Stay at home spouse, am I being irrational?

[mitchell]

You're on the right track.

 

Your wife needs a maid at least twice a week. She has four children 6 and under. I doubt she has any time to sit down, let alone clean the house. She's overwhelmed and likely embarassed by the condition of your home. She likely views herself as a failure when you criticize. This may well be depressing to her.

 

Do you have family in your area? Have the grandparents take your children for a day. Spend that day at home with your wife cleaning and organizing your home. Then interview some cleaning services or maids and have them come on a regular basis. Show your wife that you understand how difficult things can be with 4 little children and a house to maintain.

[KwwB]

You're on the right track.

 

Your wife needs a maid at least twice a week. She has four children 6 and under. I doubt she has any time to sit down, let alone clean the house. She's overwhelmed and likely embarassed by the condition of your home. She likely views herself as a failure when you criticize. This may well be depressing to her.

 

Do you have family in your area? Have the grandparents take your children for a day. Spend that day at home with your wife cleaning and organizing your home. Then interview some cleaning services or maids and have them come on a regular basis. Show your wife that you understand how difficult things can be with 4 little children and a house to maintain.

 

Only three children 6 and under. 8, 6, 3, 1 are the ages. The 8 and 6 year old are off at school for the majority of the day. But yes, I understand taking care of kids is hard work.

[DaisyLeigh]

Your wife should be doing the dishes and laundry and keeping the home tidy.

 

However, you should make sure to pick up after yourself and your older kids should pick up after themselves and have chores too.

 

I have a BIL who actually expects his wife to come into a room where he is, while she is busy elsewhere, and clean up spilled water or whatever, that he caused. I am sure you are not like that.

 

Also, I am of the mindset that in a normal situation, the working spouse will not die if he/she does some dishes or cleans a toilet sometimes.

 

My only concern is that your kids are living in a form of filth. Even though you work, and it is not fair, if she REFUSES, hire the maid and clean yourself.

[aerogurl87]

Ugh! I could not live with that, whether I was a stay at home mom or worked a regular 9-5. I hate dirtiness because 1) it looks bad 2) smells bad and 3) is a health risk. For the dishes there is this thing called a dishwasher. Takes like 2-3 minutes to load. For the laundry, well it doesn't take that long to do laundry and she can fold it when the kids are sleep or something. Or you can help her do it also.

 

EDIT: By the way do the 8 and 6 year old have chores? If the answer is no, give them some chores to do on weekends or something. I remember when I was 6 my mom told me I had to pick up my toys and make sure they were up off the floor before bed. Something that simple I know helped her out. And by the time I was 8 I was cleaning the entire kitchen about once a week. That included washing and drying the dishes, cleaning off the countertops and table, and sweeping the floor. Give them some chores, that may help her feel less overwhelmed.

Edited October 7, 2010 by aerogurl87

[BellaBellaBella]

I learned to give my husband, myself and my child a bag and each person has to get rid of 27 things. It's fun and a game. It also includes the kids. Sometimes, when things are clean, we go for 9 things a piece.

[porter218]

This must be so stressful for the both of you! I'm a single mom of 2 who works full-time and never do I let my house get that out of control. Kids make messes after you clean up over and over again at those ages. I know because my daughters nickname is "Queen Mess". I am certain your W if feeling depressed and just doesn't know how to get a routine, and keep it. However one thing you said stuck out to be a little strange

 

It also blows my mind that on more than a few occasions our youngest comes into the room where my wife and I are and drops her sippy cup and it spills out some milk on the carpet and my wife doesn't do anything about it.

Do you understand that her job as mother is 24/7 and your job away from home isn't. Afterwork you are supposed to share the parental duties and accept that anything after you get home is just as much your responsibility as hers. If a mess happens when you are home like stated above, why do you feel this is only her problem? Yet it frustrates you that the milk is in the carpet...you are in the room too. I am sure at this same moment she is thinking 'why doesn't he get that? I've been doing it all day'.

