Mylie Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 Hey everyone, I've been looking around here for a few months and it's really helped me out... every step of my break up I've been able to find threads and posts about everything that I'm going through and I've been able to know that I'm not alone. but now I guess I've finally decided to put down my story and hope that I can get the kind of advice that might help me let go of it all for good. In may, my boyfriend of 4 years left me rather abruptly. Things had gotten a little slow and he had been unhappy with his life for a while, I was practically supporting him. He started dating a 16 year old girl less than 2 weeks after he left me so I'm pretty sure he dumped me for her (we were both 20). We did the whole "friends" thing all the way up until the beginning of august, we would talk a few times every week for hours and he would make plans with me, always asking me to go out and backing out at the last second. I started dating a family friend he had always been jealous of. He would tell me how happy he was that I could be with someone who "wouldn't hold me back". He would say how I am so much out of his league, and that he would never be good looking enough for me. and yet, he didn't want to be with me. I knew that I couldn't handle it. Every time I would try to tell him that I couldn't be his friend, he would end up in tears about it right in front of me. it killed me ... I spent everyday for four years with him, through the death of his dog and his moms cancer and I had NEVER seen him cry, not even close. He would say that he had hopes for the future, that they wouldn't happen if we didn't stay in touch. He would tell me he wasn't trying to give me false hope.... but then cry and ask me not to forget about him... He was my whole life, he was my world. I tried really hard to show him the fun side of me again, the girl he fell in love with 4 years ago. So he never knew how hard I was actually taking it. I didn't beg, I didn't ask for a second chance. I told him I was glad that we were on our own, that it was better for us to be apart. But it was destroying me. I stopped eating, stopped sleeping. I'm 5'6'' and I dropped down to 90 pounds. My mom and dad tried to put me in the hospital. I was literally killing myself trying to be his friend. At the beginning of august I went no contact. I actually told him that I couldn't be his friend though, that I needed space. We both cried. He told me that he was going to get the name of our song tattooed on his chest. He told me he loved me, and that it wasn't over yet. He had let me borrow his favorite video game that he always wanted me to play a few days before that plus I had some of his other stuff still. He told me he would get it eventually. I told him that I didn't want him to call me anymore unless he was ready to try again. He said he wanted me to keep his stuff because he promised that he would call. this whole time he was dating this girl. He would tell me that he didn't even like her like that, that he didn't consider her his girlfriend... but I'm not stupid. I knew what was up. I told him that if he really loved me, he would pick me. he said he wasn't picking anyone, that he had to sort his life out and fix himself before he could commit to anyone. He said that I was the only girl he would ever want to commit to, the only girl he would ever marry. ever have kids with. I'm not an idiot. I went NC. Then 2 weeks later his 21st birthday comes up. I had been struggling with whether or not i should text him on his birthday or not, and I eventually did. He called me up crying, saying he was so happy I texted him, that I was the first person to wish him happy birthday for 5 years straight and that he wouldn't want it to be anyone else. so I ask him how his girlfriend is doing. He sighs and says "I told you, she's not my girlfriend". we talk about it again and he tells me the same stuff, he's not ready yet. so I eventually get frustrated, wish him a happy birthday and tell him I have to go. He leaves me this text on my phone. I practically have it memorized. he tells me everything I could ever want to hear, how sad he is that he cant be with me.. How much he loves me... he swears on my life that when he takes care of his issues, he will call me. I left it at that, I didn't respond. Its been almost 2 months since then and I find myself going back to that text message; rereading it, praying and begging for it to be true. I know that its irrational and that its probably just a bunch of bull****, but I don't know how to let it go... you don't do this to someone you love. Nobody deserves to be treated the way he has treated me and yet, I cant stop hoping. I cant stop waiting for that day that he promised he would call. How do I let it go? *thanks for reading, I know this is a little long*
Ajax Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 Well, it sounds similar to a lot of people's situations on here, and I'm sorry you're in this position. It definately sounds painful. First off, I'm not a doctor or a psychologist so I can't diagnose someone, but it sounds like he could use therapy. And not to put you in the same boat, but maybe it would help you move forward if you saw someone too. At this stage in his life, you're right, you can't even be friends with him. He's to destructive to himself and you for that. You have feelings for him that he cannot return right now, if ever. You need to find a way to let go, and that means no contact. It's not going to be easy, and it will still hurt, but it's the only way to begin the healing process. And moving forward doesn't mean you have to stop loving him, despite what some posters will say. I've come to the realization in my situation that my love for my ex is not dependent on her loving me or us being together. It just is. So even if you move on you will still love him. And eventually someone will come along and you'll fall in love with them, and they'll be able to return your feelings.
