Is it okay for your significant other to make friends of the opposite sex?

[chelle21689]

Are you okay with your s.o making friends of the opposite sex? What are some boundaries that you put?

 

I have a hard time with this...thinking what is crossing the lines and what isn't. I have had guy friends that I've made, that I've hung out with alone, that I haven't had feelings for. I used to have guy friends but nowadays I don't seem to have much friends anymore lol. I know it's hypocritical but I hate when he hangs out with females alone. I worry that he'll fall in love or his friend's intentions are wrong.

 

I want to make some boundaries but I don't know what kind besides no physical touching (of course that means kissing, sex, sexual, cuddling, holding hands, etc). My bf isn't the jealous type...even if he does get jealous it's only a little bit and it never caused issues in our relationship. Honestly, my jealousy has almost ruined our relationship a couple times. Because he is rarely jealous, I'm a little scared that he doesn't understand how I feel of what's inappropriate or not. I consider late night talking for hours inappropriate, but then again I've done that chatting online with guys friends that I was completely unattracted to but have stopped myself talking just because it was getting late.

Edited October 4, 2010 by chelle21689

[denise_xo]

I have several male friends. The boundary is that I have no feelings for them. I expect my partner to trust me on that, just as I trust him.

[redtail]

Are you okay with your s.o making friends of the opposite sex? What are some boundaries that you put?

...

 

I am okay with it, so is my wife. I have a few female friends but they never take priority over my wife. However I think your second question is really what you want to know, what boundaries are inplace so that you can trust your partner.

 

In my opinion, you need to have a conversation with your BF so that he understands your concerns. That doesn't mean he will honor them necessrily, it means he will understand. Hopefully he can convey to you, his feelings about trust in you with other men as friends. Communication seems to be whats missing here.

[InternationalPlayboy]

This is tricky for my wife and I. We don't discuss it often as there's not much to discuss but the general ground rules are she can have male friends whom she sees alone or in groups - afterwork type things or lunch. I'm not threatened by it and don't care so it's not a big deal. Plus, I truly, truly, truly trust my wife.

 

She however has always been suspicious of my female friends. Shortly after we married, I became friends with a new female co-worker. And we'd sometimes hang out with others from the office after work or grab lunch alone - pretty much the same thing my wife does with some of her male co-worker friends. But after a few months my wife told me she could not accept my friendship with this female co-worker and asked that I stop seeing here either alone or in a group. I stopped cold-turkey, no big deal. The whole episode showed me exactly where our boundaries were for friendships with the opposite sex and I was okay with that.

 

A couple years ago, a family moved in down the street and we quickly became friendly with them. However, the other wife and I truly hit it off as we had very similar backgrounds, interests and senses of humor. We often saw each other without our spouses, but never alone as our kids were the same age and regularly played together. I treaded lightly knowing of my wife's boundaries with friends of the opposite sex and she handled our friendship well. Only once did my wife ask if I thought the other woman was attractive or whether she'd ever flirted with me or not. I told my wife that yes, the other woman is attractive but that we'd never flirted. This satisfied my wife's concerns and the topic never came up again in those terms.

[chelle21689]

International Playboy, just curious. You don't think it's a little "dangerous" spending time with an attractive woman? Cause feelings to grow? Why put yourself in that type of situation? Again, just trying to see the other side of it and understand. Not trying to insult you at all. Oh and why did you stop hanging out with the female co-worker if your wife was DOING the same thing, did you ask her to stop too? Or did you ever point it out to her? haha

 

To be honest, I became close friends with a guy from school I found attractive. I thought he was cute and at first I did have a small crush. I think it was really wrong for me to continue the friendship and put my relationship in danger...but honestly I saw it as a crush that would pass which did. We became good friends but never flirted or crossed boundaries..nor did my feelings grow. I guess it's hard to imagine my bf stopping himself from falling in love w/ someone else and liking someone else, it's not a pleasant thought lol