Another thing that should eliminate some of these problems is restricting any juice/ beverage or food in any other place other then the kitchen or dinning area. There is no need for kids over 1 yr old to carry juice or milk everywhere they go in the house. This just causes mess. I have his rule and it makes life soo much easier. Your W needs to give the kids some structure as well as herself...and maybe you too. I wish you the best of luck!!!

PS... Just go ahead and get the darn maid too.

[Angel1111]

This 'hoarder' type personality trait is a very dangerous one. I've seen a couple of homes like you're describing and they completely irk my sense of cleanliness. I once had a friend who had 3 kids - he and his wife were separated and he was keeping the house and kids. He asked me to come over one day and help him clean his 2-story, 4,000 sq ft house. I said no problem. Like your wife, I had been friends with this guy for about 3 yrs at the time but he never had me and my (then) husband over to his house. He gave us all kinds of excuses but once I saw the house, I instantly knew why - he was ashamed of it.

 

I spent an entire Saturday cleaning just the downstairs of the house and nearly wretched at how disgusting it was. I was completely exhausted and felt like I wasn't making any headway at all. I ended up having to wear a dust mask. I couldn't believe it. I didn't know things could get dirty like that. Towards the end of the day, I was complaining that my arms were itchy and had red bumps on them. My friend looked at my arms and said, "Oh, those are dust mites." That's when I called it a day.

 

His kids were constantly sick and extremely confused and angry children. To this day, they are totally screwed up. My friend lost a few gf's over these kids. He ended up giving custody back to his ex, even though he won them in court, because she was making a huge issue over it and he caved in. A mistake he'll always regret.

 

I don't know what to tell you about what your wife is doing. This is going to be a tough battle because what constitutes as chaos and filth to you, is normal to her. The only real way to handle it is to make sure the two of you get on the same page by talking about it and coming up with a routine that she sticks with - such as doing laundry on Tuesdays, vacuum on Mon, Wed & Fri, clean bathrooms every Friday, etc. Also, you and the kids can help at night with the dishes. Even when someone stays at home, they do get sick of doing domestic things all the time because it can seem endless. And make sure she understands that if she does laundry, the clothes stay in the laundry room until she is ready to deal with them (which should be done on laundry day). Laundry does not ever need to be on the sofa for any reason unless it's being folded at that moment.

 

Your wife has been shortchanged in the sense that she was never taught the basics in neatness and cleanliness, and the importance of that. If she will acknowledge that, then she can take steps toward correcting it. She needs to understand that with a houseful of kids, organization is the key to keeping a sane household. As far as the carpet is concerned, I would get a carpet cleaning company in there. And if you can afford it, you might want to get a housekeeper to come into your home once a month. Once you talk to her about what you need in your home, then devote one day on the weekend to help get it organized and then when you notice it getting even slightly out of control, make sure you point it out. Perhaps eventually she'll adapt to living in a clean and organized home. If all else fails, suggest to her that the two of you get a live-in nanny or a nanny that stays all day, and your wife go back to work.

 

For your sake and the kids', you need to make sure that this situation stays under control. This would be a total dealbreaker for me if things didn't change.

[Angel1111]

We have also talked about this. I've been more than supportive with having a maid come once, maybe even twice a week until things get under control. My wife has said she will think about it. This conversation has happened four times over the past 6 months. Each time she said she will think about it and get back to me. A few times I've almost called up a maid company but I'm wary of the recourse that could happen when I've told my wife that a maid is coming next week...

 

I didn't read this part where you say you've talked about it and got nowhere. This is a big deal and please don't let this situation beat you down because it's not a negotiable issue. When things sit around in boxes and carpets are dirty, etc. it becomes a health hazard and this effects you and your kids. This is totally unaceptable. The fact that she resists you on this issue isn't good. If I were you, I would give her an ultimatum: either the two of you go to counseling to resolve this issue, or you leave. If you end up leaving, be sure to take pics of the place and be sure she sees you doing it. That might wake her up. I think as long as she believes that you'll stick around in this situation, she has no real motivation to change and she never will.

