Spark1111 Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 HH I am glad you are contacting a lawyer to protect yourself. This "man" is a real piece of work and his wife is so gaslit she can't see straight. When you posted that he wanted time to tell BW himself I was afraid you would get painted as a bunny boiler if he got to the wife first. You have done the best you could with a crap situation. Is there a way to block him from calling or texting you? My sentiments exactly....promising to go home and tell her the truth before you could was the perfect dodge and weave maneuver. I am so sorry Hazy. You really tried to do the honorable thing, and it really might have worked, except HE did get to her first. Hang in there. I would really be surprised if there is any more communication! Those abusive texts he sent you were all a ruse to convince his W that you are the bunny boiler. He probably was showing it to her as he did it. After his grandstand performance for her benefit, I would really be amazed if you heard anything else from them..... Unless, she calms down in weeks or months and begins to wonder about it all......I feel so sorry for her too. Talk to an attorney. Make copies of everything you have and ask them to hold it for you.... It would not be a bad idea to have copies of all your proof in a safe place in the event any other threats are made. (((Hugs Hazy))))
PortuguesePrincess80 Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 My sentiments exactly....promising to go home and tell her the truth before you could was the perfect dodge and weave maneuver. I am so sorry Hazy. You really tried to do the honorable thing, and it really might have worked, except HE did get to her first. Hang in there. I would really be surprised if there is any more communication! Those abusive texts he sent you were all a ruse to convince his W that you are the bunny boiler. He probably was showing it to her as he did it. After his grandstand performance for her benefit, I would really be amazed if you heard anything else from them..... Unless, she calms down in weeks or months and begins to wonder about it all......I feel so sorry for her too. Talk to an attorney. Make copies of everything you have and ask them to hold it for you.... It would not be a bad idea to have copies of all your proof in a safe place in the event any other threats are made. (((Hugs Hazy)))) UNfortunately I'm the type to say you made your bed type of deal. I don't see how you of all people Spark1111 feel bad for the outcome to all this! I can see this guy is an ASS but so were both of our fws's. Why the sympathy for someone who clearly put herself in the position to be with a man whose married?
Spark1111 Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 I completely agree with this. Of course she's gonna say you better watch your back..I said the same thing. You knew what you were getting involved with..why is it now that you see the light? He lied to his wife this whole time..didn;t leave her like he let you believe all this time...sure it hurts..but seriously..just put your feelings aside for a minute..and put yourself in her shoes! yes, but in defense of Hazy....she wanted NC and the MM kept breaking it! She told him in no uncertain terms that if he continued to contact her, she would tell his wife. He did. She came on here and most of us encouraged her to carry out her plan. But he begs her to give him time to run home and tell his wife the truth after threatening her he would have her fired. She supports him to do that, to tell his wife the truth and guess what? He lies to his wife and paints her as a bunny boiler stalker and now the two of them are screaming at her! She didn't want him back. She wanted him to stop contacting her and she felt sorry for the wife who has just had a baby! Princess, this MM is a real piece of work, ya know I mean?
Silly_Girl Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 UNfortunately I'm the type to say you made your bed type of deal. I don't see how you of all people Spark1111 feel bad for the outcome to all this! I can see this guy is an ASS but so were both of our fws's. Why the sympathy for someone who clearly put herself in the position to be with a man whose married? .......... Just to clarify - he said they were over when they weren't, he was stringing us both along. Do I tell her he is blackmailing me? Sorry this is rushed but she could ring at any sec.
Spark1111 Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 UNfortunately I'm the type to say you made your bed type of deal. I don't see how you of all people Spark1111 feel bad for the outcome to all this! I can see this guy is an ASS but so were both of our fws's. Why the sympathy for someone who clearly put herself in the position to be with a man whose married? Because NOW she is taking the high road to tell the wife the truth of this clown....HE IS STILL CONTACTING HAZY, hinting to re-initiate, and she feels sorry for the wife who just had a baby and who gave this guy a chance to be a real man. Hazy is trying to do the right thing by the wife! This guy needs a posse of LS WOMAN, both BS and OW,to beat him with brickbats! That's what I think!
ladydesigner Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 So sorry HH. It just reinforces who your MM really is. I would get the restraining order as well to protect yourself. They have to deal with their own crap now. They are not your problem anymore.
