ocn307 Posted October 5, 2010 Posted October 5, 2010 I have been with my girlfriend for about 7 yrs. We've both thought about marriage but never put the conversation together. The pressure was on because of the length of the relationship and the fact her younger sister had a baby and got married two months ago. About two weeks ago I was informed the relationship was over and my girl was moving out. I found out there was another man from her past who she had a 1 yr relationship with when she was 20 (now she's 34). This is not the first time he has interfered. About 2 yrs in I found out he was calling her. So the situation now is, the reason she wants out is that I had my chance to propose and marry her and she got sick of waiting and claims her feelings have changed. Meanwhile she is talking to this guy who is trying to convince her that I had my chance and he wants to be her husband and all this other big talk for a guy who IMO had his chance long ago. I really don't know how much she could care for this old ex, but she is still sleeping w/me. She will be here for about another 3 weeks. I had some major migraine problems which prevented me from doing a lot of things, made my work difficult, but I managed to start a business and buy a condo for us during this time. I really didn't feel like there was a deadline and eventually it would happen. Apparently not in her eyes. I don't know whether to confront this guy via email/phone. He is trying to woo her away from the east coast to cali. I also have a feeling he may be coming into the area to meet her. I really want this guy out of the picture as he is doing his best to sabotage my chances, its a difficult situation as it is w/o him prying. Can anyone tell me if I can derail this seemingly out of my control situation? thanks.
JamesM Posted October 5, 2010 Posted October 5, 2010 With all due respect...you have had seven years to propose and have not done so.....why? When you say that thought it would "eventually happen," by what method did you think it would happen? Did you expect her to propose or you to propose or what? Do you think maybe this guy is being used as some leverage to get you to make a decision? Your GF is 34 and her biological clock is ticking. My guess is that she may want children. She has figured that if you haven't proposed after seven years, then you are not going to propose. So, as she gets older, she needs to decide for her own life what will happen. The ball is in your court. Either you want to marry her or you don't. If you don't...fine, then move on. if you do, them make some decisions quickly. My guess is that you have avoided this life changing decisions for your own reasons, but now you must confront this head on.
durkadurka Posted October 5, 2010 Posted October 5, 2010 Bro, 7 years and you guys haven't even discussed common law? I mean, I hate to be the ass that pointed it out. She's not your girlfriend anymore apparently.
Author ocn307 Posted October 5, 2010 Author Posted October 5, 2010 I understand about her clock. I bought her a ring today but last she told me she was done with this relationship and I know she is making some plans with this other guy. Do I propose or is it a lost cause?
Woggle Posted October 5, 2010 Posted October 5, 2010 Let him have her because she's his problem now. Whatever you do do not propose because a marriage will not work out.
Author ocn307 Posted October 5, 2010 Author Posted October 5, 2010 Let him have her because she's his problem now. Whatever you do do not propose because a marriage will not work out. can you explain why it wont work? i am bad with this stuff and sometimes I need things spelled out a bit.
Woggle Posted October 5, 2010 Posted October 5, 2010 can you explain why it wont work? i am bad with this stuff and sometimes I need things spelled out a bit. If she is willing to leave because some guy in the past came along then she has future walkaway wife written all over her. She is easily swayed by the charms of another man.
durkadurka Posted October 5, 2010 Posted October 5, 2010 I understand about her clock. I bought her a ring today but last she told me she was done with this relationship and I know she is making some plans with this other guy. Do I propose or is it a lost cause? Desperate lost cause. Women have an expiry date for men, you have until a certain point but when they are done with you, they are done with you.
Author ocn307 Posted October 5, 2010 Author Posted October 5, 2010 If she is willing to leave because some guy in the past came along then she has future walkaway wife written all over her. She is easily swayed by the charms of another man. Even after 7 years and me not proposing, you don't think she had a good enough reason to look? probably not huh?
durkadurka Posted October 5, 2010 Posted October 5, 2010 If she is willing to leave because some guy in the past came along then she has future walkaway wife written all over her. She is easily swayed by the charms of another man. Not easily, the chump had 7 years. If he didn't see that she wanted to get married, it was never going to work.
durkadurka Posted October 5, 2010 Posted October 5, 2010 Even after 7 years and me not proposing, you don't think she had a good enough reason to look? probably not huh? Dude, she gave you 7 ****ing years. 7 years!!!!! Women HOLD onto things really hard, but when they are done they are done. My ex got sick of me not proposing after just shy of 3 years.
