charlesstanford Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 About 18 months ago I left my wife for somebody else. Please don't judge me for that bit. Our life had some wonderful moments (and three wonderful children) but had become stale. Long story short, I was swept off my feet (am 34, male) by a wonderful person and we, too, have had wonderful times. BUT - all is not well. It just doesn't feel quite right. My new relationship has spectacular aspects but serious holes and so on. My old relationship didn't have those but lacks the good bits. Am so confused - am beginning to wonder what I have done??? Am separated (not quite divorced) from my ex. Please help - any thoughts appreciated!
Fouts Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 No one relationship is going to be perfect in every aspect. You have to figure out what's important to you in your life and find the best fit for that. It sounds like you fell victim to the excitement of something new, which really wasn't so exciting after all. No one woman is going to be everything, if you have to find someone who fills the most things that you're looking for in a partner.
What_Next Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 The grass isn't always greener my friend. You are a walk away spouse. I have no sympathy for you.
yessy21 Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 its not right because thats not who u really love. u think u do. but u dont. if it was stale u should have made it exciting. spontaneous trips. roses in the bed. toys. dress up. dinner alone unexpected. that is what keeps a marriage alive. Fouts is right u just fell for the excitment for something new. I think u made a mistake.
2.50 a gallon Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 I know it was 30 years ago when I took my vows, but I assume "forsaking all others" is still one of them Yes, a big mistake, and perhaps as humpty dumpty, one that is unfixable and you will regret for a long time.
PhoenixLady Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 its not right because thats not who u really love. u think u do. but u dont. if it was stale u should have made it exciting. spontaneous trips. roses in the bed. toys. dress up. dinner alone unexpected. that is what keeps a marriage alive. Fouts is right u just fell for the excitment for something new. I think u made a mistake. I know it was 30 years ago when I took my vows, but I assume "forsaking all others" is still one of them Yes, a big mistake, and perhaps as humpty dumpty, one that is unfixable and you will regret for a long time. I agree with these two posts. So how long were you married before you left? Let me guess...6 or 7 years? I really believe there is such a thing as a 7 year itch that occurs between the 5 and 7 year mark. Marriage is constantly evolving and changing. You never gave it a real shot if you bailed the minute you got a little bored. That's sad since you have kids. Is it really too late to fix it? Can you "date" your wife?
yessy21 Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 i think he might be able to fix it. doing exactly that dating his wife. but he needs to show her that he wont give up. Unless she has a lot of pride. but dont leave one to go to another. cause then that will just show her that ull do it again. leave one. be alone. then after a week or two of alone time. u ask her for lunch or dinner and u tell her why u broke it off. at least u would be honest and she will appreciate that.
PhoenixLady Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 i think he might be able to fix it. doing exactly that dating his wife. but he needs to show her that he wont give up. Unless she has a lot of pride. but dont leave one to go to another. cause then that will just show her that ull do it again. leave one. be alone. then after a week or two of alone time. u ask her for lunch or dinner and u tell her why u broke it off. at least u would be honest and she will appreciate that. Yes, I agree. Or maybe write her a heartfelt letter. I've always wondered why people are so quick to leave marriages when a little of the "excitement" goes out the window. I mean eventually the same thing will happen with whoever you're with if you don't actively try to keep it alive. Besides, usually all you're doing is changing one set of "baggage" so to speak, for another. And more often than not, the baggage you end up with is waaayyy heavier than what you had in the first place.
PhoenixLady Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 Also, I would bet Charles married when he was under 30. Big mistake. This is what happens. It's only later in life that you learn this lesson usually.
carhill Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 1. Confused? Sort it out in IC. 2. If you want to remain married, end affair, disclose, begin MC and prioritize M. Accept that you have no control over how your W feels and the actions she may take. 3. If you want to divorce, do that. No 'separations'. File for divorce this week. The courthouse is open every business day. Been there myself. Get it done. Clarify and act. Every minute you waste is a minute less of healthy life to live. You only have so many minutes and they could be up tomorrow. You never know. Welcome to LS
whichwayisup Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 About 18 months ago I left my wife for somebody else. Please don't judge me for that bit. Our life had some wonderful moments (and three wonderful children) but had become stale. Long story short, I was swept off my feet (am 34, male) by a wonderful person and we, too, have had wonderful times. BUT - all is not well. It just doesn't feel quite right. My new relationship has spectacular aspects but serious holes and so on. My old relationship didn't have those but lacks the good bits. Am so confused - am beginning to wonder what I have done??? Am separated (not quite divorced) from my ex. Please help - any thoughts appreciated! Grass is greener syndrome eh? So, you left your wife and 3 kids because your marriage was stale. You left without giving your wife a chance, without trying to reconnect with her, or going to marriage counselling. Sorry, you gave up a family unit as a whole for someone else. Your whole life for someone else, who now isn't meeting up to the intensity the affair once brought to you, know why? Because reality is hitting you in the face. The OW isn't your wife. The OW isn't the woman who knows you, good and bad. The OW doesn't have the history with you, or inlaws, extended family and friends, neighbours, a life with you. To be blunt, you screwed up my friend. You are suffering the consquences of your choices and maybe having regret. What now? Dump the OW and run back to your wife? Dump OW and be alone, get to therapy and sort yourself out? Stay with the OW and try to woo your wife back, then dump OW? Start by getting to counselling.
yessy21 Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 counseling is good. but i still think he might be able to try. depends on his wife though. what if she moved on? if she met someone that she knows wont treat her that way. man. theres so many things to look at here.
abe1927 Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 Which one do you LIKE better? I'm 55 and have been around the block a couple of times. The the best advice I've heard is: "Marry someone you like to talk to." Everything else fades. In 15 yrs, can you picture sitting across the table from #1 and discussing things? If so, hold on to her. If not, maybe she wasn't the choice for you. Stick with the one with whom your MIND connects. In the end, that turns out to be most important.
PhoenixLady Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 Which one do you LIKE better? I'm 55 and have been around the block a couple of times. The the best advice I've heard is: "Marry someone you like to talk to." Everything else fades. In 15 yrs, can you picture sitting across the table from #1 and discussing things? If so, hold on to her. If not, maybe she wasn't the choice for you. Stick with the one with whom your MIND connects. In the end, that turns out to be most important. SOOOOO true. Attraction doesn't hurt either though.
habs53 Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 The grass isn't always greener my friend. You are a walk away spouse. I have no sympathy for you. I would have to agree. Broke up a marriage and ruined his family because it was getting boring. For the love of god what is wrong with this world. Shame on all of you run away people.
You Go Girl Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 A year and a half is the typical come back down to earth from the high of new lust syndrome. Sometimes quicker, sometimes longer. You're right in the average area. So now, reality. Feet landing back on the ground? What do you do? You're in a messy place. Your marriage became sexually lackluster, but didn't suffer from serious intellectual or spiritual voids, but this new sexy relationship now does? The wise choice is to go back to your W if she will have you. Why? Because the sex always fades to something grounded too, hence why so many go chasing after butterflies. But you'll still have the intellectual connection, and with the new woman, you will end up with neither, right? Because the sex is guarantteed to become normal/average whatever you want to call it, in the new relationship too. That's the logical answer. Two other people are involved in this though, and they are wild cards. You will be able to control neither.
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