Do they actually leave?

[Daisy_May]

Hey there, I'm new today so bare with me if this question has already been asked a million and one times just didn't see any recent post about a MM actually leaving for the OW?

Even if you give them a deadline, which might not even be the right thing to do @ all but my thoughts are basically its me or her, I didn't start this relationship, yes I did participate in it after it was started, basically we started out as friends and it grew into more, with me protesting in the beginning but feelings were just too much that I did finally decided to go forward with him.

He told me that the relationship had been over for years prior to me, he was just comfortable (they don't have any kids thought), in a routine, and felt he owed her due to the fact that she helped him out alot when they first met that he didn't leave, he had never found a reason to leave up until me.

What I guess I'm trying to say is that I told him it was either me or her, which he told me he didn't like being forced into a situation, which I can understand to a certain point because no one likes to be forced but I told him if he felt so strongly about me and keeps telling me that he wants to be with me than what is stopping him from being with me? Was that even the right thing to do?

KInda confused if I should stick to my guns with him on this me or her situation, I feel for me it's easier but has it actually worked out for anyone?

[Star_Bright]

Most don't leave and I've come to believe there's nothing you can do to get them to leave or not. If they're going to leave/ get divorced, they will, and if not, they won't. So really you can just focus on you and protect your own heart. I don't think a "her or me" ultimatum is wrong-- a relationship can't be three people after all! So if you want an exclusive relationship and not an affair, be prepared to walk, because it's very likely he won't leave, and that he just wants to stay married and stay in an affair.

 

*Disclaimer: I don't take my own advice. Mine left home but is by his actions undecided about getting divorced, and as of now I'm sticking around because he keeps asking me to give him time and to trust that he will get divorced. So... even if they do technically "leave," it's still not an easy situation at all. Very messy and not fun.

[scatterd]

Very few do leave from what I have seen here and read if they do alot of times they go back.Its like being on a roller coaster ride.You say they have no kids is that she or he is a step dad or mom.Even though they dont they probally have alot invested in each other.Has he told you he has any plans to leave?If he has been with you for a while and says he is going to leave but has not most likely hes not leaving or he would of already left.I dont know everything but Im going by what I have read and seen good luck

[September]

Nobody ever really knows the answer to that except the person doing the leaving. My xMM gave me a date that he was leaving the problem was we were both caught before that time came. He left, got his own place and I thought we were deliriously happy. After 6 weeks, he threw me under the bus and ran home. He hasn't had a thing to do with me since.

 

It is incredibly difficult for these MM to just up and go. They have no problems talking about leaving and having a future with you but when it comes to the crunch they just can't do it. They are naturally creatures of habit and changing the routine of home often really freaks them! I think they often hope to get caught so the decision can be made for them but when it does, who know's which way it will go.

 

Either way, I wish you all the best. It is a very difficult, heartbreaking situation to be in.

[Confused4Now]

It is incredibly difficult for these MM to just up and go. They have no problems talking about leaving and having a future with you but when it comes to the crunch they just can't do it. They are naturally creatures of habit and changing the routine of home often really freaks them! I think they often hope to get caught so the decision can be made for them but when it does, who know's which way it will go.

I will say this....For me it wasn't a big deal. I was the primary breadwinner. I was the parent who was more involved with my kids. sports, dance, karate and so on. So for me there was no doubt where my kids were going to go. They saw how their mother treated me as well as them. So when I left I wasn't freaked at all. However a husband who's not so involved where a wife is doing everything. Wow that would freak me......

[Daisy_May]

Well we went to look @ apartments together, filled out the information, got a credit check BUT never put down the down payment for it, which automatically made me doubt him about leaving.... he said that he was concerned about her and wanted to make sure he left her with enough money to be okay with and he would live at his dad for a couple weeks to build his bank account back up to be able to afford everything to move out without having to live pay check to pay check... which made me doubt him again. so its not like he hasn't put any thought in moving out I just feel like it's one excuse after another.

He told me the other day that he did tell her that he was moving out and did try to move forward with her to work out the finances and everything but she was not very helpful with this.

