NC and trying to heal

[UntoldStory]

Hi, everyone. I’ve been getting so much inspiration from reading all of your stories and insights and advice. Thank you for sharing them. I just wanted to share my story, so that I’m not a total stranger. Sorry in advance for the super-long post.

 

I guess I should also say that to understand where I’m at you have to either believe that real Rs can begin online, or suspend your disbelief about online Rs… If you don’t fit into one of those categories, you’re likely to think I’m insane, and that’s OK.

 

I’m a MW at the end of a 1 year EA with an MM. xMM is one of those few people in life that you (general you) find you have a crazy, fantastic connection with, common interests, communication style, sex drive, sense of humor, everything. You would think I would have waited to marry someone I had this kind of relationship with, but unfortunately when I was making the decision to get married, I was scared and clueless and had less self-esteem than I have now. Needless to say, I didn’t wait and I got married.

 

Years later, I fell into a passionate EA within weeks of meeting xMM (online). We both knew the other was married with young kids; it was part of what connected us in the first place in a community where most of the other people were either young and single, or much older and married with kids. FWIW, it wasn’t a dating community, and we met through mutual friends.

 

As soon as I understood the true depth/scope of my feelings for this other person, AND knew they were reciprocated, I knew my M was in deep trouble. xMM had the same reaction, and we’ve both been taking our own approaches to dealing with it since then.

 

xMM woke me up, made me feel alive again, made me realize everything I had given up in my M. I dragged my H into MC, and a couple months into MC, we both also decided to go into IC. The bottom line is, we have wonderful kids, but we simply don’t make each other happy, have no common interests except the kids, don’t enhance each other’s lives, and the sad fact is that we never have. I just didn’t know what I was missing because I didn’t believe I deserved more until recently. My M is done and we are working through all of the hard, painful stuff that goes along with a separation and (I feel sure) divorce, especially with young children involved. I am very fortunate that I can support myself and my kids, so financial concerns are not clouding the picture. I can also say, hand on heart (and xMM knows this, too), that the ending of my M has nothing to do with xMM… except for the fact that now I know what I should have been looking for when I got married in the first place.

 

Meanwhile, xMM is totally confused and conflicted. He’s younger than I am and has been married about half as long (and was married very young – early 20’s), so he’s at a different place in his life. He was raised in a religious family and his W is quite religious (more so than he is) and he would really like to feel fulfilled and happy in his marriage so that he can honor his vows. So he is constantly trying to work on it, but he’s still trying to manage these feelings for me.

 

I did continue to talk to xMM throughout all my MC and IC until the spring, when he suddenly dropped out of sight with no explanation. I knew he was totally overwhelmed with work and he had been starting to feel physically ill (aches, pains, stomach probs), so I wasn’t surprised he needed a breather from the stress of trying to figure out 2 Rs. The thing that really bothered me, and that I worked on a lot in IC, was the way he did it – just stopped texting and calling all of a sudden. I had to press him for an answer about what was going on after about 3 weeks of this, because I was really worried about him. The one thing he did tell me, before going into hiding again, was that he was focusing on his M. Which was fine, but a pretty cowardly way to handle giving me the news, IMHO. Would have been nice for him to actually use words to tell me he needed a break to do that, BEFORE he took the break. But maybe that’s just me.

 

When he contacted me again after 3 months, he was trying to keep his distance emotionally at first. But we just have one of those relationships where, even long distance, it will never be just friendship. Within a few weeks we were both sucked back in. 3 months later, he’s pulling back again, sometimes not responding at all to questions, and I’m not going there again. I’m going NC.

 

Like almost everyone here, I never expected to find myself having AN AFFAIR. The one thing that I suppose is lucky (although there are two sides to that coin!) is that xMM & I live half a country apart, and have actually only seen each other in person once. Believe me, it was the best 24 hours I’ve ever spent with another human being, but that was all we had. The feelings and their implication for my M are no less real for that, however. If the timing had been right for us… wow, it would have been really really really good. He is the first person I’ve met in my life that I can envision myself being content sitting in a rocking chair next to when I’m 85

 

The sad thing is, even if he does get to where I am eventually – ie, ready to make the choice to end his marriage because he believes he deserves to be happy, and not just secure -- I don’t know if I’ll still be available. I do not play second string, and I am nobody’s fallback plan.

