Arizonaheart Posted October 4, 2010 Posted October 4, 2010 In a LDR for nearly 2 years, we are both in our 40s however separated by 1800 miles. A year ago this week (I remember cuz it was my bday) I received an email from a 3rd party that my bf was involved in some hot n heavy but non physical action with the wife of his best friend who lives near me. I later had to verify the extent of involvement and yes I snooped through his email when it was left open- TRUST BUT VERIFY. I do not regret it. I did verify that yes he did push her away from her attempted kiss but also discovered the exchange of some sexually contained emails between the two of them. I confronted him with my discovery & did admit how I came to my discovery. He did eventually discontinue all contact with her but it took me insisting that I no longer intend to play her games when he comes to my town to visit (his friend & wife live a mile away from me) Anyways, here we are a year later. I am visiting his home. Yesterday as he opened his laptop I couldn't help but notice it is now password protected which it wasn't before. Now w/the password protection I can not help but wonder what he is hiding now. I did confront him with my feelings. He swore he isn't hiding anything but he didn't admit to the whole truth last year til I made him aware of my discovery. Fact of the matter is I had no intention of snooping this time as I had no reason to. I am also now in the mind set that I am done playing relationship police. If he chooses to send questionable emails to other woman then that is a simple testament of lack of respect to us as a couple. He seems so very sincere when he says I am the only one, that he would do nothing to cause further harm to our relationship. He held me so close last night as he cried swearing of his undying love for me. I wanted to believe him but I can't help but doubt We were planning a wedding and my eventual move. My move means away from my college age children, my secure job, my close knit family etc. I am struggling with whether I stay & trust or walk away since the foundation of trust has been shattered? What would you do?
CycleOfLove Posted October 4, 2010 Posted October 4, 2010 what would I do? i`d probably ask him to open his laptop and type in the password and let me see that he has nothing to hide. I know i might sound crazy but if he got nothing to hide then why would you put up a password for?what is he hiding? what is the password for? I see a red flag there. A bigger issue "but also discovered the exchange of some sexually contained emails between the two of them" Whoa what? so he was cheating on you? exchanging sexually contained emails with another woman? and you planing a wedding and moving out there? and after you caught him exchanging emails with another woman and you cant trust him, he put up a password on his laptop? And you think he isn't hiding anything? girl call me crazy but i`d snap and probably would`eve end up the relationship right away when you found out about these emails, He don't deserve a woman like you, who will move out a cross the country or world for him and hes behind your back doing things. i might sound harsh but when it comes to men cheating its a NO NO for me.
Author Arizonaheart Posted October 5, 2010 Author Posted October 5, 2010 what would I do? i`d probably ask him to open his laptop and type in the password and let me see that he has nothing to hide. I know i might sound crazy but if he got nothing to hide then why would you put up a password for?what is he hiding? what is the password for? I see a red flag there. A bigger issue "but also discovered the exchange of some sexually contained emails between the two of them" Whoa what? so he was cheating on you? exchanging sexually contained emails with another woman? and you planing a wedding and moving out there? and after you caught him exchanging emails with another woman and you cant trust him, he put up a password on his laptop? And you think he isn't hiding anything? girl call me crazy but i`d snap and probably would`eve end up the relationship right away when you found out about these emails, He don't deserve a woman like you, who will move out a cross the country or world for him and hes behind your back doing things. i might sound harsh but when it comes to men cheating its a NO NO for me. Thx for the reply. My head knows you are right COL but my heart aches when I try to think of life w/o him. I have always been a very independent woman who shakes my head when another woman puts up with far more than one should in a relationship. I do believe him when he tells me he loves me but...what is the probability of a strong relationship when the foundation of trust has already been shattered? Now the password bit raises more suspicion, kinda the final straw. The way I see it, even if he should give me the PW or eliminate it I will still wonder what was there that perhaps he had time to erase. It's really a no win situation. My heart is breaking
Omei Posted October 6, 2010 Posted October 6, 2010 (edited) I would also ask that he takes locks and passwords off, let him show you. Me and my SO know each of our passwords to our emails/video games, while we never go into each others accounts because its not needed the fact that there is the "I could if I wanted too" really makes me trust him and vise versia. The fact that a year ago you had to find out by a 3rd party bothers me a little bit and you had to ask him. Whenever an occurrence has happened with an EX or a person that's been interested in ether of us we have told each other. He should of told you a girl tried to kiss him and was emailing him sexually! example: It was 4 year ex of mine who got drunk once and decided to e-mail me nude pictures of himself out of the blue. I mentioned this to my BF asap if in case of a fact he'd see my emails or hear from a 3rd party or just chance of anything I wanted him to hear it from me first, told him about it and deleted the email. This pleased him very much. another example: My SO was visiting and I was watching him tinker on his facebook and I noticed he had mails from his ex and I said "why?" he let me read all of them, they were nothing more than hi's that he had dismissed and just happened to never delete them and said I could if I wished and it was nothing more. We were planning a wedding and my eventual move. My move means away from my college age children, my secure job, my close knit family etc. I am struggling with whether I stay & trust or walk away since the foundation of trust has been shattered? What would you do? But yes I would request that it should be an open book suddenly having passwords after what happened would also make me feel a little insecure. Moving in and marriage is a pretty good sign it would be pretty hard to do that and have a side thing going on. But if you don't trust him 100% I wouldn't walk into marriage/moving in. If you trust him enough and love, Go. If you just can't think about it more, maybe don't end it but say you're not ready? at least till you know 100% Edited October 6, 2010 by Omei
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