tinybear5 Posted October 5, 2010 Posted October 5, 2010 We said no talking testerday for a month and he jus texd me "hey"..."I don't wanna stop talking :(".....what do idooooo I'm freaking out !
carhill Posted October 5, 2010 Posted October 5, 2010 block his phone or change your phone number. You can't control him. Fugetaboutit
Billie The Puppet Posted October 5, 2010 Posted October 5, 2010 I hope you didn't reply. It's not his choice any more Go NC.
Author tinybear5 Posted October 5, 2010 Author Posted October 5, 2010 im am the dumpee pinning on a recoliliation, and he is the dumper. NO i have not answerd yet. just because it feels too good right now that i FINALY dont feel down and the dumps. he has tried to call me countless times, and has continued to text me things like "lets hang out today"..."i wanna talk to you, its good i promise"......."its really important".......yes id like to be back with this guy at some point, but when is the point that i should actauly talk to him??? this is day 2 of our month long agreement to no contact. which HE has clearly broken. i kinda of do want to taalk to him and see what he has to sayy..but i dont wanna be crushed agian by hearing "i like having you in my life i cant just be in a relationship".....what to do??? anybody think maybe hes finally come to his senes???
carhill Posted October 5, 2010 Posted October 5, 2010 Help me understand why, when someone says 'it's over, get lost', that doesn't sink in as accepted and complete truth? What, you think they're lying? Delusional? Tell me, when you've told a guy to get lost, whether a boyfriend or just a guy who approached you for a date, did you mean it or was it just a game? Go with that. Growing up helps you understand that 'meaning it' is acceptable and healthy. Even when it hurts. Perhaps this is one area where men learn the lesson early, because we get rejected far more than women do, overall. We learn to accept it and that we can't always have what we want. You agreed to a month of NC. OK, you keep your promise. Each time he contacts you or attempts to contact you, re-set the clock to one month from that moment, and don't respond. It's not a game. It's something which heals your emotions and affords you healthy distance and perspective. It's not easy. It's hard, especially when someone you love tells you to get lost. Trust me, I've been married and heard those words. It's NOT easy. Acceptance never is. Good luck
Billie The Puppet Posted October 5, 2010 Posted October 5, 2010 Help me understand why, when someone says 'it's over, get lost', that doesn't sink in as accepted and complete truth? What, you think they're lying? Delusional? Tell me, when you've told a guy to get lost, whether a boyfriend or just a guy who approached you for a date, did you mean it or was it just a game? Go with that. Growing up helps you understand that 'meaning it' is acceptable and healthy. Even when it hurts. Perhaps this is one area where men learn the lesson early, because we get rejected far more than women do, overall. We learn to accept it and that we can't always have what we want. You agreed to a month of NC. OK, you keep your promise. Each time he contacts you or attempts to contact you, re-set the clock to one month from that moment, and don't respond. It's not a game. It's something which heals your emotions and affords you healthy distance and perspective. It's not easy. It's hard, especially when someone you love tells you to get lost. Trust me, I've been married and heard those words. It's NOT easy. Acceptance never is. Good luck If this guy can't commit to NC himself and is attempting contact daily it's unfair for her to reset the clock. Personally she should only reset the clock if the contact is made meaning both have made contact. As long as one party doesn't reply nc is still in effect.
carhill Posted October 5, 2010 Posted October 5, 2010 If she reads, hears, notes any attempts by him to contact, that's strict abrogation of the NC parameters. Examine that. Seeing a text, e-mail, number on a call list, hearing a VM all are parameters of contact in that she recognizes *his* attempts to contact her and the feelings those attempts incite break the continuity of NC. No one is at fault. If NC is to work, she needs total isolation from active incitement of thought or emotion relevant to him. Like he's dead. Gone. Finito. Over.
