fonso Posted October 5, 2010 Posted October 5, 2010 Okay, so ive been doing the whole NC for 3 weeks now, but spoke to my ex yday. We got talking and said shes does ok when shes not thinking about me or talking to me, but when i do speak to her she regrets finishing things and thinks she wants me back. So heres the dilemma, since i am still madly n love with her and want her back, do i pursue her, which goes against NC and makes me look pathetic or do i continue with NC in hope she will realise shes made a mistake??
fabio10 Posted October 5, 2010 Posted October 5, 2010 Look at what the NC has done so far she is missing you when she said 'she thinks of you' ! Stick to NC let her miss you so much that she comes after you and if she dose'nt you will be healing thus you cant lose !
Don Ho Posted October 5, 2010 Posted October 5, 2010 You didn't say who contacted whom the other day. Was it you? No, do not contact her or chase her. Let her break your NC and see if she starts actually begging to get you back.
Author fonso Posted October 5, 2010 Author Posted October 5, 2010 She contacted me, although it was regarding the car!
alliance_820 Posted October 5, 2010 Posted October 5, 2010 Okay, so ive been doing the whole NC for 3 weeks now, but spoke to my ex yday. We got talking and said shes does ok when shes not thinking about me or talking to me, but when i do speak to her she regrets finishing things and thinks she wants me back. So heres the dilemma, since i am still madly n love with her and want her back, do i pursue her, which goes against NC and makes me look pathetic or do i continue with NC in hope she will realise shes made a mistake?? dude congrats, thats what im trying to get to happen right now. Its good to see NC worked for someone. Now i think it gets tricky. Because if she already said she wants you back, if you go back to NC it may give the impression you dont want her back. Id talk to her, but dont sound over excited about it. Tell her you think you should talk about your relationship, and see if you think a second chance would work. Best of luck to you.
Trovador Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 I don´t know... while a bit of pulling away might work wonders, I see NC as the ultimate step to heal and move on... you don't take it as a last resource or an emergency kit... you go NC because you don't care anymore if your ex will miss you or crawl back to you and because you have understood that you come first... in other words, NC is about you, not her... I keep light contact with my ex (in fact she is the one who does that as I never call her), she calls me every day for 3 or 4 times, she didn't do it today, I guess because she was testing me if I would call her... I didn't so she called me at night to complain about that and asking for valid reasons not to do it... I think this happened because I'm just pulling the vanishing act... (it's not a game or a trick, I really want out of that friendship), I mean, a bit of absence might be good but disappearing from the life of your ex by going NC is like burning a bridge... According to what you wrote, NC is helping her to get over you... if you contact her again please don't be the pathetic loser you are talking about on your post... be funny, creative, smart, talk about books (but first read them ha ha), cinema, art... you get the drift... above all, thing you are going to be fine whichever path you take...
alliance_820 Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 I don´t know... while a bit of pulling away might work wonders, I see NC as the ultimate step to heal and move on... you don't take it as a last resource or an emergency kit... you go NC because you don't care anymore if your ex will miss you or crawl back to you and because you have understood that you come first... in other words, NC is about you, not her... I keep light contact with my ex (in fact she is the one who does that as I never call her), she calls me every day for 3 or 4 times, she didn't do it today, I guess because she was testing me if I would call her... I didn't so she called me at night to complain about that and asking for valid reasons not to do it... I think this happened because I'm just pulling the vanishing act... (it's not a game or a trick, I really want out of that friendship), I mean, a bit of absence might be good but disappearing from the life of your ex by going NC is like burning a bridge... According to what you wrote, NC is helping her to get over you... if you contact her again please don't be the pathetic loser you are talking about on your post... be funny, creative, smart, talk about books (but first read them ha ha), cinema, art... you get the drift... above all, thing you are going to be fine whichever path you take... See, i look at that as only one aspect of NC. I'm trying it right now, because I still have feelings for my ex, and it seemed like she did too when she broke up with me. If I keep in contact with her, she never has anything to miss. If I go NC for a few weeks, thats the best chance I have of her realizing she misses what we had. And that seems to work for people, like fonso. But if all that fails, then yes, NC also helps you get over it. Fonso, I'd go for it. You went NC to try and get to this point Im assuming, and if youre still in love for her this is what you wanted. You just have to be very careful. Dont over do it. Talk about what you think happened, and how you can fix it.
