someday Posted October 5, 2010 Posted October 5, 2010 Hi, I'm starting a thread here so we can talk about my M. I'd love to hear your thoughts. Thanks.
JackJack Posted October 5, 2010 Posted October 5, 2010 Hi, I'm starting a thread here so we can talk about my M. I'd love to hear your thoughts. Thanks. You are welcome to go ahead with your post, that way others can have a chance to offer some advice as well. Hopefully Owl will respond too.
Author someday Posted October 5, 2010 Author Posted October 5, 2010 Well, I've been lurking in the OW section because of my feelings for another man. My long term feelings for him. That I don't act on, that I will not act on...that do impact my M. What came first? My M or my feelings for OM? My feelings for OM came way before my feelings for my H. I've known OM for most of my life, I've known my H for about 20 yrs. There has been a lot of...crap...that has happened in my M. I'd like to just blame all this mess on my H...but I believe that I need to own my share in this mess we've created. It's not really a messy-mess....just a bit messy right now. If you know what I mean. My M has always been just good enough to not leave. He's cheated on me before. He's hit me before. He's lied to me for so long about stupid little things that I just don't really and truly believe anything he says to me...and yet I do believe in him still. I do really love my H...I wouldn't be with him if I didn't. In our years together I've always had to 'prove' my love to him. He's very insecure...I've never given him reason to not trust me. I'm an open book to him....except this one thing. I don't see how telling him of my deep feelings for this OM will help him in anyway. Or help us in anyway. besides I'm afraid of telling my H because he will fly off the handle. When my H cheated on me a few years ago, I kicked him out, he left but never 'really' left....the OM told me "Don't you get back with him, someday, don't you do it." and I did anyway. Afterwards, OM and H nearly got into a fist fight. I made OM promise me that he wouldn't fight with my H...he said he couldn't promise me that but would try. So far no fights. I know OM loves me. his actions and words tell me this is true. I know that OM will never cross that line if I don't invite him across and even then he may not because he'd know the heartbreak that it could mean for me. He'd never hurt intentionally hurt me. Truly I'm making it sound so freeking sappy. I know my H loves me too, but It's not really love....its something like love....but its just not. I think what my H feels for me is something more like 'obsession' or 'possession' it's almost like a conflict somehow. I'm not sure how to explain this thought. He tries, really he does. H wants me to be who he wants me to be...and that's not who I am....anymore. I've grown as a person, I've changed internally, and I'm just not going to keep beating my head against that brick wall anymore. I suppose my feelings for OM are being drawn out by me because of the state of my M???? Owl said he had thougth on how to improve my M. I'm all ears...or eyes
JackJack Posted October 5, 2010 Posted October 5, 2010 "My M has always been just good enough to not leave. He's cheated on me before. He's hit me before. He's lied to me for so long about stupid little things that I just don't really and truly believe anything he says to me.." What exactly do you mean by "been just good enough to not leave? What exactly is it he has done or is still doing that keeps you there? I didn't see where you mentioned anything "good". Mostly not so good things.
Author someday Posted October 5, 2010 Author Posted October 5, 2010 We've been together nearly 20 yrs, and it seems like yesterday when we started dating. H talks to me, he gets me, he's a great dad and he really does make me laugh. We have similar values and beliefs. The horrible stuff is so infrequent that by the time it happens again it's like the first time all over again. I probably build myself up to believe that it will never happen again...and let myself down by not leaving.
