amerikajin Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 I understand about her clock. I bought her a ring today but last she told me she was done with this relationship and I know she is making some plans with this other guy. Do I propose or is it a lost cause? Sometimes in life, opportunities come...and go. This one has probably gone, my friend. Let it go. Think about what happened and think about how you can grow from it.
Author ocn307 Posted October 6, 2010 Author Posted October 6, 2010 Don't let it get to you. Get to a point where you expect this and speed up the moving out process as much as you can. Be glad she is his problem now. You think I should speed up her move? not sure if that would make me feel better, but in reality having her here, and her carrying on with her ex just kills me. I am glad that she is his problem now. He can make his promises to her and try to deliver. They can do the same thing to each other as they did to me. He'll probably chase the next guy's girlfriend and dump her or maybe she will start another relationship while dating him. I know I should be better in the long run but its been a great relationship that I hate to see end - it hurts like hell.
Woggle Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 and shes not sticking around. Look there are plenty of bad women out there but that doesn't mean they are at fault for everything. Imagine if this was your daughter and she was 34 with a guy that hasn't proposed. No father would be happy about that. If he were my son I would congratulate on dodging a bullet. Marriage is just a piece of paper anyway.
amerikajin Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 7 years is a long time. Frankly, you should have proposed after no more than 5. Unlike you, she has the biological clock. Even if you proposed after 5 years, she's 32 and still fairly young. Now she's 34, a mid 30s woman, and even if the other guy proposes and they marry and have a kid, she's going to be in her late 30s. Not what she had in mind. It's just me, but I think that 1-2 years is about the right time frame. Anything less than a year and you risk not knowing enough about your partner; anything longer than two, though, and there's a risk of an indefinite live-in relationship that leads to nowhere, and that's what seemed to be happening here. No offense to the OP, but he got the ring only after she had already broken up with him.
Woggle Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 You think I should speed up her move? not sure if that would make me feel better, but in reality having her here, and her carrying on with her ex just kills me. I am glad that she is his problem now. He can make his promises to her and try to deliver. They can do the same thing to each other as they did to me. He'll probably chase the next guy's girlfriend and dump her or maybe she will start another relationship while dating him. I know I should be better in the long run but its been a great relationship that I hate to see end - it hurts like hell. Yes. get her out as quick as possible and move on.
lkjh Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 It's just me, but I think that 1-2 years is about the right time frame. Anything less than a year and you risk not knowing enough about your partner; anything longer than two, though, and there's a risk of an indefinite live-in relationship that leads to nowhere, and that's what seemed to be happening here. No offense to the OP, but he got the ring only after she had already broken up with him. Thats the key part. He only acted when she broke up with him
Author ocn307 Posted October 6, 2010 Author Posted October 6, 2010 Dude there is no justifying cheating and read some of my post because besides Dexter I am probably one of the hardest people on cheaters. Ya the guy contacted her early on and he couldn't pull her away from you. Why do you think its working now? Look you didn't propose because most likely there was no pressure to. Now that she is leaving, you are willing to do it. It is probably too late now. You can propose and see what happens but she is probably resentful. I am sorry you are going through this but what do you expect her do? She lost feelings for you and your actions are in a ver real way responsible for this. I never side with the cheater and I am not siding with her but I can see why she is leaving. Live and learn Also man plenty of my friends got engaged while in college. You could have at least had a serious conversation with her. If you were waiting for the perfect time than sorry but there will never be a perfect time. I am new here so I don't know anything about who posts what here yet. I certainly am living and learning. Its my fault and I feel horrible about it. There was no right time to discuss it, but I expected her to complain to me, not her ex. There was no pressure. It was difficult to have any conversation about our finances so future planning was difficult. I always remedied any situation she had in the past, she never wanted for anything. She was treated like my queen. Why do I think the ex is able to pull her now? She must have had a change of heart w/ me or likely always had a weak spot for this guy and she would have left me for him anyway. I dunno.
lkjh Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 If he were my son I would congratulate on dodging a bullet. Marriage is just a piece of paper anyway. To you but it means something to other people. You defiantly dodged the question. I think you are letting your personal feeling interfere with your advice. You have to look from the outside in and put your prejudice aside. What you tell your daughter if she was with a guy for 7 years and he still wouldn't propose or plan for kids because he is waiting for the perfect time? Straight up answer that, don't dance around it
Woggle Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 To you but it means something to other people. You defiantly dodged the question. I think you are letting your personal feeling interfere with your advice. You have to look from the outside in and put your prejudice aside. What you tell your daughter if she was with a guy for 7 years and he still wouldn't propose or plan for kids because he is waiting for the perfect time? Straight up answer that, don't dance around it I would tell her to not wait that long if she wanted marriage.
