blizzard Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 I just found out that xMM went on a huge trip to a big city with his wife and teen a month and a half after dday! A two week trip! There I was, crying in a pot of pity and he was out driving and flying across states with his fam to get to a major amusement park...dining at fine places...and going to theatre performances! Wth? First off, has his BS lost her mind? Why would she want to be holed up with him so soon after a EA/PA? He obviously hasn't been completely honest with her...nor me. She isn't in rehab. They can't be in counseling if they are traveling. Secondly, what gives him the right!? ARGHHH. It's as if nothing freaking happened in their relationship or their lives. Weird. And they don't have a kid together. Teen is from previous marriage. We have now been 5 months NC. And I am still trying to pick up the pieces in my life...
desertIslandCactus Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 Thank God you have been NC, already - now this should make it easier.. He can have his family and trips trips trips .. but he cannot have You!
reservoirdog1 Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 Sounds to me like a case of "hysterical bonding". In case you haven't heard of that, it's a period in the aftermath of an affair in which the WS and BS spend lots of time together, have a lot of sex, do things like travelling, etc., specifically in order to try to recapture what was crippled by the WS's cheating. They do those things in far greater quantities than they might in the normal course of things, for that very reason. You ask if his BS has "lost her mind". Probably not, but so soon after D-Day, I'm sure it feels like that to her sometimes. Not sure what you mean by "what gives him the right..."
Fieldsofgold Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 Hysterical bonding is what I was thinking, too. As for what gives him the right? I think it is often the OW/AP who is left in pain for months, trying to recover, while the MM/MW is off living their life with their other SO's (their family). I know that doesn't seem fair, but it seems that is the way it often goes.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 I assume they are still married?? I imagine if he feels he has the right to have an affair that he feels he has the right to take his own family on a vacation. Is it against the law to miss a counseling session to go on vacation? Do you consider flying across the country, eating in fine restaurants, visiting the theater and amusement parks being holed up? If you've been NC for 5 months where do you expect THEM to be with their marriage??? Still crying over something that can't be changed? You know, if the BS can get on with her life, away from or with the WS, then I don't understand after 5 month NC why the AP cant? And I don't mean that the AP OR the BS should still have pain because of the choice made by the two cheaters, but why still picking up the pieces after so long? Surely you've had enjoyable times in the last 5 months, right?
cavedweller Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 blizzard, If you want to 'hit' him and hit him hard you could: 1..Keep up the NC. 2..Find yourself a new man.. Let him put that in his pipe and smoke it..
jennie-jennie Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 (edited) What's he supposed to do if you have been 5 months NC? Not invest in his family? You're not there for him. Did you or he initiate the NC? I'm sorry you are having a hard time. I hope the NC was not initiated after listening to advice on LS, because your post proves how desolating NC is to APs. The only ones who benefit from NC are the BSs, which makes it no surprise that they are the ones on LS recommending it heavily. Edited October 6, 2010 by jennie-jennie
pureinheart Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 Sounds to me like a case of "hysterical bonding". In case you haven't heard of that, it's a period in the aftermath of an affair in which the WS and BS spend lots of time together, have a lot of sex, do things like travelling, etc., specifically in order to try to recapture what was crippled by the WS's cheating. They do those things in far greater quantities than they might in the normal course of things, for that very reason. You ask if his BS has "lost her mind". Probably not, but so soon after D-Day, I'm sure it feels like that to her sometimes. Not sure what you mean by "what gives him the right..." Hysterical bonding is what I was thinking, too. As for what gives him the right? I think it is often the OW/AP who is left in pain for months, trying to recover, while the MM/MW is off living their life with their other SO's (their family). I know that doesn't seem fair, but it seems that is the way it often goes. Ya me too...it's interesting that during high stress periods we will do things out out character, like spending too much money, total irresponsibility....major bad decision making, not looking at the future, just seeing the here and now...some ruin their entire life savings with this type of behavior...I certainly hope that is not what W and exMM are doing. B...hey, you got my thoughts and prayers, I know how difficult this is, although I can tell you first hand, it DOES get better....and in no time at all exMM will be but a distant memory as you are off living your own life with your own wonderful man:)
greengoddess Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 What's he supposed to do if you have been 5 months NC? Not invest in his family? You're not there for him. Did you or he initiate the NC? I'm sorry you are having a hard time. I hope the NC was not initiated after listening to advice on LS, because your post proves how desolating NC is to APs. The only ones who benefit from NC are the BSs, which makes it no surprise that they are the ones on LS recommending it heavily. Are you serious? Are you really knocking going no contact? Do you really think it is supportive to want her to be back in the affair when he is obviously trying to get his family back together? Why are you pushing for her to be in a heartbreaking situation? I really don't understand this.