PhoenixRise Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 You Know.... I think that when a person feels remorse over pain they have caused/participated in and feels compassion for the one they helped hurt AND tries to take action to make amends in a way that comes from a place of integrity....this should be supported. HH's threads tell the story of a MM who is a bully and a master manipulator. They tell the story of a wife who initially wanted the truth from HH but who was gaslit and manipulated into believing a false version of reality. The Only Person In This Triangle Who Has Even Had An Impulse Toward Honesty and Truth Telling is HazyHead, who happens to have been at one point the OW. It is sad isn't it. MM lies and twists reality to keep his wife docile and in the dark while the only truth teller in the situation gets her job threatened, gets screamed at, and gets called a bunny boiler. The affair was already over. HH was trying to do the right thing. She didn't deserve this.
freestyle Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 You Know.... I think that when a person feels remorse over pain they have caused/participated in and feels compassion for the one they helped hurt AND tries to take action to make amends in a way that comes from a place of integrity....this should be supported. HH's threads tell the story of a MM who is a bully and a master manipulator. They tell the story of a wife who initially wanted the truth from HH but who was gaslit and manipulated into believing a false version of reality. The Only Person In This Triangle Who Has Even Had An Impulse Toward Honesty and Truth Telling is HazyHead, who happens to have been at one point the OW. It is sad isn't it. MM lies and twists reality to keep his wife docile and in the dark while the only truth teller in the situation gets her job threatened, gets screamed at, and gets called a bunny boiler. The affair was already over. HH was trying to do the right thing. She didn't deserve this. nor does she deserved to be bashed right now, like some of the posters have done.She tried to do the right thing..........she walked away a long time ago, he tried to suck her back in, and didn't back off when she asked him to. off-topic---Nice to see you back, Phoenix Rise!
PhoenixRise Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 nor does she deserved to be bashed right now, like some of the posters have done.She tried to do the right thing..........she walked away a long time ago, he tried to suck her back in, and didn't back off when she asked him to. Exactly! off-topic---Nice to see you back, Phoenix Rise! Thank You 10 Characters
greengoddess Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 You have to remember hazyhead was trying to NOW put a stop to it but she was the ow for years and inserted herself in this woman's marriage. This is the infidelity forum. That can make for a lot of upset people when you advise the other woman to get a restraining order because the wife told her to watch her back. What do you expect a woman to say to the Long term mistress of her husband. "Oh thanks honey for telling me?"
ladydesigner Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 You have to remember hazyhead was trying to NOW put a stop to it but she was the ow for years and inserted herself in this woman's marriage. This is the infidelity forum. That can make for a lot of upset people when you advise the other woman to get a restraining order because the wife told her to watch her back. What do you expect a woman to say to the Long term mistress of her husband. "Oh thanks honey for telling me?" Well I think she knows this. I believe she wanted some honest opinions and was trying to do the right thing in the end. I would give anything for one of my H's OW to come forward and give me an honest to god truth as I am pretty positive he has not told me the truth of it all. The BS in her situation hasn't even given her a chance to come clean, she is just blindly believing everything her H is saying. I do hope she comes back for answers. Although I am not sure HH will want to be giving answers so freely after this.
greengoddess Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 Well I think she knows this. I believe she wanted some honest opinions and was trying to do the right thing in the end. I would give anything for one of my H's OW to come forward and give me an honest to god truth as I am pretty positive he has not told me the truth of it all. The BS in her situation hasn't even given her a chance to come clean, she is just blindly believing everything her H is saying. I do hope she comes back for answers. Although I am not sure HH will want to be giving answers so freely after this. I think you're right.