She already knows about us but for the moment I am under the impression that she thinks we no longer talk. When she found out about us she sent a couple text messages to me and even went as far as emailing my mom... which as she said, she was trying to be a bigger person, not exactly sure how that is being a bigger person when you go as low as emailing someone's mom but okay. And as for the children, she did not want them, he did but she convinced him that they were better off, but no other children as far as stepkids involved.

[Fieldsofgold]

A small percentage actually do leave. I have googled it, looking for real studies and statistics. I have read that anywhere from less than one percent, to 3 percent, leave. I've no idea how accurate that is.*

 

I have observed that sometimes they leave because they get caught in the A, and get kicked out. But some leave by their own choice. Of the ones who leave, some decide to go back to the marriage. Of the ones who stay gone and actually divorce, *some of them stay with the OW, and some don't.

 

The odds are not in favor of OW.*

 

My xH divorced me to marry his OW, four years later tried to come back home to me. I wouldn't have him. He divorced his W, and married his then current OW. He has repeated this cycle several times. Wash, rinse, repeat.*

 

Good luck. *

[September]

I will say this....For me it wasn't a big deal. I was the primary breadwinner. I was the parent who was more involved with my kids. sports, dance, karate and so on. So for me there was no doubt where my kids were going to go. They saw how their mother treated me as well as them. So when I left I wasn't freaked at all. However a husband who's not so involved where a wife is doing everything. Wow that would freak me......

 

My xMM was also the breadwinner but his W did absolutely everything (except the finances and wipe his backside ). He does have a big involvement in the children's sporing activites and that is really important to him. His children would have stayed with their mother had he stayed away.

 

He was definately a creature of habit, he had the same routine for 20 years. For him, going home every night and spending time with his children was very important. When he left for a brief period of time, I am more than certain he couldn't handle not going home to them every night. Anytime he wanted to spend time with them after their brief separation and because he was with me, his W made sure that the children were unavailable. That really broke his heart.

[bentnotbroken]

Well we went to look @ apartments together, filled out the information, got a credit check BUT never put down the down payment for it, which automatically made me doubt him about leaving.... he said that he was concerned about her and wanted to make sure he left her with enough money to be okay with and he would live at his dad for a couple weeks to build his bank account back up to be able to afford everything to move out without having to live pay check to pay check... which made me doubt him again. so its not like he hasn't put any thought in moving out I just feel like it's one excuse after another.

He told me the other day that he did tell her that he was moving out and did try to move forward with her to work out the finances and everything but she was not very helpful with this.

She already knows about us but for the moment I am under the impression that she thinks we no longer talk. When she found out about us she sent a couple text messages to me and even went as far as emailing my mom... which as she said, she was trying to be a bigger person, not exactly sure how that is being a bigger person when you go as low as emailing someone's mom but okay. And as for the children, she did not want them, he did but she convinced him that they were better off, but no other children as far as stepkids involved.

 

 

Seems like she is on the same low level that everyone else involved was on. Not right, but it is what it is.

[CrestfallenNoMore]

My ex-husband and his AP left their spouses immediately (3 weeks) for one another.

 

I've read statistics that if the MP doesn't leave within the first couple months of the affair, then the the likelihood they will leave diminishes with each subsequent month.

 

But I know there are people who have had different experiences and can claim exception to that statistic. And rightly so, as every affair is different, just as are the people involved, and the reasons for the affair.

 

btw, I think children play a big role, too. In my case there were no children and no shared property (other than cars) which likely expedited his departure.

[fooled once]

Hey there, I'm new today so bare with me if this question has already been asked a million and one times just didn't see any recent post about a MM actually leaving for the OW?

Even if you give them a deadline, which might not even be the right thing to do @ all but my thoughts are basically its me or her, I didn't start this relationship, yes I did participate in it after it was started, basically we started out as friends and it grew into more, with me protesting in the beginning but feelings were just too much that I did finally decided to go forward with him.

He told me that the relationship had been over for years prior to me, he was just comfortable (they don't have any kids thought), in a routine, and felt he owed her due to the fact that she helped him out alot when they first met that he didn't leave, he had never found a reason to leave up until me.