greengoddess Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 Blizzard you are doing the right thing. Stay no contact and move on with your life. Try not to find out anything about him or his rlationship. It will only hurt you. What gives him the right? I know it hurts but that is his wife and his family. He has the right to have fun and vacation with the. The affair is what was not right. He did not have a right to persue you until he ended his elationship with his wife. You did not have the right to get involved with another persons marriage and sleep with her husband. Let it go...
siuys Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 Write him off. His actions tell you all you need to know.
Ellin Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 Blizzard you are doing the right thing. Stay no contact and move on with your life. Try not to find out anything about him or his rlationship. It will only hurt you. What gives him the right? I know it hurts but that is his wife and his family. He has the right to have fun and vacation with the. The affair is what was not right. He did not have a right to persue you until he ended his elationship with his wife. You did not have the right to get involved with another persons marriage and sleep with her husband. Let it go... Blizzard has a RIGHT to feel anger and all the things she has written about. She's just expressing her feelings and doesn't need a moral lecture. I don't know her story but the MM fully participated in the A and must have done things that made her feel like she had the right to be in a R with him. He is not his W's possession, he's a person with his own will and choices. This thread and its title also illustrates how one cannot understand what being in a situation feels like, until one IS in that situation. OR one has great empathy. I completely understand how Blizzard feels and I understand why it takes ages for AP to recover after the A ends in a bad way, while MP finds it much easier to carry on as if nothing has happened. Especially if AP is single - they just end up lonely and abandoned, while MP have their life almost intact and they have their spouse, children, extended family, mutual friends and routines to give them comfort. It's only natural for AP in this case to feel that this is so unfair and to want their xMM/MW to suffer the same.
Author blizzard Posted October 6, 2010 Author Posted October 6, 2010 (edited) no no noooo...the trip was NOT taken now after 5 months NC. It was taken a month and 1wk to be exact after D-day! Several months ago. In my defense, yes he can enjoy his family after 5 months NC...whatever. And yes, I am enjoying my kids. And no, I am not a grave hermit wallowing in self pity any longer. But I will say what he did, what he said has scarred me...and I will never forget...but I am capable of moving on. Ifwisheswerehorses: I say what gives him the right meaning being one person "divorcing" for nearly two years and filling my head full of lies, and begging me to have faith and trust him. Telling me he values sincerity and honesty. Then a week later walking away cold turkey basically with a one liner email after Dday. In turn telling me he loves me and cares about me AND her. I called him to get a more than I deserve explanation...we both agreed NC...forever. Then, there he is a month later enjoying rollercoasters and cotton candy. The trip was planned a week AFTER Dday!!! Where is his pain!? Yes Cavedweller. I have had a few evil thoughts about him... involving rollercoasters. Interesting about hysterical bonding... sounds like him. I will catch up with you guys later...gotta run. Thanks for the insight. Edited October 6, 2010 by blizzard
anne1707 Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 The trip was planned a week AFTER Dday!!! Where is his pain!? Yes Cavedweller. I have had a few evil thoughts about him... involving rollercoasters. Interesting about hysterical bonding... sounds like him. Well if after Dday, he decided he wanted to work on his marriage then it sounds as if that was what he was doing. Spending time with his family and showing that they are genuinely important to him is part of the recovery process after an affair. As for counselling - they could have started counselling and just had a break to get away from everything for a couple of weeks to see if they still wanted to make it work. I also don't uunderstand why his wife should be in rehab if he has told her everything. I know when my H told me about his affair, I did not collapse into a distraught crying mess. I was strong and determined to fight for my man. I know this is not what you want to hear but as a former WS I know what went through my mind on recovering the marriage. I also do not agree with others that this is obviously hysterical bonding. What he did could actually be described as very sensible and reasonable. I should add though that none of this means he did not feel any pain. It just means that he had to establish his priorities and unfortunately for you, it was not the choice you wanted.