 

16 days into NC, and I’m doing OK. I have desperate, weepy hours (especially in the morning and evening, and the dreams are non-stop, ugh), but in IC I’ve come to realize that those times are mainly the kid in me throwing a tantrum that she can’t have what she wants when she wants it.

 

I’m pretty sure he’ll be back at some point in the next couple of months, probably in the name of being “friends,” because we never actually agreed on NC – I said I wanted it and he chose not to respond (a lovely conflict management tactic of his), said “I’ll call u later” and… LOL, it’s been 16 days!

 

I just need to somehow find the strength to stick with NC when he does re-emerge, so that I don’t get back onto the roller coaster for myself; I have enough to worry about right now, taking care of my kids while H and I work out the details of the separation. But also, xMM needs to learn that if he’s going to be married, he needs to BE MARRIED with all the good and bad that comes with it. He doesn’t get to use me to fill the gaps anymore while I only get half of him.

 

I also need to find the faith that I’ll find another person I’d like to be sitting in a rocking chair next to at age 85.

 

Anyway, thanks for reading. It’s a pleasure to be here.

Edited October 5, 2010 by UntoldStory
Formatting

[Star_Bright]

I'm sorry to hear your story, I know it is painful. I think you are doing the right thing by focusing on ending your marriage without interference from xMM. And letting him work on his own marriage without interference from you. You really WILL find someone else when the time is right! Good luck, I'm rooting for you!

[UntoldStory]

Thanks, SB. Getting into evening now and my fingers start to get itchy for the phone... it's so sad and yet so very necessary to STAY AWAY right now.

 

I am rooting for you too! Hope everything turns out the way you want it to.

[Star_Bright]

Thanks, SB. Getting into evening now and my fingers start to get itchy for the phone... it's so sad and yet so very necessary to STAY AWAY right now.

 

I am rooting for you too! Hope everything turns out the way you want it to.

 

I know what you mean about itchy fingers. Takes a conscious effort to stay away. I think you sound strong enough to do it though!

 

Thanks to you too.

[September]

I get itchy fingers all the time! It's so hard making yourself not do it...

[bestplayer]

Thanks, SB. Getting into evening now and my fingers start to get itchy for the phone... it's so sad and yet so very necessary to STAY AWAY right now.

 

I am rooting for you too! Hope everything turns out the way you want it to.

 

I think NC would have made more sense when you were trying to work on your marriage in MC . So now when you are done with your M , even if you are in touch with him or some one else it shouldn't be a problem for anyone .

BTW does your H know about your EA ?

[newlife2010]

I just wanted to tell you how much your story resonated with me. I totally understand where you are at.

 

I am a few years more into it than you are (if you're smart, you won't get to the same stage I am with him) but our first year started out exactly the same. I could have written your post. He was (is) the love of my life -- and I knew that before we even met. We didn't "plan" to meet; it wasn't a dating site. But we connected like I never did with my H. Yes... absolutely! You can fall in love with someone online. As long as you can communicate effectively.

 

We too live across the country but have since met multiple times and have spent quite a bit of time together. It only emphasized the feelings.

 

I am divorced (happened at about the same stage that you are at now, and for the same reasons). He is still married.

 

He isn't going to get divorced, even though he promised me that in the beginning. He has a million reasons why he can't/won't. I do believe he loves me... he would not have gone through what we have been through if he didn't. We have never, in the many years, been NC for more than 2 days. He always comes back. He tries to keep it as "friends" but it doesn't stay that way.

 

Now I am doing as you are... trying to believe there is someone else in the world I can feel this way about. It's not easy. I wish you the best!

 

But I think you should accept that he isn't ever going to be available to you full time (it sounds like you already have). I feel for your pain.