Woggle Posted October 5, 2010 Posted October 5, 2010 Even after 7 years and me not proposing, you don't think she had a good enough reason to look? probably not huh? No. She wants to get married because her sister did and when her sister divorces she will follow her as well. She seems like one of those women who follow the pack. When the women around her marry she does likewise and when they divorce she follows. If a woman truly loves a man a ring won't matter. You just saved yourself from a marriage to a woman that would be settling for you. The women who are the most admamant about a wedding are also the first to want to split.
durkadurka Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 No. She wants to get married because her sister did and when her sister divorces she will follow her as well. She seems like one of those women who follow the pack. When the women around her marry she does likewise and when they divorce she follows. If a woman truly loves a man a ring won't matter. You just saved yourself from a marriage to a woman that would be settling for you. The women who are the most admamant about a wedding are also the first to want to split. I think you're a bit too cynical. Healthy cynicism is good.. but this might be taking things a bit too far.
lkjh Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 Woggle I think you are way off. Im really hard on cheaters and notice a lot of women are extremely selfish about cheating but come on. She gave him 7 years and he didn't propose and shes 34. What else can you want from her? She probably wants a family and children and this guy robbed her of most of her life(the part where she can have children).
carhill Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 One pertinent component is the reality that she and this other man have been in contact since very early in the OP's relationship with her, long before pressures for marriage and children would have been a factor. That they've remained in contact, but this man was not a friend of the relationship apparently, is worthy of consideration when apportioning responsibility for the apparent failure of this relationship. OP's been twiddling his thumbs and GF's been diddling, figuratively or literally, some other guy. Not exactly a healthy recipe for anything. OP, IMO, there's nothing to win here. There's only levels of losing. Up to you where you want to end up. Personally, I'd drop her off at the Green Acres sign and call it done. Glad to read you no longer have migraines. Those suck big time. My sympathies. Welcome to LS
Don Ho Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 Bro, sorry about your situation, but I kind of think you're on the wrong track. You think it's because of this other guy and if he was out of the way it would all be good. I don't think so. I think blaming him for "interfering" and saying she left you because of him and because her clock is ticking is a diversion from the truth: she does not want to be with you anymore. The migraines, the "I thought we had time", it's because of HIM are just all excuses so you don't have to admit to yourself that it's you. No, do not contact him. I think it make you look like a weak fool. If some guy contacted me I would tell him "Bro, why the fck are you talking to me? Go talk to your Ex. If she wants you back fine, but don't come to me with it". It is up to the WOMAN. It always is. She can date him or anyone else she wants. The reality is telling him anything won't do anything. Hate to say it to you, but regardless of the reason, I think it's over and done and you're going to have to move on with your life.
Mad Max Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 7 years is a long time. Frankly, you should have proposed after no more than 5. Unlike you, she has the biological clock. Even if you proposed after 5 years, she's 32 and still fairly young. Now she's 34, a mid 30s woman, and even if the other guy proposes and they marry and have a kid, she's going to be in her late 30s. Not what she had in mind.
Lemontang Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 Dude I was 8 years before I proposed and to be honest I felt I had to more than I actually wanted to. For me it was a good thing though as it helped us realise finally that this wasn't what we wanted, 6 months later we broke up and have been great friends since. But in saying that it's clear your girl lost patience and has been shopping around because of this. If you actually really do love her then IMO (going against the grain of others) you should propose but if only to see if this will play out to marriage (it may not make it past engagement). At the end of the day she can always say no. But I do stress do this only if you want her and love her not because you fear losing her. I would have said prenup too, but that's pretty much null & void since you've been together so long a defacto view would class it the same as marriage anyway (well in Australia at least).
Author ocn307 Posted October 6, 2010 Author Posted October 6, 2010 Woggle I think you are way off. Im really hard on cheaters and notice a lot of women are extremely selfish about cheating but come on. She gave him 7 years and he didn't propose and shes 34. What else can you want from her? She probably wants a family and children and this guy robbed her of most of her life(the part where she can have children). That's quite a take you have on this situation but its pretty dumb to assume you have the whole story here. I haven't robbed anyone of anything. She was in college while I supported her for the past 7 years and kids were not going to happen while working and going to school full time. Maybe you can, and are better than the two of us. I am willing to marry and give her children. She, on the other hand has been talking to this guy she dated when she was 20 while we are together and has decided to move on with him. I am sure they can make as many babies as she wants - and its not with me - but I didn't rob anyone except myself. I don't want to be raising kids and watch them graduate when I am 60 but it looks as if that's the way its going. Bottom line is she is carrying on a relationship with her ex, while living in my house. She probably would have done this eventually anyway and how fair would that be to children? yeah, and as if there is ANY justification for cheating, infidelity or broken trust.