yessy21 Posted October 5, 2010 Posted October 5, 2010 the other girl didnt meet his expectations. or she wasnt as interested or he got scared. he did it once hell want to do it again when someone else comes by
Billie The Puppet Posted October 5, 2010 Posted October 5, 2010 (edited) If she reads, hears, notes any attempts by him to contact, that's strict abrogation of the NC parameters. Examine that. Seeing a text, e-mail, number on a call list, hearing a VM all are parameters of contact in that she recognizes *his* attempts to contact her and the feelings those attempts incite break the continuity of NC. No one is at fault. If NC is to work, she needs total isolation from active incitement of thought or emotion relevant to him. Like he's dead. Gone. Finito. Over. Yes I get this. However the other party not knowing the reaction because NC is in effect by not replying. It's true by him contacting and her reading the contact the effect is killed and delays her healing but from the stand point of this thread it seems NC is being used as a tool to reconcile or a game at very least. The intentions don't seam to be for healing purposes as it was discussed mutually between the two. We see a lot of threads saying the ex broke NC but contact isn't broken if there isn't I reply in my opinion. My ex can send me an email saying Hi it's irrelevant to me and won't delay healing it just a simple word. If she sends me an email saying I found someone else and I read it that will delay my healing but as long as the ex doesn't know my reaction I'm still in nc it is her that has broke her nc nit myself. I'll agree with the choice to read etc as breaking NC but as long as no reply is made to the other party it as if nothing is read said or done. Edited October 5, 2010 by Billie The Puppet
carhill Posted October 5, 2010 Posted October 5, 2010 I re-read the OP and the OP seems to have ambivalence about the agreement they established versus the actions and words subsequent. OP, if you're reading, what do *you* want? Any answer other than 'I want to be with him' is acceptable, since his actions, dumping you, indicate his truth. Since you really haven't been NC, and none of his contacts have indicated explicitly or implicitly that he's sorry for dumping you and wants to resume the relationship, what do you want here? FWIW, my ex was quite happy chatting me up and Hoovering favors out of me under the pretense of being friendly whilst she was divorcing me. I put a stop to that. Here, in your situation, you were dumped. "It's over. I'm breaking up with you". Then "I don't wanna stop talking with you". 'When you're ready to apologize for dumping me and reconcile our relationship, I will be happy to talk with you'. No, here's his truth: "i like having you in my life i cant just be in a relationship"Continue NC
Author tinybear5 Posted October 5, 2010 Author Posted October 5, 2010 welll he contunied to try and text me things like "i wanna talk"..."its a good thing" and a bunch of ":( " faces........soo i caved ...i said fine il hang out with u. so i went over to his place today and he was really sad and said he missed me and started huggin and kissing me like he use to........were back togethher now :]
carhill Posted October 5, 2010 Posted October 5, 2010 I yearn for a time when life was only that simple. Enjoy your youth
durkadurka Posted October 5, 2010 Posted October 5, 2010 welll he contunied to try and text me things like "i wanna talk"..."its a good thing" and a bunch of ":( " faces........soo i caved ...i said fine il hang out with u. so i went over to his place today and he was really sad and said he missed me and started huggin and kissing me like he use to........were back togethher now :] Real mature.
durkadurka Posted October 5, 2010 Posted October 5, 2010 I yearn for a time when life was only that simple. Enjoy your youth No kidding. Now relationships seem to be motivated by girls wanting to have kids or get married. Long gone are the times of simple conversations and sorting things out, now people have careers and are moving and all that other jazz. It's just ridiculous.
carhill Posted October 5, 2010 Posted October 5, 2010 If you only knew the number of mature, successful women who I've allowed to dump this kind of cr@p on me and the next day is 'swell, everything is better' lalalala see ya. But still I get sucked in! :D
durkadurka Posted October 5, 2010 Posted October 5, 2010 If you only knew the number of mature, successful women who I've allowed to dump this kind of cr@p on me and the next day is 'swell, everything is better' lalalala see ya. But still I get sucked in! :D Oh yes, don't even get me started. I propped my ex up and then the second she gets abck up on her feet I'm yesterday's news. Relationships are like shadow games, no one wants to lay their cards down.