TigerCub Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 Oh blizzard, I'm so sorry that you're in such pain and I certainly understand your anger. I really do... lucky for you, I was talking to my therapist just last night and he said a few insightful things to me - regarding my xMM situation. he said: "When it comes to love and a relationship ends, there usually is the question of WHY, and that most people almost never get the real answer to why certain things happened the way they did. So we need to accept that fact, and know that no good can ever come from us filling in the gaps on our own with our false assumptions & conclusions" I found that very helpful. I was questioning why did xMM choose baby momma over me (and I was totally overlooking the fact of their 2 kids), why is she more loveable than me - well she must be more loveable because he chose her. and the therapist told me what I mentioned above and i find that helpful. He said that we can't get sucked into our own mental traps of pondering something and just jumping to all these conclusions that don't make sense, and making them our truth. ooooh, the other thing he told me that I find really neat to keep in mind: "The sure recipe to being miserable: Find only 1 thing in the world that you cant have, and pine away after it" That is sooooooooooo true!!! We're way better off, not questioning why people do what they do, why things fell apart, and keeping our options open. I hope some of his insight is as helpful to you as it is to me
TigerCub Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 I know when my H told me about his affair, I did not collapse into a distraught crying mess. I was strong and determined to fight for my man. Yeah, but were you on vacation with him the following week? I realize that people deal with things differently, but I would imagine that it would be pretty difficult to be with the person that betrayed you and just act all happy and normal. I'm honestly just curious, not trying to stir up ****
seren Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 Sorry you are feeling so confused blizzard, I can understand how WTF it must seem for the words MM said to mean something else. I can imagine how, as a BS, I would have felt had H left and he and OW off on holiday a short time after D Day - rejected? forgotten? probably felt worse if he had done that and we were still married, and, I think, angry that I was feeling so awful and possibly hoping he was feeling awful and lost too. So, if that's how it feels for you, I hope you realise what an escape you had and that you can, as most of us who have been hurt by another who we think loves us, work through it. After D Day the term hysterical bonding is used - well sometimes it's just that when we come so close to realising what we almost lost, we reaffirm those feelings and everything and everyone else goes out the window, it's like circling the wagons. I am sorry you are hurting and wondering - but it is common for both the WS and BS to become very self centered and shut out the world while they pick up the pieces and do damage control. It isn't a reflection on you, or your feelings, more a reflection on him.
Fieldsofgold Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 Oh blizzard, I'm so sorry that you're in such pain and I certainly understand your anger. I really do... lucky for you, I was talking to my therapist just last night and he said a few insightful things to me - regarding my xMM situation. he said: "When it comes to love and a relationship ends, there usually is the question of WHY, and that most people almost never get the real answer to why certain things happened the way they did. So we need to accept that fact, and know that no good can ever come from us filling in the gaps on our own with our false assumptions & conclusions" I found that very helpful. I was questioning why did xMM choose baby momma over me (and I was totally overlooking the fact of their 2 kids), why is she more loveable than me - well she must be more loveable because he chose her. and the therapist told me what I mentioned above and i find that helpful. He said that we can't get sucked into our own mental traps of pondering something and just jumping to all these conclusions that don't make sense, and making them our truth. ooooh, the other thing he told me that I find really neat to keep in mind: "The sure recipe to being miserable: Find only 1 thing in the world that you cant have, and pine away after it" That is sooooooooooo true!!! We're way better off, not questioning why people do what they do, why things fell apart, and keeping our options open. I hope some of his insight is as helpful to you as it is to me that's a good therapist. He told you true!
