Desperate Need of Answers

[PhoenixRise]

Hazy

 

I am sorry that he got there first and that you ended up painted as the bad guy. YOU did the right thing. She is more inclined to believe him because she is invested there, with a new baby, and because he succeeded so thoroughly in minimizing the affair and painting you in a horrible light. He probaly told her that you won't let go of him and that you would be calling to try to sabotage their marriage

 

I hope for her sake that you planted a seed that will allow her to eventually see the truth.

 

I hope for your sake that MM will leave you alone so that you can move on from this mess.

[BB07]

Hazy as much as it hurts, you are now getting a better picture of his true colors. It will allow you to finally completely shut this door.

 

Hugs.......

[whichwayisup]

He did get there first, and you're right, Spark. I've just been screamed at down the phone by her and told to f*** off by him. I'm done. I tried and have come off the worst.

 

He didn't tell her the truth, I can tell by the way she spoke to me. I dunno, I don't think she wants to see my side. He isn't related to my work but I might do that, pre-empt it.

 

God.

 

Too bad you gave him time to talk to her.

 

Leave it alone. Right now she's chosen to believe him, there's nothing you can do or say to change her mind ... UNTIL she comes to you again in the future (and she will because she's not a stupid woman, once things calm down and he acts like a dickhead again, she'll call you and want to hear your side of things) and then you tell her what you want to, answer her questions.

 

She's reeling right now, he obviously threw you under the bus big time and he's pulled the wool over her eyes. Sorry she yelled at you, but in her position, she's messed up, emotional and pissed off thanks to what craplines he told her. She is hearing his truth/side of it, even though it's not the truth.

 

Try not to let this ruin you, k. You did your best, you reached out to her and she was willing to listen to you. He just got to her first, that's all.

[Fieldsofgold]

Look, he's FREAKING OUT because he knows the sh.it is about to hit the fan. Bullcrap is she about to have a nervous breakdown. He's trying to guilt you and do anything to make you not talk to her. Then he tells you he'll talk to her? Yeah right. He's going to minimize and deny, throw you under the bus, make it seem like you were threatening him and going to do a fatal attraction.

 

She called you back, how did she sound on the phone?

 

Talk to her, be honest and apologize for your part in the affair. Own your part in it and answer all that she needs to know. You opened the door by sending her the letter so now you owe her the truth.

 

I couldn't agree more!

[young&inlove]

I already gave you my two cents but I was keeping up with the post and I have to give you props for wanting to get honest with the wife. My hubs cheated on me with my best friend. Instead of her telling me, he did and she called him to see what he told me so she could go along with the story. I wish she would have talked about it with me. If she did I wouldnt still hate her for it. So good job.

[Dexter Morgan]

Just to clarify - he said they were over when they weren't, he was stringing us both along. Do I tell her he is blackmailing me?

 

first, without divulging too much info, just how can he blackmail you?

 

and if you know the nature of the blackmail, I'd take steps to defend yourself...maybe hire an attorney first before proceeding with contacting his wife.

[Dexter Morgan]

He has evidence that during the affair there were occasions when I was 'less than professional'. So.. yes. But then, that's my own doing.

 

ah, well can it stick? is the less than professional behavior something he was involved in as well?

 

still consult an attorney.

[Fieldsofgold]

. . . Leave it alone. Right now she's chosen to believe him, there's nothing you can do or say to change her mind ... UNTIL she comes to you again in the future (and she will because she's not a stupid woman, once things calm down and he acts like a dickhead again, she'll call you and want to hear your side of things) and then you tell her what you want to, answer her questions.

 

She's reeling right now, he obviously threw you under the bus big time and he's pulled the wool over her eyes. Sorry she yelled at you, but in her position, she's messed up, emotional and pissed off thanks to what craplines he told her. She is hearing his truth/side of it, even though it's not the truth.