Author ocn307 Posted October 6, 2010 Author Posted October 6, 2010 It's just me, but I think that 1-2 years is about the right time frame. Anything less than a year and you risk not knowing enough about your partner; anything longer than two, though, and there's a risk of an indefinite live-in relationship that leads to nowhere, and that's what seemed to be happening here. No offense to the OP, but he got the ring only after she had already broken up with him. that's right, i got her a ring after the fact. i couldn't afford it before and I really can't now. I own a business that I've struggled to stay kept afloat. I have exhausted all my investments, savings and retirement keeping my business and home in good standing. we sacrificed, she went to college and got a degree. we talked about having kids after she graduated -which was in June of this year.
Author ocn307 Posted October 6, 2010 Author Posted October 6, 2010 To you but it means something to other people. You defiantly dodged the question. I think you are letting your personal feeling interfere with your advice. You have to look from the outside in and put your prejudice aside. What you tell your daughter if she was with a guy for 7 years and he still wouldn't propose or plan for kids because he is waiting for the perfect time? Straight up answer that, don't dance around it I would tell my daughter that if it means something to her, then open up the conversation w/ her man. My girl hinted but never did actually want to have a definitive discussion to plan it. She knew we were both waiting for her to graduate. To me, marriage is just a piece of paper. I wanted kids, just like she did. It didn't happen.
lkjh Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 I would tell my daughter that if it means something to her, then open up the conversation w/ her man. My girl hinted but never did actually want to have a definitive discussion to plan it. She knew we were both waiting for her to graduate. To me, marriage is just a piece of paper. I wanted kids, just like she did. It didn't happen. That question was directed at woggle. But let me ask when did she start school and when did she finish. Also you didn't have to get married while in school but at least you could have talked about it. She may not have communicated well but do you really want us to believe that you had no clue that she wanted to get married and have kids before she was in her late 30's? Look man its a bummer but do you really think that if this OM didn't come along everything would be fine and dandy?
Author ocn307 Posted October 6, 2010 Author Posted October 6, 2010 She may not have communicated well but do you really want us to believe that you had no clue that she wanted to get married and have kids before she was in her late 30's? Look man its a bummer but do you really think that if this OM didn't come along everything would be fine and dandy? I never said that I didn't have a clue she wanted marriage or kids, so why would I expect someone to believe that? also, I don't know where 34 is considered late 30s either. If OM didn;t come along, then the problem would exist and be able to be addressed without interference of some fool offering stuff like a job where he lives 3000 miles away, a child, marriage, new car etc when he hasn't even seen her in 5 yrs.
durkadurka Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 I never said that I didn't have a clue she wanted marriage or kids, so why would I expect someone to believe that? also, I don't know where 34 is considered late 30s either. If OM didn;t come along, then the problem would exist and be able to be addressed without interference of some fool offering stuff like a job where he lives 3000 miles away, a child, marriage, new car etc when he hasn't even seen her in 5 yrs. Buddy, this whole thread is a joke. It's not often I say this but you effing deserved this. You seem to think the whole world works on your schedule and needs. Well guess what, the price is wrong b*tch. He doesn't need to be a great guy, she just needed you to be boring and inactive. You did it, and that was enough for her to justify dumping your oblivious ass.
Allisha Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 So, in a nutshell, OP, as you like things nice & clear: - She is no longer your girlfriend. So, technically, he's not trying to steal her anymore. - Are you STILL sleeping with her? If you are, STOP IT for eff sake. - Move her out A.S.A.P, tell her to take everything so she has no reason to contact you. - Go no contact. This includes contacting the other guy. - Move on with your life and try to read the signs better next time with your next girlfriend. If you simply do not want to get married, you have to let your partner know earlier on in the relationship so she understands the deal.
lkjh Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 I never said that I didn't have a clue she wanted marriage or kids, so why would I expect someone to believe that? also, I don't know where 34 is considered late 30s either. If OM didn;t come along, then the problem would exist and be able to be addressed without interference of some fool offering stuff like a job where he lives 3000 miles away, a child, marriage, new car etc when he hasn't even seen her in 5 yrs. I didn't say 34 is late 30's, I mean she would be in her late 30's by the time you got around to doing something if you chose to do anything at all.
JamesM Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 If OM didn;t come along, then the problem would exist and be able to be addressed without interference of some fool offering stuff like a job where he lives 3000 miles away, a child, marriage, new car etc when he hasn't even seen her in 5 yrs. Actually, the OM may be desirable to your GF simply because she has had this restless feeling for quite some time. Odds are that if she was happy as it is, then the OM would not be a problem for you. And it is also entirely possible that the OM is her way of putting pressure on you. If you didn't have this OM, then since you have waited seven years to address this issue, then you would keep moving along at a leisurely pace. I say that knowing that I am no different.