Author tinybear5 Posted October 5, 2010 Author Posted October 5, 2010 you know life and its situtations are like a book. EVERYONE is different . you cant peg every person and every relationship the same .
durkadurka Posted October 5, 2010 Posted October 5, 2010 you know life and its situtations are like a book. EVERYONE is different . you cant peg every person and every relationship the same . Yes you can. Now you're onto step 2. Step 1. Don't solve any of your problems. Step 2. Get back together and pretend that you are different from everyone else and that despite the fact none of your problems have been fixed, you think it will work. Step 3. Your relationship turns into a black hole and sucks you dry. Step 4. You break up again.
Author tinybear5 Posted October 5, 2010 Author Posted October 5, 2010 Yes you can. Now you're onto step 2. Step 1. Don't solve any of your problems. Step 2. Get back together and pretend that you are different from everyone else and that despite the fact none of your problems have been fixed, you think it will work. Step 3. Your relationship turns into a black hole and sucks you dry. Step 4. You break up again. our problems have not be solved but things were set in motion to make changes ..... I cut my work schedule down so i could spend more time with him; i realized i cant be the worlds biggest bit3ch to him when all he wants to hear is an "i love you" at the end of the night and NOT by a text message . i never invited him out with my friends, today i invited him to come out with us to an event next week . you cant change over night, but i realize what i have to do and work on .
durkadurka Posted October 5, 2010 Posted October 5, 2010 our problems have not be solved but things were set in motion to make changes ..... I cut my work schedule down so i could spend more time with him; i realized i cant be the worlds biggest bit3ch to him when all he wants to hear is an "i love you" at the end of the night and NOT by a text message . i never invited him out with my friends, today i invited him to come out with us to an event next week . you cant change over night, but i realize what i have to do and work on . Right but everything that you're talking about is superficial, it's like painting the outside of the house when the foundation is crumbling. Take it from a guy that changed his job and his work schedule to spend more time with his girlfriend, it doesn't fix the underlying issues.
Author tinybear5 Posted October 5, 2010 Author Posted October 5, 2010 so what should i do? not try? its not something i want to just throw out without a fight
durkadurka Posted October 5, 2010 Posted October 5, 2010 (edited) so what should i do? not try? its not something i want to just throw out without a fight Working hard and working smart are two different things. Sometimes love is not enough to sustain a relationship that doesn't have a future. Sit down with him, see where you guys want to be in 2 years. If the things each of you want can work together, then start planning a future together. If they don't, then don't invest more time into a relationship with no future. God forbid, I made the mistake of not planning, and not seeing all the red flags. All could have been solved with planning. Food for thought: My ex stayed in my city without a plan, the only loose plan she had was moving away when I was done school. Instead of using her time to explore, try new jobs, expand her social circle she was miserable. Me, being the boyfriend I was, tried to bail her out. I couldn't meet her goal of moving away while trying to look after her all the time. While we loved eachother, it was no longer feasible. Instead of realizing this, we fought on with no plan. Now... we don't like eachother. I won't say anything more than that. Edited October 5, 2010 by durkadurka
Sambo Posted October 5, 2010 Posted October 5, 2010 you know life and its situtations are like a book. EVERYONE is different . you cant peg every person and every relationship the same . I wish you the best but don't be surprised if you end up here in another 30 days or worse a year. I agree with others in here. His other options ran out and he ran back to you. Good luck though.
Author tinybear5 Posted October 5, 2010 Author Posted October 5, 2010 I wish you the best but don't be surprised if you end up here in another 30 days or worse a year. I agree with others in here. His other options ran out and he ran back to you. Good luck though. ok THAT deff was not the issue .lol. we both see eachother as marriege material in the future when were finished with school and have started our careers . this has been 3 years .
durkadurka Posted October 5, 2010 Posted October 5, 2010 ok THAT deff was not the issue .lol. we both see eachother as marriege material in the future when were finished with school and have started our careers . this has been 3 years . Okay but saying you want to marry that person vs. having a plan are two very different things. It seems like you guys have a vague idea of what you want in a few years, but the immediate uncertainty is what you guys need to plan for.
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