[UntoldStory]

Newlife, thank you so much for sharing your story -- it helps to know I'm not the only one this particular "flavor" has happened to. Have you been able to date and move on over the years? Or does it always stay just as fresh... and painful?

 

I think NC would have made more sense when you were trying to work on your marriage in MC. So now when you are done with your M , even if you are in touch with him or some one else it shouldn't be a problem for anyone.

BTW does your H know about your EA ?

 

BP - in fact the timing of the NC in the spring coincided with a lot of the MC and beginning of the IC, and that's when we got most of the really hard emotional work done that's gotten me and H to this point. So I guess it was inaccurate for me to say that I was talking to xMM during all of that. My bad. At any rate, by the time xMM made contact again, I had already decided that H and I needed to separate.

 

No, H doesn't know. It would just cause unnecessary pain at this point, especially since both the M and the A are over. (*Maybe* xMM and I will have a real relationship at some point in the future, but I can't do the A anymore.)

Edited October 6, 2010 by UntoldStory
Oops

[nunyanunya]

Greetings US!

 

I just wanted to add that while my story might not be the same "flavor" as yours, my feelings for my xMW burned relatively brightly for me, albeit rather immaturely. I also couldn't believe that I'd ever cheat. I suddenly found myself being pulled in both directions and didn't have the wherewithal and integrity to decide a healthy proper course of action. You seem to be blessed with a rational head and understand what is good for you, but I too had thoughts like, "How can I feel for anyone else the way I feel about her?" and "Am I always going to compare all my future relationships to this one?".

 

I can assure you that the pain fades. The solution is NC. The trick though, is deciding if you do want to pursue a relationship with him or not. If you KNOW you don't, if you KNOW that right now is a bad time, and you KNOW that you can't just stay in contact, then you'll have to convince yourself (even verbally, repeatedly, to yourself!) that this door is closed closed closed closed. You kind of have to short circuit your "what-if" thought process, and by that I mean, be aware of when your mind is wandering to it so that you can cut it off directly (by literally taking your mind off of it) or steer the thought out to its rational conclusion (it will never work, see? stop thinking about it).

 

After that, since you seem well adjusted, your eyes will open. I can't say that she was the love of my life. I can say that she was the love of my early 20's.

 

I used to worry that all the good ones were being snatched up, but your post makes me realize that there might be a higher likelihood that there are women my age right now who don't know what they want yet, and that I'll meet one later on with a better idea and understanding of herself, (as well as with me and my growth during this time, understanding what I want etc). I can only believe that the same thing, or something similar, is applicable to you. As it stands, you seem to be on much better footing than you might realize. Thank you for your post and welcome!

Edited October 6, 2010 by nunyanunya
clarity

[UntoldStory]

The trick though, is deciding if you do want to pursue a relationship with him or not. If you KNOW you don't, if you KNOW that right now is a bad time, and you KNOW that you can't just stay in contact, then you'll have to convince yourself (even verbally, repeatedly, to yourself!) that this door is closed closed closed closed. You kind of have to short circuit your "what-if" thought process, and by that I mean, be aware of when your mind is wandering to it so that you can cut it off directly (by literally taking your mind off of it) or steer the thought out to its rational conclusion (it will never work, see? stop thinking about it).

Nunya, I really appreciate your insight. This is exactly the place where I'm stuck. I know NC is right and it's the ONLY way out of this limbo I've been in. Clearly, he needs it too, or he would be breaking it himself by now. The timing is absolutely not right for me and xMM, and I need to move on... but it's attaching the "forever" word to it that makes me want to throw up. Maybe that's just where I am right now, still really hurting from the emptiness of missing that connection. It's like meeting him opened a whole new room in my heart that I never knew was there... and now it's so painful to wonder whether it will ever be full again.

 

I used to worry that all the good ones were being snatched up, but your post makes me realize that there might be a higher likelihood that there are women my age right now who don't know what they want yet, and that I'll meet one later on with a better idea and understanding of herself, (as well as with me and my growth during this time, understanding what I want etc).

