saying that me ignoring her was killing her, as if i was messing around with her. I have emailed her my story. Now l hope I never hear from either of them again. She had mentioned citing me in the divorce... does anyone know how that usually pans out? I regret offering the truth.
desertIslandCactus Posted October 12, 2010 Posted October 12, 2010 I don't know, wwis. I dont know now to take anything from them anymore. I figured he might not fully mean his threats because he sent me a message saying that me ignoring her was killing her, as if i was messing around with her. I have emailed her my story. Now l hope I never hear from either of them again. She had mentioned citing me in the divorce... does anyone know how that usually pans out? I regret offering the truth. It's just as well you told her - anyway he drove you to it with his disrespect. We are a no fault state. So perhaps you can google more info - until posters who know more than me, are able to give input.
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