BB07 Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 Hugs Hazy.......and just file 13 those posts that aren't helpful right now. I'm sorry that things went down as they did. It especially sucks that you were trying so hard to do the right thing and it got thrown in your face. The point is......you were trying and that is what counts.
PhoenixRise Posted October 8, 2010 Posted October 8, 2010 You have to remember hazyhead was trying to NOW put a stop to it but she was the ow for years and inserted herself in this woman's marriage. This is the infidelity forum. That can make for a lot of upset people when you advise the other woman to get a restraining order because the wife told her to watch her back. What do you expect a woman to say to the Long term mistress of her husband. "Oh thanks honey for telling me?" I get this. I even get why the wife could see it this way. I just keep coming back to the fact that the wife was ready and willing to hear HH out until her husband gaslit the hell out of her. I believe that everybody needs to accept the consequences of their behavior HH included. However these threats are not based on HH's behavior (the wife was willing to hear her husband's former OW out) it is based on the MM's false depiction of her as some crazed, stalker, bunny boiler. It just burns me up that this POS MM gets to successfully bend reality into a pretzel so that he looks like the now honorable faithful husband trying to fend off bunny boiling ow when nothing could be farther from the truth.
fooled once Posted October 8, 2010 Posted October 8, 2010 Hi Hazy ((hug)) How I wish you had not given him the chance to talk to her first...can I ask why you felt you owed that to him? By NO means am I coming down on you; I just wonder why you still gave him the benefit of the doubt that he would tell the truth. I bet you will never let that happen again You have grown and changed so much since you first arrived. Be proud of the woman you are today. I don't like the phrase "everyone makes mistakes" when it comes to affairs; because when they are started, they are a mistake to even start. Mistakes are like math errors or mixing green and red paint and thinking it will be pink You learned some valuable things with the experience you went through. You took a journey, which you thought would be good, and it ended like so many affairs end...with lots of pain, anguish and misery. BUT you learned about YOU during this journey. And I personally don't think there is ever anything bad about learning more about yourself. I wish you the best. You are someone who I really enjoy reading their views and I am glad you are a member here, no matter what situation brought you here. ((hugs))
desertIslandCactus Posted October 8, 2010 Posted October 8, 2010 Hazy, I don't see anything wrong with the way it turned out. He came to you six months after dday to mess you about and lie again. You contacted his wife. She Knew you had information for her. She could have sought your info .. but to protect herself she chose to believe her H.. Even if you had gotten to her before him, your info could have been refuted in her mind - by him. I'm sure there will still be Question in her mind.. The longer you are quiet - the more she will doubt his side of the story. Your job is still secure .. and He knows he has to walk the line - or you will go to his wife - or further.
Author Hazyhead Posted October 8, 2010 Author Posted October 8, 2010 Hazyhead I know you are hurt too but don't you think this woman has been through enough for the time being? Please don't call the cops on her. She is home with a young child she is not going to come after you. Also how will you feel going to the police saying oh I had an affair with this woman's husband and now she is threatening me? This woman is reacting to a threat to her family. YOU. How would you react if someone threatened your family? I didn't say that I would go to the police about her threats, I said that they scared me and I would take action if necessary to protect myself. I have to. I know and completely understand that she is hurt beyond belief right now and it's natural to lash out, especially at those with a hand in your hurt, of which I obviously do. In her shoes I know that I would hate me. But, that does not mean that I will let myself take anything harmful thrown at me. I hope it does not come to that. I completely agree with this. Of course she's gonna say you better watch your back..I said the same thing. You knew what you were getting involved with..why is it now that you see the light? He lied to his wife this whole time..didn;t leave her like he let you believe all this time...sure it hurts..but seriously..just put your feelings aside for a minute..and put yourself in her shoes! I did and that was my reason for telling. Sure, I've not been there and don't really know, and I know I'm a hypocrite because I put myself willingly into that situation, but that doesn't mean that because I thought that then and was able to put her aside that I feel the same way always. I feel so sorry for my part in her hurt and I can't take that away, ever... so this is the best I can do. You have to remember hazyhead was trying to NOW put a stop to it but she was the ow for years and inserted herself in this woman's marriage. This is the infidelity forum. That can make for a lot of upset people when you advise the other woman to get a restraining order because the wife told her to watch her back. What do you expect a woman to say to the Long term mistress of her husband. "Oh thanks honey for telling me?" I was the OW for a year. Not thatI'm saying that's nothing - I'm not, but it was the constant trying to put a stop to all the pain that has enabled me to walk away. OR so I thought until he contacted me again. I'm sorry that I have offended you but it was never my intention. I decided to post on this forum because it was the point of view of the BS I wanted - she was waiting for answers and, in the tricky situation he had put me in, I wondered the best way, for both of us, to deal with it. The right way. And I would never expect a positive response from her - I'm not stupid. That was not implied when I talked about her reaction - my point was in reference to how her husband had twisted the facts so that again she was blaming me for the contact.