What I guess I'm trying to say is that I told him it was either me or her, which he told me he didn't like being forced into a situation, which I can understand to a certain point because no one likes to be forced but I told him if he felt so strongly about me and keeps telling me that he wants to be with me than what is stopping him from being with me? Was that even the right thing to do?

KInda confused if I should stick to my guns with him on this me or her situation, I feel for me it's easier but has it actually worked out for anyone?

 

 

If you are going to say "me or her" -- own it and stick to it.

 

Since you are allowing him to fence sit; he will continue to do it.

 

Tell him to call you after he is divorced - not just separated, but divorced.

 

Don't throw ultimateums around if you have no intention of honoring them. He will continue to play this game with you.

 

Why does she think you no longer are talking to her H? Is that because he lied to her again and said he was no longer involved? How do you feel knowing he didn't own up to the relationship with you?

 

I firmly believe, if a man loves a woman, he will do whatever he can to be with that woman. His actions will back up his words.

 

Very few leave. Many play the game and string the OW along though. And many OW allow this to happen. If you aren't getting what you want, then it is time for you to leave. If you are happy being the mistress/the secret, then continue. He is getting what he wants at home and a mistress. Why would he leave?

[AlexaBlue]

My xMM finally left after our A had been going on for several years and about a year after our Dday. That was almost 4 years ago. He swore to me he was never going back to his W. We were deliriously happy for a few short months (looked at apartments together etc.) and then very, very slowly things began to change (particularly after a significant family event in his W's family).

 

He stayed with a family member and never actually got his own place, never actually moved all of his stuff out and slowly started to spend more and more time with his W - weekends, holidays, vacations etc. all the while professing his love for me and insisting he was doing nothing to move things along with her.

 

As time wore on, I became frustrated and delivered a few ultimatums I did not stick to. Until last December when he finally admitted that he has not been able to leave her and has to try to work things out with her although he is really struggling with it. I went NC with him then and it is my understanding (from a mutual friend) that he has still not moved back in with her but continues to see her and because where he is staying is for sale it looks like he is going to move back in with her very soon. I did see him a couple of times since we went NC - one time he contacted me but still had nothing new to say and I have seen him around town a couple of times.

 

Things were left pretty angry on my part and I am not sure this was the best way to leave things but I just could not say goodbye, it is fine that you treated me this way and good luck. He had to know that this was not okay.

 

It has been many months of NC and I still miss him everyday and it has not gotten any easier for me (many post that it gets easier with time but I have not found this). I am still grieving and trying to get over this. Our A was quite long-term.

 

Looking back I guess I thought when he left her he was leaving to be with me. Very naive on my part. I know now that he left because of what was going on between them at the time. I think it really had very little to do with me.

 

So..my advice to you would be to back off and let him sort it out on his own. I think it would be best for you to tell him to contact you when the D is underway. This would be difficult to do but I wish I had done this.

[Fieldsofgold]

.

She already knows about us but for the moment I am under the impression that she thinks we no longer talk. When she found out about us she sent a couple text messages to me and even went as far as emailing my mom... which as she said, she was trying to be a bigger person, not exactly sure how that is being a bigger person when you go as low as emailing someone's mom but okay. And as for the children, she did not want them, he did but she convinced him that they were better off, but no other children as far as stepkids involved.

 

Excuse me, but you and her husband are sneaking around behind her back, f*ing each other. You are wanting him to leave her for you. You want to break up her home and take her husband. One or both of you are gaslighting her to cause her to think you are no longer seeing each other. And you think it is low of her to send an email to your mom?

 

You need to give yourself a reality check.

[siuys]

I am not sure how well an ultimatum will work if your MM hasn't already thought of leaving his M in any serious way. You may be the catalyst, and he may indeed move out but that is no guarantee of it working out either. He needs to want to move out for himself, and for you as well. I don't believe anyone would something as traumatic as this just for someone else. They have to badly want to as well. Your ultimatum will give him too much pressure and he will back off, or leave the A; or make him move out, depending on where he's at emotionally. I think it's good that you set the boundaries but give yourself a timeframe because otherwise the ball is in his court. Ultimatums are only effective once, so stick to your guns if this is truly what you want, and make sure you can do it.

[TigerCub]

he said that he was concerned about her and wanted to make sure he left her with enough money to be okay with

This sounds like BS to me - isn't that what Alimony is for?

