Hazyhead Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 On the Other Man/Other woman board I posted my issue - I want to tell the bs the truth after the ws coming back to me six months after dday and finishing to work on his marriage, to mess me about and lie again. I sent his wife a letter and she rang me. She wants to know the truth but he is now blackmailing me and threatens to lose me my job. Now he's told me that she's collapsed at the worry. I have to phone her back later and I don't know what to do - I still think the truth is the right thing because she's in such pain and desperate to know. Talking to her was so hard and I cannot now lie after telling her in the letter that she doesn't have the truth. What do I do? I told her in the letter I'd answer her questions.
Author Hazyhead Posted October 6, 2010 Author Posted October 6, 2010 Just to clarify - he said they were over when they weren't, he was stringing us both along. Do I tell her he is blackmailing me? Sorry this is rushed but she could ring at any sec.
desertIslandCactus Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 Hazy, I think you've opened the door .. She deserves for you to proceed. Am so sorry - I don't know the background: Does he have the power at your job - to cause you grief .. or to loose it.
Author Hazyhead Posted October 6, 2010 Author Posted October 6, 2010 Hazy, I think you've opened the door .. She deserves for you to proceed. Am so sorry - I don't know the background: Does he have the power at your job - to cause you grief .. or to loose it. Thank you. He's pretty much just told me that she'll have a nervous breakdown if I do and that will all be my fault. He does have the power to cause me grief but that's my own doing. I've told him to do whatever he needs to do - I won't be influenced by his bullying. Probably just angered him more.
desertIslandCactus Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 Thank you. He's pretty much just told me that she'll have a nervous breakdown if I do and that will all be my fault. He does have the power to cause me grief but that's my own doing. I've told him to do whatever he needs to do - I won't be influenced by his bullying. Probably just angered him more. If she wants answers, then she deserves them. Can he cause you to loose your job, does he have influence?
Author Hazyhead Posted October 6, 2010 Author Posted October 6, 2010 If she wants answers, then she deserves them. Can he cause you to loose your job, does he have influence? He has evidence that during the affair there were occasions when I was 'less than professional'. So.. yes. But then, that's my own doing.
young&inlove Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 Put yourself in her shoes. So you get a letter from a random woman saying she had been having an A with your hubs. She says that she will give you answers if you want them. Would you want them? Yes. I needed to know everything from my H A. You helped him cheat, maybe not on purpose but she deserves answers. Let him get what’s coming to him. That’s why he is blackmailing you. He doesn’t want her to leave or for a number of other reasons. Do the right thing. That’s my opinion.
desertIslandCactus Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 He has evidence that during the affair there were occasions when I was 'less than professional'. So.. yes. But then, that's my own doing. You seem prepared. So I guess she is to call you. I would go for it, and answer her questions .. Being in search of righteousness, is a good thing.
Author Hazyhead Posted October 6, 2010 Author Posted October 6, 2010 Put yourself in her shoes. So you get a letter from a random woman saying she had been having an A with your hubs. She says that she will give you answers if you want them. Would you want them? Yes. I needed to know everything from my H A. You helped him cheat, maybe not on purpose but she deserves answers. Let him get what’s coming to him. That’s why he is blackmailing you. He doesn’t want her to leave or for a number of other reasons. Do the right thing. That’s my opinion. Thanks. That's how I would feel too - I would want to know that I was being lied to. I know he loves her and wants her back but the to-ing and fro-ing and lying he's done has just hurt everybody more and I believe he'll do so indefinitely.
Author Hazyhead Posted October 6, 2010 Author Posted October 6, 2010 Okay - so he's just messaged me to say he'll do it himself. He has given me a time when he'll be back and able to. I have to give him that opportunity, right? Plus, it'll be better coming from him. I think.
desertIslandCactus Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 Okay - so he's just messaged me to say he'll do it himself. He has given me a time when he'll be back and able to. I have to give him that opportunity, right? Plus, it'll be better coming from him. I think. Yes he can tell her that you contacted him.. Isn't that what they do? (at least from what I've read on here) .. If she has your contact info .. the ball is still in her court to call you - if she wants the rest of the story. At least you've scared him enough to leave you the h alone. And he can't be madd at you if she still contacts you, after he tries to smooth things over.
whichwayisup Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 Look, he's FREAKING OUT because he knows the sh.it is about to hit the fan. Bullcrap is she about to have a nervous breakdown. He's trying to guilt you and do anything to make you not talk to her. Then he tells you he'll talk to her? Yeah right. He's going to minimize and deny, throw you under the bus, make it seem like you were threatening him and going to do a fatal attraction. She called you back, how did she sound on the phone? Talk to her, be honest and apologize for your part in the affair. Own your part in it and answer all that she needs to know. You opened the door by sending her the letter so now you owe her the truth.
