When do you know when to walk away???

[Ozrainey]

Hi Everyone

I would appreciate any advice, tips or experiences who would like to share with me on my relationship issue.

 

Background. I am 37, my partner is 41. We have been dating for 4 months and knew each other 23 years ago but had not seen each other for those 23 years. He has two kids (15 and 13), never married to the mother (were engaged though) and our relationship was glued together very early in the peace. He made it very clear that he wanted to get married and have a baby with me however, only a month into our relationship I fell pregnant. We both made the decision together that I would terminate this pregnancy would re visit this next year.

 

I had alot of trouble with coming to the terms pre and post termination as deep down I would have preferred to have the baby. Nonetheless, I also wanted to have a relationship, to have a father to my child and to give us a healthy start and to enjoy more life together before a little baby came into the picture. As a result of the pyschological effects it had on me, it changed our relationship.

 

At times I even became quite neurotic but he stuck by me. If it was the other way, I would've packed up and left for sure so, I cannot stress enough how much hard work I was and still at times now.

I've been seeing a therapist which has helped and its very clear I am still grieving the loss of this baby. Its been almost 3 months and my partner does not want to talk about it anymore. He feels its in the past and we should move on. He's not as emotional as I am and having lost both parents, do not speak to my brother, my support networks are very limited and friends are only friends to a certain degree so, I can rely on him more than normal which is something I think he does not get. Maybe he does but he certainly acts like he does not.

 

We've talked about buying a house for months now and starting the gruelling process. The topic came up about the bedrooms which then switched to a baby. He then told me his now undecided whether he wants a baby. I enquired as to what changed for him but the typical man answer "dunno". He further said if we were to build our new home, how would he pay for it, the stress of having a child and is tired of struggling. We both have money behind us, he has more but its not like we are poor by any means. He further said he loves me and does not want to lose me and wants a future with me. To hold out, be patient and stop asking so many questions.

 

Although yes I do appreciate his honesty which would've been hard to tell me but he has no idea of the pyschological issues having had the termination. Even I am shocked at what it has done to me and there is a strong urge to replace what I had and fall pregnant again. I will admit I was all blah, blah, blah about pregnancy, our future and wanting to know exactly when all of this would happen and I can see all my nagging and chewing his ear off has turned him off having a child with me.

 

To add to my anger a small part feels that I've been led up the garden path. I would not have had that termination if this was his opinion now and having a crystal ball back then still would not have determined what the future is now and I do respect everyone is entitled to change their minds but still that does not take away the emotional aspect and its so very difficult to rationalise emotions.

 

I've stated if we want different things then what is the point to our relationship. He said to have a think about it and let him know. I dislike how mechanical he is being about our relationship ... again adding to my anger, disappointment and hurt feelings.

 

Perhaps we need more time as boyfriend and girlfriend minus baby talk, marriage and house acquisitions and I know its me since the termination that has changed, made me more questionable about everything and hard work. I do realise I am holding anger with him over the termination and it's not easy seeing him pamper his kids and speak to the mother as I can't help but think "that should be me, not her or those kids".

 

Apart from the pregnancy issue, we do have fun together and we are not just lovers but are real good mates as well. He's always been honest, reliable and I feel so safe in his arms and my life is so different (in a good way) with him in it. But, yes but, the pregnancy/termination changed it, he does not communicate as much as I would like but he says that's him and I should not change him.

 

Am I wasting my time in the hope he'll change his mind about the baby issue and how the hell does one settle one's mind down after a termination? He is also not stopped the talk of house buying and is actively looking. I've suggested that we stop looking until we are on track 100% but he said he will just go ahead without me. I believe he is just joking but he has his heart on buying a bigger house than he already has.

 

I've read that a termination either makes or breaks a relationship ... wonder how true this is!?

 

Should I continue to work at this or slowly start accepting that its over?

 

Regards

Ozrainey

[Ozrainey]

Why do people view my blog but do not make any comment. Its very disappointing when someone, somewhere out there does not have any advice on my situation.

[Cee]

Be patient about replies. Some people's situations are more complex and people don't want to post about something they don't know about.

 

I am not in your situation (I have chosen not to have bio children), but I'm 40 so I have some friends in your boat.

 

I know two women who are 40 and want children. One friend was dating a guy who didn't want children. She told him that either they would have kids together or they needed to break up so she could go to the sperm bank and raise a baby alone. He thought about it and decided to be a dad. She now has a son and they are happy. He didn't have any other children. They aren't married, but are living together. My friend knows that if her boyfriend left her, she'd be fine b/c she is very independent.

 

Another friend is 40 and wants kids. She's been dating a guy who has had a vasectomy. She is indecisive and has stayed in the relationship. She still wants children, but has not left her boyfriend. If she stays with him, she will never have kids. She hasn't decided yet whether he is more important than her need for children. The clock still ticks.

 

My sister had her first baby at 37 and her second at 39. She is happily married and loves her kids. Her second baby has Down's Syndrome. It is stressful, but the children were very much wanted by mom and dad. Her husband is one of the greatest guys ever. He is a very involved father.

 

I don't have any advice except to say, you have a big decision ahead of you. And it's hard to make a clear decision based on a guy you've been dating for 4 months. But I think your gut will help you decide.