Need a man's ...

[MissWild]

First of let me just say that I am and have been a promotional/lingerie model for the past 6 months and am currently with an agency and other adult modelling websites with online portfolio's.

 

I have been with my now fiance for a year and 8 months and love him dearly. Over the past 6 months I have started noticing strange behaviour on his part. I am constantly seeing viewing history on my online modelling profiles, not just one profile but all of them with the same history of nude and sexually suggestive photo's he is browsing through. It is usually early morning before I wake up ( he is an early riser) or after I have gone to bed at night.

 

The internet history is the same only I think he has viewed every naked photo/porn video/magazine known to man. Why does he have the need to constantly and regularly view multiple naked photo's of different women?

 

I just recently joined with another agency the other day and they sent me their website to look at. I asked him to view the website and see if it looks legit and The next morning I wake up to find that he has been looking through the nude pics on there as well. He went straight to the girls photo's and didn't look around the site.

 

I find it disturbing, does he have some kind of addiction? I know he is not cheating on me as 1. He is not that type of person and 2. He gave me access to his passwords/phone , etc.

 

Our sex life is fantastic and is always spontaneous, he says that I am the best he has ever had and that no-one has ever made him feel the way I do sexually.

 

He is currently away for work with my cousin and has mentioned that while he is away, if I feel the need to sleep with other men then he is fine with that. He has also mentioned that he would like to see me with another man sexually. This surprised me!

 

I don't understand his behaviour these past 6 months. I do know he has low self esteem but I don't understand why as he is a gorgeous man on the inside and out.

 

As mentioned we are engaged and looking to get married fairly soon. We have also spoken about having kids, before he left to go away for work he wanted me to stop taking the pill (birth control pill), but today when i spoke to him he said to keep on taking it. (which of course broke my heart). I don't know what to do and I have tried talking to him about everything but we end up in an argument.

 

It seems to me that my career has something to do with his attitude, I have asked him about the erotic photo's and he says he has no need to look or want for them so i asked him to stop viewing them for 24 hours ( to see if he has an addiction to erotica) and well WW3 broke loose, he ranted and raved about how if he is not aloud to look at erotica then i am not aloud to be a model or even look sideways at a man etc... This is not normal behaviour for him and i am worried about his mental health. Am I overreacting? Or does he really have a problem? Every other aspect of our life is fantastic, so I am confused as to why he is acting like this.

 

Thank you in advance.

[Bryanp]

Do not marry this man. You do not want to have a family with him. He is encouraging you to sleep with other men while he is away and he wishes to see you have sex with other men. I think he is clearly disrespecting you telling you to screw other men while he is away. He sounds like he is certainly an addict. Why would you want to marry a man and raise children with his attitude? I have a hunch that he has more other disturbing behaviors.

 

Do you really think you would want to be marry to a man and raise children who wants you to have sex with other men whether he is watching or not even present. The best advise I can give you is to break up with this man and find someone who can respect you and can respect the concept of a commitment in a relationship. He will bring you nothing but heartache. I wish you luck.

[YellowShark]

Hi Miss Wild,

 

You definitely have a few red flags you need to nip in the butt before you marry this man.

 

It isn't weird to look at porn on the internet unless it's an obsession. If what you write is accurate it sounds like your husband-to-be has a serious obsession with surfing for porn on the internet. And when you confront him he gaslights you... and successfully makes you feel bad for questioning his unhealthy obsession.

 

It is weird to encourage your fiance - you - to have sex with other men while he is away for work. I would be totally uncomfortable with that. It sounds like to me he wants an "open" marriage/relationship. One in which there are many sexual partners involved.

 

It is also weird that he wants to watch you with another man sexually. That means to me he views you as an object. Like your in his own private porno show/movie in your own bedroom for him to watch live.

 

So you have to ask yourself is that what you want for a marriage?

 

Those are the serious red flags that I see. The open "swinger" relationship would be a deal-breaker for me, the internet porn obsession could be addressed if he went to talk to a therapist.

 

Best of luck.

[MissWild]

I had a long conversation with him today on the phone as he is away for work. I think you are both right, I think he see's me as a sexual object even though he claims to love and respect me and want to get married blah, blah, blah. I told him that I want a family life, meaning marriage and kids etc. I also was straight up and said that if he chooses to stay with me then this obsession with him watching me have sex with another man has to stop as it is disturbing. He agreed and said it was only a fantasy for him and he just wants to make me happy! I also asked him if he wants to be in an open relationship and he said no, he went on to say that he knows i am a very sexual person and if i want to have sex while he is away that he is comfortable with that as he doesn't want me doing it behind his back, so to speak.

 

I was shocked today when he asked me if he could show some of my x rated "adult modelling photo's" that he has on his phone to some of his work buddies. I got quite upset and he apologised and said that he is not ashamed of me or my "talents" in anyway, he also went on to say that I have these types of photo's on the internet and didn't think it would be that big of an issue to show some of his work buddies... I do not understand why he is doing this, it is so out of character for him.

 

Does he now have some kind of ego now that he has an adult model for a fiance? He was not like this before, he was the sweetest, gentlest man any girl would dream of. His mindset has changed... I love him dearly and would like to work on our relationship/his behaviour.

 

The question is where do I start?

 

About his porn obsession, i have noticed in the last 2 weeks that he has stopped... I am happy about this but at the same time i don't want him to feel like he cannot even look at a piece of porn material. I just want the constant viewing to be reduced.

