CantThinkOfWittyName Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 Dated this girl for about 2 months unofficially and 1 month officially. First real relationship I've had (I was 21 then btw). Out of the blue while we were on Thxgiving break she said that she wanted to break up with me, that she didn't want to "commit" after watching her friend be abused by her friend's boyfriend. (There was a big drama involving her roommate/best-friend where the roommate's fiance left her to sleep with another woman -- they later reconciled and got married, although I think that she just basically became his slave, but that's a different story) Anyways, I'm not that guy and I think it was rather unfair of her to judge me based on some other douchebag's actions but she wouldn't hear any of it and still wanted to dump me. Being my first relationship and thus break-up, after we broke up I did basically all the wrong things (kept calling and texting her telling her how much I love her -- definitely just hurt myself more and more). Somehow, even through all my neediness, when Christmas rolled around, she still invited me over to her place for Christmas break. The first 2 days were great, we went did some fun dates. We'd sit together in the evening watching a nice movie and cuddled up and talked when we went to sleep. Things were somewhat intimate, she kissed me on the cheek several times in a really cute manner while I was asleep. (Wait, was I just a big teddy bear?) On the third day, in the morning, I heard the dog barking so I woke up and was like "WTF?". Got out of bed to get my cup of water in the morning and some strange guy I've never met of or heard of before came knocking on my door. She let him in and mentally I FREAKED OUT. After she left with him, I asked her roommate/bestfriend "WTF IS GOING ON?" and she was like "Yeah, that's Brian, I thought you knew...." Turns out, she broke up with me because he asked her out. A week later they started "seeing" each other. So naturally, I text-confronted her about it. She basically flat-out avoided her own apartment and me so I was just flat-out gave up. This is when I started NC (not out of wanting to heal, but being pissed off -- ultimately it did heal me though) I actually don't have any problems with maintaining NC. As much as I missed her, she hurt me so much that I didn't want anything to do with her. A year later, she broke NC asking me if we still could be friends. So I tried it. Long story short, I started liking her again (for the same reasons as the first time), but she was seeing another guy and blowing me off whenever she felt like it, so it just couldn't work for me. Not only was I feeling jealous, I also felt neglected. Told her as such. Thus began another round of NC for about another year. I also started dating another girl, but that didn't work out and we ended it mutually and amicably. That helped a LOT with getting over her. Also, I graduated from college and moved back to my hometown so my ex and I are long-distance now. Recently, she IMed me again. At first, we had about 30 mins of IM conversations once or twice a week. Then, she starts calling me in the evenings after work. Now, she even takes the initiative to webcam chat me. She even bent over backwards to join me in something I like (World of Warcraft). Almost all the interaction have been initiated by her. I'm just not sure if it's platonic or she wants me back (our original relationship started very ambiguously friendly and mostly platonic too) But I'm not sure if I want her back. In some part of my mind, I do. I literally have not ever met a girl as awesome she is (I'm a bit nerdy and not into the actively into the whole dating scene and she is exactly the same brand of nerd that I am... which is to say, quite rare) So what do you guys think? Should I continue on these mini webcam/online-game dates until she finds a new guy (they are sort of fun for now, although I'll probably get hurt when she finds a new guy)? Or should I man up and just ask her "So I'm just curious if you ever had the thought of giving us a second chance?" Or should I just perma-NC her? I know the last option is probably the easiest, but I'd like to salvage this if possible... please be brutally honest with me if there is just no chance in hell of salvaging this. Thanks in advance for any advice and/or constructive criticism anyone has to offer.
chocolate_boy Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 I'm sure most people here will tell you to NC and drop her, but if you really want another shot with her, you need to flip the power back to your side. At the moment, she knows she's the prize and has you wrapped around her finger, she can have you whenever she wants you, so this keeps her attraction low. Back off a lot, take your time replying to her messages, then keep it short, don't always be available to meet. It's a fine balancing act, but if she has any interest for you, this should mean she starts to chase you a bit, then the ball is in your court.