Woggle Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 Woggle I think you are way off. Im really hard on cheaters and notice a lot of women are extremely selfish about cheating but come on. She gave him 7 years and he didn't propose and shes 34. What else can you want from her? She probably wants a family and children and this guy robbed her of most of her life(the part where she can have children). He didn't rob her of anything. He didn't force her to stay around and I will be more sympathetic to women's desire for a ring when I stop seeing so many wanting to throw it away the minute a man actually is commited.
Author ocn307 Posted October 6, 2010 Author Posted October 6, 2010 Bro, sorry about your situation, but I kind of think you're on the wrong track. You think it's because of this other guy and if he was out of the way it would all be good. I don't think so. I think blaming him for "interfering" and saying she left you because of him and because her clock is ticking is a diversion from the truth: she does not want to be with you anymore. The migraines, the "I thought we had time", it's because of HIM are just all excuses so you don't have to admit to yourself that it's you. understand i had migraines every day for 2.5 years then a few times a week for several years after. i still see a neurologist to this day. its not an excuse, its a condition we both dealt with. there is no excuse IMO for interfering with someone elses relationship. Its mostly my fault for my inaction - I get that. No, do not contact him. I think it make you look like a weak fool. If some guy contacted me I would tell him "Bro, why the fck are you talking to me? Go talk to your Ex. If she wants you back fine, but don't come to me with it". It is up to the WOMAN. It always is. She can date him or anyone else she wants. The reality is telling him anything won't do anything. Hate to say it to you, but regardless of the reason, I think it's over and done and you're going to have to move on with your life. I feel like this guy is a coward for chasing a woman in a relationship. Its not the first time with this guy either. I am more inclined to contact his face with my fist but.... You're right though, it will accomplish nothing and its over and done. I am just downright insulted/hurt that she persistently continues to communicate with this fool while living with me.
Woggle Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 Don't let it get to you. Get to a point where you expect this and speed up the moving out process as much as you can. Be glad she is his problem now.
Author ocn307 Posted October 6, 2010 Author Posted October 6, 2010 He didn't rob her of anything. He didn't force her to stay around and I will be more sympathetic to women's desire for a ring when I stop seeing so many wanting to throw it away the minute a man actually is commited. thanks for the support woggle. true, she was there on her own free will. i supported her while she put herself through college. She acted like she didn't care so much about marriage as long as we were together.
lkjh Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 That's quite a take you have on this situation but its pretty dumb to assume you have the whole story here. I haven't robbed anyone of anything. She was in college while I supported her for the past 7 years and kids were not going to happen while working and going to school full time. Maybe you can, and are better than the two of us. I am willing to marry and give her children. She, on the other hand has been talking to this guy she dated when she was 20 while we are together and has decided to move on with him. I am sure they can make as many babies as she wants - and its not with me - but I didn't rob anyone except myself. I don't want to be raising kids and watch them graduate when I am 60 but it looks as if that's the way its going. Bottom line is she is carrying on a relationship with her ex, while living in my house. She probably would have done this eventually anyway and how fair would that be to children? yeah, and as if there is ANY justification for cheating, infidelity or broken trust. Dude there is no justifying cheating and read some of my post because besides Dexter I am probably one of the hardest people on cheaters. Ya the guy contacted her early on and he couldn't pull her away from you. Why do you think its working now? Look you didn't propose because most likely there was no pressure to. Now that she is leaving, you are willing to do it. It is probably too late now. You can propose and see what happens but she is probably resentful. I am sorry you are going through this but what do you expect her do? She lost feelings for you and your actions are in a ver real way responsible for this. I never side with the cheater and I am not siding with her but I can see why she is leaving. Live and learn Also man plenty of my friends got engaged while in college. You could have at least had a serious conversation with her. If you were waiting for the perfect time than sorry but there will never be a perfect time.
lkjh Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 He didn't rob her of anything. He didn't force her to stay around and I will be more sympathetic to women's desire for a ring when I stop seeing so many wanting to throw it away the minute a man actually is commited. and shes not sticking around. Look there are plenty of bad women out there but that doesn't mean they are at fault for everything. Imagine if this was your daughter and she was 34 with a guy that hasn't proposed. No father would be happy about that.
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