CrestfallenNoMore Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 The statistics rely on a PERSON telling their experience. What sounds better? Oh we fell madly in love immediately and I left 3 weeks later ---or--- I've been lying and cheating on my wife for 3 years? Statistics rely on people giving truthful information. And people who are committing adultery are not the most trustworthy are they? EEG Absolutely, which is why I posted that statement exactly the way I did. I wrote I've read statistics, not I know for sure that, All people who cheat, or Statistics have proven without a doubt... I merely communicated something I'd read; it is, of course, up to the reader to conclude the statement's veracity.
Got it Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 I believe the statistics are also based on a small group of men and it has to do with them being married for 5 years (I believe). So that is how the infamous 3% came to be. I doubt many tell how they started and I think there are probably quite a few who are similar to me where I left weeks after the affair started. I think there are quite a few exit affairs that never get discussed.
Fieldsofgold Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 Absolutely, which is why I posted that statement exactly the way I did. I wrote I've read statistics, not I know for sure that, All people who cheat, or Statistics have proven without a doubt... I merely communicated something I'd read; it is, of course, up to the reader to conclude the statement's veracity. Me, too. I have looked for real, science-based sociology studies. (Not some poll in Cosmo.) I think that most people who agree to participate in such studies, which are conducted with strict anonimity, are fairly truthful. But there are no absolutes. I saw a poll asking people to define what "having sex" meant, and the disparty of answers on that, even, was mind-boggling. So, while no study can be guaranteed to be accurate because of individual human perception and interpretation, one can get a fair idea of where the trends lie. I believe the statistics are also based on a small group of men and it has to do with them being married for 5 years (I believe). So that is how the infamous 3% came to be. . . Where did you find this info? I have not yet read a study with these caveats. Oh, where are Masters and Johnson when you need them!
CrestfallenNoMore Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 (edited) Me, too. I have looked for real, science-based sociology studies. (Not some poll in Cosmo.) I think that most people who agree to participate in such studies, which are conducted with strict anonimity, are fairly truthful. But there are no absolutes. I saw a poll asking people to define what "having sex" meant, and the disparty of answers on that, even, was mind-boggling. So, while no study can be guaranteed to be accurate because of individual human perception and interpretation, one can get a fair idea of where the trends lie. Where did you find this info? I have not yet read a study with these caveats. Oh, where are Masters and Johnson when you need them! Well, I think people cleave to statistics that better support their own decisions or hoped-for outcomes. Having been a BS, I can honestly say I clung to the statistic about WHEN relationships that began as adultery fell apart. I thought "Ok, they're entering year two now, so statistically, there's a good chance that..." Then I realized any outcome would change squat in my life. Plus that whole "healing" thing progressed to the point where I realized how pointless the entire exercise was and I was grateful to be free to find someone who truly loved me for me. But yes, I've noticed OW/OM cry bunk when statistics tell them their relationships are not likely to last or that their AP will never leave, and BS's hate the statistics that tell them adulterous relationships do sometimes work, and for a very long time, and do occasionally lead to marriage. Edited October 7, 2010 by CrestfallenNoMore clarity
Fieldsofgold Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 (edited) Well, I think people cleave to statistics that better support their own decisions or hoped-for outcomes. Having been a BS, I can honestly say I clung to the statistic about WHEN relationships that began as adultery fell apart. I thought "Ok, they're entering year two now, so statistically, there's a good chance that..." Then I realized any outcome would change squat in my life. Plus that whole "healing" thing progressed to the point where I realized how pointless the entire exercise was and I was grateful to be free to find someone who truly loved me for me. But yes, I've noticed OW/OM cry bunk when statistics tell them their relationships are not likely to last or that their AP will never leave, and BS's hate the statistics that tell them adulterous relationships do sometimes work, and for a very long time, and do occasionally lead to marriage. You're absolutely right about this. We look for what gives us hope or comfort. Even research can be slanted to look for results that support what the researchers want to find. And the slant is not always intentional. Edited October 7, 2010 by Fieldsofgold
desertmoon Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 My MM proposed to me and then divorced his wife. I said no to his proposal and we broke up. We got back together a year and half later after we broke up. In the meantime, during the time xMM and I were broken up, I divorced my H.
D-Lish Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 Yes daisy, some of them leave- but most of them won't/don't. My exH ended up with his affair partner, but that is mostly because when I found out about the affair I left the relationship. Does anyone ever find it interesting that there is such a lack of men posting in the OW/OW/MM forum??? Why is that? What is the percentage of female to male posters in this particular forum? It's mostly women! Men are all over LS in the other forums, bitter about women in the dating forum, hopeful young dudes hoping for second chances, etc... But they aren't often here in this particular forum as MM. My opinion is that most men engaging in affairs are perfectly content engaging in these affairs- meaning they aren't conflicted enough to seek counsel. So yes Daisy, some of them do leave- but most of them are just pretty cool being where they are.
jennie-jennie Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 A small percentage actually do leave. I have googled it, looking for real studies and statistics. I have read that anywhere from less than one percent, to 3 percent, leave. I've no idea how accurate that is.* The 3% study has been discussed on LS many times before. Here is a prior post of mine on the subject: The so called 3% study doesn't seem to have been published in scientific journals. It is based upon interviews done for a book, Quiet Desperation: The Truth About Successful Men by dr Jan Halper. The paperback version was published in 1989 - more than 20 years ago. I presume these are the reasons it is difficult to find information about it online. The business executives in this study were extremely unfaithful. 82% had affairs compared to 24% for the average man in 1998 and 60% for the average man of today. Could it be that many of them were having one night stands and shorter flings just because they could because of their status and their money?As far as I have been able to find there are no reliable statistics on whether the WS leaves or not. The figures that are out there are based on book sources rather than being formal surveys of statistical collections of data.
