EnigmasMuse Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 Ok this is for a friend of mine's situation. We talked on the phone last night and I knew her and her husband had been having issues for some time now. She tells me something she has come to conclusion about is, her husband has no coping skills, no communications skills, and it seems no real relationship or parenting skills. They have been married for 12 years with two kids. She has suggested MC for them both but he wont go. He doesn't like any kind of confrontation and doesn't like for anyone to tell him something he may or may not be doing etc. She is planning on going for some IC for herself this week. Over the course of their marriage she really never knew what was wrong or why things were the way they are. He acts in a passive aggressive manner most of the time. His parents who remained married despite the fact they had a very rocky and unhealthy marriage, were his role models. Maybe that's why he is the way he is. However as an adult he has the choice to get help and to change some things. I think that is what bothers her, because he wont. His mother was wrapped up in his dads where abouts and who he was running around with most of the marriage. She was bitter and hurt and I guess felt the need to critisize him and his sister for just about everything. He watched his father shut down if his mother said something he didn't want to hear. His father CHOSE to work all of the time, not that he had to work like he did but because he didn't want to be home. So he was a father that was pretty much MIA alot. His mother would turn the other cheek when his dad cheated. His dad would drink to cope or not cope with whatever issues were at hand. His mother would sweep most all issues under the rug and pretend they didn't exsist. He would see his parents mostly ignore each other and give one another the silent treatment, if they were mad or hurt. She didn't say for sure, but she feels its possible they gave him the silent treatment as well, because they were not able to be there for him because they were caught up in their own hurt and anger. Now here its years later and my friend says this is exactly how her husband operates. She can not say anything at all, no matter what it is or the tone without him thinking its a personal attack, so there fore he goes into silent mode. Wont talk to her for a day or so. He never interacts with the kids much. If she tries to discuss anything with him, he just withdrawals. He has had a drinking problem over the years, because thats the way he chose to deal with whatever curves life would throw at him. She is at her wits end and doesn't know what else to do. Other than try therapy for herself. She told me she feels like its a no win situation, and that when he was old enough to leave the nest, he left with no skills for much of any kind of relationship. It hurts her that he wont even try to make an effort. She feels like she gets punished by him because of what was done to him. She also said she has never seen someone so detached. He is there in body mostly. She's not saying he never does anything, she is just saying when it comes to certain things or issues, he doesn't know how to cope or handle things at all. So what do you do, when there is someone you love that pretty much doesn't have these skills and they don't seem to want any kind of help?
JackJack Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 Not alot she can do, unless she is willing to keep staying in hope things will change and he will at some point make an effort. Or she could end it. Might seem like an odd thing to end over, but if only one person is trying and the other knows they should but doesn't, then doesn't leave her with alot of choices. No skills is not a good thing. How does he even make decisions?
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