It's funny, I have this same worry about men! But I can tell you, I know quite a few women going through evolutions right now, similar to mine. Seems to be a mid-30's thing, at least among my friends.

 

As it stands, you seem to be on much better footing than you might realize.

This really touched me, ty. I keep thinking: just put one foot in front of the other, this storm can't last forever... But it's tough going. So it's nice to think that I might be doing better than I think I am!

 

Do you mind sharing more of your story? I'd be really interested to hear a man's POV on a situation like this. Feel free to point me to a thread if that's easier. And thanks again for your post. EDIT: Nvm, found it Yeah, different flavor, same pain! I'm really glad to know you made it through to the other side. Good for you!

Edited October 6, 2010 by UntoldStory
update

[UntoldStory]

FWIW, right this second, I am sick of being strong and rational and careful and respectful. I'm miserable and I miss my friend. I hate this NC s**t.

[Circular]

FWIW, right this second, I am sick of being strong and rational and careful and respectful. I'm miserable and I miss my friend. I hate this NC s**t.

 

I think of all the things I've dealt with the last six months of NC, this has been the one piece that's caused me the most heartache. My experience was similar to yours, but we met at work. There's was a whole new world that opened up and I found myself re-connecting with myself.. it was an eye opening experience and a rare one at that, it's why I say I have no regret over what I did and well fate dealt me a wicked hand.

 

Alas though, I walked away. Actually NC broke recently, we wound up being at the same place for an event. But, I'm back to NC now. That breaking of NC spun me around pretty hard. It took a few days to get myself back but it also gave me some clarity, it gave me the clarity to see that we are both struggling with it in our own ways... that maybe what we do to protect ourselves, though it may feel awful and seem cruel at times, we do out of necessity not because we want to hurt the other person but because we have to...

 

I hate NC, I want my friend back but I also know that right now we are on divergent paths, that someday they may come back together, that someday maybe we can be those friends again that joked about movies, music, books and all the other things we shared similar interests in. I get that itchy finger sometimes and it takes a lot of energy to pull back from the keyboard, to not send a message.

 

There is a time and place for everything, it's just that those times and places aren't aligned with our schedules, sometimes you just have to give it up to the universe.

[UntoldStory]

There is a time and place for everything, it's just that those times and places aren't aligned with our schedules, sometimes you just have to give it up to the universe.

 

I am not a religious person, but I am a spiritual person, and I really believe what you say. But I am still trying to find meaning in why it has to be so unbelievably painful. I feel like if I can somehow find a reason for or a lesson in the pain, it will be easier to bear.

 

Have just been reading your story, C, and the way you describe the connection with your xAP - it's exactly the same. It changed me forever, and maybe that's all I was meant to take away from it, and I should be thankful for that. But I'm human. I want it all.

[newlife2010]

FWIW, right this second, I am sick of being strong and rational and careful and respectful. I'm miserable and I miss my friend. I hate this NC s**t.

 

I hear you.

 

And, to answer your earlier question, that is why, after quite a few years, I'm still in the same spot. Still with him.

 

I am both happy and miserable. But the thought of NC and not being in his life is is worse than anything to me right now, so I understand what you are feeling. I've tried it and not been successful long term. But I am making baby steps towards it.

 

Let me tell you... it just gets harder.

[UntoldStory]

Let me tell you... it just gets harder.

That's what I'm afraid of.

[Circular]

I am not a religious person, but I am a spiritual person, and I really believe what you say. But I am still trying to find meaning in why it has to be so unbelievably painful. I feel like if I can somehow find a reason for or a lesson in the pain, it will be easier to bear.

 

Have just been reading your story, C, and the way you describe the connection with your xAP - it's exactly the same. It changed me forever, and maybe that's all I was meant to take away from it, and I should be thankful for that. But I'm human. I want it all.

 

I think the message from the pain is that you have an incredible capacity to give yourself and love another person with all your heart, why else would it friggen hurt so much?