smk Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 Hey Mylie, I know it sucks, it truly does and its not easy but the first thing you need to do it delete that text message, erase it from your phone. I spent the first 4 weeks of my break up analysing and re-reading the thousands of texts we used to send each during our relationship - text that talked about how we would spend the rest of our lives, together, etc... (you probably know the drill so i wont go into it)... Like Ajax said it wont be easy and it is a b***h at times, but by cutting them out doesnt mean that you stop loving that person, it just means that you are living your life and that they are no longer part of your life. I still love my ex and I wish her the best of luck and happiness in her life, and whether that is with me or without me i dont care anymore - it wasnt easy coming to that realisation but over time it happens. Sure I have moments of nostalgia where I miss her, I still think of her everyday, and sure there have been the off few moments where I did wish we were still together, but we arent anymore and there is no point in holding onto the hope that we may be in the future. I guess what I am trying to say is that, it wont be easy, but sometimes we have to just accept these things. I read this somewhere and it made me feel better and i hope it does the same for you: "I believe everything happens for a reason. People change so you can learn how to let go. Things go wrong, so that you appreciate them when they're right. You believe lies, so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together" keep posting here, and as much as everyone hates hearing this, time does heal all wounds - most of us here are living proof of that...
Rashad Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 Hey Mylie, These kind of "abrupt" break-ups happen often, they hurt the most and I'm sorry that you had to go through one. It seems like you lost focus, as expected. 4 years is a long period. What you need to do is, get your priorities straight. Focus on yourself and that means being self-centered when dealing with him, he has already hurt and you have to look out for yourself. If staying in contact with him hurts YOU, then go NC, don't consider what NC does to him or whether he is going to cry or not. He dumped you knowing that it would hurt you... he did it anyways because he thought it was better for HIM, now whether that was the right choice for him or not is besides the point. The fact is he was looking out for himself. So look out for yourself sweetie, you might feel that he has issues and you wanna be there for him. Don't be there for him, if he wanted you to be there for him he wouldn't have dumped, and besides you really CAN'T help him without hurting yourself. Why would you wanna do that? You're loosing focus worrying about him and his confusion and hurting yourself in the process... focus on you! You're single now, you have pain to deal with, you have questions to answer, you have mistakes to learn from... that's a handful! 1- Make a decision ASAP! do you wanna get out of this black hole or you wanna hold on to hope... If it's the latter stop reading. 2- Go NC. 3- Keep yourself busy with positive activities, group activities will do you better (get a new hobby, workout, read, take a vacation, start soul searching... etc) 4- Get your confidence back... keeping yourself busy helps you with this. Do things that you are good at, again group activities are better cause you're likely to find people who'll appreciate you. 5- Stay single for a while. NO rebounds! 6- Rediscover yourself... you've been a couple for 4 years and now you are only YOU. I've been dumped "abruptly" too and for the first few months I was practically a zombie, I thought that being peaceful and nice would work and I had an ounce of hope, but it just lead to more confusion, depression and sadness and these are all destructive feelings cause they don't lead to action... sometimes you have to be angry, enraged and yes sometimes it's OK to hate.. you don't have to hate him, you have to hate the situation you are in and the things he did to you that lead you to this situation. Sorry if I was harsh.
Author Mylie Posted October 8, 2010 Author Posted October 8, 2010 Thanks everybody, I really appreciate all the advice! Ajax I was actually seeing a counselor for a couple of months but I had to stop because I couldn't afford it :\ He could definitely use it, but he is way too proud. He has a LOT of issues, he's manic depressive and he's been taking care of his brother and suicidal mother since he was a kid. He gave all of that as an excuse when he broke up with me. I'm pretty sure it was just a cop out though, even though it's all true. I knew he was unhealthy but I loved him, he knew it didn't matter to me. I've been NC for about two months now, and it is a little better... but I just can't seem to forget about him. I still have all of his stuff and a huge part of me wants to give it back just to have an excuse to see him again. Smk I know I should delete it, I have thousands of his texts still on my phone but I don't look at them anymore. today is actually the first time in a month I went back and read it I actually almost lost my phone yesterday, and I know how bad I am still because the thing I was the most worried about was losing his texts... I couldn't imagine deleting them! Rashad Thanks, you aren't being too harsh... I know I need to keep picking myself up instead of letting myself sink into this hole every few weeks. I've actually been doing the NC thing for a while, and while I'm definitely a lot better than I was before, I'm starting to wonder if I did the right thing... I hate how he's become this stranger to me. I know that if I texted him today he would probably be my best friend again and I wouldn't be sitting here wondering what he's doing. Ah, I need to just keep getting through it lol. I know that breaking NC would put me in a world of pain either way. last time i did it, his stupid text was everything I could of hoped for him to say and it still didn't make me feel better about anything. It just stuck me with all of this false hope. I do need to start getting angry again instead of mopey just because i miss him. I just joined up for match.com last thursday and i have a LOT of emails so I'm hoping that will help me get my confidence back...
Rashad Posted October 11, 2010 Posted October 11, 2010 That's what's up!! keep trying new things match.com or whatever it be, new things always bring excitement to our lives... Also, get rid of the goddamn texts. Put the emotional frame aside and look at the texts to see what they are and what they represent... -false hope. -attachments to the past that prevent you from moving forward. Think of the pain they cause, the time they waste and the false hope they give, the texts themselves may be pretty and all, but the reactions they stir in you are pretty destructive. You don't want that. Also reward yourself after deleting them
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