 

Try not to let this ruin you, k. You did your best, you reached out to her and she was willing to listen to you. He just got to her first, that's all.

 

Totally agree with this and others. You did what was right. I'm very proud of you that you did not back down to this BULLY!!!! You can walk away with your head held high!

[pureinheart]

On the Other Man/Other woman board I posted my issue - I want to tell the bs the truth after the ws coming back to me six months after dday and finishing to work on his marriage, to mess me about and lie again. I sent his wife a letter and she rang me. She wants to know the truth but he is now blackmailing me and threatens to lose me my job. Now he's told me that she's collapsed at the worry. I have to phone her back later and I don't know what to do - I still think the truth is the right thing because she's in such pain and desperate to know. Talking to her was so hard and I cannot now lie after telling her in the letter that she doesn't have the truth.

 

What do I do? I told her in the letter I'd answer her questions.

 

Hi Hazy,

 

Just exactly how does he think he can accomplish this? In the US if someone tries to mess with your job, you can take them to court and win. ExDM's exW tried to mess with my job, little did she know that wouldn't have happened, and I could have actually gotten her fired had she tried...what a joke, don't believe him...nail this bastard to the wall:)

[oxfordsocks]

Well whatever has happened has happened i guess by now, but i thought i would add if not.

 

I contacted my MM wife the first time he tried to leave--i thought she didn't know anything--but she knew it all. I contacted her on facebook at first. Then 10 days later he said he had made wrong choice to stay in marriage and affair commenced again for almost another year. I got verbal confirmation by mm's wife in April of this year(so 9 months from my initial email to her upon his admission of affair and asking for a separation-and confirmation of that initial email back to me that he had told her everything). She had said she was trying to be happy but that i had really screwed up her husbands head. Geesh---She has said that she had had my phone number since October (which she saw a text from me) but never called it.MM had confirmed we had been "talking"

Circumstances had led me to call her and she asked why i had to drudge it all up again(i won't go into all of the why's right now)...however.

 

Circumstances led me to call her again in August of this year to now tell her that the affair had continued all this time from the initial D-Day(minus a whole 10 days post D-day).

Through out this day we talked a few tiimes--texted back and forth and then no contact.

 

I was so surprised that she did not have that many questions for me. I basically told her all my visits/trips with him and that we had spoke everyday for hours and hours. She said she loved him and would do anything to keep him and that if he "loved me so" why hadn't he left her by now. She said just a few days ago he left to go on a bike trip and he kissed her and said he loved her. I said great--i have a text from him this morning that says he loves me too--she asked me to send it which i did--along with other with all his loving comments and kisses.

 

I have had many friends say that the BS will say that everything is great etc even if things are not---etcc . I was shocked at how much she didn't ask me. If it was me I couls see having hours of conversation comparing notes so to speak on the last year. I mean how do you go from your husband admitting an affair--saying it ended--then a year later having mistress call and realizing that it never stopped. I certainly can not imagine telling the mistress on the phone --oh well I love him ---nope GIVE ME ALL THE DETAILS SO I CAN CONFRONT HIM WITH IT ALL.

 

and my mm wasn't even upset that i had called her--he was glad it was all now out in the open. (mm's reason for not leaving has been his daughter).

 

I know everyone is different --but you know what i was always up front with my MM and his wife--and my husband about everything. No one wins with all the lies--maybe wins isn't the right word--but let everyone make decisions with the truth. YEs MM's wife could have thought i was making up stuff-but i knew way too many details of her life--and her husbands not to have obviously been in touch.

 

I can't believe she had my number and never called when she found that text two months after he said he ended things with me. I guess i have no restraint. but i would have called just to ask anyway about the text--Like i said we are all different. Perhaps she didn't want to know"the truth" perhaps she really has lots of faith in her husband. I will never know what has happened as we are no longer in a relatinship as he has chose to stay there---I don't know what its like to be her right now.

