sanfranciscan Posted October 4, 2010 Posted October 4, 2010 Hello, I'm in my late thirties dating a woman in her early thirties. We live in different cities about a 2 hour flight away. One of the reasons we started the relationship was that she was planning on moving to my city within a few months. Our relationship came on early and with intensity. With mutual enthusiasm we spoke on the phone for at least an hour every night, finishing our days talking with each other. It was a sweet ritual and one that I cherished. She called it the favorite part of her day. We supplemented it with brief phone calls throughout the day and instant messages. When she is in town she works from my city and essentially lives with me. She splits her time 50/50 between cities. On her last visit home she warned me she would be more busy than usual. I took that to mean a few less calls or a few briefer calls. But instead she pretty much unilaterally dismantled our tradition of nightly calls. She was busy for this reason or that. Sometimes related to volunteer work, other times to just being tired or a night out with a friend. Each of these things in themselves I could understand but the pattern was one of distancing herself from me. For two week a total sea change in her behavior. Calling me when she knew she had to get off the phone in 5 minutes, etc. She got into town last night and two glasses of wine later I was spilling forth all of the resentment that had been building up. We got into a huge fight and she basically withdrew from me saying she needed space to process our conversation. Another horrible morning this morning. Will see her after work this evening. I am hoping we will work things out although I could see last nights conversation being the straw the breaks the camels back and the relationship ending. All of this is preamble to a question. Am I dramatically over reacting to the changes in her behavior or am I being reasonable? Am i being reasonable to assert my needs to have dedicated quality time for us to touch base everyday or is this unrealistic? I can understand why a nightly conversation might be suffocating to some people (and those woman are probably not the right woman for me). But for her to enthusiastically go along with it for 6 months and then to pull the "needing space" card out of the blue. I don't get it. One further data point. The prospect of her moving keeps getting kicked down the road. There have been some changes in her job situation, so part of it is understandable, but I am losing faith that she is serious about moving. This is probably one of several reason that the recent change in behavior is making me insecure.
nycgirl6 Posted October 9, 2010 Posted October 9, 2010 I'm curious because there's always two sides to every story. After you had your fight, if she went to a girlfriend to vent, what would she have said to her friend about the fight? You told her your feelings, but you didn't mention clearly what her defense was.
amerikajin Posted October 9, 2010 Posted October 9, 2010 Hello, I'm in my late thirties dating a woman in her early thirties. We live in different cities about a 2 hour flight away. One of the reasons we started the relationship was that she was planning on moving to my city within a few months. Our relationship came on early and with intensity. With mutual enthusiasm we spoke on the phone for at least an hour every night, finishing our days talking with each other. It was a sweet ritual and one that I cherished. She called it the favorite part of her day. We supplemented it with brief phone calls throughout the day and instant messages. When she is in town she works from my city and essentially lives with me. She splits her time 50/50 between cities. On her last visit home she warned me she would be more busy than usual. I took that to mean a few less calls or a few briefer calls. But instead she pretty much unilaterally dismantled our tradition of nightly calls. She was busy for this reason or that. Sometimes related to volunteer work, other times to just being tired or a night out with a friend. Each of these things in themselves I could understand but the pattern was one of distancing herself from me. For two week a total sea change in her behavior. Calling me when she knew she had to get off the phone in 5 minutes, etc. She got into town last night and two glasses of wine later I was spilling forth all of the resentment that had been building up. We got into a huge fight and she basically withdrew from me saying she needed space to process our conversation. Another horrible morning this morning. Will see her after work this evening. I am hoping we will work things out although I could see last nights conversation being the straw the breaks the camels back and the relationship ending. All of this is preamble to a question. Am I dramatically over reacting to the changes in her behavior or am I being reasonable? Am i being reasonable to assert my needs to have dedicated quality time for us to touch base everyday or is this unrealistic? I can understand why a nightly conversation might be suffocating to some people (and those woman are probably not the right woman for me). But for her to enthusiastically go along with it for 6 months and then to pull the "needing space" card out of the blue. I don't get it. One further data point. The prospect of her moving keeps getting kicked down the road. There have been some changes in her job situation, so part of it is understandable, but I am losing faith that she is serious about moving. This is probably one of several reason that the recent change in behavior is making me insecure. I don't know if this is a matter of reasonable vs. unreasonable, right or wrong, fair or unfair. I think it's a matter of what you want in your life and how you prioritize your time, and to what extent she does the same. In the beginning, it seemed like the relationship worked because you both had schedules that were in sync, but things have changed. You obviously don't like the changes. You're not wrong for feeling the way you feel, but I wouldn't automatically say that she's wrong either -- she might have become busier because her work schedule demanded it. It happens. What I'm wondering is, what about weekends? Do you guys have a chance to catch up then? I actually live in another city from my wife and before we got married we did the same thing you're describing. We talked on the phone each night for about an hour. Sometimes a little more, sometimes a little less. It was consistent. I used to call her in the mornings, but when I started work, my schedule changed so I called her in the late mornings or early afternoons. Sometimes we miss each other and have to wait until the night. Like you guys, we're usually the last people we talk to before going to bed. And in case you're wondering, yes, I do see her for weeks at a time throughout the year. I don't know if attacking her was the way to go but it's a mistake. She should understand that and maybe this is an opportunity for you both to talk about where things are going and how you can adapt. And then, adapt, and have faith in each other.
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