Trovador Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 I try to understand the mechanics of NC and apply them to my particular case, and that's why I think if I wanted my ex back NC wouldn't work out... she would try to approach me a few times and then would go away forever... Going NC just to get my ex back would kill me. NC is hard enough to do it for your own sanity... I can't imagine adding the burden of hoping for her contact and thinking all the time about her... But I think each relationship is different and one should learn by trial and error...
Gt.ooh Posted October 8, 2010 Posted October 8, 2010 From what I'm gathering off of LS in this particular forum..NC is good, but has to be applied and used accordingly. If you pushed someone away to the point of changing a number deleting FB etc, then u definitely need NC. If someone cheated on you or it was a horrible break-up...NC.... If they want a break, and are honest about it...and don't want to hurt feelings... NC, but I'd say if you go too long without contact it gives them the impression you are not interested at all and lose any chance (if any) of talking again.. so depending on the situation you have to gauge when it might be appropiate to enter into LC, and see where you stand then. It will tell you a lot about your ex and his/her feelings. Just kind of the trend I'm seeing. elaborate by all means
Capthxc Posted October 8, 2010 Posted October 8, 2010 From what I'm gathering off of LS in this particular forum..NC is good, but has to be applied and used accordingly. If you pushed someone away to the point of changing a number deleting FB etc, then u definitely need NC. If someone cheated on you or it was a horrible break-up...NC.... If they want a break, and are honest about it...and don't want to hurt feelings... NC, but I'd say if you go too long without contact it gives them the impression you are not interested at all and lose any chance (if any) of talking again.. so depending on the situation you have to gauge when it might be appropiate to enter into LC, and see where you stand then. It will tell you a lot about your ex and his/her feelings. Just kind of the trend I'm seeing. elaborate by all means Totally agree with this. It's all about space and letting each other heal and getting each others emotions under control. There shouldnt be some sort of hidden rule set on why and when to use NC, in my opinion it should be applied to nearly every break up no matter what the circumstances are. If you try to rekindle that flame too soon you will just end up getting burned. Limited or excessive contact will never turn out good. Both parties need to reflect on why things went down whatever path it is they went down. For some people it can take a week, other people a few months, and in certain extreme cases even a few years. I'm so tired of people and these self help books/videos trying to put certain rules in place, like waiting exactly one month, or never breaking it and moving on. Sometimes it isnt that simple, and sometimes people are so stubborn that they will wait around until they assume the worst. I'm certain that's the case with my ex, but i cant continue to push her while the dust is still trying to settle. You need to feel absolutely comfortable with whatever answer you may get before you open up contact again, and you have to keep it as nonchalant as possible. Living in the past while trying to right mistakes that have already been made is the biggest mistake i've seen a lot of people make. One of the saddest stories i know of deals with one of my best friends. His girlfriend cut him off because he refused to make the changes he needed to push forward with his life. All she simply asked of him was to go back to school and to lay off the illict drugs and alcohol. Instead of doing that he just dug himself a deeper hole and shut himself in, refused to make any of the changes she asked for. For the past 8 months she still talks to his mom and his sister to see how hes doing and if hes made any sort of positive change in his life, and yet he doesnt understand the reason why she keeps checking in with his family, and looks at it as her being the bad guy. I want to tell the guy her reasons behind all of this, but he needs to learn it himself, or else hes going to continue to rely on everyone else his whole life.
boltsfan17 Posted October 8, 2010 Posted October 8, 2010 NC isn't a tool to get your ex back. It's to get over someone. Going NC with hopes to get your ex back is not the way to go. If it wasn't something like cheating or a horrible break up, you can't just sit around and do nothing if you want your ex back. Yes, it is good to let some time pass to think about why the break up happened and to have some space to figure things out. Since she has contacted you, I think going NC will give the wrong impression that you don't care. If it were me, I would contact her and see if you two can meet up to talk about things. Contacting her doesn't make you look pathetic. From the little I gather, I think the best thing is to sit down with your ex so you can talk about things and see how she feels about everything and go from there.