Silly_Girl Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 Do they leave? My guy has left, but still doesn't have somewhere permanent to stay. One place fell through, and the new one is being sold. Which is just bluddy typical! But they're not living together any more, which I found really difficult. He's applying for jobs where I live, but his skills are quite specialist so it's proving more tricky than either of us had realised it would. It's been a long journey to get this far. Every single thing about him (and them as a couple) pointing in the direction of him never taking any action. So it's a huge deal that he's doing this, and telling family that things are changing for him, etc. But, NO guarantees it'll work out. This week is especially difficult because it's a big anniversary of theirs; she doesn't want them to split up, doesn't believe I mean anything, I'm a mid-life crisis and he'll get bored and realise just what he's missing etc etc. It's not a nice situation, but I knew that, and decided the benefits outweighed the difficulties. And at the moment I definitely am happy to take the bad with all the good. When/if the ratio inverts I'll have to rethink. I think I mostly never considered he wouldn't leave, or that we wouldn't end up together. Yet one of my closest friends in the world is in a similar predicament and I'm cynical (realistic?) and discouraging, because I think she'll end up the one with all the hurt and baggage.
Fieldsofgold Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 Im not sure about the 1% that leaves, considering the divorce rates in the world. Some leave most dont. I just read an interesting tidbit from the Centers for Disease Control about divorce (why they are studying divorce eludes me! Guess it has an impact on health) Anyway, it says that the 50% statistic on divorce is not accurate and is misleading. Almost twice as many people marry each year divorce. People under the age of 25 divorce at a significantly higher rate, so if you only look at people 25 or older who marry, the rate is much lower. Also, the "divorce rate" does not adjust for individuals who divorce multiple times. I had wondered why MM/W were so hesitant to divorce when everyone else was divorcing innepidemic numbers. The CDC's study makes a little more sense.
2sure Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 Plenty of people divorce and leave. Seems to me that most of those were in failed marriages already and just needed something to tip the scales or make them realize that a divorce was needed. Once they meet someone else sometimes that makes the decision , if not easier then clearer. Thats an Exit Affair. I dont really think its fair in those cases to say he left for OW. She was simply there when he left. There are former OW here who ended up with their MM after the divorce. For the most part what they have in common is that they knew for sure MM was leaving his wife because they saw it happening, were not just told it might. People leaving their marriages seem to do so fairly quickly because they want out and because neither MM or OW want to remain in a secret affair. OW will not have it and she is right. If your partner tells you he is not leaving his marriage, or that he will leave someday far from the foreseeable future....Dont think you will change his mind. Dont think he is leaving.
Star_Bright Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 Do they leave? My guy has left, but still doesn't have somewhere permanent to stay. One place fell through, and the new one is being sold. Which is just bluddy typical! But they're not living together any more, which I found really difficult. He's applying for jobs where I live, but his skills are quite specialist so it's proving more tricky than either of us had realised it would. It's been a long journey to get this far. Every single thing about him (and them as a couple) pointing in the direction of him never taking any action. So it's a huge deal that he's doing this, and telling family that things are changing for him, etc. But, NO guarantees it'll work out. This week is especially difficult because it's a big anniversary of theirs; she doesn't want them to split up, doesn't believe I mean anything, I'm a mid-life crisis and he'll get bored and realise just what he's missing etc etc. It's not a nice situation, but I knew that, and decided the benefits outweighed the difficulties. And at the moment I definitely am happy to take the bad with all the good. When/if the ratio inverts I'll have to rethink. I think I mostly never considered he wouldn't leave, or that we wouldn't end up together. Yet one of my closest friends in the world is in a similar predicament and I'm cynical (realistic?) and discouraging, because I think she'll end up the one with all the hurt and baggage. I can relate; as you probably know mine has left home but it is still hard. What I am learning is that it is never the fairy tale you imagine it to be when things are rosy. It is always hard. Even if they leave, the problems may just be starting! I was just saying in another post that if you read marriage saving websites there are TONS of posts about MMs who leave their wives for OWs. I think every situation is different and sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes the MM divorces his wife (or she divorces him) but doesn't want to be with OW anymore! Who knows. I'm trying to just live my life and let MM figure out his life without it affecting me so much. I feel that he has come this far for me/us and I am not ready to just walk away. At the same time it is hard and not something I would wish for anyone else to have to do.
Star_Bright Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 If your partner tells you he is not leaving his marriage, or that he will leave someday far from the foreseeable future....Dont think you will change his mind. Dont think he is leaving. I agree with this in general and think it is sound advice. However my MM told me when we started that he was not leaving his wife or family. I was like okay... I didn't want him to! In the beginning it was all fun and games and he tried to warn me that things could get so emotional but I didn't listen to him. I didn't ask him to leave because I knew he was married from the start and he had told me he wasn't leaving from the start. I didn't put demands on him. But when it got too close for comfort for me, when my life was too entwined with his and I thought, what am I doing loving someone who is committed to someone else, I tried to walk. At that point HE changed his tune, he told me he loved me and wanted to be with me exclusively. Again I was like okay... now what. But I think my situation is unique and my MM is just really confused about what he really wants. He is all over the map. He was unhappy with his marriage but didn't want to leave his family. Then he fell in love with me and is happy with me but still didn't want to leave his family. Who would want to leave their family?? But he says he knows it's what he has to do if he and I are to be together the way he wants. He's right about that! I guess the lesson is not to believe what an MM is saying. Even if he truly thinks it or feels it at the time, it doesn't mean he will stick to it. Really all that counts is action. That is the most important thing I've learned to keep in mind.
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