 

My xAP and I had an incredible connection, a once or twice at most in a lifetime type connection. I wish I could say my W and mine was like that, am working on it. Regardless of the A, those of us that have experienced that type of connection know it's rarity and giving it up just makes it all the more painful.

 

Did it change me forever? Yes, it definitely did. The problem I face now is the knowledge of that connection, that it exists, that as much as both of us knew we had to walk away.. that I know that connection will always exist, that in 10 years if we cross paths again it'll be like no time passed, that it'll be there again... and there is a part of me that wants that, but given reality there's a part of me that needs to stay away from it.

 

Yes, being human sometimes sucks...

[OliveOyl]

I get it. I had a relationship with a MM that was entirely online. I don't care what anyone else says, online relationships can be real. We had an amazing connection (and still do).

 

I was strong and went NC for 2 months. And then just recently broke the NC. I'm not upset about breaking the NC, I'm wasn't subscribing to a firm NC rule. I've learned a lot about myself and what I'm ready for and not ready for right now. Every situation is different.

[nunyanunya]

... but it's attaching the "forever" word to it that makes me want to throw up. Maybe that's just where I am right now, still really hurting from the emptiness of missing that connection. It's like meeting him opened a whole new room in my heart that I never knew was there... and now it's so painful to wonder whether it will ever be full again.

 

I must confess to not yet having swallowed the "never again" pill. That hasn't prevented me from pushing back from ground zero either. because what I've come to realize now is that thinking about the far future and foreverness doesn't actually make any sense anymore. RIGHT NOW (or then in my case, or FOR NOW) it isn't working, and its ok to push back because it needs to happen. As for the future? I'll meet it when it happens. To the point, my mother reconnected with a childhood friend while I was in highschool. To make a long story short, they realized that they had feelings for each other, and he was in a crumbling, childless marriage. However, once it was discovered that his wife was with child and that he made the decision to stay, my mother said goodbye. She said it was very painful. A few years later, he's divorced from her and seeks my mother out. A few years later, they are married! Their anniversary is halloween actually....

 

I didn't say this to give you a false hope. I also want to apologize for making you think that I was suggesting that you should never go back and think about him or leave yourself open to contact in the future when you're ready for it. I wanted to originally say that its easy to sabotage your progress by not wanting to burn a bridge. I haven't burned my bridge, I walked away from it. Who knows whether it will still be there in the future (Who knows it I will WANT it again in the future). So, in short, try not to worry about the future. You have to get there first. (I know this is easier said than done, but its something to remember when your thoughts start turning dark and sad)

 

You probably don't need me to tell you this, but you'll never forget what you learned about yourself from this relationship. There will be another chance for you to express your love!

 

This really touched me, ty. I keep thinking: just put one foot in front of the other, this storm can't last forever... But it's tough going. So it's nice to think that I might be doing better than I think I am!

 

It can't rain forever! To add some perspective to your position, you've already made what seems to be two of the most gut wrenching decisions in this process. (you've realized that your marriage wasn't fair to either of you, and have done what seems to be best for both of you, if I may be so bold, and you've also decided that NC is the proper approach because otherwise you'll just continue to hurt yourself worse.) As you might read around here (I'm not putting anyone down) many people haven't gotten this far. They have stories spanning years and years, still married and miserable. You're also single, so when you're ready, you're open to finding the right person. You never frikkan know!

 

So you're doing the right thing, and it hurts now, and IT DOES GET BETTER. It took me half a year to fully implement NC. I started it and got weak quite a few times before I said enough was enough.

 

Good luck!

Edited October 8, 2010 by nunyanunya
clarity

[UntoldStory]

Having a really tough morning for some reason. Couldn't sleep from like 3am on... Nothing makes sense this morning, I miss xMM, and I really really want to know why he can seemingly do NC so effortlessly right now, if we both felt the same things. Want to text him just to scratch that itch but I KNOW it would be 100% the wrong thing to do...

 

Sorry, just needed to get that out there. On with the day.