DustySaltus Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 When she contacted the other man 2 years into the relationship, that was a big red falg then and there. She was obviously looking for something that was missing in the relationship. Marriage should never be a reaction to a situation. I have to agree with JamesM on that if you didn't propose after 7 years there's probably an issue within yourself that you need to resolve. Maybe it's a fear of commitment, I don't know. Either way, she made a decision and she's got to love with it. Sure, at the beginning of a relationship during the honeymoon period everything looks so fresh and new...but eventually LIFE happens. Then somewhere down the line she'll realize that and look for someone new again. She's trying to fill a void within herself through someone else when she should be filling that void ON HER OWN.
Author ocn307 Posted October 7, 2010 Author Posted October 7, 2010 Buddy, this whole thread is a joke. It's not often I say this but you effing deserved this. You seem to think the whole world works on your schedule and needs. Well guess what, the price is wrong b*tch. He doesn't need to be a great guy, she just needed you to be boring and inactive. You did it, and that was enough for her to justify dumping your oblivious ass. you're a joke pal. its obvious you have your own personal view of the whole thing, regardless of what I actually state. you're typical trolling d-bag and you're advice is just about worthless. everyone else here doesn't seem to have a chip on their shoulder. apparently you seem angry, frustrated and judgmental probably due to your own pathetic string of failures.
Author ocn307 Posted October 7, 2010 Author Posted October 7, 2010 So, in a nutshell, OP, as you like things nice & clear: - She is no longer your girlfriend. So, technically, he's not trying to steal her anymore. - Are you STILL sleeping with her? If you are, STOP IT for eff sake. - Move her out A.S.A.P, tell her to take everything so she has no reason to contact you. - Go no contact. This includes contacting the other guy. - Move on with your life and try to read the signs better next time with your next girlfriend. If you simply do not want to get married, you have to let your partner know earlier on in the relationship so she understands the deal. thanks allisha (yes, we have been still 'sleeping' together- tough habit for both of us to break) and thank you to the rest of you who gave thoughtful, useful advice.
durkadurka Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 you're a joke pal. its obvious you have your own personal view of the whole thing, regardless of what I actually state. you're typical trolling d-bag and you're advice is just about worthless. everyone else here doesn't seem to have a chip on their shoulder. apparently you seem angry, frustrated and judgmental probably due to your own pathetic string of failures. Pathetic string of failures? You're the one that neglected your girls needs. Need a hanky? I hope you enjoy waddling your ass back to the jeweler. What priceless response are you going to give them when they ask why you're returning it?
Don Ho Posted October 8, 2010 Posted October 8, 2010 I love a little mud slinging between members! Ocn, you keep blaming this on the OM. If it wasn't him, it would be another guy. You had your chance, you didn't pull through for whatever reason. She decided to leave you. That's just the way love and life works. Sorry, but you're out Bro. Move on.
Author ocn307 Posted October 9, 2010 Author Posted October 9, 2010 Pathetic string of failures? You're the one that neglected your girls needs. Need a hanky? I hope you enjoy waddling your ass back to the jeweler. What priceless response are you going to give them when they ask why you're returning it? neglected? oh, ok. mr know it all troll is going to give me a history of my relationship now. getting my money back was no problem. i needed no explanation- its called a written return policy. if you ever shopped anyplace other than walmart you might be aware of these things. you're like firing blanks man, get a grip. you're even a pathetic loser at trolling.
Author ocn307 Posted October 9, 2010 Author Posted October 9, 2010 I love a little mud slinging between members! Ocn, you keep blaming this on the OM. If it wasn't him, it would be another guy. You had your chance, you didn't pull through for whatever reason. She decided to leave you. That's just the way love and life works. Sorry, but you're out Bro. Move on. I know it was my inaction, as I stated before but that's no justification for resolving a problem by talking to another man. so if that's what you want to believe even though I've stated otherwise that's your own comprehension issue. I've never thought it was acceptable to end a relationship by beginning another - you may think its ok. she had a revelation today and decided it was wrong to talk to this clown. he was just a symptom of our problem. i don't know how it will work out, at this point we both need some time. there was some damage done but I don't believe all is lost and I am not quite 'out' yet either.
Allisha Posted October 9, 2010 Posted October 9, 2010 thanks allisha (yes, we have been still 'sleeping' together- tough habit for both of us to break) and thank you to the rest of you who gave thoughtful, useful advice. Okay, sorry. But WHAT? A tough habit for both of you to break? that has to be one of the most ridiculous things I've read on this forum. ever. Stop sleeping together and exercise some self control for once. You're being stupid.
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