Sabali Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 Alright alright, I'll have the talk with him lol. It's not like we've been together forever and haven't had the talk. We've only been dating for two months. Do people really talk about it that early? People talk about it when the time is right. The time is right for you two. Trust me.
Author IceIceBaby Posted October 6, 2010 Author Posted October 6, 2010 It sounds like you wanted to be able to hedge your bets but your "new guy" or "bf" or FWB or whatever you want to call him beat you to the punch. If you mean I wanted to keep my options open, no not at all. I'm not a multi-dater. I don't enjoy that. When I met him I had gone on two dates with someone else. I ended things with that other person because I liked him so much and have since only dated him. If he had said to me "I want to be exclusive with you" I would absolutely say yes.
Serenitynow Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 sounds like I need to let him know what sort of behaviors I find unacceptable. Told ya she wont leave him. No matter what this guy does she will continue to say "well, I need to have a talk with him and explain that its not ok"
Author IceIceBaby Posted October 6, 2010 Author Posted October 6, 2010 Told ya she wont leave him. No matter what this guy does she will continue to say "well, I need to have a talk with him and explain that its not ok" Yep you've got me alllll figured out. Jaded much?
make me believe Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 If things are so perfect, why aren't you two boyfriend & girlfriend yet?? Two and a half months is definitely not too soon for exclusivity. My boyfriend and I were exclusive after our 4th date because things were "perfect" and neither of us wanted to take the chance of letting the other go! IMO if this guy wanted you to be his girlfriend, he would have made you his girlfriend by now. But instead, he's keeping his options open & actively flirting (and doing who knows what else) with other girls. However, you can't really fault him for that because you two have never set groundrules for whatever it is you have going on. I dunno, though, to me it just seems like you two are sort of dancing around the issue and you have expectations of each other but no real commitment. You expect him not to flirt/be sexual with other women, but he's not your boyfriend so technically you can't have that expectation of him. Similarly, I bet if he found out you were exchanging messages like that with other guys he would get jealous & mad. I think you need to sit him down & discuss your relationship. If you STILL don't become exclusive, then you can decide if you're ok with his current behavior or not. If not, move on.
Author IceIceBaby Posted October 6, 2010 Author Posted October 6, 2010 If things are so perfect, why aren't you two boyfriend & girlfriend yet?? Two and a half months is definitely not too soon for exclusivity. My boyfriend and I were exclusive after our 4th date because things were "perfect" and neither of us wanted to take the chance of letting the other go! IMO if this guy wanted you to be his girlfriend, he would have made you his girlfriend by now. But instead, he's keeping his options open & actively flirting (and doing who knows what else) with other girls. However, you can't really fault him for that because you two have never set groundrules for whatever it is you have going on. I dunno, though, to me it just seems like you two are sort of dancing around the issue and you have expectations of each other but no real commitment. You expect him not to flirt/be sexual with other women, but he's not your boyfriend so technically you can't have that expectation of him. Similarly, I bet if he found out you were exchanging messages like that with other guys he would get jealous & mad. I think you need to sit him down & discuss your relationship. If you STILL don't become exclusive, then you can decide if you're ok with his current behavior or not. If not, move on. He definitely would get jealous. In fact just last week I was sitting in a traffic jam and had a guy on a motorcycle ask me for my number. So bizarre and funny so I told my guy for the laugh factor. His first question was if I gave the guy my number. When I said no he said he was really glad I didn't. So what gives? Do these rules only apply to me? He can flirt but I can't? I mean I really like him and wouldn't do that to him and have no interest to. If he likes me so much, commitment or no commitment...why the desire to flirt?
make me believe Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 If he likes me so much, commitment or no commitment...why the desire to flirt? Great question! I would be wondering the same thing. =/ Maybe it's like when a cheating person accuses their partner of cheating. They are afraid of their partner doing exactly what THEY are doing. Your guy knows he's being flirty & sexual with other women, so it naturally makes him wonder if you might be doing the same with other guys. Are you willing to bring up the exclusivity talk with him? I really think that is your only solution if you want to be with this guy.
Sabali Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 He definitely would get jealous. In fact just last week I was sitting in a traffic jam and had a guy on a motorcycle ask me for my number. So bizarre and funny so I told my guy for the laugh factor. His first question was if I gave the guy my number. When I said no he said he was really glad I didn't. So what gives? Do these rules only apply to me? He can flirt but I can't? I mean I really like him and wouldn't do that to him and have no interest to. If he likes me so much, commitment or no commitment...why the desire to flirt? He just said he was "really glad that you didn't." That is nothing. He didn't say you couldn't flirt because then he would have to stop his flirting. The guy is doing what Make Me Believe said. He is dancing around the exclusive thing so he can still have freedom to do what he wants. He didn't really go in too deep about why he was glad you didn't give the guy your number because that would have prompted a talk of commitment. He can have his cake and eat it too. We all do it when we have the opportunity. You can love someone and still flirt with others. IceIcebaby... you got nothing! He can't be convicted and you can't say much at all right now. Just get him to commit then come and talk. Before long, this whole topic is going to turn 360 degrees and this guy is going to start coming up smelling like roses. You can't tarnish him right now. Have the talk!
