IceIceBaby Posted October 5, 2010 Posted October 5, 2010 I recently started dating a guy, I'm 28 and he is 32. We've been dating for about 2.5 months. We haven't officially had an exclusivity talk but he brought it up once. He asked if I was seeing anyone else. I said no and he said he was not either. We see each every weekend and a couple of nights during the week. I stay at his place, he at mine very often. We have both met each others families and spent time with them. When we are together everything is perfect. The other day I was at his place and he left for a few minutes. His facebook was open and I couldn't help myself and snooped. This was the first time I've ever done this to a guy and man did I regret it. There was a message in there from him to another girl. It was sent about 3 weeks after I met him. He said something to the affect of him "wanting her legs around him." Then there was another one sent just a couple of days ago to another girl and he said he was "dreaming about her sexy ass." I am completely devestated and honestly did not expect this of him. What is this? Is it just harmless flirting? Is it too early on for me to be upset over this? Or are these signs of a guy that has potential to cheat? I don't understand why he's doing this and am hoping some guys on here can clue me in. Can guys really spend a ton of time with one girl, tell that girl they really like her, let her hang out with his family and friends and then flirt with other girls like that?
Serenitynow Posted October 5, 2010 Posted October 5, 2010 I highly doubt you will leave him so theres no point in giving any advice.
Author IceIceBaby Posted October 6, 2010 Author Posted October 6, 2010 Well that's helpful haha. Thanks.
Eeyore79 Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 Personally I'd dump him. He isn't being respectful of your relationship, and is clearly the type of man-slut who indulges in sex talk with random women. I would class his behaviour as cheating and would drop him like a hot brick.
Author IceIceBaby Posted October 6, 2010 Author Posted October 6, 2010 But I only know this because I snooped. What do I use as my excuse? This just isn't working out? It'll be so hard for me not to lay into him.
Serenitynow Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 Why do you owe him an excuse, or even an explanation?
Sabali Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 Can guys really spend a ton of time with one girl, tell that girl they really like her, let her hang out with his family and friends and then flirt with other girls like that? Of course they can. He has wiggle room. His wiggle room is that you two never officially said you were exclusive so he has an escape hatch if he is ever confronted. Is this right? No because exclusivity is implied by how your relationship has progressed but he is getting you on a minor technicality. The lesson from all this: Don't give wiggle room if you are concerned about things like this. Pin the person down and make him verbally commit. I personally don't feel I have to pin anyone down but I realize that someone could get me with a technicality if they really want a stalemate. So you can't really say anything because you snooped and he can get you on a techinicality. It is an argument that you cannot win, sister. Second lesson from all of this: Don't snoop. You will always find something that will screw up your head. Don't ever tell him that you snooped. You either move on and pin the next guy down on exclusivity or you bite the bullet and pin this guy down. Wait for about a week or so. Don't go over his house so he won't be suspicious about to say. Act as if nothing is wrong. Have the exclusivity talk and tell him "by the way, this includes flirting with women on Facebook." Downside: You will be insecure in the relationship but hey, you said things were perfect between you two. It's your choice on how you want to proceed.
Author IceIceBaby Posted October 6, 2010 Author Posted October 6, 2010 We hang out several times a week and talk every day on the phone. If I just disappear he'll want to know why and will probably call or show up at my place for an answer.
machiavellian Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 I would just tell him that I get the sense that I am more into him than he is into me and have decided to move on to other prospects. He will probably argue with you that that's not true, or ask why you think that - but you don't owe him that much of an explanation, and regardless, he knows what he is doing and what he is saying to other women, so just don't give him any more than that. You KNOW that he knows, even if he pretends he doesn't.
Sanman Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 (edited) On the one hand, it is sleazy. On the other hand, you stated that you have not had the exclusivity talk...so talk to him. While I never lied about dating other women, I was dating women 2 months into my current relationship until we talked and became exclusive. I stopped after we had the talk. Talk about being exclusive and see how honest he is with you. He is not seeing other women may mean he was not at that moment. Bottom line, if he doesn't mention it, then you have an honesty problem and should dump him anyway. Edited October 6, 2010 by Sanman
Author IceIceBaby Posted October 6, 2010 Author Posted October 6, 2010 Of course they can. He has wiggle room. His wiggle room is that you two never officially said you were exclusive so he has an escape hatch if he is ever confronted. Is this right? No because exclusivity is implied by how your relationship has progressed but he is getting you on a minor technicality. The lesson from all this: Don't give wiggle room if you are concerned about things like this. Pin the person down and make him verbally commit. I personally don't feel I have to pin anyone down but I realize that someone could get me with a technicality if they really want a stalemate. So you can't really say anything because you snooped and he can get you on a techinicality. It is an argument that you cannot win, sister. Second lesson from all of this: Don't snoop. You will always find something that will screw up your head. Don't ever tell him that you snooped. You either move on and pin the next guy down on exclusivity or you bite the bullet and pin this guy down. Wait for about a week or so. Don't go over his house so he won't be suspicious about to say. Act as if nothing is wrong. Have the exclusivity talk and tell him "by the way, this includes flirting with women on Facebook." Downside: You will be insecure in the relationship but hey, you said things were perfect between you two. It's your choice on how you want to proceed. The weird thing is he brought up us being exclusive like a month in...when he asked me if I was seeing anyone else. And then he brought it up again a few weeks ago. And then when I didn't respond immediately he was like "oh it's ok, it's probably too soon to officially call us anything yet." Honestly I've never had that talk with any guy. It's always just been assumed and things have been fine with all my past long term relationships.