Author CantThinkOfWittyName Posted October 6, 2010 Author Posted October 6, 2010 I'm sure most people here will tell you to NC and drop her, but if you really want another shot with her, you need to flip the power back to your side. At the moment, she knows she's the prize and has you wrapped around her finger, she can have you whenever she wants you, so this keeps her attraction low. Back off a lot, take your time replying to her messages, then keep it short, don't always be available to meet. It's a fine balancing act, but if she has any interest for you, this should mean she starts to chase you a bit, then the ball is in your court. Hi chocolate_boy, Thanks for the response. I can definitely work on being less available... definitely one of my vices. Last night after she got off of work and I was asleep, she left IMs on both my laptop and desktop and a text message all to the effect of "Boo....", and "Where are youuuu?" even though both my away messages clearly indicated that I was "Passed out". Since you recommended not to be so available, I haven't responded to those messages yet. Was the attempted call an IOI? Or was that her trying to stroke her ego by seeing if I'll pick up? How exactly do I deal with these? I mean I can ignore them, but I suspect that she will know EXACTLY what game I'm trying to play, since I've never ever ignored calls/texts/IMs and return them ASAP. How does one actually go about these 2nd chances things? Is the dumper the one who needs to initiate the reconcilation (otherwise, the power is still all in the dumper's hands right?). Is there anything I can do to nudge her towards reconciliation?
Author CantThinkOfWittyName Posted October 7, 2010 Author Posted October 7, 2010 Well, didnt get a response to my above questions, but just wanted to update this thread. Still looking for some answers... Today was great for me being less available, since I had a LOT of homework to be done. It was relaxing to just spend my time crunching on numbers and laying out circuits. She tried to call me and then texted me a picture of the cake she made for class. I IMed her when she got home just saying "hey" after I finished all my homework very late in the evening. She said she was watching TV and told me to text her so I just told her I got her cake message and that it looked delicious. Then afterwards, I told her I needed to sleep because of class tommorow (which is true, I'm going to sleep after I finish this update lol). She then told me that she was available tommorow to play WoW but I unfortunately have a full day of classes tommorow, which means I'll be very busy and I told her I probably wouldn't get to play with her. Then she sent me a ":(" back and I left it at that. What do you think guys? Is this exactly what I need to do "flip the power back to my side"? P.S. I'm turn 23 today. But I am blessed with 14 hours of classes today and 2 midterms on Tuesday! Yay!
fabio10 Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 Hey man, happy birthday first of all :) what age is the girl in question ? I know how your feeling about trying to be less available but you need to stop thinking so much about it and just do it, you were right not to meet her for playtime ! Think about if you really want someone would'nt you keep trying and trying , if she truely wants you she wont give up but you have to play it super cool dont say anything about how you feel etc etc etc...try be a dude ! Rich coming from me cause I've made many mistakes but I'am learning and you will too.
Ajax Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 Hi chocolate_boy, Thanks for the response. I can definitely work on being less available... definitely one of my vices. Last night after she got off of work and I was asleep, she left IMs on both my laptop and desktop and a text message all to the effect of "Boo....", and "Where are youuuu?" even though both my away messages clearly indicated that I was "Passed out". Since you recommended not to be so available, I haven't responded to those messages yet. Was the attempted call an IOI? Or was that her trying to stroke her ego by seeing if I'll pick up? How exactly do I deal with these? I mean I can ignore them, but I suspect that she will know EXACTLY what game I'm trying to play, since I've never ever ignored calls/texts/IMs and return them ASAP. How does one actually go about these 2nd chances things? Is the dumper the one who needs to initiate the reconcilation (otherwise, the power is still all in the dumper's hands right?). Is there anything I can do to nudge her towards reconciliation? I definately think she's at least trying to play you, although not necissarily succeeding. I think you've got a way to go before you truely have the power back too. I guess my question is, if she dumped you because another guy asked her out why do you want her back in the first place? Can you really trust her?