Author IceIceBaby Posted October 10, 2010 Author Posted October 10, 2010 So we had the talk...sort of. I casually brought it up the other day, just asking what his thoughts were on us. It was over the phone, he was at work, so it really was not the best time or place. The conversation was kind of hurried and awkward given the circumstances and I hung up feeling a little frustrated. So that evening I get a call from him after work saying he wants to come over and see me. So he gets to my house and brings up our earlier conversation. We discuss it in more detail and this is basically what he said in a nutshell. Before me he was with a girl for 9 years, they were engaged. This relationship ended 2 years ago when she stated she didn't love him anymore. He said he doesn't want to get hurt like that anymore. He said he loves spending time with me and that he thinks about me all the time, day and night. He promised me he isn't seeing anyone else and hasn't since the first time we hung out and has no interest in any other girls. But he's scared to label us as something and wants to just let things happen naturally. He said he feels we're going in the right direction and it feels right to him. He also said he was kind of hurt that I was thinking this way about him. He said with all the time we spend together how could I think he didn't like me more than that? I honestly believe what he told me and can't help but appreciate the sweet things he said. But I've heard so many times that this is typical non-committal behavior. I have friends telling me he's just keeping his options open. I asked him "are you just keeping your options open?" He said no. Is this a lie? Is it really possible that he's just nervous based on what happened in his last relationship? Is he just screwing with me? Or is it possible he's telling me the truth and there's a chance if I just let things happen we'll be perfectly fine? Am I making too big a deal of a label this early on?
sugarmomma Posted October 10, 2010 Posted October 10, 2010 What he didn't say was "I want us to be exclusive", and what he DID say was "I want your legs wrapped around me". If I were you I would become less available and start seeing other guys. He's not into you like THAT. Sorry but its the Truth. Don't put all your eggs in this basket. Please.
Sabali Posted October 10, 2010 Posted October 10, 2010 Is it typical non-commital words he used during your conversation? Yes. Considering his past relationship could it be a legitimate reason that he is hesitant to commit? Yes. Could he also just want his cake and eat it too? Yes. Again, the good thing about this relationship is the guy treats you well and respects you, otherwise, there would be no reason to even entertain this relationship unless you are not expecting much out of it but you are. You don't want to pressure this guy into verbally committing to you. Things will change quickly and not necessarily in a good way. He is keeping his options open anyway since he is flirting with girls on Facebook in a heavy manner with the words he used. So you have no commitment so you can't use his flirtatious behavior on FB against him so just drop it! Forget about. He wasn't completely open with you since he said he is not keeping his options open but when you don't commit, you are keeping your options open by default. He gets the best of both worlds. So it is time for you to have the best of both worlds. You won't win by making a man commit. Never attempt to make a man commit. This is where so many women screw up. They think that if they can strongarm the man into committing, he will be happy and loyal and they can live happily with him. It doesn't work that way, cutie. What you have to do is make a man want to commit. I'll leave it up to your smarts to figure that part out. Make him want to commit...
Sabali Posted October 10, 2010 Posted October 10, 2010 What he didn't say was "I want us to be exclusive", and what he DID say was "I want your legs wrapped around me". If I were you I would become less available and start seeing other guys. He's not into you like THAT. Sorry but its the Truth. Don't put all your eggs in this basket. Please. I think he is into her but he is just into others as well. He is really hoping she will just be exclusive to him while he plays around a bit. He doesn't want to really lose her but he doesn't want to give up his side fun either and maybe this could have a little to do with his past but he could have also liked to play this way in the past. Anyway, he isn't doing anything really wrong here. He may not be completely open but he does treat her well so she just have to do her thing and not put all of her eggs into this basket as you say.