machiavellian Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 Oh, and don't let anyone make you feel bad for snooping. I'm big on privacy, but whatever, you found out you can't trust him, so just cut him loose. From how you describe your relationship it seems he shouldn't be doing what he is doing and any normal person can see that, but obviously he needs to be told, as above poster commented on technicalities...so screw him, maybe it's obvious you shouldn't snoop, but he didn't spell it out to you that that kind of thing is off limits, HA
Author IceIceBaby Posted October 6, 2010 Author Posted October 6, 2010 Oh, and don't let anyone make you feel bad for snooping. I'm big on privacy, but whatever, you found out you can't trust him, so just cut him loose. From how you describe your relationship it seems he shouldn't be doing what he is doing and any normal person can see that, but obviously he needs to be told, as above poster commented on technicalities...so screw him, maybe it's obvious you shouldn't snoop, but he didn't spell it out to you that that kind of thing is off limits, HA Well now I'm going back and forth about whether I'm glad I snooped or not. I found info I really didn't want but was probably good for me to see.
Sabali Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 The weird thing is he brought up us being exclusive like a month in...when he asked me if I was seeing anyone else. And then he brought it up again a few weeks ago. And then when I didn't respond immediately he was like "oh it's ok, it's probably too soon to officially call us anything yet." Honestly I've never had that talk with any guy. It's always just been assumed and things have been fine with all my past long term relationships. I don't have the talk either but, like I say, not having the talk gives wiggle room. I don't have "the talk" but I do let it be known in other ways that I won't be taking any $#it. You probably didn't let him know that you won't be taking any $#it.
Author IceIceBaby Posted October 6, 2010 Author Posted October 6, 2010 I don't have the talk either but, like I say, not having the talk gives wiggle room. I don't have "the talk" but I do let it be known in other ways that I won't be taking any $#it. You probably didn't let him know that you won't be taking any $#it. How exactly do you let someone know you don't take any ****? I'm not doing anything different than what I've done in the past and have never had this issue. How do you let someone know you don't tolerate them flirting with other girls? Just say it out right?
Sabali Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 Well now I'm going back and forth about whether I'm glad I snooped or not. I found info I really didn't want but was probably good for me to see. Well, no. Again, he has you on a technicality. You don't have this guy automatically trumped. If he found out you snooped, he can easily argue what right do you have to snoop through his things and say that you are not his girlfriend. There was no sort of verbal pact so he has room to argue. He ain't right for what he is doing but you will have a hard time proving that he is wrong.
Sabali Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 How exactly do you let someone know you don't take any ****? I'm not doing anything different than what I've done in the past and have never had this issue. How do you let someone know you don't tolerate them flirting with other girls? Just say it out right? Well, a friend of mine usually tells the women he is in relationships with that if he ever finds out that they are getting intimate with another man, that "there is going to be a huge problem." That usually does it. There is usually no confusion after that statement is made... so I am told. They can speak then or forever hold their peace.
Author IceIceBaby Posted October 6, 2010 Author Posted October 6, 2010 Well, a friend of mine usually tells the women he is in relationships with that if he ever finds out that they are getting intimate with another man, that "there is going to be a huge problem." That usually does it. There is usually no confusion after that statement is made... so I am told. They can speak then or forever hold their peace. I've made it very clear that I don't tolerate cheating. I said that to him weeks ago and he agreed on that statement. I honestly don't think he is sleeping around. I think I have a super outgoing and flirty guy on my hands who has alot of old female contacts that he still stays in touch with. It sounds like I need to let him know what sort of behaviors I find unacceptable.
Sabali Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 I've made it very clear that I don't tolerate cheating. I said that to him weeks ago and he agreed on that statement. I honestly don't think he is sleeping around. I think I have a super outgoing and flirty guy on my hands who has alot of old female contacts that he still stays in touch with. It sounds like I need to let him know what sort of behaviors I find unacceptable. Hey, cheating isn't just sticking your manyly parts into womanly parts. Cheating is when someone is not following the rules of intimacy in a relationship and directs intimate behavior to someone other than their partner. You didn't agree on an open relationship and you made it clear to him that you won't tolerate cheating. He is cheating. Telling someone that he would like their legs wrapped around him is not simply flirting. It is cheating. Are you allowed to do this? He should be directing this behavior towards you. It's not as bad as finding him kissing someone but it's not good either. Worse things could have happened. Wait a bit, then tell him out the blue that when you said that you won't tolerate cheating, that includes flirting with people on Facebook. Say nothing else. Don't ever tell him you snooped even when the temptation will be so strong to use it against him to win an argument. You tell him you snooped, you lose. I am only suggesting this because you said that things were otherwise perfect with him.