 

Again, this is a dealbreaker and it's something that she could actually lose custody of her kids over. That's how my friend got custody of his kids. Not that you want to go down that path but I'm just trying to point out to you the seriousness of this situation. You're almost getting numb to it and you don't want to do that.

Edited October 7, 2010 by Angel1111

[porter218]

I have to admit...just reading this thread made me do some serious spring cleaning yesterday haahaha! Threw out a dead printer and stacks of old useless paperwork and headed to Lowes to buy a steam cleaner right now. It's just like everytime I watch an episode of Hoarders I freak out and start OCD cleaning:laugh:.

I hope you guys have come up with a plan. Organizing is key. Everything needs a place. Figuring that out at first will be hard but once in place it will be easier upkeep. How is the progress?? Any?

[BruceLeroy]

My sis is a social worker and one of her cases is a horder. It boiled down to a control thing. The lady had anxiety about people being in the house because she'd had a break in and her fam had been messy horders too. After the break in it triggered this need in her. The mess served to keep people away. The suggestion of getting a cleaning crew in there put this lady into a panic! My sis had to back off about it because after she suggested it the mess got worse and the lady started not letting her in the house.

 

Could it be that you wife is unsure about the cleaning crew for the loss of control it would make her feel?

[carhill]

OP, sometimes it's healthier to ask forgiveness rather than permission. Perhaps plan a little 'visit' for your wife and children with a relative or friend, just for the day. A 'treat'. Then, call the crew in and get it done. What's she gonna do, divorce you? Deny you sex? Beat you with a frying pan? Hey, at least the house will be cleaned up and the kids won't be staring at 3 days ago food laying around.

 

I dealt with a different version of this behavior and had to become comfortable with lying and the meaning of 5150 to get the job done. Sometimes you just gotta get the job done. It's not pleasant. Sometimes it's the toughest, most unpleasant job you'll ever do. IMO, your family's health and sanity are worth it. Good luck

[aerogurl87]

I worked full time, 50-60 hours a week for the first 6 years of my marriage. We adopted three children from foster care and I still was working full time, but I managed to keep a clean house. Now, after having a biological daughter 2 years ago, we have 4 kids and I am a stay at home mom.

 

It is a VERY hard transition to go from the working world to the home world. I am busier now than I ever was when I was working, and I am more stressed out, too now. I have no adult contact during the day unless we go somewhere, and even then, I am having to chase kids around. So I do not get a break at all, all day long. Even when my little one is napping, I am either cleaning, doing school work (I am in graduate school, working on my masters in counseling), updating paperwork, making phone calls for work (I work part time for the Childrens Advocacy Center, the place that does the forensic interviews for children who are abused/raped). It took a good year or so for me to get used to staying at home.

 

My kids are 13, 8, 4, and 2. All of my kids have chores, even the 4 and 2 year old (but they are: 4 year old-feed cats, wipe walls once a week) and the 2 year old helps clean the coffee table and picks up her toys. Each older child has their own laundry day, and I do the laundry for them, but they have to fold their own laundry and put it up.

 

It gives the kids a sense of responsibility and they feel like they are contributing to the family, which builds bonds, self esteem (especially when they are praised for doing such a good job), which makes them want to do more to get more praise and happy feelings.

 

You are doing a good job with your list. I was impressed with how supportive, gentle and caring you seem to be towards your wife. As a future counselor, I would say your wife might be dealing with a little depression/anxiety problems when you talk about her defensive reactions. MC/IC would be a good idea, but realistically, are you going to be able to find time with four little ones to go to counseling together.

 

OP, sometimes it's healthier to ask forgiveness rather than permission. Perhaps plan a little 'visit' for your wife and children with a relative or friend, just for the day. A 'treat'. Then, call the crew in and get it done. What's she gonna do, divorce you? Deny you sex? Beat you with a frying pan? Hey, at least the house will be cleaned up and the kids won't be staring at 3 days ago food laying around.