Author Hazyhead Posted October 8, 2010 Author Posted October 8, 2010 If she actually said that to you--go today...........She's probably just blowing smoke, but it's better to have documentation on your side. From what I've read, the first one to go to the cops in a situation like this, is the most likely to be believed, should it turn into a he said/shesaid type scenario. Show them text messages, or let them hear voice mails, if you haven't erased them already. I'm sorry it turned out this way----you did try to do the right thing. With a RO in place, I think you can safely put them both in your rearview mirror.........fading into the distance. My sentiments exactly....promising to go home and tell her the truth before you could was the perfect dodge and weave maneuver. I am so sorry Hazy. You really tried to do the honorable thing, and it really might have worked, except HE did get to her first. Hang in there. I would really be surprised if there is any more communication! Those abusive texts he sent you were all a ruse to convince his W that you are the bunny boiler. He probably was showing it to her as he did it. After his grandstand performance for her benefit, I would really be amazed if you heard anything else from them..... Unless, she calms down in weeks or months and begins to wonder about it all......I feel so sorry for her too. Talk to an attorney. Make copies of everything you have and ask them to hold it for you.... It would not be a bad idea to have copies of all your proof in a safe place in the event any other threats are made. (((Hugs Hazy)))) The legal advice was great, thank you. I have briefly spoken to the solicitor and they have told me they can help me with protecting myself as far as the law is concerned, due to his threats. I am going in to speak with them next week. Thank you. The copies of everything I have are currently safe and it will be no problem to make copies of anything.
Author Hazyhead Posted October 8, 2010 Author Posted October 8, 2010 yes, but in defense of Hazy....she wanted NC and the MM kept breaking it! She told him in no uncertain terms that if he continued to contact her, she would tell his wife. He did. She came on here and most of us encouraged her to carry out her plan. But he begs her to give him time to run home and tell his wife the truth after threatening her he would have her fired. She supports him to do that, to tell his wife the truth and guess what? He lies to his wife and paints her as a bunny boiler stalker and now the two of them are screaming at her! She didn't want him back. She wanted him to stop contacting her and she felt sorry for the wife who has just had a baby! Princess, this MM is a real piece of work, ya know I mean? Also love you baseball bat idea! You Know.... I think that when a person feels remorse over pain they have caused/participated in and feels compassion for the one they helped hurt AND tries to take action to make amends in a way that comes from a place of integrity....this should be supported. HH's threads tell the story of a MM who is a bully and a master manipulator. They tell the story of a wife who initially wanted the truth from HH but who was gaslit and manipulated into believing a false version of reality. The Only Person In This Triangle Who Has Even Had An Impulse Toward Honesty and Truth Telling is HazyHead, who happens to have been at one point the OW. I am crossing my fingers that now she has too. He... never gonna happen! It is sad isn't it. MM lies and twists reality to keep his wife docile and in the dark while the only truth teller in the situation gets her job threatened, gets screamed at, and gets called a bunny boiler. The affair was already over. HH was trying to do the right thing. She didn't deserve this. nor does she deserved to be bashed right now, like some of the posters have done.She tried to do the right thing..........she walked away a long time ago, he tried to suck her back in, and didn't back off when she asked him to. off-topic---Nice to see you back, Phoenix Rise! Well I think she knows this. I believe she wanted some honest opinions and was trying to do the right thing in the end. I would give anything for one of my H's OW to come forward and give me an honest to god truth as I am pretty positive he has not told me the truth of it all. The BS in her situation hasn't even given her a chance to come clean, she is just blindly believing everything her H is saying. I do hope she comes back for