talking to his wife

[someday]

Ok sometimes the whole thing just makes one say WTF? Or maybe what the HELL?

There is a huge event in my friend’s home town. He and his W have moved so much that I didn’t realize that this was his home town now. I went to event, ended up in front of their home. She comes up to talk to me and, well, just lavishes me with all this detail of their life together. Oh, everything is *wonderful* and all this land that surrounds them is *her* land…and oh, they are just oh so *HAPPY*…which would make me REALLY very happy for him if it were true. It’s not. I know it’s not true.

Grrr….I felt like telling her to get real and please give at least two cents about him!!! For once! It’s NOT about the land or the house or the money or any of that….damn it…..please, please, please just be good to him. He wants you, you have him- appreciate him so he can appreciate you.

[Owl]

Did she know who you are?

 

If so, then maybe she was trying to blow smoke up your tuckus.

 

If not...maybe she really does believe that things are "that good"?

 

Which (to me) would be an indicator that things aren't as they're being portrayed to you.

 

I don't recall your story, friend, and I'm not picking a fight.

 

I'm just curious why you'd get such a different picture from her...ESPECIALLY if she thought you were a stranger with no vested interest...than you get from elsewhere?

[someday]

Yes, she knows me. Really, her H and I are truly 'just friends' but have this connection that's spanned time, distance and life. Neither of us have crossed the line.

 

She doesn’t like me probably because her H does like me. It must be the connection that he and I share- my H dislikes him, too.

 

The story I get is not from him, it's from other's who are in our circle of friends (his sister for one, my sister for another and just general talk amongst the group).

[pollyanna22]

Yes, she knows me. Really, her H and I are truly 'just friends' but have this connection that's spanned time, distance and life. Neither of us have crossed the line.

 

She doesn’t like me probably because her H does like me. It must be the connection that he and I share- my H dislikes him, too.

 

The story I get is not from him, it's from other's who are in our circle of friends (his sister for one, my sister for another and just general talk amongst the group).

 

 

Well theres your first clue...everyone always has something to say about everyone else..my own sister does it! don't believe anything you don't see for yourself..and only half of what you do see! she could be totally fake up who cares, if he was that unhappy he'd be gone period.

[2sure]

It sounds like you know the real him and his wife does not. But then...you didnt even know what town he lived in until you accidentally met his wife in front if their home. Do I have that right?

[someday]

I'm not a stalker! lol, no I didn't know where they had moved to after thier last move (last year).

 

I wonder about this

if he was that unhappy he'd be gone period.

sometimes because this is his second serious R and I think he feels like a failure if this one doesn't work out.

[TigerCub]

Yes, she knows me. Really, her H and I are truly 'just friends' but have this connection that's spanned time, distance and life. Neither of us have crossed the line.

 

She doesn’t like me probably because her H does like me. It must be the connection that he and I share- my H dislikes him, too.

 

She could be saying all that stuff because she thinks you're interested in her husband and she wants to exaggerate their happiness.

 

But, she could also be saying that things are great - because to her, great means something different.

Maybe to her, great means that her H got this big house for them with a lot of land, and he's providing for her.

That's at least, a good gesture for being a provider to his family.

Maybe that's what she considers great.

 

The story I get is not from him, it's from other's who are in our circle of friends (his sister for one, my sister for another and just general talk amongst the group).

Stories from 3rd parties are always up for question, because who really knows what goes on behind closed doors - so unless there has been huge public fights between the guy and his wife, rumors don't have much value.

[TigerCub]

I wonder about this sometimes because this is his second serious R and I think he feels like a failure if this one doesn't work out.

 

I can understand that, but honestly, if someone is miserable, they would swallow their pride and face the fear of looking like a "failure @ relationships" in order to just be happy.

[someday]

I have no intention of starting an affair with him. I try to stay far away from them both. I don't want or need that sorta drama in my life. However, my feelings are still there. He's still running though my mind- all the time. I'm still trying to put all of this in it's proper place within myself.

 

I've no doubt that she and I are very different....so I'd imagine that her 'great' is different from my 'great'...it’s just so disrespectful of her to say that all that land is HERS, and yes she did say it like that, and make it seem like he had no contribution to their property. He works hard and she…shops???...she’s got a part time job.