I dealt with a different version of this behavior and had to become comfortable with lying and the meaning of 5150 to get the job done. Sometimes you just gotta get the job done. It's not pleasant. Sometimes it's the toughest, most unpleasant job you'll ever do. IMO, your family's health and sanity are worth it. Good luck

 

I agree with both bolded parts of these two posts. First, get those kids some chores. There's no reason an 8 year old shouldn't be cleaning up after themselves. It'll teach them responsibility and make it feel like they're contributing to the family's well being. Secondly, get her out of the house for a day and get that house clean. I don't care if she'll be pissed off at you, your children's health is at stake. Do you honestly want them in a filthy house? Because filth attracts not only germs and disease, it also attracts insects and rats. And I don't think you want your children in that type of environment.

[stillafool]

First off I'll state my complaint. I don't feel like my wife does the complete job of a stay at home wife.

 

Now for some background and information.

 

My wife and I have been married for almost 9 years now. We have four children who are the following ages: 8, 6, 3 and 19 months. My wife and I are young, I'm 27 and she is almost 27. Both of us are in good health. (Except for the pounds we both have put on since being married )

 

I work full time M-F and she is a stay at home wife. Before our first child was born she worked nearly up until the due date and since then she hasn't had a job that provides financial income.

 

Growing up my mother kept our home virtually spotless. The house was always clean, laundry didn't sit around for days, she cooked almost every meal for me and my two older sisters and my mother transported us around for school and recreational activities. Growing up she never worked outside the home. She is what I feel a stay at home wife should be. Albeit how spotless the house was I've come to find out is a little neurotic.

 

While dating my spouse I never entered her parent’s home. She always mentioned it was because she was uncomfortable with how much her brothers fought with each other. I took it at that and never thought anything about it. After being married for ~6months I entered her parent’s home for the first time... yikes! I couldn't tell what the carpets natural hue was supposed to be and there was garbage piled along the hallways and just sitting in rooms anywhere from shin to shoulder height. Every room I could see was a complete disaster. There were even rooms I couldn't even get into because of the clutter.

 

So, we both grew up with drastically different definitions of what "clean" means. Day and night if you will...

 

I appreciate the work my wife does do currently and I know I could not do what she does without several weeks of adjustment but I feel that after I got adjusted I would be able to keep a much cleaner and smoothly run home that she does right now.

 

Generally in my home right now, our couch that can comfortably sit six adults when empty can only fit one adult because of all the laundry piled on top of it. The dining table 90% of the time still has dinner on it from the previous night. It's not uncommon for the dining table to have dinner and or various other meals left on it from two, even three days ago. The carpet is so badly stained throughout the house that if we were to ever move I would replace the carpet completely. (It was pristine when we moved in) The kitchen 95% of the time is messy from various objects just left there by the kids or by my wife. Getting up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom is dangerous and I've suffered quite a few injuries whilst trying to do so. Our bedroom is one of the places that just gathers things and those things are generally there for days, weeks, months... I have to weave my way between boxes, garbage bags filled with various things, toys, dishes, ect... to make it to the bathroom.

 

I could go on and on and on with lots of other examples, feelings, how I try to coupe with this mess, what I've done to try and help, what I've done that has hindered ect... I'm curious to see what people say. If you have something like this going on in your life. Could you give me any tips? Insight?

 

What should a stay at home wife do on a daily basis? How clean should the house be? Am I being irrational?

 

OP I would go out of my mind if I had to live in a filthy house. My mom was like yours in that she was a SAHM but kept the house spotless, meals always cooked and on time, had a garden, canned foods, the whole thing. I have dropped by some of my friends who are SAHMs and I too wonder what do they do all day. The house is a mess, the kids are dirty,etc., so I guess you are not alone in the way you feel. I would suggest sitting down with your wife and maybe creating some type of schedule. Children will help do chores if they are shown how and it is expected of them.