 

I would want all the truth-I can honestly say i could see how "the other woman " and BS could be comrades at arms--because the real war should be with the husband --not the other woman

[turnstone]

I'm sorry you had to go through that HH.

 

I'm afraid I differ in thinking the BS will contact you again. She may well get to the stage of not needing any proof of her H's actions to know she needs to get out before she contacts you for the truth. In my own situation I had enough evidence that my exH was cheating to end our marriage, and I didn't need to know any details from his OW to clarify anything or establish exactly what had actually happened.

 

However, in the time-frame that I suspected something was badly, deeply wrong; but was facilitating between giving him one more chance and going for good, if one of the OW had contacted me and offered me the facts, with no emotion, it would have helped me make my mind up quicker and with far more surety. The power would have switched to me.

 

So, if you're thinking about writing the BS a letter in a few months time, I would encourage you to offer her your truth and to answer her questions. If you can do it without any emotion other than sorrow and with sincere regret for the pain she's had, I feel it would be of enormous benefit to her and help her reach the right conclusion sooner.

 

She's going to know her H is lying and is too frightened to admit it to herself at the moment. But deep down, she knows.

[Spark1111]

Hey Hazy?

 

You okay?

[Silly_Girl]

Sweetie, my phone doesn't always highlight new threads so I missed this. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I hope you have peace for yourself from here on in. Massive hugs.

[2sure]

I hate the idea of the MM laying all that his BS is near collapse since getting your letter. As if it were you that caused her the pain. That really pi55es me off.

[Hazyhead]

Hey all.

 

Firstly, thank you so much, all of you, for your help and advice. It really boosted my strength; you have no idea how invaluable you all are. I would reply individually, but it will probably make more sense (or as much sense as I can make) if I just splurt it all out.

 

So... xMM texted me last night with loads of abuse. The pair of them have me down as bunny boiler extraordinaire, Glenn Close got nothin' on me - he's twisted things amazingly. In his long and abusive text he told me that if I ever came near them again he'd destroy me. Like I need putting off! Also, his wife phoned just before his texts but I was at the gym and my phone was on silent. I didn't return her call - for all I knew it was just more threats and I didn't want to hear her screaming at me, coward though that may make me.

 

Today when I got in from work she started ringing again, so I rang back. Typically, having never happened before to me, she was ringing to return my call as I had rang her at lunchtime. Baffled, whilst she was on the phone, I checked my records and sure enough, her number. Obviously she didn't believe that my phone had rang her in my bag after me using it and not turning it off properly before throwing it in and accused me of mind games. We were only on the phone for a couple of minutes and just in that short time some of the 'truths' he had told her last night came out. Kind of like, if you take the things he did and put them at my doing... that would probably come close to summing it up. I corrected her despite his threats before she said 'Goodbye' plus some other choice phrases and hung up.

 

Worried about the threat I sent him a text to say what had happened and that I was contacting a lawyer, thanks to your advice (my friend is one so she'll set me up with someone in her firm) because of his threats and that I want no more part. A couple of texts came from him 'I've told her now... blah, blah, blah' but I repeated that I was done, he was full of crap and I didn't care. Haven't heard anything more so I do hope that's it (fat chance) but if there is any more from them I'm just going to pass it to a solicitor.

 

I really didn't foresee all this. He's a class A sh**head and I can't believe I ever loved him. Or, rather, who I thought he was.

Edited October 7, 2010 by Hazyhead

[PhoenixRise]

HH

 

I am glad you are contacting a lawyer to protect yourself. This "man" is a real piece of work and his wife is so gaslit she can't see straight. When you posted that he wanted time to tell BW himself I was afraid you would get painted as a bunny boiler if he got to the wife first. You have done the best you could with a crap situation.

 

Is there a way to block him from calling or texting you?

[Hazyhead]

Sweetie, my phone doesn't always highlight new threads so I missed this. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I hope you have peace for yourself from here on in. Massive hugs.