Oh, believe me, she'll get her money.

He doesn't need to work extra hard now to pay her off - she'll get her money.

 

and he would live at his dad for a couple weeks to build his bank account back up to be able to afford everything to move out without having to live pay check to pay check... which made me doubt him again.

Really? All it takes is a couple of weeks to build up enough money not to live pay check to pay check?

what's @ his dad's a grow-op?

Is he planning on becoming a drug dealer or pimp while @ dad's?

you are right to be doubtful.

 

so its not like he hasn't put any thought in moving out I just feel like it's one excuse after another.

Oh I'm sure they put some thought into leaving - its called fantasy.

When they're not so happy, that becomes their happy thought, but very few have the courage to actually do anything about it.

 

Maybe its because my own experience has opened my eyes, or made me bitter (I guess you decide), but I do believe that MMs are cowards.

Instead of having the guts to address probs in their marriages they just let them build up to the point where an A is justifiable to them.

 

Instead of leaving, they have an A

 

Instead of being honest with OW and telling her that they will NEVER leave, they talk about their plans to leave, and then come up with one excuse after the other as to why they can't do it just yet.

 

And the funny thing is, all their excuses make them look like martyrs - when in fact they're just lying cowards.

 

She already knows about us but for the moment I am under the impression that she thinks we no longer talk.

But if he's on his way out - why does he need to lie to her and give her the impression that you two don't even talk?

that really doesn't make sense.

 

I'm sorry to say this Daisy_May, but most of them are huge liars that just want to string the OW along. I think you giving him the ultimatum is good, and I hope that you stick to it - if you don't, he'll see that your word is worth nothing and he'll take as much advantage of you as is possible.

 

I'm sure that there are some that actually do leave, but that's a very very tiny minority.

 

Good luck to you

[BB07]

hile @ dad's?

 

And the funny thing is, all their excuses make them look like martyrs - when in fact they're just lying cowards.

 

 

We see this so much here in post after post and of course I experienced it myself.

 

It's a set up, because it allows them an out to remain unaccountable because the poor thing is putting up with so much from his fill in the blank.

[TigerCub]

We see this so much here in post after post and of course I experienced it myself.

 

It's a set up, because it allows them an out to remain unaccountable because the poor thing is putting up with so much from his fill in the blank.

 

So true BB.

I used to think "aaaww, guy is so dedicated to his children. I love how much he cares"

 

but there were times when we were still going on that I knew that was BS. Simply because, if he really cared about his kids, he wouldn't be whoring around on baby momma, OR if things at home were really so bad - why would he subject his kids to growing up in a loveless home?

 

So I just concluded that he's just a coward, certainly not a martyr - just a plain ol' big lying coward!

[Star_Bright]

My ex-husband and his AP left their spouses immediately (3 weeks) for one another.

 

I've read statistics that if the MP doesn't leave within the first couple months of the affair, then the the likelihood they will leave diminishes with each subsequent month.

 

But I know there are people who have had different experiences and can claim exception to that statistic. And rightly so, as every affair is different, just as are the people involved, and the reasons for the affair.

 

btw, I think children play a big role, too. In my case there were no children and no shared property (other than cars) which likely expedited his departure.

 

I've heard this too. But then people on LS tell me that I am crazy to think that MM wants to be with me after a few months of a PA when he has been married for a long time.

 

I think it just shows that they were already ready to leave or at least thinking of leaving, that they weren't happy in their marriage. Whether that means MM and OW will actually end up together and stay happy ever after is a different story. I think in my MM's case the quick move came because:

 

- he was already unhappy at home/ looking for a way out and I came along to help him in that regard;

 

- he is generally a man of action; he likes to do things instead of just think about them; and

 

- we had a d-day; his wife found out about us, so it makes staying in both the M and an active A a lot harder.

 

Now I'm not saying everything's hunky dory for us at all. Just saying he moved out rather "quickly" and I think these are some factors that explain it. He may very well go back, who knows.

 

I am sorry to hear your story CrestFallenNoMore, but it sounds like you are doing okay now and that's great.

[Got it]

Mine did leave after a year of us being involved. He has not gone back and we are over a year of them being separated.