answers. Although I am not sure HH will want to be giving answers so freely after this. Hugs Hazy.......and just file 13 those posts that aren't helpful right now. I'm sorry that things went down as they did. It especially sucks that you were trying so hard to do the right thing and it got thrown in your face. The point is......you were trying and that is what counts. Hi Hazy ((hug)) How I wish you had not given him the chance to talk to her first...can I ask why you felt you owed that to him? I don't know if it would be that I felt I owed it now... I think I just thought it would be better for her coming from him - y'know, if there's anything to salvage or something. I know now that it was stupid By NO means am I coming down on you; I just wonder why you still gave him the benefit of the doubt that he would tell the truth. I bet you will never let that happen again I know FO. I have ALWAYS appreciated your honest stance. You have grown and changed so much since you first arrived. Be proud of the woman you are today. I don't like the phrase "everyone makes mistakes" when it comes to affairs; because when they are started, they are a mistake to even start. Mistakes are like math errors or mixing green and red paint and thinking it will be pink You learned some valuable things with the experience you went through. You took a journey, which you thought would be good, and it ended like so many affairs end...with lots of pain, anguish and misery. BUT you learned about YOU during this journey. And I personally don't think there is ever anything bad about learning more about yourself. I wish you the best. You are someone who I really enjoy reading their views and I am glad you are a member here, no matter what situation brought you here. ((hugs)) Hazy, I don't see anything wrong with the way it turned out. He came to you six months after dday to mess you about and lie again. You contacted his wife. She Knew you had information for her. She could have sought your info .. but to protect herself she chose to believe her H.. Even if you had gotten to her before him, your info could have been refuted in her mind - by him. I'm sure there will still be Question in her mind.. The longer you are quiet - the more she will doubt his side of the story. Your job is still secure .. and He knows he has to walk the line - or you will go to his wife - or further. I'm sure I've gone overboard with the multi-quoting but wanted to say thank you to you guys. It's hard during this to see that you're doing the right thing, when you can hear someone's pain and know that you are adding to it. I made a commitment to offer her truth and I have to honour that if she wishes. I've not heard any more from him, which is hopefully a good sign... though I know it's early days. Last night I thought that that must be it, from her certainly after hearing how extremely disgusted with me and I was willing to let it go. Had to let it go, rather - they want to build it on the basis they have, it's their choice. I wouldn't interfere at all. I'd have to be insane! But, today at lunch I received a text from his wife saying that she knew he'd threatened me but she really did wanted to know the truth so asked could she write to me. She also asked that I not tell him about the contact (wouldn't ever). I replied by sending her my home and email address and another apology. The way I figure it is, he already knows my address and he's my biggest threat, so what difference does it make telling her? I was also aware that she knows my parents' address (they have a business and xMM drove her past it one day on a visit to my town... After taking her to his couseling session, the douche. she was unaware, of course, at the time that this was the case) and my work address, so if she wanted to harm me I'd rather her bring it to me personally that involve further those around me. So, I'll wait and see and I know he's threatened me and everything, but I still want her to have her answers. Again, thank you for your support
PhoenixRise Posted October 8, 2010 Posted October 8, 2010 Hazy I commend you for still being willing to give her the information. I hope this goes well (as well as can be expected) for you both. I would just say when you talk to her, make sure you stick to the reason you contacted her in the first place, MM not leaving you alone and trying to pull you back into the affair. Don't talk about the specifics of whatever he is blackmailing/ threatening you with.
