Is he passive aggressive or I am going mad?

[the-parrotfish]

I'm in desperate need of some advice. A history of 'bad' men has left me firghtened to trust. I met this guy a year ago, a chance meeting where we spent the entire night laughing. We exchanged phone numbers and nothing more. After a week, I dropped him a text, we texted back and forth nearly everyday for 2 months (we both lived in different cities). After 2 moths we met up, he came to my home town and spent the weekend, he came the next weekend and the next by the third weekend he told me he was in love with me and I was the one. (as we had been texting for 2 months, I didn't think anything of this as we had built up a relationship) He sent me flowers and little presents and took me out for dinners. I me this family and he met mine and everyone liked eachother, it was perfect, compared to my ex this guy was amazing, everything I could want in a man and more. The only thing was he was rather possessive and became quite full on. I was more prone to taking things slower as I had been hurt in the past, my last boyfriend was physically abusive. This guy wanted to marry me after 3 months but I laughed it off, it was way too soon, although i had started to love him. One day, when i was out, he read my diary and finnished with me over something he read in it about being with another man before I met him.

 

I asccepted it was over as I was angry he read my diary, he sent me flowers to work and said he didn't want to lose me. A couple of weeks later he read my dairy again and checked my text messages. My trust was broken and I necame angry because he interrogated me about things in my past constantly. He never called me names or shouted but he made it quite apparent to me that he thought i was a mans woman and that he did not apporve of the way oin which i led my life. My gut told me to finnish with him but my heart did not agree. As time went on he dug up more and more of my past to the point he told me he didn't knw who I was anymore, he alienated my friends, falling out with my best friend who he had become close to. My sister and him had a great relstionship but that fizzled out.

 

From what I have just written you would be forgiven for asking 'why did you stay with him?' I blamed myself for everything, he told me everyday how wonderful I was but how I needed to get help for my agression issues, the truth was i was aggressive extermely so but only around him. I felt he was pushing my buttons but he wasn't doing anything so I blamed myself.

 

He was supposed to come to Asia with me to meet my family, it had been booked for a while and my father had gone to alot of expense. I got an e-mail from him at work one day telling me it was over. He wouldn't discuss it with me, I went crazy, he wrote me a 5 page document about why he hates me ( most of which was absurd) and then he ignored me for 2 weeks and then wrote me a 5 page letter telling me he loved me but he couldn't carry on as I need professional help for my anger issues. I wrote him an e-mail as he wouldn't accept my calls trying to explain to him that he was angry with me over issues in the past and I had given him valid reasons for all of it and it was making me upset and annoyed that he couldn't move on.

 

The more he ignored me the more desperate i became the more I begged and pleaded and the more I questioned myself. I had a good relationship with his mother and I tried to speak to her about what was going on but she was told by him to ignore me along with his sister. Finally they got in touch and both said i was lovely and they both truly cared about me and would like to remain in touch. I then got an e-mail form him saying we needed time apart, he needed time to heal and I needed time to deal with my issues, that he loved me and we would meet up agian in the future. I then got an e-mail telling me he wanted nothing to do with me and qoting something form an e-mail I had sent my friend. He had hacked into my e-mail account! I went ballistic as I was trying to hold the relationship together and he was destroying it. He changed his mobile number and told his friends and family it was because I abused him, as they all think he is such a lovely guy, I got a mouthful from them. How could I trea thim this way after all he had done for me, I had broken his heart and he was better off without me, they had all thought I was lovely but I really folled them'.

 

After pleading with him to come to Asis as I thought it would be good for him, I went to Asia by myself even thought he was meant to come and we had a wedding to attend together. The day I was leaving he called me 6 times and gave me his new mobile number telling me that I could contact him anytime I wanted when I was away. I broke contact for 3 weeks. I noticed on facebook that his friends were posting pictures of him having a great time on a road trip, so my sister posted some photos of me having a great time withmy family....hmmm joys of facebook! When i returned I e-mailed him, i got no response, I tried a couple of times since my return but he won't return my e-mails. One of his friends said I had emotionally abuse him by going to Asia without him and not bothering to get in tuch while I was away. She said you never apologised for anything you did to him. Truth is I apologised all the time for everything, he never apologised to me, not once. I asked him to set me free, to tell me straight it was over so I could move on, I got nothing.

 

I can not understand what happened, where did our relationship go so bad, i thought he was the one for me but I can't believe how he has behaved for a nice guy, he has been awful. My only answer is I must be a really wicked person to have someone so nice treat me this way.

Edited October 6, 2010 by the-parrotfish

[EnigmasMuse]

You both sound kind of toxic towards one another. Sometimes things can be blessings in disguise if it didn't work out. Now might be one of those times.

[JackJack]

Do a google search for passive/aggressive behavior, maybe it can help you see if he fits the bill for being that way. Regardless of whether he is or not though, it comes across as a not so good situation. You might just be better off.

[freestyle]

I see a lot of red flags for abuse in his behavior towards you.

 

Passive-aggressive? I'm not sure---the push-pull behaviors he exhibited towards you (Go away-come back, I love you, go away, come back, etc....)

are more associated with Borderline Personality Disorder. (which does include some P/A behaviors.)

 

What concerns me on your behalf is that you were in an abusive relationship before you met this guy, and then he started showing signs of being emotionally abusive...that tells me you should take some time to look closely at yourself, to understand why you get attracted to abusive people.

 

If you can gain insight into yourself, you can avoid getting hooked in again.

 

By the way, it's not always the case, but often times abusive people want to get married right away, to get you hooked in before their true nature comes to the surface--before the mask slips.Anyone who tries to rush you against your will is not respecting your point of view.

 

There's a wealth of info on abuse and personality disorders if you do a Google search.

 

I wish you my best.