 

I did not do any ultimatums though I did hold him to his promises that were made from the very beginning.

 

At the end of the day we have no control over others other than ourselves. You need to have your boundaries in place and you are your own advocate. If you are enjoying the relationship than leave it at that, if the bad outweighs the good then reconsider it.

 

If she knows about you the chances are probably less of him leaving if he hasn't already left but I am just speculating. Only he knows what he wants to do and it doesn't sound like he is quite sure. Sounds like he does enjoy the cakeeating.

 

My guy would vehemently deny that but months after leaving it finally did admit that he really had it all at that point, his kids around him, everyone relatively happy, his house, his love and involvement with me, etc. It was the nicest scenerio FOR HIM.

 

I know I did not agree with it.

 

But people have to leave for themselves.

[Star_Bright]

 

Looking back I guess I thought when he left her he was leaving to be with me. Very naive on my part. I know now that he left because of what was going on between them at the time. I think it really had very little to do with me.

 

 

I can really relate to this part. I've begun to see that this A has very little to do with me and everything to do with them. It doesn't really matter what I do or don't do because if he is going to stay with her, he will, and if not, not. Maybe having me there will make it easier on him to leave or stay but am I just a stress sponge to soak up all his issues for him? Why did I do this to myself? I think what you say is so true-- I feel like a pawn in their marriage game. Especially because she knows about me -- I'm not trying to say she has done something wrong but the dynamics of our A depend on the dynamics of their marriage and I'm tired of it. He can deal with his marriage on his own!

[Gfkr2]

First, I am sorry to thread-jack...I often see posts similar to this about the MM and his unwillingness to leave a marriage while having an A. This is hardly news to anyone who reads the countless posts on the same subject over and over...

 

I hardly ever see anything on LS about the MW and whether she divorces and leaves her H. I have read the MW is much more likely to leave her marriage for an AP because she likely developed a deep emotional bond with her OM by the time the A turns physical.

 

I am curious about this elusive MW that is hardly heard about on LS. Can anyone confrim they are out there, and do they leave their BH at the end of the day for the OM?

Edited October 6, 2010 by Gfkr2

[Got it]

First, I am sorry to thread-jack...I often see posts similar to this about the MM and his unwillingness to leave a marriage while having an A. This is hardly news to anyone who reads the countless posts on the same subject over and over...

 

I hardly ever see anything on LS about the MW and whether she divorces and leaves her H. I have read the MW is much more likely to leave her marriage for an AP because she likely developed a deep emotional bond with her OM by the time the A turns physical.

 

I am curious about this elusive MW that is hardly heard about on LS. Can anyone confrim they are out there, and do they leave their BH at the end of the day for the OM?

 

I guess I would be one of them but I did not leave for my MOM. The EMR was the catalyst for my leaving but not for him. I left for me.

[September]

First, I am sorry to thread-jack...I often see posts similar to this about the MM and his unwillingness to leave a marriage while having an A. This is hardly news to anyone who reads the countless posts on the same subject over and over...

 

I hardly ever see anything on LS about the MW and whether she divorces and leaves her H. I have read the MW is much more likely to leave her marriage for an AP because she likely developed a deep emotional bond with her OM by the time the A turns physical.

 

I am curious about this elusive MW that is hardly heard about on LS. Can anyone confrim they are out there, and do they leave their BH at the end of the day for the OM?

 

Yes, I left my BH to be with my MM. He promised me the world and gave me an atlas...

 

I am still separated from my BH and gave no intention of reconciling.

[Tsm]

Excuse me, but you and her husband are sneaking around behind her back, f*ing each other. You are wanting him to leave her for you. You want to break up her home and take her husband. One or both of you are gaslighting her to cause her to think you are no longer seeing each other. And you think it is low of her to send an email to your mom?

 

You need to give yourself a reality check.

 

She should have emailed his mother. I dont see how emailing my mother or me for that will help the situation. I'm all for dealing with your partner.

DM hope that he makes a decision soon, whatever it is.

Im not sure about the 1% that leaves, considering the divorce rates in the world. Some leave most dont.

[TinaniT]

My former MM and I are now engaged to be married.