Author Hazyhead Posted October 6, 2010 Author Posted October 6, 2010 Yes he can tell her that you contacted him.. Isn't that what they do? (at least from what I've read on here) .. If she has your contact info .. the ball is still in her court to call you - if she wants the rest of the story. At least you've scared him enough to leave you the h alone. And he can't be madd at you if she still contacts you, after he tries to smooth things over. I know he'll still lie some (some of the things she said to me over the brief couple of minuted I spoke to her indicated I'd been fully slated). He passes blame on to others - that's what he does. I'll be here if she wants to clarify anything. Or, maybe he'll tell the truth!
Author Hazyhead Posted October 6, 2010 Author Posted October 6, 2010 Look, he's FREAKING OUT because he knows the sh.it is about to hit the fan. Bullcrap is she about to have a nervous breakdown. He's trying to guilt you and do anything to make you not talk to her. Then he tells you he'll talk to her? Yeah right. He's going to minimize and deny, throw you under the bus, make it seem like you were threatening him and going to do a fatal attraction. She called you back, how did she sound on the phone? Talk to her, be honest and apologize for your part in the affair. Own your part in it and answer all that she needs to know. You opened the door by sending her the letter so now you owe her the truth. Actually, yes, I said I'd phone her back, so I will. I will give him the opportunity to come clean, for her sake not his. He's already tried the Fatal Attraction and when she started throwing that to me on the phone I couldn't believe it... it kinda upset me though I should have expected it. I then said I would call her back and really wasn't fobbing her off. If he still makes it out like that, then I will put the record straight, answering anything. I've really given it back to him tonight! Quite proud of myself!
BB07 Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 Hazy, I do not think for one minute he will tell the truth, he will continue to try to cover his own ass. If she doesn't call you today......she will call you. I bet she is sick of it and wants the truth, no matter how bad it is. He is a real POS!
Author Hazyhead Posted October 6, 2010 Author Posted October 6, 2010 Hazy, I do not think for one minute he will tell the truth, he will continue to try to cover his own ass. If she doesn't call you today......she will call you. I bet she is sick of it and wants the truth, no matter how bad it is. He is a real POS! If he doesn't, BB, I will. You're right - he is a POS, and I'm only just really, truly seeing that now!
hopeless4u Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 On the Other Man/Other woman board I posted my issue - I want to tell the bs the truth after the ws coming back to me six months after dday and finishing to work on his marriage, to mess me about and lie again. I sent his wife a letter and she rang me. She wants to know the truth but he is now blackmailing me and threatens to lose me my job. Now he's told me that she's collapsed at the worry. I have to phone her back later and I don't know what to do - I still think the truth is the right thing because she's in such pain and desperate to know. Talking to her was so hard and I cannot now lie after telling her in the letter that she doesn't have the truth. What do I do? I told her in the letter I'd answer her questions. Hey hun, not been around for a while but i wanted to say....My xMM told me his W had taken an OD if you remember and from what he said to me when he got back in touch I think he had told her I said it out of venom so don't fall for his BS. xMM's W told me 'I' was the only one who had told her the truth and this much I know is true.... You know where I am if you need to talk hun xx
Spark1111 Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 If he doesn't, BB, I will. You're right - he is a POS, and I'm only just really, truly seeing that now! Stay calm....and do the right thing! Tell her the truth. Answer her questions, whatever she asks. Ask her if what he has told you about her is true. Tell her he has messaged you today that he intends to tell her the truth. But I would get my version out there first ,and quickly and calmly. As for the losing your job threat, well.... Wouldn't that cast him in a worse light than you? If he goes that route (what a coward to intimidate you with that nonsense) you can always go to HR and tell them first. My husband did. His preemptive strike was to go to his superiors and tell them he had betrayed his family. No particulars, no names.... And they commended him on his honesty.
