dumbchick Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 At xmas I found out my partner was having an EA for 7 yrs. I do believe him that it didn't go any further. I was totally devastated and my health suffered big time. I never told anyone except a councellor. I have finished that now but still suffer terrible bouts of anxiety. To cut a long story short as many will have been there, we decided to make us work. In many ways life is a lot better, with us really talking and doing things together. Our sex life is fantastic, and I have real hope for the future. What I have worked out from councelling is it is so hard for me to get over what happened because he never finished it. I did. By txt. Telling her not to bother getting in touch again as He was changing his no, that it was over. I pretended to be him. I know she hasn't because I still have old sim card and check it all the time. Nothing. I think my anxiety and fear is that HE didn't finish it and because of that he didn't burn his bridges with her.It started when he was working away from home so I have never seen her and he has not seen her since last year. Has anybody else had this feelings? And am I just punishing myself
Fouts Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 It's hard to say. After that long, if it didn't get physical, it likely never would have or will. It was probably convenient, fun and an outlet. It's gone now, but he can get along without it. Don't let it cripple you, try to fill the void he sought with the EA. Usually it's emotional and/or physical intimacy.
Author dumbchick Posted October 6, 2010 Author Posted October 6, 2010 Cheers. Thanks for that. I also found another thread right after I posted in which some say it doesn't matter who does it cos it should be done with other persons approval (which it was). He just didn't know what to say , cos he'd tried to tell her it was over by phone but the txts kept coming. I was so angry I grabbed his phone and just sent a very short txt as I'd said earlier. I felt it was a very apt way to end it cos it was mainly by text they had EA. I know she wanted more from him from the texts I'd found but he was afraid that if he was too blunt with her she was going to cause a whole lot more trouble. I know I will never know all the details of it, and because he has broken the trust I had, even if he tells me the absolute truth I would doubt it. 9 months on I still have very dark days when I could smash everything in sight and still cry buckets but he is trying very hard to make things right between us, but I know we are worth working at and believe me it is hard work. I am so dreading this xmas as it will bring it all back again. I try to think of all the positives now and long for the time I wont think on it daily. Its a long long road !!!
HappyAtLast Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 Cheers. Thanks for that. I also found another thread right after I posted in which some say it doesn't matter who does it cos it should be done with other persons approval (which it was). He just didn't know what to say , cos he'd tried to tell her it was over by phone but the txts kept coming. I was so angry I grabbed his phone and just sent a very short txt as I'd said earlier. I felt it was a very apt way to end it cos it was mainly by text they had EA. I know she wanted more from him from the texts I'd found but he was afraid that if he was too blunt with her she was going to cause a whole lot more trouble. I know I will never know all the details of it, and because he has broken the trust I had, even if he tells me the absolute truth I would doubt it. 9 months on I still have very dark days when I could smash everything in sight and still cry buckets but he is trying very hard to make things right between us, but I know we are worth working at and believe me it is hard work. I am so dreading this xmas as it will bring it all back again. I try to think of all the positives now and long for the time I wont think on it daily. Its a long long road !!! I am sorry that you are going through this. Why do you suppose your attempt to end things with one text worked when all of his phone calls did not?
2sure Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 I get what you are saying about YOU finished it , not him. But think about that a moment. How did you finish it? You texted her as him. So, she thinks he broke up a 7 year relationship with a single text (or 2). AND she was not surprised into questioning that AND she never contacted him again. Pretty easily given up on both sides wouldnt you say? Despite the length of the relationship it does not sound like either was so emotionally invested that they were willing to have even another conversation. But I know what you want. You wanted him to say these words to her: I love my GF so much. She is important to me and you never were. I cant believe I hurt her over someone like you. We all do. But you dont need that to happen. It already did. He never felt that after all that time she was owed even so much as an explanation as to his disappearance. And she apparently didnt believe she deserved one. She is out of the picture. Dont bring her back in. Dont make her the issue. It was the act of betrayal you need to forgive him for or understand and move on from. Not her.
Author dumbchick Posted October 8, 2010 Author Posted October 8, 2010 Thanks for all the replies. Different perspectives are a great help. Don't know why she didn't attempt to try again. Maybe she knew he was not going to leave me or why didn't he do it long ago. I believe she wanted me to find out and was trying to force his hand. Why else text on xmas day when she knew he was with me? cos after he phoned her to tell her it had to stop, the texts kept coming, even tho he was denying that to me. He was careless and had forgot to delete them. The ones I saw from him to her were of a general nature, work weather etc -no xxx's even, but the ones from her were how much she loved and wanted him. That was when I text her and just said - It's over. Don't text me again. Getting new sim card tomorrow. And that's what we did. I was very surprised she didn't. I kept the old sim and still check it occassionly-just in case- he thinks I destroyed it. Anyone that she knew, I deleted their nos from his phone and they did not get his new no. I hate her with a vengeance and would love to hurt her like I've been hurt. Went into shock. Lost 2 1/2 stones in 2 months (bonus) and went through what most others have. I would dearly love to text her on xmas day to let her know how good my life is now and how close we are again, just to rub her nose in it, cos she moved in on him when he was vunerable, lonely and depressed, so yes she would have been fun, and NO I am not making excuses for him, but I don't know yet if I will. And yes it is the betrayal, loss of trust and deceit that is the hardest thing to get over.
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