Don Ho Posted October 8, 2010 Posted October 8, 2010 Okay, so ive been doing the whole NC for 3 weeks now, but spoke to my ex yday. We got talking and said shes does ok when shes not thinking about me or talking to me, but when i do speak to her she regrets finishing things and thinks she wants me back. So heres the dilemma, since i am still madly n love with her and want her back, do i pursue her, which goes against NC and makes me look pathetic or do i continue with NC in hope she will realise shes made a mistake?? Um, you continue NC and move on. If she REALLY wants you back, she WILL get a hold of you. It must be her move. There's nothing else you can do.
boltsfan17 Posted October 8, 2010 Posted October 8, 2010 Um, you continue NC and move on. If she REALLY wants you back, she WILL get a hold of you. It must be her move. There's nothing else you can do. People are stubborn. Doing nothing isn't always the best thing depending on the situation. She's already contacted him. I don't think it hurts to try and meet up with her to talk about things.
Don Ho Posted October 8, 2010 Posted October 8, 2010 People are stubborn. Doing nothing isn't always the best thing depending on the situation. She's already contacted him. I don't think it hurts to try and meet up with her to talk about things. It's not doing nothing, it's making a choice to not contact. In this situation she dumped him. Her saying she misses him and so on doesn't mean she wants to get back together. She contacted him about the car. She didn't say "I would do anything to get back together with you, can we try again?" It does hurt to contact her because it will only push her away further, especially since he is madly in love with her and won't be able to contain his emotions. There is nothing to contact her about. If she wants him back or wants to talk about a reconciliation, she WILL contact him. If not, it's not going to happen.
Gt.ooh Posted October 8, 2010 Posted October 8, 2010 It's not doing nothing, it's making a choice to not contact. In this situation she dumped him. Her saying she misses him and so on doesn't mean she wants to get back together. She contacted him about the car. She didn't say "I would do anything to get back together with you, can we try again?" It does hurt to contact her because it will only push her away further, especially since he is madly in love with her and won't be able to contain his emotions. There is nothing to contact her about. If she wants him back or wants to talk about a reconciliation, she WILL contact him. If not, it's not going to happen. I agree, it's definitely not doing nothing at all. 9 out of 10 dumpee's I'm sure want their exs' back. She contacted him but for no reason of reconciliation... fonzo still needs cool down time. NC is no game, nor a trick. It's a choice to better yourself, and any chances for the future. What you decide to do with it is your choice.
Banker Chick Posted October 8, 2010 Posted October 8, 2010 I think it depends on the situation. When my ex and I broke up I tried NC but I couldn't do it. That evolved into LC. However, I tried very hard to "encourage" him to make the contact by leaving him alone. This resulted in me 1) getting some space and not being consumed by the situation and 2) him missing me a little. It did work and he reached out. I still try to let him drive most of the communication but in our case we're trying to see if we can work it out. If there isn't talk (or at least hints) about reconciliation I think it's best to keep NC. To do anything else is just unnecessary pain.