[2sure]

Yeah I have to say...given the extent of the mess..that it doesnt sound so much like poor housekeeping or laziness...as it might hoarding, depression, being overwhelmed in general...somwthing like that.

 

But either way...the house has to be cleaned and organized before and while you support her to address those other issues.

[Samantha0905]

My mom had 14 kids and kept the house clean. I look back and wonder how in the world?!

 

Do you help your wife? My husband worked full time and we have two children (they're grown now.) He washed his own laundry, unloaded the dishwasher each morning and made me coffee -- still does for that matter. He did the yard work. Oh -- and he always helped me on the weekends if anything was behind in getting done.

 

Eventually, we had help -- a housekeeper -- which is a GREAT help.

 

Given how you said your wife grew up -- she probably needs help getting organized and getting things going.

 

I know when I was raising two children there were times when I was absolutely exhausted -- and there were times the laundry piled up -- in the laundry room.

 

It can be a downer if one does not work and stays home all day with children. Your wife might be depressed. You're getting out into the world and having interaction -- she is not. I think you should do all you can to help her.

[Angel1111]

I vote for the wife going back to work and hiring a nanny to raise the kids. It might keep the kids from dying of lung disease, and learning these bad habits from their mother.

 

It's time to stop the madness!

[DaisyLeigh]

I have had more time to think about this situation.

 

I do not understand why you don't clean the mess, if she refuses. If it is as bad as you say, and Social Services got involved, you would be held just as liable.

 

Again, YES, it is unfair. You should not have to do EVERYTHING. But, having a fulltime job is not an excuse for your kids living in filth. Single moms do it all of the time. No, you are not single. But, your kids should not be living in that mess.

 

So clean it up. Come up with a schedule, of sorts, for the cleaning. Agree to a couple of the chores yourself, and make sure to pitch in with the kids when you are home. Assign the children some chores. Then let her know that it either stays clean, and you go to counseling, or you cannot be with her. Or something of that nature. I am not meaning that you make threats to her and be nasty. But, goodness, something has GOT to change.

[Angel1111]

I have had more time to think about this situation.

 

I do not understand why you don't clean the mess, if she refuses. If it is as bad as you say, and Social Services got involved, you would be held just as liable.

 

Again, YES, it is unfair. You should not have to do EVERYTHING. But, having a fulltime job is not an excuse for your kids living in filth. Single moms do it all of the time. No, you are not single. But, your kids should not be living in that mess.

 

So clean it up. Come up with a schedule, of sorts, for the cleaning. Agree to a couple of the chores yourself, and make sure to pitch in with the kids when you are home. Assign the children some chores. Then let her know that it either stays clean, and you go to counseling, or you cannot be with her. Or something of that nature. I am not meaning that you make threats to her and be nasty. But, goodness, something has GOT to change.

 

Excellent post, Daisy!

[You Go Girl]

I think the radical changes suggested by some are over the top, and would create havoc in your marriage, stress and distress.

Your wife grew up this way. This is what she knows. To learn another way, after 30 years of life or whatever age she is, is no small task.

 

These things need to change slowly, more naturally. She isn't embracing the maid idea. Therefore, I think that you could start with a task list on the fridge or kitchen wall. Put tasks for your children to do each day. Say, the 8 year old can easily clean up most of the kitchen (except heavy pots and pans, or fine crystal) after dinner. The 6 year old could be cleaning off the table, taking the dishes to the 8 year old, wiping down the chairs and tabletop, sweeping up the crumbs that fell on the floor.

Here's the trick here: If your wife sees her very own children doing more than she does after dinner, she just might change her ways. She will feel better if the mess is smaller, and she will feel that she can tackle it easily and successfully. If all that is left at the end of the day is the heavy pots an pans, she might clean them that night, or clean them the next day before you get home from work.