 

They've no children together, so he must be in it for love. Who knows?

 

Yes, I know 3rd hand news is 3rd hand news. Rumors, hearsay, what not.

[Owl]

Yes, she knows me. Really, her H and I are truly 'just friends' but have this connection that's spanned time, distance and life. Neither of us have crossed the line.

 

She doesn’t like me probably because her H does like me. It must be the connection that he and I share- my H dislikes him, too.

 

The story I get is not from him, it's from other's who are in our circle of friends (his sister for one, my sister for another and just general talk amongst the group).

 

OK, so here's some thoughts.

 

First off...it's pretty clear that if both his wife and her husband suspect/dislike your relationship with each other...clearly it's coming across as MORE THAN JUST A FRIENDSHIP.

 

They suspect that the two of you may be in an EA-type relationship...so it's not surprising that they're not comfortable with it.

 

Good question tho as to whether what's off here is her perception, or what she's trying to tell you.

 

Here's my thought tho...how do you and he feel about your 'relationship'? Where do you see it going?

[someday]

Clearly, they 'feel' our connection to one another. We do not act on this- we talk when we are in contact but we don't seek out each other's company. So for our spouses to 'feel' our connections is, well, it's amazing to me.

 

I see us being friends until the day we leave this world. But as far as our R becoming something more? At this point in time I would have to say that's very doubtful.

 

I guess, the bottom line, is that it really just doesn’t matter much if she really believes things are great in her M or if she's just trying to make me believe her M is great...they are M'ed to each other- that's the way it is. That's what I need to keep in mind.

[TigerCub]

say that all that land is HERS, and yes she did say it like that, and make it seem like he had no contribution to their property.

 

I understood as more of "he did all that for ME" - that kinda HERS.

which is still kinda childish to say but at least my interpretation gave him some credit

[2sure]

Myself or my spouse having a "connection" with someone else...would not be a big deal if I knew there was never going to be a pursuit of that connection beyond an occasional conversation. People in love , people happily married have connections with others, it cannot be helped. Not doing anything to pursue that connection is what happily married people do.

[Owl]

How do you feel about your husband not liking your relationship with this other man?

 

Do you feel like he's being unreasonable?

 

Do you feel like he's got reason to be worried, or would if this guy wasn't married?

 

What about from OMW's angle?

[jthorne]

If there is no relationship, why are you jealous of/hateful towards his wife?

If she says they are happy, shouldn't you wish them that happiness?

 

No judgment, just curious.

[woinlove]

someday, previously you have said that you are in love with another man (not your H) who loves you. Is this friend the man you are in love with? If so, then it seems understandable that his W and your H would feel what you call your connection and your interactions with his W are likely to be affected by that. His W may feel insecure around you and when people feel insecure or threatened they often say silly or inappropriate things.

[fooled once]

Ok sometimes the whole thing just makes one say WTF? Or maybe what the HELL?

There is a huge event in my friend’s home town. He and his W have moved so much that I didn’t realize that this was his home town now. I went to event, ended up in front of their home. She comes up to talk to me and, well, just lavishes me with all this detail of their life together. Oh, everything is *wonderful* and all this land that surrounds them is *her* land…and oh, they are just oh so *HAPPY*…which would make me REALLY very happy for him if it were true. It’s not. I know it’s not true.

Grrr….I felt like telling her to get real and please give at least two cents about him!!! For once! It’s NOT about the land or the house or the money or any of that….damn it…..please, please, please just be good to him. He wants you, you have him- appreciate him so he can appreciate you.

 

only read your initial post but once again, we have an OW who believes she knows what actually goes on in the marital home. We have someone who believes all the crap that comes out of a cheaters mouth And from "friends".

 

Hopefully, HE will make HER happy since HE chose to stay with HER.

[someday]

How do you feel about your husband not liking your relationship with this other man?

 

Do you feel like he's being unreasonable?

 

Do you feel like he's got reason to be worried, or would if this guy wasn't married?

 

What about from OMW's angle?

 

Well, to be honest my H 'tries' to be a very controlling man towards me. I say tries because it used to work now it doesn't and this leads us to arguments. So, he is unreasonable, but not only about this friendship- he's unreasonable about all my time.

 

No my H would have no worries because as I've said I will not start an A with this friend of mine, or any guy for that matter.

