Ella whispers Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 Hee's the deal. Been dating for 6 months now. We get along well, laugh and spend as much time as we can together. He has trust issues and wants a relationship, he has told me this on several occasions, wants to be exclusive. Sex is off the chain! I have issues from a previous abusive relationship and want to move slowly. If you really want a girl in your life wouldn't you introduce her to your friends/family? I have met his son from a previous marriage but no one else. His mother is deceased but his father and sister are local. Whenever he has social events and I'm free he doesn't invite me. What can he be hiding? Me from something or someone, does he sell drugs (obsessive fear of mine) or what? Why would you be so into a girl and NOT want her to meet your family and friends?
Mad Max Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 If you really want a girl in your life wouldn't you introduce her to your friends/family? At a certain point, yes. Not right away and certainly not before we become exclusive. I have met his son from a previous marriage but no one else. His mother is deceased but his father and sister are local. Whenever he has social events and I'm free he doesn't invite me. What can he be hiding? Me from something or someone, does he sell drugs (obsessive fear of mine) or what? Going by your post, it appears you're not exclusive, assuming I'm reading it correctly. That's why he doesn't bring you along. There's also the possibility there's another woman. Why would you be so into a girl and NOT want her to meet your family and friends? If we're not exclusive, then it's understanable if you don't want to bring them home.
Sabali Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 Hee's the deal. Been dating for 6 months now. We get along well, laugh and spend as much time as we can together. He has trust issues and wants a relationship, he has told me this on several occasions, wants to be exclusive. Sex is off the chain! I have issues from a previous abusive relationship and want to move slowly. If you really want a girl in your life wouldn't you introduce her to your friends/family? I have met his son from a previous marriage but no one else. His mother is deceased but his father and sister are local. Whenever he has social events and I'm free he doesn't invite me. What can he be hiding? Me from something or someone, does he sell drugs (obsessive fear of mine) or what? Why would you be so into a girl and NOT want her to meet your family and friends? There are a number of reasons he would not introduce you to his family and one big one is that he is ashamed of them or afraid they will humiliate him. Either way, none of this matters. F#$% the sex. This guy told you he has trust issues. That's your red alert to get the hell out now! You have been warned so don't come here 2 months down the line talking about how he won't let you hang out with anyone and won't allow you out of your home. You had your good sex now leave.
Armando929 Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 Hee's the deal. Been dating for 6 months now. We get along well, laugh and spend as much time as we can together. He has trust issues and wants a relationship, he has told me this on several occasions, wants to be exclusive. Sex is off the chain! I have issues from a previous abusive relationship and want to move slowly. If you really want a girl in your life wouldn't you introduce her to your friends/family? I have met his son from a previous marriage but no one else. His mother is deceased but his father and sister are local. Whenever he has social events and I'm free he doesn't invite me. What can he be hiding? Me from something or someone, does he sell drugs (obsessive fear of mine) or what? Why would you be so into a girl and NOT want her to meet your family and friends? Everyone is different. I mean I mostly just casually date now since the whole commited relationship thing never really worked out. But if its a long relationship then there's not much your going to be able to hide really. I mean the longer your with someone the more part of your life they become and all. He also might not be ready to take that step. He may well be into you but he's not ready to go that far yet. It might not necessarily be you. Commitment phobia is a big thing. In your case the best thing I think is to just leave it alone and let it come out of him otherwise you might push him away.
Author Ella whispers Posted October 7, 2010 Author Posted October 7, 2010 Thank you all. I asked him directly today and got evasive answers. He said he never noticed and didn't think it mattered. Whatever it is, it's obviously more important to see what he doesn't say than to hear what he does. After our conversation he invited me to his softball game tonight. I stayed home. Easy come easy go, I accepted a date for Saturday w/ a new guy.
atlnay Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 OP, I'm confused. First you say Hee's the deal. Been dating for 6 months now. We get along well, laugh and spend as much time as we can together. He has trust issues and wants a relationship, he has told me this on several occasions, wants to be exclusive. Sex is off the chain! I have issues from a previous abusive relationship and want to move slowly. Then you say: Thank you all. I asked him directly today and got evasive answers. He said he never noticed and didn't think it mattered. Whatever it is, it's obviously more important to see what he doesn't say than to hear what he does. After our conversation he invited me to his softball game tonight. I stayed home. Easy come easy go, I accepted a date for Saturday w/ a new guy. If you liked your guy and EVERYTHING was going well, he wanted exclusivity and you wanted to take things slow. Besides time passing by, what exactly changed? Why didn't you ditch him at 5 months or 3 months. What happened around month 6 that made something he was consistently not doing for 6 months turn into a dealbreaker?