I wouldn't even focus on your wife. I would focus on your children. How you raise your children to live is important here. I doubt there's a mother in the world that can keep up if 4 children are leaving a trail throughout the house everywhere they go.

There's some interesting psychology in this. You see, if your children are setting the example for the parent, what does that tell the parent? See how it would affect your wife if you get your children in line?

Structure is needed though. If you have dinner anywhere from 5 to 10 at night, it would be difficult for the 6 year old to be doing her part at 10 p.m. on a school night. So dinner does need to be a set time. If your wife makes the dinners, then she needs to agree to a timeframe.

I am definitely not suggesting you start raising your children on your own, separately from your wife. I am suggesting that you talk to your wife, and that the two of you agree to this task list for the children.

I grew up in a chaotic house with 5 children, so I do know what I'm talking about here. There's no cleaning up after that many children if the children themselves have no sense of responsibility.

One of the first things I would tackle is where food is allowed. Sippy cups can't drip on the carpet if they are kept in the kitchen. Potato chips can't end up in the bed if food isn't allowed in the bedrooms. Food needs to stay in the kitchen, unless it is movie night and you are all piled onto that couch eating popcorn, you get the idea.

Rules are needed here. Rules, structure, and then, eventually, new habits. Habits change only slowly. You are asking your wife to change her lifelong habits.

Eating needs to take place sitting down at the table. Not walking around the house, or in bed, etc. Food makes the most mess inside the home, aside from shoes.

Shoes need to come off at the door, everyday, everytime somebody walks in or out. Carpets can't get filthy easily if shoes are taken off at the door and food is kept in the kitchen.

Toy boxes, laundry boxes, if you can't afford expensive ones for each bedroom then simply use cardboard boxes from some item. Every child has a laundry box. Every child has a toybox. No clothing or toys are allowed on the floor unless they are currently being played with.

The 4 ideas I listed above are only 4 simple things, and they will make a vast difference in your home.

Start there, with a talk with your wife about the kids helping her out so that she doesn't feel so overwhelmed. Take the load of blame off her shoulders and spread it around. You'll be tackling several things at once: lightening her load, blame, and responsibility, increasing your children's load and responsibility, and teaching them good habits, instead of those your wife grew up with.

It will be an awakening to your wife to think that she can raise her own children differently than from how she was raised. She will be impressed to see them not having the same 'disease'. But nip it in the bud though, because time is of the essence here; those children are forming their lifelong habits NOW.

[Zapbasket]

I have learned so much reading this thread. Wow, what great responses you received, OP.

 

First of all, OP, I am so impressed with how compassionate you seem to be towards your wife. Rather than allow your frustration to express itself in judgment of her character or motives, you have managed to keep focused on the problem at hand and possible solutions. A lot of people in your shoes would not be able to muster such empathy and objectivity. Your wife is a very lucky woman; I hope when I am married that my husband is as kind and solution-oriented as you seem to be.

 

As big a mess (literally) as things seem to be now, I think the whole situation represents an amazing growth opportunity for all of you together as a family. I agree with Yougogirl and others who say the first step is to shift the focus off your wife and onto all of you. Each person in the household can lend a hand towards making your shared home a healthy, pleasing, comfortable place to come home to. Shared chores are, when you think about it, the truest essence of the terms "home" and "family." We all cherish more those things in which we have a stake, rather than the things that are just handed to us. Chores well and regularly done make everyone feel a personal satisfaction in the positive result.

 

I don't think I have anything additional to add that a previous poster has not already said. You're on the right track; you'll get there

[stillafool]

My mom had 14 kids and kept the house clean. I look back and wonder how in the world?!

 

Do you help your wife? My husband worked full time and we have two children (they're grown now.) He washed his own laundry, unloaded the dishwasher each morning and made me coffee -- still does for that matter. He did the yard work. Oh -- and he always helped me on the weekends if anything was behind in getting done.

 

Eventually, we had help -- a housekeeper -- which is a GREAT help.

 

Given how you said your wife grew up -- she probably needs help getting organized and getting things going.