Author Hazyhead Posted October 8, 2010 Author Posted October 8, 2010 Hazy I commend you for still being willing to give her the information. I hope this goes well (as well as can be expected) for you both. I would just say when you talk to her, make sure you stick to the reason you contacted her in the first place, MM not leaving you alone and trying to pull you back into the affair. Don't talk about the specifics of whatever he is blackmailing/ threatening you with. Thank you Phoenix. I'll remember that. I think involving her in the blackmail issue might complicate things more? I am going to try to keep that issue as simple as possible. If she writes to me with questions do you think it better I answer only them and nothing else? And the reason for contacting that is. I have to keep in mind that it's just for her and leave my gall for him aside. I have my combat classes for that. In my head, he's had such a beating over the last few months!
NoIDidn't Posted October 9, 2010 Posted October 9, 2010 HH I'm so sorry for the way that things turned out. I would never have let him pre-empt me, but I totally understand why you did. I've been in this situation before and the outcome was similar, so I know the pain and confusion you are feeling. Especially after trying to trust him to do the right thing. Take care of yourself and definitely continue with your legal actions. If they are setting you up to look like Glenn Close, you are VERY correct to protect yourself legally. I don't know what country you are in, but I don't think the job prospects are too good anywhere, so I wouldn't let ANYONE mess with my employment like they're threatening. Right now they aren't thinking too clearly, for it is they that need to be thinking of their young child in the home and not threatening you. Sorry for the way things turned out. I know it was coming from a good place.
turnstone Posted October 9, 2010 Posted October 9, 2010 HH, I'm not sure if you just missed my last post, it wasn't worth commenting on or you're ignoring me, but just incase - I sincerely hope that the BS is coming to you for exactly what she says, and there's no reason why she shouldn't be, but do advise your lawyer of the interaction between you two. I thinks its fantastic that you're prepared to answer her questions and I think you need to see how the communication develops and what she's like, before giving her any information that she's not asking for. Also, I feel that if you can remain factual and remove the emotion, it will help her to not only deal with it, but actually believe what you're saying. As I said before, she's known for a while that he's lying and without integrity, and you giving her the opportunity to get her answers and regain control of her life, is really wonderful.
Summer Breeze Posted October 9, 2010 Posted October 9, 2010 You have to remember hazyhead was trying to NOW put a stop to it but she was the ow for years and inserted herself in this woman's marriage. This is the infidelity forum. That can make for a lot of upset people when you advise the other woman to get a restraining order because the wife told her to watch her back. What do you expect a woman to say to the Long term mistress of her husband. "Oh thanks honey for telling me?" At that point the A had stopped and hubby had tried it on again. HH was not a mistress at that point in time. W spoke to her and had the choice to believe or not to believe but did not have the right to threaten. If she was so ignorant that she believed her H then that's her problem, not HHs.
Author Hazyhead Posted October 9, 2010 Author Posted October 9, 2010 (edited) Thank you, NiD. I think the legal action has given me the confidence to continue. It may be naive but I really do feel that because we both have evidence that could damage the other then I hope it'll just reach a stalemate... Even though he said he doesn't care what happens to him, I think he's not telling the truth (shocker). But I also feel that because I have only been honest, that's gotta count for something? And of course that I havent made any threats towards him. I know they have to protect their child and I do understand why the animosity. HH I'm so sorry for the way that things turned out. I would never have let him pre-empt me, but I totally understand why you did. I've been in this situation before and the outcome was similar, so I know the pain and confusion you are feeling. Especially after trying to trust him to do the right thing. Take care of yourself and definitely continue with your legal actions. If they are setting you up to look like Glenn Close, you are VERY correct to protect yourself legally. I don't know what country you are in, but I don't think the job prospects are too good anywhere, so I wouldn't let ANYONE mess with my employment like they're threatening. Right now they aren't thinking too clearly, for it is they that need to be thinking of their young child in the home and not threatening you. Sorry for the way things turned out. I know it was coming from a good place. Edited October 9, 2010 by Hazyhead
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