Author IceIceBaby Posted October 10, 2010 Author Posted October 10, 2010 (edited) It sucks because now I'm just mad at myself for even saying anything. I never ever bring this topic up in relationships because it just makes for awkwardness. But I had so many people telling me I should and I let that in my head. I just think it would have been better if I never brought up the exclusivity thing and just let things happen. Now I feel like I'm putting this pressure on him and on our relationship. Even if we never discuss it again, it'll always be there. I feel like he'll think of me as that needy and pushy girl now. And that will definitely not make him want to commit. And the other problem is that my instinct will be to pull back a bit. On Friday night we went to dinner/movie and he wanted me to stay over. We had already hooked up so I knew he wasn't just trying to get laid. And he kept asking to the point of almost begging saying he really wanted to cuddle with me and he likes waking up next to me. I wanted to stay so bad, but I left. Because the stubborn side of me was saying "well if I'm not your girlfriend then I'm not going to do girlfriend things with you." Needless to say he was very hurt. But then again, so am I. Edited October 10, 2010 by IceIceBaby
Sabali Posted October 10, 2010 Posted October 10, 2010 It sucks because now I'm just mad at myself for even saying anything. I never ever bring this topic up in relationships because it just makes for awkwardness. But I had so many people telling me I should and I let that in my head. I just think it would have been better if I never brought up the exclusivity thing and just let things happen. Now I feel like I'm putting this pressure on him and on our relationship. Even if we never discuss it again, it'll always be there. I feel like he'll think of me as that needy and pushy girl now. And that will definitely not make him want to commit. Nah, you forgot already how crazy you were going over the facebook thing. You had to do something because you were clearly going insane. This is why I say don't snoop. This is what eventually happens. I want you to realize that snooping has brought you here. That is where it all started. My how soon we forget these uproar in feelings and thoughts so quickly. Anyway, you didn't do a damn thing wrong by asking him about this. Many couples have this conversation before going into a committed relationship. It's relatively normal stuff. You didn't put pressure on him by asking. You would have put pressure on him if you gave him an ultimatum or whined about it which you didn't. Also, you were "just letting things happen." We were you expecting to happen in your favor by just continuing to let thing shappen in light of all that had happened? You guys were doing all of these things and hanging out with each other and families and every thing that could be done in a relationship and you reached a point where the relationship needed to be clarified. You felt wronged by his FB interactions. You felt bad about it enough to start a thread so you had two options as I discussed above. You would have felt bad going down any path. The results of snooping is a MF'er, isn't it?
Author IceIceBaby Posted October 10, 2010 Author Posted October 10, 2010 Yes I do regret snooping, I'll give you that. I guess I'm just kicking myself because like I said I never have this talk with guys. And I've had several successful long term relationships. I don't like the talk. My theory is we're adults and when we're both there where we're ready it'll just happen and we'll know. And in the past it's always worked out just fine for me. So now I regret even bringing it up. I feel like it tipped the tables in his favor because now he knows what I want.
Sabali Posted October 10, 2010 Posted October 10, 2010 Yes I do regret snooping, I'll give you that. I guess I'm just kicking myself because like I said I never have this talk with guys. And I've had several successful long term relationships. I don't like the talk. My theory is we're adults and when we're both there where we're ready it'll just happen and we'll know. And in the past it's always worked out just fine for me. So now I regret even bringing it up. I feel like it tipped the tables in his favor because now he knows what I want. Yes. That was the sacrifice as the result of all of this. You really set yourself up once you go snooping as you see now. You put your back against a wall and you almost always have to give something up as a result. Your alternative was to confront him about what you found which would definitely have been bad especially considering your conversation with him recently. On the other hand, you could have said nothing but, of course, many people cannot do this because it drives them insane and you would have posted forever about it on here to vent then eventually exploded all over the guy which would have been bad. Of course you can recover in a great way by telling him you want to follow-up on the previous conversation and tell him that you want to openly date others. That'll set him straight on so many levels. It takes balls though but you probably had enough action for now.
Author IceIceBaby Posted October 10, 2010 Author Posted October 10, 2010 (edited) Well that was going to be my next question...where do I go from here? Haha that would take some balls to say that to him. And it would be a big lie. Because the problem with me is that I don't multi-date. If I meet someone that I like, all of my attention goes to them and I never really have interest in dating anyone else. Plus I think that would just make him upset and cause even more problems. My first instinct is to pull back a bit. Like I said before if he doesn't want to call me his girlfriend, well then maybe I shouldn't be doing "girlfriendy" things with him. I'm not going to give him that part of me if he's keeping his options open. Edited October 10, 2010 by IceIceBaby
Sabali Posted October 10, 2010 Posted October 10, 2010 Well that was going to be my next question...where do I go from here? Haha that would take some balls to say that to him. And it would be a big lie. Because the problem with me is that I don't multi-date. If I meet someone that I like, all of my attention goes to them and I never really have interest in dating anyone else. My first instinct is to pull back a bit. Like I said before if he doesn't want to call me his girlfriend, well then maybe I shouldn't be doing "girlfriendy" things with him. I'm not going to give him that part of me if he's keeping his options open. Oooohh, you're touching my heart! That is great though, especially for him. Well, I am pretty sure this guy would choose you if he had to considering all of the information so far. Yes, pulling back a bit could work and may be your best option here. I really wished you hadn't caught that snooping bug because it otherwise sound like things were progressing nicely. Well, just forgive yourself. Lesson learned. Pull back a bit and give him a little room. He isn't going anywhere.
Author IceIceBaby Posted October 10, 2010 Author Posted October 10, 2010 Thanks for all your responses Sabali. Really appreciate it. :-)
Madgick Posted October 10, 2010 Posted October 10, 2010 Are you friended on his FB? It doesn't sound like his interactions with the others are just flirting. And he didn't own up to interaction with other women, which you know is going on. Also, of interest--he was engaged for 9 years? 9 years and no marriage? And he is hurt because his ex decided after 9 years that she didn't love him any more? So much so that two years later he's scared of the boyfriend word? There's something going on with that. He might not be husband material however wonderful he is in the 'pre-boyfriend' stage. I would be cautious.
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