 

Jthorne (sorry don't know how to do the quote thingy twice.)

If there is no relationship, why are you jealous of/hateful towards his wife?

If she says they are happy, shouldn't you wish them that happiness?

 

If I believed that they were happy I would be very happy for both of them. When they first got together they were happy- I could see it in them. It's not that way anymore.

 

woinlove, yes he's the same man. I know she doesn’t' like me, but she has no real reason to base her dislike on me on....just her gut. This is another reason why I try just to stay away from both of them.

 

fooled once:

only read your initial post

 

Read more of my posts and you will get a much better understanding of what this is about. I'm not an ow, nor will I become an ow...but I still feel what I feel for him. I want him to be happy. He is M'ed to her- I wish she could appreciate him for who he is and not just what he does for her.

[Owl]

Do you feel that the "connection" between you and this man could be an "emotional affair"?

 

Even if you've not officially recognized it as such...never communicated it out loud to each other...what you describe sounds VERY much like one to me.

 

Neither of your spouses are comfortable with this relationship between the two of you...that should tell the both of you something...should prompt some changes that it appears neither of you are willing to consider.

 

What are you doing to improve things in your marriage? How are you trying to improve the communication, reduce that "controlling tendency" of your husband, find ways to reassure him that your marriage is indeed safe from outside influences (like this friend)?

 

From my perspective, if you're this emotionally invested in your friend...that in itself is a threat to the marriage. Both of your spouses recognize this, even if the two of you are turning a blind eye to it.

 

I get that you're not willing to give up this friendship...so what are you doing to safeguard and shore up your marriage...and what is your friend doing on his side?

[someday]

Do you feel that the "connection" between you and this man could be an "emotional affair"?

 

Even if you've not officially recognized it as such...never communicated it out loud to each other...what you describe sounds VERY much like one to me.

 

Neither of your spouses are comfortable with this relationship between the two of you...that should tell the both of you something...should prompt some changes that it appears neither of you are willing to consider.

 

What are you doing to improve things in your marriage? How are you trying to improve the communication, reduce that "controlling tendency" of your husband, find ways to reassure him that your marriage is indeed safe from outside influences (like this friend)?

 

From my perspective, if you're this emotionally invested in your friend...that in itself is a threat to the marriage. Both of your spouses recognize this, even if the two of you are turning a blind eye to it.

 

I get that you're not willing to give up this friendship...so what are you doing to safeguard and shore up your marriage...and what is your friend doing on his side?

 

Yes, I guess it could be an emotional affair- but in all honesty it’s really not either. If I was single and he was single yes, I would seek out his company. As it is, no, I can’t so I don’t. My heart still feels what it feels. I keep my distance because I know I’m vulnerable to him- he keeps his distance from me- we actively do not feed this connection. It’s hard to explain.

 

My M? What am I doing to improve my M? good question. Really, I don’t know. I address the issues, really, it’s up to him to improve his controlling tendency I don’t know how to make him do that.

 

I’ve never cheated & I never will. I don’t talk about this friend of mine, mostly he’s just in the back of my head. You know my H told me, that when we first got together, he’d ask his friends to hit on me to see what I’d do. WTH is that about? My H’s told me that he has had me followed. My H monitors my cell phone calls & text messages. He monitors my fb and email accounts- he’s told, in the past, that if I ever leave him he will find me. (Like I’d hide or something). How do I ‘improve’ this behavior from him?

 

What do I do? I live my life, I do my thing…I’ve nothing to hide in my actions.

[Minnie09]

Truth be spoken: you sound as jealous as she does. If you were his friend, you would be happy that he's happy. And it sounds like he is. It makes him happy to support and provide for her, and he loves her. You should support him in that.

 

His W is jealous, because of your EA. She suspects something. So does your H.

 

You're unhappy in your M. Nobody but yourself can change that for you. I'm sorry your M isn't what you want, but getting emotionally involved with someone who is married won't make your life any better, especially since your friend doesn't sound like he wants to change his situation.

[someday]

The best thing I can do is keep out of his life- which is what I do....and I still feel what I feel...oh, what am I even doing here on LS?? Nothing is ever going to change so theres really nothing to talk about. Just things that roll thru my head...and when a chance encounter happends....its all back in the front of my mind...and it all amounts to nothing anyway.