Author CantThinkOfWittyName Posted October 7, 2010 Author Posted October 7, 2010 Hey man, happy birthday first of all :) what age is the girl in question ? Thank you for the birthday wish! She is 21 now. I know how your feeling about trying to be less available but you need to stop thinking so much about it and just do it, you were right not to meet her for playtime ! Think about if you really want someone would'nt you keep trying and trying , if she truely wants you she wont give up but you have to play it super cool dont say anything about how you feel etc etc etc...try be a dude ! Rich coming from me cause I've made many mistakes but I'am learning and you will too. I have definitely took a HUGE step towards being less available since I found this place. I think I mentioned it briefly in my first post, but I was pretty much talking for hours with this girl every night after I broke NC before finding this place. Now I'm going on 5 minutes of conversation across 3 days total if I make it through today. I definately think she's at least trying to play you, although not necissarily succeeding. I think you've got a way to go before you truely have the power back too. I agree, I definitely will make her do a lot of begging before I will even accept her back (if it goes that way). Let's just call it sweet revenge for the way she blew me off with no remorse after she dumped me . I guess my question is, if she dumped you because another guy asked her out why do you want her back in the first place? Can you really trust her? And you raise the same question I was asking myself towards the end of the original post. Why should I let her back in my life? My life is fine without her, or it could be better with her in it, or I could end up being hurt again. Every time I get hurt temporarily, it just makes me stronger in the end permanently, so I think I can't really lose. As for trust issues, the idea is to make her BEG so hard that she'll never ever want to leave me again right?
Author CantThinkOfWittyName Posted October 10, 2010 Author Posted October 10, 2010 (edited) Another update: Well I broke NC today. Just said "Hi, how are you doing?". Turns out she's watching TV and on the phone she said she's busy. Couple of hours later, I get back to her again to see if she's done with the phone and TV, and she's like "I'm busy rearranging my room". So it seems like NC probably backfired? She probably found someone else to distract her. Or she's playing games. Either way, I'm sick of this? I miss the girl who was sweet and considerate, the one who would drop non-important stuff just to chat with her friends. I do it all the time for my friends. The girl now is still pretty and cool, but all my friends are sweet people and I just can't see myself not getting into arguments with this girl over dumb things like the above where she's obviously ignoring me. So, fellow readers, I finally decided I'm going to go back into NC with this girl, hopefully permanently. Since I obviously still have feelings for the old her, I can't just slowly let it go, which means the NC will be abrupt, which will turn confrontational when she finds out I've defriended her. When that happens, what do you guys suggest I say to get rid of her permanently short of changing my number, which I cannot do for work-related reasons. P.S. I've tried the "I'm sorry but I can't handle being just friends" and "I hope you die alone" approach already. Both times she came back a while later asking if we could be friends. Edited October 10, 2010 by CantThinkOfWittyName
Trovador Posted October 10, 2010 Posted October 10, 2010 I don't know why you were so willing to throw away the effort of two years... Simply ignore her, bro, she doesn't deserve the importance you are giving her... Damn, she preferred watching tv than talking to you... Be strong, bro... soon you will find a nerdy gal made for loving you!
Author CantThinkOfWittyName Posted October 10, 2010 Author Posted October 10, 2010 I guess I just threw away the NC/LC of 2 years just because people say that if your ex still wants to be "friends" it means that they're not really over you. Friendships end all the time and no one goes back a year later and be like "Let's be friends again." with their normal friends, why does it have to be different for Exes?
Author CantThinkOfWittyName Posted October 11, 2010 Author Posted October 11, 2010 Final update (hopefully anyways): Good news! I think I've finally got rid of her. It's like this giant burden has been lifted from my shoulders. GOOD ****ING RIDDANCE. WHAT A SELFISH BITCH. Basically texted her this afternoon asking if she would be on later. She said yeah after I got to dinner with my friend, I'll text you when I'm available. Doesn't come back until super late, and doesn't text me so I confronted her about it. Basically told her I'm done with her **** of ignoring me, and she's like "blah blah blah i talk to my friends when I get a chance, it's not uncommon for me not to talk to my friends for MONTHS" What a ****ing rich excuse! In this day and age of IM and SMS and cellphones, I find it mind-boggling how anyone could not talk to their "friends" for a week, let alone months. Yeah so she was like "Whatever, i don't need your crap anymore" so I was like "Yeah I don't need yours anymore either" and she blocked me. Anyways, I thought I'd be sad about it, but now I could NOT BE MORE HAPPY.
Recommended Posts