 

I know when I was raising two children there were times when I was absolutely exhausted -- and there were times the laundry piled up -- in the laundry room.

 

It can be a downer if one does not work and stays home all day with children. Your wife might be depressed. You're getting out into the world and having interaction -- she is not. I think you should do all you can to help her.

 

I'm just curious. How is your mom was able to keep her house clean with 14 kids and you were exhausted with two? Did you work outside the home? I'm certainly not judging you in any way, I'm just curious what has changed to deplete our energy. I too can't do all that my mother did at my age and I wonder why.

[controlledchaos]

hi!

i didn't read your entire thread, but wanted to weigh in because i've been there, am there, personally.

 

well, to some degree. i am a stay at home mom to 5 kids. oldest is just 9 and youngest will be 2 soon. 5 kids in 7.5 yrs. it's insane most days. and my house suffers because of it a lot. BUT, i still want things clean even if they can't be the way i really want them.

 

however, your wife wasn't raised like that. she wasn't raised in a clean, neat and tidy house. so, she more than likely doesn't have that same desire to have a clean house and just not be able to obtain it. i want the clean and spotless house. i just cannot obtain it most days.

 

all of my kids are at home. i homeschool 3rd, 2nd, 1st, and preschool. the kids have "chores." they earn tokens for all of the help they give me, such as cleaning up a mess they made or a sibling made. at the end of the week they get to shop from the "family store" which is a box of stuff worth various amounts that is all from the dollar section at target. stuff like pencils, stickers, crayons, socks, glow in the dark bracelets, etc. they are more helpful now because there is incentive.

 

for laundry i started a system a few years ago ( when i only had 3 kids) where each person in the house got assigned a day for all their laundry. and that was all i did that day. so, mine was fridays. for example, my oldest daughter is monday. i do her clothes and sheets on monday. and so forth down the line of the family. when doing it this way i can usually wash and dry and fold one or two loads of laundry each day. and they belong to ONE person and therefore all get put in the same room and the same closet, etc. this worked well until i started homeschooling.

 

so, now, my oldest three have to also put their clothes away as well. and if they don't put their clothes away then i don't wash their dirty clothes. i just have too much to do, and they are all more than capable. so, laundry pilling up is an issue in my house. it just never ends, EVER! am i happy about that, no. but, there is only one of me and only so many hours in the day that i'm willing and able to do things like laundry.

 

i have a feeling i'm like your wife in the emotional aspect of your helping her. i know i would often end up feeling inferior or like a failure when my STBX would come in behind me and do something. yes, we are home all day. but, our days is not really meant to be spent cleaning as much as it is meant to be spent with our children. if your wife has 2+ kids at home she is probably spending a lot of time with them just keeping them busy and entertained. it's VERY easy to sit them in front of the TV and then clean. or to send them to a sitter or friends house and do the same. i know people who do that. and their homes are very neat and tidy. also, once the kids are all out of the house during the day there won't be any little people to make messes and therefore less work for her to be doing CONSTANTLY.

 

i don't know if you have sons, but OH MY GOSH! i had a boy this last time and he is like a one man tornado. he can trash my house so fast it's not funny. i spend more time just following his messes during the day than probably anything else. meal times are just awful because he THROWS food! and so yeah, after dealing with 5 kids and one thrower 3 times a day or more because of snacks and what not, the last thing i want to do at the end of my day is mop the floor and do the dishes. often i wait til the next day. that would aggrivate my STBX and he'd make comments about not wanting to see a sink full of dishes in the morning. so, he'd do them himself. it did make me feel like a failure because i was feeling like the rest of the stuff i DID DO just wasn't as good as if i had done the dishes.