[Owl]

Yes, I guess it could be an emotional affair- but in all honesty it’s really not either. If I was single and he was single yes, I would seek out his company. As it is, no, I can’t so I don’t. My heart still feels what it feels. I keep my distance because I know I’m vulnerable to him- he keeps his distance from me- we actively do not feed this connection. It’s hard to explain.

 

Your heart feels what it feels. And that, by itself, is what causes everyone else to feel uncomfortable with the relationship between the two of you.

 

I'm not sure that it's reasonable to expect anyone to be comfortable with that relationship in light of that.

 

I certainly wouldn't be comfortable with my wife continuing any kind of interaction with someone that she felt this way about.

 

Simply put, it will always be a threat to your marriage. And to his marriage.

 

Even if you feel right now that you won't act on it...we've seen waaaayyyy too many stories here where people 'felt they could handle it' to suddenly realizing that 'it was out of our control'.

 

My M? What am I doing to improve my M? good question. Really, I don’t know. I address the issues, really, it’s up to him to improve his controlling tendency I don’t know how to make him do that.

 

I’ve never cheated & I never will. I don’t talk about this friend of mine, mostly he’s just in the back of my head. You know my H told me, that when we first got together, he’d ask his friends to hit on me to see what I’d do. WTH is that about? My H’s told me that he has had me followed. My H monitors my cell phone calls & text messages. He monitors my fb and email accounts- he’s told, in the past, that if I ever leave him he will find me. (Like I’d hide or something). How do I ‘improve’ this behavior from him?

 

What do I do? I live my life, I do my thing…I’ve nothing to hide in my actions.

 

Clearly your husband isn't secure in your marriage...and apparently hasn't been since you first got together.

 

So the answer takes a couple of things. First, you need to find ways to build his confidence and trust in you. Maintaining a friendship with this other guy is the exact opposite of what you need to be doing here to help that. On the contrary, it's constantly undermining and eroding any trust that he'd have built up. Find ways to reassure him, to build his confidence, to demonstrate to him that you're a safe partner.

 

Second, help him understand the basis for his fears. Was he cheated on in the past? Did his parents cheat? Why is he insecure? Understanding the why can help lead to the how to fix steps.

 

Counseling, both MC and IC could help the two of you work through all of this. Help buildup that communication. The better the communication, the better the trust.

 

It sounds like you've been "standing up to him" lately...which can be both good and bad. Do it for the right reasons, in the right direction, and it's great. INSIST on counseling...INSIST that he go with you, just as you've been dealing with his 'controlling behaviors'.

 

Standing up to him in order to disregard his concerns will again undermine and erode trust. Telling him that you're never giving up this friendship, even if he's uncomfortable with it will do the same.

 

From my perspective, you're sitting at a decision point. You're in a relationship that both spouses don't trust/dislike...for some pretty obvious reasons when you look at it.

 

Your marriage isn't what you want it to be.

 

You can either take actions to fix it, end it, or continue on the way you have been until something else outside of your control forces a change.

 

It's up to you.

[someday]

Ok, just to reiterate, we (my friend and I) do not ACT on anything. We do not seek out each other’s company. The last time I saw him was at a funeral of a friend. He came up and sat by me, didn’t say a word- took my hand and patted it & moved on.. That’s it. And truly it was nothing out of the ordinary from what everyone was doing. That was 2 months ago. Before that was this summer. And then this weekend. I know that I couldn’t handle an A type of situation. So I actively do not ‘go there’ with him. I’m not even trying to kid myself into thinking that this wouldn’t get out of hand for both of us.

 

I think I’m just about done with my M, with my H. He’s never going to change and seems to be getting worse in his behavior. He was ok for a few years now it’s all going to hell again. I’m pretty much done beating my head against that brick wall. I think he knows this and it’s scaring the crap out of him…and that kind of scares me.

[Owl]

I started to prepare a long drawn out post with ideas and suggestions...and then realized that you really aren't here looking for those, or at least the suggestions and ideas that I'm bringing.

 

I'm going to back off, and wish you the best. If at some point you feel that you would like my advice, feel free to PM me or just ask for me in a thread.

 

Good luck to you my friend. I hope this works out the best it can for everyone involved.