Owl Posted October 5, 2010 Posted October 5, 2010 Someday, you've posted more info than I had before. That does indeed affect my advice to you...thank you. Here's my "simple" take. You're not happy with your M. It's there..it's had it's ups and downs. OM has always been (emotionally) there in the wings the entire time. H has clearly had tons of issues over the years. Unlike a lot of people, I'm a firm believer in setting boundaries, limits, and when needed, consequences. And...delivering those point blank to the people who need to hear them. Many people say ultimatums don't work...I disagree. As long as you are truly willing to follow thru with those consequences...they work. They will force change, either in the other person, or in yourself. Personally, I would suggest you tell your H exactly what you feel about him and your marriage. Make it clear what his cheating and abuse has done to your feelings for him. Spell out for him point blank what needs to change, what needs to improve, and don't be afraid to set specifics on HOW things need to improve (like insisting on MC). Spell out consequences if they don't change (such as seperation/divorce, if that's how you feel about it). Just make sure that you're willing to enforce those consequences. Tell him point blank...and if you're concerned about abuse...do so in a fashion that prevents him from doing so. In front of family/friends...in a public place, whatever. If you are truly afraid that he might hit you or abuse you as a result of doing this...then leave him now!!!! Communicating the severity of the problems, spelling them out clearly, and being willing to enforce boundaries are the keys to a good marriage, IMHO. BUT...you need to do somehting else. You need to be willing to listen and consider what your H says needs to change to. This could likely include removing OM from your life...it would be a requirement on my side if I were your H. You need to compromise, come up with the things that protect you both and work through the issues. If your H refuses all of this...you have your answer. If he agrees...then have in place measures to help yourselves...like the counseling I'd suggested.
Author someday Posted October 5, 2010 Author Posted October 5, 2010 You know...its so easy to look at this with no emotions and know what I should do....but it is so much harder to DO what I need to do. If my D was in this situation I'd advise her to get away from a man like this...and yet I stay. I can come up with hundreds of pros/cons...and it's the ACTING on any of it that's so hard. I think it is irreversible at this point. It feels like there is just no way to repair this...and truth be told I don't believe he'd do any of the work needed to actually make our M stronger. And so I look at my kids...and wonder if I can just hang on for a few more years.... How did I become THIS woman? In every other area of my life I am so strong...and in this area I am so weak.
Spark1111 Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 You know...its so easy to look at this with no emotions and know what I should do....but it is so much harder to DO what I need to do. If my D was in this situation I'd advise her to get away from a man like this...and yet I stay. I can come up with hundreds of pros/cons...and it's the ACTING on any of it that's so hard. I think it is irreversible at this point. It feels like there is just no way to repair this...and truth be told I don't believe he'd do any of the work needed to actually make our M stronger. And so I look at my kids...and wonder if I can just hang on for a few more years.... How did I become THIS woman? In every other area of my life I am so strong...and in this area I am so weak. I don't think your weak Someday, just complacent --something everyone can perpetuate in a long term relationship where we do not insist on change for the better from either are spouse or ourselves. The only questions you need to ask yourself is this: Do you perpetuate complacency because you truly believe you could never have the R you want with your husband? Or, do you not take any active steps to repair your so-so marriage because if it were truly happy, your OM would no longer have anything to rescue you from? Because this is the emotional dynamic as I see it. Your OM waits in the wings to save you from a so-so, sometimes abusive, H. So if your H reformed himself to become the partner you had wished in the past he would become, and your marriage became happy, then the OM would no longer have any reason to save the damsel in distress. Could this be a reason for why you feel all this change is not worth the effort?
Author someday Posted October 7, 2010 Author Posted October 7, 2010 Interesting. My feelings for OM have become stronger as my M has become weaker. If my H and I could make our M what we both want it to be I'd gladly stay with him forever.
Owl Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 I want to point something out to you, friend. My wife discovered this during her EA. As she EMOTIONALLY INVESTED more into her affair, she emotionally invested less into our marriage. As a result, she felt that she was slowly "falling out of love with (Owl), and more in love with (OM)". I get that your marriage has problems, don't take me wrong. What I'm trying to tell you is that you'll find yourself being "in love" with the relationship that you invest in. It sounds to me like your marriage has had issues for a while...and now you've stopped investing in it. But of course the affair is new and exciting...so you're going to invest in that relationship. Ergo...that's going to create the exact feelings you just described. Bottom line is this...you CANNOT expect both relationships to grow. If you feed one, the other starves...and vice versa. YOU need to decide which one you're going to feed...and what to do about the one you choose to starve.
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