Author Ella whispers Posted October 7, 2010 Author Posted October 7, 2010 He only asked me because I made him feel obligated, I didn't want to force the situation. Asking me to come watch him play ball was to try and pacify me, shut me up basically. It didn't change the fact that after 6 months of dating he kept his life hidden from me. When I talked to him last week I told him that my feelings have changed and that I wanted him to know why I was upset. He had the opportunity to fix it then. I was just curious about the usual reasons that guys don't want to introduce someone to their family and friends. I wanted slow, he wanted fast. He talked about moving in together and all along I knew he was looking for a secure enviornment and step mom for his son (he has custody). The deal breaker is that he didn't make any effort last week. I'm a finisher not a fixer when it comes to relationships. If he's just normally secretive that's fine, I never got an explanation, just evasion. He shouldn't have to change who he is and neither should I. We were fine before and we will be fine now.
carhill Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 If you really want a girl in your life wouldn't you introduce her to your friends/family? Sure, at my age, my family's all dead and my friends are happy to see me dating anyone, so, if I happen to be going to dinner at a friend's house, my date goes with me. What can he be hiding? Me from something or someone, does he sell drugs (obsessive fear of mine) or what? Unknown. Ask him. My guess would be the significance of what your appearance *might* mean. Part of a man's status turns upon success with women. He might want it 'in the bag' before showing the bag off. Why would you be so into a girl and NOT want her to meet your family and friends? I wouldn't 'not' want to. My ex-wife met my friends and I hers long before we started having sex, within a little over a month of dating. We met each other's families a month or two later; perhaps less. To both of us, that's only natural. So, I can't really answer that question.
callingyouuu Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 At a certain point, yes. Not right away and certainly not before we become exclusive. Me neither. Just feels like common sense to me. My family tends to get really excited about my dating life, so I tend to keep it quiet until I'm sure we're together. Also, did you tell him you wanted to meet his family or just ask why he hasn't introduced you yet? Seems like a very subtle difference, but I would be more inclined to side with you if you told him that you wanted to meet them rather than ask what could be a somewhat vague question.
Author Ella whispers Posted October 7, 2010 Author Posted October 7, 2010 We were out one night and he had to stop by his sister's house, he asked me to wait in the car. I have been in there when he was house sitting before so it's not like she's a hoarder or has a messy house. When he was out w/ his family and friends at social gatherings I mentioned that I wanted to see him but he never offered for me to come out there, I wasn't going to invite myself. When we initially started dating we talked about facebook etc...said he had one and I looked him up and sent a request but he never accepted it, I took it back and he asked why I did that because he couldn't see my page anymore. I asked why he didn't accept mine and he said he hadn't been on. When I went to delete the request I sent I saw his profile picture was different. He lied about being on and didn't tell me to resend it. His profile is public and I didn't see anything that upset me. All I know is that I have been trained to follow my gut and it's never been wrong. Something is off about this guy and I can't figure it out.
BackUpOrGetStung Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 He probably kept you around for the good sex once he found out you didn't want to be exclusive. He is probably seeing other women or one other woman seriously.
Author Ella whispers Posted October 7, 2010 Author Posted October 7, 2010 It's the most obvious answer. Why do you think he would press me to be exclusive if he is seeing other women? Territorial? Not wanting anyone else to get what he got?
BackUpOrGetStung Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 Maybe he wasn't seeing other women when he wanted to be exclusive. Since he got shot down, he stopped really caring, and started looking elsewhere. I don't know for sure what happened, but that's what I would do in the same situation. I'd keep you around for the sex(especially if its good), and keep looking for someone else.
atlnay Posted October 8, 2010 Posted October 8, 2010 All I know is that I have been trained to follow my gut and it's never been wrong. Something is off about this guy and I can't figure it out. Fair enough OP and your answers helped clear up a few things for me. One more question, was this guy long term material for you? If so, then yes, it's best you follow your gut. If not, why not keep having casual fun till you find your long term guy?
Author Ella whispers Posted October 17, 2010 Author Posted October 17, 2010 Fair enough OP and your answers helped clear up a few things for me. One more question, was this guy long term material for you? If so, then yes, it's best you follow your gut. If not, why not keep having casual fun till you find your long term guy? Last week I called him and explained my feelings. He accepted what I said and basically replied "I didn't know it mattered to you and I never thought about it". We live about an hour apart so seeing each other is hard. I think that he made assumptions that I wouldn't be interested in traveling out to spend time with him. He was still evasive in some of his answers and I basically told him to kick rocks. A few days ago he called me and said he felt that I didn't give him the chance to fix anything. I agreed that I hadn't. I am trying to get him to communicate more and we will keep seeing each other but just not exclusively. If it works out and we communicate well we will try again because we do get along well and never really had any problems with each other besides communication. The gut feeling is still there and that will have to be resolved also.
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