Don Ho Posted October 9, 2010 Posted October 9, 2010 I think it depends on the situation. When my ex and I broke up I tried NC but I couldn't do it. That evolved into LC. However, I tried very hard to "encourage" him to make the contact by leaving him alone. This resulted in me 1) getting some space and not being consumed by the situation and 2) him missing me a little. It did work and he reached out. I still try to let him drive most of the communication but in our case we're trying to see if we can work it out. If there isn't talk (or at least hints) about reconciliation I think it's best to keep NC. To do anything else is just unnecessary pain. I don't think it depends on the situation. 99% of the time when you get dumped the Dumper is done. It has to be them making the contact, saying they miss you, want you, made a mistake and so on. Otherwise doing LC is just going to prolong your anguish and keep you spinning your wheels. No offense Banker Chick, but I bet your situation is not going to work out because he hasn't put in the effort or doesn't have the desire to really be with you. What I don't like about people doing LC is that it's just like they're floundering along and nothing gets resolved (because they're actually chasing the Dumper). I have seen lots of members on here that think LC is the way to go and after a few weeks they finally realize that it is going no where, their Ex is usually using them for emotional support and to alleviate their guilt and the Dumpee finally comes to the conclusion that it's still not going to work and they go NC.
Banker Chick Posted October 9, 2010 Posted October 9, 2010 I have seen lots of members on here that think LC is the way to go and after a few weeks they finally realize that it is going no where, their Ex is usually using them for emotional support and to alleviate their guilt and the Dumpee finally comes to the conclusion that it's still not going to work and they go NC. I agree with this. I know it happened to me when I got divorced. I don't think NC would have worked for me right away, unfortunately, I had to put myself through that pain to finally spur me into full blown NC. Sometimes we don't learn right away. I'll admit I'm probably the exception to the rule with my current exbf. He does want to be together and if you read some of my previous posts you'll see that I'm torn because I sometimes think agreeing to LC (which has now become full contact) is now hurting him bc we said we'd try to work it out and now I'm not so sure that's what I want.
Billie The Puppet Posted October 9, 2010 Posted October 9, 2010 (edited) I'll admit I'm probably the exception to the rule with my current exbf. He does want to be together and if you read some of my previous posts you'll see that I'm torn because I sometimes think agreeing to LC (which has now become full contact) is now hurting him bc we said we'd try to work it out and now I'm not so sure that's what I want. The first part is a decision as a couple ie we and we'd The second part is you questioning the decision as a individual ie I'm and I Before a decison as a couple can be made you absolutley need to make a decision for yourself as an individual. The most common thing occuring now is doubts and doubts are uncertainies. Uncertainties stem from I don't know's and I'm not so sure. Which is in you own reply. If doubts occur you must not allow them to linger you must question them right away. Allowing them to linger will only boil up and cause you to be unsatisfied and you will eventually break because of these doubts. In a sense the other party won't know and it will appear to them as you strung them along because you were not open to communication. Basically I am saying you should not be in a relationship if you are uncertain. A relationship should be a sure thing. So now I ask you what do you want ? I know you are unsure if you want a relationship with him because you mentioned you are unsure but now I ask you why are you unsure? There has to be a reason for the uncertainty. Keep in mind you can't answer with I am unsure or I don't know because you'll then have to ask why you are unsure or why you don't know. Example answers: He is too clingy I don't see a future with him I feel like he is just going through the motions of a relationship but doesn't actually care for me. He loves me more than I love him Answer back honestly if you can and see if we can get to the root of your uncertainty it will be better in the long run for both you and him. Edited October 9, 2010 by Billie The Puppet
SadGirl23 Posted October 10, 2010 Posted October 10, 2010 I'll admit I'm probably the exception to the rule with my current exbf. He does want to be together and if you read some of my previous posts you'll see that I'm torn because I sometimes think agreeing to LC (which has now become full contact) is now hurting him bc we said we'd try to work it out and now I'm not so sure that's what I want. Well if he wants the relationship, and you want it as well, then why haven't you made it work..? Are you doing LC to make him suffer for what he put you through since you said "He is hurting b/c of limited contact"? Or are you really not admitting that you are being "stringed along while dating other people" till you both find a moment to want to get back together again?
alliance_820 Posted October 12, 2010 Posted October 12, 2010 Um, you continue NC and move on. If she REALLY wants you back, she WILL get a hold of you. It must be her move. There's nothing else you can do. She already got in contact with him...
Don Ho Posted October 12, 2010 Posted October 12, 2010 Yeah about the car. That's something to have a party over.
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