In_Repair Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 This thread and its title also illustrates how one cannot understand what being in a situation feels like, until one IS in that situation. OR one has great empathy. I completely understand how Blizzard feels and I understand why it takes ages for AP to recover after the A ends in a bad way, while MP finds it much easier to carry on as if nothing has happened. Especially if AP is single - they just end up lonely and abandoned, while MP have their life almost intact and they have their spouse, children, extended family, mutual friends and routines to give them comfort. I don't understand it. How did the single AP in your scenario wind up all alone with no support from their family and friends, or some sort of comfort from their daily routines? Why would a single AP invest so damn heavily in a secret relationship, with someone who has already committed themselves to another, that they destroy their own lives in the process? It's all fine and good to feel sorry for someone else who is going through a rough time in their lives, but we are all adults and we all have to eventually stand up and take the fallout from our own screw ups. I find it irresponsible, and somewhat mean, to encourage this AP to wallow in their own self pity any longer. Some of you guys around here are constantly questioning other people's motivation to post what they post.. so I have to ask... do you guys post the way you do simply because misery loves company? Seems that way sometimes...
seren Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 Everyone deals with stuff in their own way, some can pick themselves up, dust themselves down and start all over again - for others it just takes longer. IMO it is OK to feel empathy for someone who is hurting, irrespective of how or why that hurt was caused.
Spark1111 Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 Hey, Blizzard, so sorry for your pain! As a fBS, my husband's actions after DDay, did not make a lot of sense either. I think he felt tremendous guilt, not only for the affair, but how he had treated us during it. Maybe you are getting a glimpse of this with your xMM? WHile he took her away for weekends, dinners, bought gifts for her and her son....I was working two jobs and we were pinching pennies. I don't care if it is only a tank a gas to see your AP, it is still taking resources away from your family. Jeez, the cell phone bill alone... That causes additional guilt in some WSs. I know it did in mine, and for awhile, even before I was convinced I would reconcile with him, he lavished both me and our children with gifts, trips, and attention. And you know what? We let him. It felt good to be spoiled by a man who had had so much disdain for us during the affair. And I believe HE NEEDED to do that to, as a way of making ammends to us all.
Spark1111 Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 Yeah, but were you on vacation with him the following week? I realize that people deal with things differently, but I would imagine that it would be pretty difficult to be with the person that betrayed you and just act all happy and normal. I'm honestly just curious, not trying to stir up **** TC, often the fWS is deperate to make ammends and pulls out all the stops to do so, including yeah, trips, gifts or dinners as enticements. Not in an effort to buy your affections back... But in an effort to spend quality time as a family; to demonstrate how wonderful they intend to be NOW if given a second chance. And it is hard to resist happy family times no matter what the status of your relationship. If my H asked me to dinner after DDAY, I would beg off. If he invited our children and they asked if I was going too, well...it was much harder to say no.
TigerCub Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 that's a good therapist. He told you true! Oh he really is. Yesterday was only my second session, and I feel so much better about things, and I'm definitely keeping all he said in mind for those "moments" when I feel like crap - I'm sure that'll help yank me out of it
TigerCub Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 TC, often the fWS is deperate to make ammends and pulls out all the stops to do so, including yeah, trips, gifts or dinners as enticements. Not in an effort to buy your affections back... But in an effort to spend quality time as a family; to demonstrate how wonderful they intend to be NOW if given a second chance. Oh, I can totally see the WS's motivation behind all that. I just would imagine that the BS would have an incredibly difficult time going through with it. I'm only guessing at that, because that's what I would assume I would feel like if I were in that position, but then again, I've never been so its hard to say what I'd REALLY do. If my H asked me to dinner after DDAY, I would beg off. If he invited our children and they asked if I was going too, well...it was much harder to say no. oooh!! That's sneaky!! I can definitely see how if the kids asked it would be harder to say no, but damn!!! that's so low to use the kids to influence the BS into acting like all is well. IMO. Thanks for your input on that
Spark1111 Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 Oh, I can totally see the WS's motivation behind all that. I just would imagine that the BS would have an incredibly difficult time going through with it. I'm only guessing at that, because that's what I would assume I would feel like if I were in that position, but then again, I've never been so its hard to say what I'd REALLY do. oooh!! That's sneaky!! I can definitely see how if the kids asked it would be harder to say no, but damn!!! that's so low to use the kids to influence the BS into acting like all is well. IMO. Thanks for your input on that Well, I had resolved that no matter what happened with us, I certainly would never deny my children the best relationship possible with their father.... I was determined to take the high road in either a divorce or a reconciliation. So, I was just trying to explain to Blizzard some of thos post DDAY dynamics as I experienced them. And taking the family to vacation in an amusement part soon after seems somewhat the norm to me. It's a cry for 'I am worthy of a second chance. Let me prove it to you,' IMHO.
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