Author IceIceBaby Posted October 6, 2010 Author Posted October 6, 2010 Well that's why this is killing me and came as such a shock...because things are perfect otherwise. I mean this is the guy who invites me to dinner with his family, shows up at my house to cook me dinner, is super affectionate, can't sit on the couch next to me without pulling me in to cuddle. How can he then turn and say those things to another girl? I just don't have that in me. I have no interest in even flirting with another guy...all of my attention goes to him. It just shocks me that some people aren't that way.
Sabali Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 Well that's why this is killing me and came as such a shock...because things are perfect otherwise. I mean this is the guy who invites me to dinner with his family, shows up at my house to cook me dinner, is super affectionate, can't sit on the couch next to me without pulling me in to cuddle. How can he then turn and say those things to another girl? I just don't have that in me. I have no interest in even flirting with another guy...all of my attention goes to him. It just shocks me that some people aren't that way. Okay, you never going to get 100% of smooth sailing with any person and no one will be 100% of what you are looking for. It sounds like this guy is otherwise being good to you. The answer isn't always to dump someone. Like I said, it could have been worse. Again, let him know that you won't accept it. Let him know that if he won't be exclusive, you won't be exclusive. F$&* the whole two-wrongs-don't-make-a-right thing. I am telling you what helps. It will settle him down significantly but I really don't know how horny this guy can be. Only you know that.
Sabali Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 You know, I was walking along minding my own business when I noticed that the title of your thread refers to the guy you are in an exclusive relationship with as "the new guy." Are you hiding something? I mean if he was your boyfriend and this was made clear, why did you not call him that in the title? I'm just curious...
Author IceIceBaby Posted October 6, 2010 Author Posted October 6, 2010 You know, I was walking along minding my own business when I noticed that the title of your thread refers to the guy you are in an exclusive relationship with as "the new guy." Are you hiding something? I mean if he was your boyfriend and this was made clear, why did you not call him that in the title? I'm just curious... We don't refer to each other as boyfriend/girlfriend yet. We haven't really had that talk either. Like I said he's brought it up a couple of times, but we've never really discussed it. I have a bad habit of trying to keep things on a timeline at the beginning. I usually don't like to have that talk. I think it should just be assumed when the time is right.
Sabali Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 We don't refer to each other as boyfriend/girlfriend yet. We haven't really had that talk either. Like I said he's brought it up a couple of times, but we've never really discussed it. I have a bad habit of trying to keep things on a timeline at the beginning. I usually don't like to have that talk. I think it should just be assumed when the time is right. Okay, I now I almost just got plain confused but I made sense out of all of this. It sounds like this guy in fact has wiggle room. Just be straight up with yourself. You two have not made it clear that you guys are exclusive and this is made clear by the fact that you don't even refer to eachother as boyfriend and girlfriends. Now, you either want sympathy replies or you want real feedback based on the assessment of your true situation. My original replies stands: Well, no. Again, he has you on a technicality. You don't have this guy automatically trumped. If he found out you snooped, he can easily argue what right do you have to snoop through his things and say that you are not his girlfriend. There was no sort of verbal pact so he has room to argue. He ain't right for what he is doing but you will have a hard time proving that he is wrong. Don't make this any more complicated than what it really is. Your above quote in this post is enough. Really. The other stuff about you saying that you don't tolerate cheating only obscure things. Yes, most people don't tolerate cheating so if he ever became exclusive with you, he knows that you don't tolerate itHe can dance around all of that stuff. You can't win this one. You can't confront him and you shouldn't and you most definitely shouldn't tell him you snooped. Pin him down now and define what exclusive means to him. He treats you well but he is "flirting" with other women and you will have a hard time proving his is wrong for doing it because he can just shoot back that you are not his girlfriend. For God sakes, woman, neither of you call each other BF or GF or have ever referred to each other as such and you never really technically had an exclusive talk. There is nothing else to add here to obscure this any further. Just have the talk with him and tell him that it includes flirting with other women. There is a thread in another forum here by a woman who found her man in the bed with another woman. Just post your thread next to hers to help yourself feel better.
Author IceIceBaby Posted October 6, 2010 Author Posted October 6, 2010 Alright alright, I'll have the talk with him lol. It's not like we've been together forever and haven't had the talk. We've only been dating for two months. Do people really talk about it that early?
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