Edited October 5, 2010 by MissWild

[YellowShark]

....this obsession with him watching me have sex with another man has to stop as it is disturbing. He agreed and said it was only a fantasy for him and he just wants to make me happy!

 

Make you happy? What a load of crap. How does him watching you get banged by another man make 'you' happy? Lol! He must think you're an idiot!

 

I was shocked today when he asked me if he could show some of my x rated "adult modelling photo's" that he has on his phone to some of his work buddies. I got quite upset and he apologised and said that he is not ashamed of me or my "talents" in anyway, he also went on to say that I have these types of photo's on the internet and didn't think it would be that big of an issue to show some of his work buddies...

 

Once again that is a red flag. He sees you as an object to show off to his work buddies. And frankly showing off your fiance's xrated images is in really bad taste. It crosses the professional line for me and I would not want the men at my husbands work to be looking at my naked photos. That's just wrong and totally the innapropriate place for pornography.

 

I'm sorry to say but this guy sounds like a jerk who views you as an object and doesn't have any boundaries or common sense. Just sayin'

[Woman In Blue]

The guy's a deviant. You're just one big sexual playtoy to him.

 

Since you're supposedly going to marry this guy, why would you have kids before you're married? What's the rush?

 

Quite honestly, I believe if you DO get pregnant, you'll destroy his sexual desire for you when you become a "mother" and are no longer a sex toy. That's going to blast his fantasy of you right to smithereens.

 

The absolute LAST thing I'd do with this guy is have kids with him - OR marry him. Seriously.

[abouttoloseit]

Your guys sounds a bit weird in this regard ---> the whole having sex with another guy.

 

However...are you modeling underwear and outfits, or is it x rated pornographic? If it's the latter, must I be the ******* to point this out... to most men, you'll become an object of desire.

 

As he points out, if you're all over the internet, with guys looking at you and doing god knows what...where's the problem with his work collegues looking too? A bit hypocritical is it not? Is this not the whole point of porn? I mean this in the upmost respectful way possible, because I can see a can of worms coming my way if I word this incorrectly.

 

Porn exists so guys and girls get excited etc. They don't want to know what your interests are, or what your hobbies are...they just want to get off. Also, if your job/profession is x rated modelling/pornography, and that both you and he are not ashamed of it, why is he not allowed to look at it and others involved?

 

Im a drummer, thats like asking my girlfriend (if I had one) to never listen to ANY OTHER BAND OR MUSIC unless it was my own. Bit unfair no?

 

But...regards porn, why doesn't he want to look at you?

 

Hmmm, he has no problem, with the amount of guys looking at you online...but you have a problem with him looking at porn. You sure there is no sort of...spite thing going on? He probably thinks he is allowed to watch as much as he wants, as he may think you're ok with this, because you model yourself.

 

I dunno...

[unappreciated]

Hey I Figured since you have been so helpful to me I would see if maybe I could offer you some in return. One thing that caught my attention right away was you saying that he has a low self esteem but is very attractive and really has no reason to be. I know for me, I have a lower self esteem then I probably should. I get a lot of attention from females but I always conjure up some other reason in my head as to why I would be. In other words I never give myself credit for anything not just when it comes to woman and appearance. For me, I think this is because of my dad. He was always very negative ever since I was very young. I was always a really good athelete. I was good at any sport I cared to try at. In high school after a football game or wrestling match I used to dread talking to my dad no matter how well I did because he always had some reason tocall me a "pussy" for this or that. That pretty much sums up my relationship with my dad. He always finds a way to make me feel stupid. If he had a similar situation growing up I would bet on that being the cause of his low self esteem. As far as the nudy pics and stuff goes, I think its just a man's nature. I mean there is a reason why it is such a lucrative industry. Some may be more into it then others but we all enjoy seeing a beautiful naked woman, some even enjoy a nice round woman...One thing that is a little odd though is that he actually told you to sleep around while he was gone. Some people have healthy loving relationships that are open like that and it works for them. In order for that to work both people need to be 100% comfortable with it. He may just be that type of person and if you are ok with it then you both should indulge. The way I see it, the fact that he is comfortable with dating a woman who is a nude model(I hink you said you do nude as well and there is nothing wrong with it) suggest that he may be the type of person who would be into the swinging if you wanna call it that. At the same time, I probably wouldnt mind if my fiance was a nude model because I am the one that gets to actually be with her. I also see it as a compliment when gets hit on, unless the guy is direspectful to her and/or our relationship. Really I think this whole situation just depends on what you are comfortable with. Dont worry about the internet browsing unless he starts looking at weird **** like animals haha. Well I hope this helps at least a little.

[unappreciated]

Oh I didnt even read the part where you said the sex with another man disturbed you whoops. I have read a lot of men confessing to wanting or fantisizing about there wife having sex with someone else. Like I said above if you are both ok with it then cool but since thats not the case it needs to remain just a fantasy and there is nothing wrong with that. I have on occassion thought about the same thing but not so much fantasized. It is just something taboo and people are naturally drawn to "breaking the rules". But the aftermath of actually caring out that situation is unthinkable and the actual reality of it is sickening to me. My fiance did mention after I asked her about her fantasies that she has fantasized about being with two men, no one in particular. Part of me thought this was cool but part of me was like wtf is she some closet fluzzy or something. Again it is just a fantasy and when I asked her why and if she ever would actually really want it she said she wouldnt want it to really happen but she liked the idea of being the center of attention and also to be in control of who is doing what to her and when. Sounds like she is a bit controlling I know and yes, she can be haha. Fantasies are healthy to have and to share with your partner as long as they dont go over board.