 

Thank you SG. I do think I'll now find peace and move forward. Hugs back.

[Hazyhead]

I hate the idea of the MM laying all that his BS is near collapse since getting your letter. As if it were you that caused her the pain. That really pi55es me off.

 

I hope for her sake that he was lying. It seems like he does little else. I do feel so bad for her, I know that sounds lame after everything, but I do. I wish she could see him for who he really is.

[Hazyhead]

HH

 

I am glad you are contacting a lawyer to protect yourself. This "man" is a real piece of work and his wife is so gaslit she can't see straight. When you posted that he wanted time to tell BW himself I was afraid you would get painted as a bunny boiler if he got to the wife first. You have done the best you could with a crap situation.

 

Is there a way to block him from calling or texting you?

 

I was going to try to block him on my phone, as I have on Facebook (and he me, the cheek! ), but with the threats I want to get any message he might want to send, just to anticipate things, and also collect more evidence if they come. If that makes sense! I will not be replying if he does.

[freestyle]

I almost wonder if maybe you should go to your local authorities and get a restraining order...........just for good measure.(even if you're not really worried about being threatened physically---I wonder if it might protect you legally)

 

Then you'll have documentation of his harassment on record, and it may deter him from bothering you anymore.

 

Also, it may protect you from false accusations that he could levy at you.

[Hazyhead]

I almost wonder if maybe you should go to your local authorities and get a restraining order...........just for good measure.(even if you're not really worried about being threatened physically---I wonder if it might protect you legally)

 

Then you'll have documentation of his harassment on record, and it may deter him from bothering you anymore.

 

Also, it may protect you from false accusations that he could levy at you.

 

That's a good idea. It's where I'll go next if there's a hint at any more. Bizarrely, I'm worried about his wife too, that they might team up and do it. She did say I'd better watch my back.

 

Thanks Freestyle

[freestyle]

That's a good idea. It's where I'll go next if there's a hint at any more. Bizarrely, I'm worried about his wife too, that they might team up and do it. She did say I'd better watch my back.

 

Thanks Freestyle

 

 

If she actually said that to you--go today...........She's probably just blowing smoke, but it's better to have documentation on your side.

 

 

From what I've read, the first one to go to the cops in a situation like this, is the most likely to be believed, should it turn into a he said/shesaid type scenario.

 

Show them text messages, or let them hear voice mails, if you haven't erased them already.

 

I'm sorry it turned out this way----you did try to do the right thing.

 

With a RO in place, I think you can safely put them both in your rearview mirror.........fading into the distance.

[greengoddess]

Hazyhead I know you are hurt too but don't you think this woman has been through enough for the time being? Please don't call the cops on her. She is home with a young child she is not going to come after you.

 

Also how will you feel going to the police saying oh I had an affair with this woman's husband and now she is threatening me? This woman is reacting to a threat to her family. YOU. How would you react if someone threatened your family?

[freestyle]

I'm more concerned that the MM has threatened her job, and that they're both harassing her with calls.

 

I'm also concerned that they might bring false harassment charges against HH, and try to set her up, out of spite.If she's already made a report, that might prevent that from happening.

 

I wouldn't want to see anyone go to jail---I don't think HH does either, I just think she should make a report, to have official documentation.

[PortuguesePrincess80]

Hazyhead I know you are hurt too but don't you think this woman has been through enough for the time being? Please don't call the cops on her. She is home with a young child she is not going to come after you.

 

Also how will you feel going to the police saying oh I had an affair with this woman's husband and now she is threatening me? This woman is reacting to a threat to her family. YOU. How would you react if someone threatened your family?

 

I completely agree with this. Of course she's gonna say you better watch your back..I said the same thing. You knew what you were getting involved with..why is it now that you see the light? He lied to his wife this whole time..didn;t leave her like he let you believe all this time...sure it hurts..but seriously..just put your feelings aside for a minute..and put yourself in her shoes!