Edited October 5, 2010 by chelle21689

[InternationalPlayboy]

International Playboy, just curious. You don't think it's a little "dangerous" spending time with an attractive woman? Cause feelings to grow? Why put yourself in that type of situation? Again, just trying to see the other side of it and understand. Not trying to insult you at all. Oh and why did you stop hanging out with the female co-worker if your wife was DOING the same thing, did you ask her to stop too? Or did you ever point it out to her? haha

 

To be honest, I became close friends with a guy from school I found attractive. I thought he was cute and at first I did have a small crush. I think it was really wrong for me to continue the friendship and put my relationship in danger...but honestly I saw it as a crush that would pass which did. We became good friends but never flirted or crossed boundaries..nor did my feelings grow. I guess it's hard to imagine my bf stopping himself from falling in love w/ someone else and liking someone else, it's not a pleasant thought lol

 

Actually, my friendship with this woman was the subject of a thread I created a couple weeks ago. There is an element of danger - others on the thread said it was clear I had a crush on this woman, which is probably true. But I also know myself well enough to know I would never make the first move much less really even flirt with her. Perhaps my wife sensed that which would explain why our friendship didn't worry her. Nonetheless, that possibility has ended as we no longer live in the same neighborhood or even the same state having recently moved. Though we still maintain some contact via e-mail and Facebook - all of which my wife is aware of.

 

I stopped hanging out with the female co-worker because my wife asked me to. Simple as that. It bothered her immensely - though she tried to hide it at first - so the decision was easy. I never asked her to do the same because it never concerned me. I fully trust her and she's never given me a reason to think otherwise. Trust me - I've pried and never found a thing, nothing even close. I've never been the jealous or possessive type. Yes she's my wife, but she's her own person first and foremost. I trust her decisions and I'm pretty confident she wouldn't screw things up. I never pointed out the double standard because it really never bothered me.

 

I don't know how old you are, but in my case we've been married 12 years and we're both inching toward 40 and I've just found it's a lot more difficult to have a crush or "fall in love" even hypothetically like I did in my 20s or so. I don't know if I've just gotten more jaded or what, but I think the tendency to flirt or have a crush on someone diminishes over time. It has for me.

 

But the idea of lusting after someone? That never dies and certainly needs to be kept in check.

[chelle21689]

I guess in a way your relationship with that wife was similar to how I dealed with my friendship. I was attracted but never flirted, never talked about inappropriate topics, and it wasn't putting my relationship in danger (I wasn't falling for him or having intense growing feelings). I still think it's best to stay away from those type of situations though...for some reason now I am more conscious about it and try to avoid it.

 

I'm 21, my bf is 22. We been together for 5 years. Oh, and I'm just wondering...isn't crush and lust the same thing??? I rarely ever have those feelings for anyone else but my bf. Haha, I had a crush on a celebrity for a couple of months (Mohinder on heroes!) which I didn't feel guilty about cuz I didn't know him LOL. But if I were to know a guy personally and had a friendship that's a diff story.

[InternationalPlayboy]

Well the idea of lusting after someone can differ from flirting with that person, I suppose. Perhaps I'm compartmentalizing, but I do see differences in the two terms. As I said in my other thread, I sometimes wondered how life would be different had the neighbor wife and I met before we'd met our spouses. Which I suppose is more "crush" than "lust." Clearly, I'm splitting hairs.

 

As far as lust goes - I feel lust in my heart just walking around town, going for coffee, watching the pilates class while I run the treadmill etc etc etc. Luckily, I don't act on it.

 

When my wife asked me to stop contact with the female co-worker, we'd only been married a few months and it was clearly too much for her to handle. By the time we became friends with our neighbors, we both had matured which may explain why she was not threatened by my friendship with the wife.

 

It sounds like you're handling it quite well for someone your age, I believe. You've made some wise choices!

[vhaukl]

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