Spark1111 Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 Actually, yes, I said I'd phone her back, so I will. I will give him the opportunity to come clean, for her sake not his. He's already tried the Fatal Attraction and when she started throwing that to me on the phone I couldn't believe it... it kinda upset me though I should have expected it. I then said I would call her back and really wasn't fobbing her off. If he still makes it out like that, then I will put the record straight, answering anything. I've really given it back to him tonight! Quite proud of myself! You should be. I would call her back now. Before he throws you under the bus. Then she can see what he has to say, if it jives with your version of events. Whoever gets to her first, will get the benefit of the doubt, IMHO. He will claim it is you who have been contacting HIM, trust me on this....and he did whatever he had to do to get you to stop calling.... Guaranteed. You will be painted as a stalking, unstable (ha!) couldn't let go, it was nothing, she was obssessed with me kind a gal.... Call first HH. Call now.
PhoenixRise Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 HH There is no way in hell this man is going to tell BW the truth. It is not going to happen. If you are going to talk to her, do it BEFORE he does and offer her your proof. Is this man a superior to you at work? Could he be vulnerable to a sexual harassment charge? He is a bully and I am glad you are standing up to him. Can you do as Spark suggested and tell HR what is going on to preemptively protect your job?
Author Hazyhead Posted October 6, 2010 Author Posted October 6, 2010 Hey hun, not been around for a while but i wanted to say....My xMM told me his W had taken an OD if you remember and from what he said to me when he got back in touch I think he had told her I said it out of venom so don't fall for his BS. xMM's W told me 'I' was the only one who had told her the truth and this much I know is true.... You know where I am if you need to talk hun xx Thank you. I'm feeling pretty cr@ppy right now, but I hope you're ok. Will write more when I can bear to type... xxx
Author Hazyhead Posted October 6, 2010 Author Posted October 6, 2010 You should be. I would call her back now. Before he throws you under the bus. Then she can see what he has to say, if it jives with your version of events. Whoever gets to her first, will get the benefit of the doubt, IMHO. He will claim it is you who have been contacting HIM, trust me on this....and he did whatever he had to do to get you to stop calling.... Guaranteed. You will be painted as a stalking, unstable (ha!) couldn't let go, it was nothing, she was obssessed with me kind a gal.... Call first HH. Call now. He did get there first, and you're right, Spark. I've just been screamed at down the phone by her and told to f*** off by him. I'm done. I tried and have come off the worst. HH There is no way in hell this man is going to tell BW the truth. It is not going to happen. If you are going to talk to her, do it BEFORE he does and offer her your proof. Is this man a superior to you at work? Could he be vulnerable to a sexual harassment charge? He is a bully and I am glad you are standing up to him. Can you do as Spark suggested and tell HR what is going on to preemptively protect your job? He didn't tell her the truth, I can tell by the way she spoke to me. I dunno, I don't think she wants to see my side. He isn't related to my work but I might do that, pre-empt it. God.
desertIslandCactus Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 I'm not unhappy that he arrived first. She chose to believe him out of survival .. or whatever. YOU Offered the truth... That's All you're responsible for .. Also, there's a possibility that as time goes on, she may start thinking about it and contact you ...
BB07 Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 Oh Hazy.....I'm so sorry! Damn him......that lying POS!!!!! I think she may call you back when she has calmed down. I get how you feel......you tried to do the right thing and it got thrown back at you.
hopeless4u Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 He did get there first, and you're right, Spark. I've just been screamed at down the phone by her and told to f*** off by him. I'm done. I tried and have come off the worst. He didn't tell her the truth, I can tell by the way she spoke to me. I dunno, I don't think she wants to see my side. He isn't related to my work but I might do that, pre-empt it. God. Babe, it doesn't matter what you tell her she won't have any of it, same with my xMM's W, she asked me, told me I was the only one who told the truth then believed his lies....leave it at that I say. You have done your bit, if she rings you again just ignore her, I wish I had! xxx
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