 

i am not perfect. but i do try my hardest to be a great mom. i know women who are amazing in the house keeping department. they have smaller homes than mine. they have fewer kids than i. and their children are off at school during the day. i guess what i keep reminding myself is that there is a season for everything and right now my season is small kids, and a house that is far from perfect. my carpet is stained too. it's gross but i do vacuum and try to take care of it. i think it's just a side affect of having so many kids in a short amount of time. if your wife knows your grossed out by the way she keeps the house, it's gonna make her feel worse about herself. and the whole maid thing...... we hired one for a short time before he moved out. and the thing with maids is that you do need to clean before they come and clean your house. so, i found it easier to just pick up and declutter and clean all at the same time. i assign myself a room each day and just focus on cleaning that way.

 

get everyone in the habit of THROWING STUFF AWAY! have a yard sale. get rid of everything you and the kids don't use on a weekly or monthly basis. take the kids out of the house for several hours at one time for your wife. let her focus on cleaning without ANYONE there! do this several times a month and see if she can get in a groove. there are some cool apps from itunes for housekeeping. please don't talk down to her about it though. there could be some mental blocks behind it as well. she could be depressed, overwhelmed, etc.

[controlledchaos]

hi! i'm back :-)

i just have a very current example of how things can work in a house where there are a lot of little people around.

 

ok, today. we spent the morning eatting breakfast and cleaning up our bedrooms, putting clothes away, cleaning the basement and tidying up the playrooms and living spaces. tuesday is the day that i take care of the downstairs part of the house. but, my girls trashed their room this weekend and had two baskets of clean clothes that needed get to put away.

 

so, by lunch time the breakfast dishes were still sitting there because i had been busy with other things. after lunch ( we ate late today) i got my son down for his nap. and we went right into schooling. we do school while he's sleeping for the most part. so, for those 2 hrs i was in the school room with my girls. at 4p they were done, he was up, and the neighborhood kids were wanting to play. so, i let them take the two babies out in our backyard.

 

they pushed them on the swings for almost 30 min. and that's when *I* got to do the dishes and clean up the table and floor from lunch AND breakfast. i also got to take out the clothes from the dryer. move the wash into the dryer and fill up the washer again. AND, i got to run the dishwasher too! but, now, i have to run outside since they left the back and entered the front yard. and i still have a MILLION things to do today. and i have to leave my house from 6p till at least 10p tonight because their dad has his night with them tonight. so, when i get home that's when i get to play catch up til i am too tired to do anymore.

 

basically, it's a constantly juggling act. and it truly NEVER ends!

 

take care and good luck! i hope you guys can work something out. :-)

 

 

OH ALSO! my 7 yr old got to earn two additional tokens this afternoon because she cleaned up her brother's mac and cheese that he so kindly tossed all over the kitchen floor :-). he's so sweet, lol. but, that's a great way to have some stress removed from mom and have the kids learn chores and responsibility and earn things all at the same time. ;-)

Edited October 12, 2010 by controlledchaos

[Kendrick]

People can not give you what they do not have to give. So if she wasn't brought up in a tidy home, then chances are she isn't going to give you one or live in one now herself. Its a learned thing, but can be unlearned with time and patience.

[Baroness67]

Sounds like a combination of the lack of a system, your wife being overwhelmed with the kids (that's a lot of kids), different standards and maybe even some depression on her part & resentment on hers that makes her not want to jump to impress you. Maybe you also just have too much stuff.

 

You are the point where the housekeeping has backed up to a point where it's like a credit card bill, you are only chipping away at the interest, not the principal.

 

Best thing to do is to communicate as rationally as you can. No one needs to feel attacked. It's about the stuff, not about your spouse. Of course, your spouse is going to feel it's about her, not the stuff. Your job to help her see the difference.

 

Also, just a dumb thought ... my old cluttered house started to get a lot better when I started to learn to throw things away or donate them. When in doubt, don't hold on to it. Now my house might not ever be 100% what my husband wants it to be, but too bad. It's always 80-90% of what I want it to be at any given time, and if he wants to give me a time that's special where he wants to entertain, it will be 100%. Until then, the rest of us live here, too, and don't have to clean up every second for HIM.