I think this counts as abuse... you?

[KikiW]

A couple threads back I wrote about a cell phone issue. Relates to the same girl, but for those just joining this drama, here's the shortest version I can give:

 

Fiance's daughter lives about 1400 miles away with her mother - she came up here for 6 weeks this summer. Fiance and I are getting married in about 6 weeks and the families are meeting halfway for a small ceremony. Because we are low on funds, we had to cut corners where we could, one of them being on the girls' dresses. After discovering that his daughter does not fit into junior bridesmaid sizes and instead needs size 16 regular (according to bridal shop), we found 2 patterns at the fabric shop that are virtually identical, and all the material we needed. Made my daughter's dress right away, waited to make his daughter's dress until I got bust, waist hip measurements from his mother.

 

Thank god I did. In the 2 weeks since she went to the bridal shop, she apparently has gone up another dress size. She is a size 18! And I completely panicked, because according to the pattern, size 18 (the largest size for this pattern) measurements are 40, 32, 42. His daughter is 42, 44, 45! His mom measured her twice to make sure the measurements were right.

 

I had gotten extra fabric in case of boo-boos, and my mother says we should be able to adjust the pattern to give some extra room, make 2 seams and let one out gently if it's too tight, so I think I can still make the dress.

 

What I am horribly disgusted by is the fact that her mother has neglected her health like this! When she was here over the summer, I had the kids on a regular eating schedule - breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, dinner - all spaced 2-3 hours apart and mostly healthy stuff. She lost about 15 pounds here. Apparently, in the 2 months she has been home, she has gained it all back and now added more. Fiance is beside himself about what he can do, options do not seem available unless he wants to try to take his ex to court... daughter has already expressed negative interest in living here, so I am certain she would become resentful of being taken away from her mother after what would surely be a long battle (IF he actually won, that is).

 

I was a complete lunatic last night, realizing his ex isn't giving her the supervision she needs. I know it comes mostly from my PMS, but she herself is a huge fat cow and she's setting her own child (WHO HASN'T EVEN TURNED 13 YET, that's in a few days) to be one too. The health problems, the peer pressure... I see it all coming a mile away.

 

Talking to his ex does nothing. She is always "right" and anything negative is always someone else's fault. She told my fiance before his daughter came up that HE would "have to do something about her weight" - oh look, we DID, and YOU SABOTAGED IT. She went back home asking her mother for healthier foods to eat. Think she got them?

 

I don't know what to do. I don't know if there's anything TO do or anything we CAN do.

 

Has anyone else dealt with child obesity involving an ex? Call the school nurse (which may go nowhere - small town, and his ex was a substitute teacher there)? Child protective services? Can't call her pediatrician, ex used to use the ER as her doctor, she doesn't have a regular physician.

 

Please, any ideas or advice would be welcome. This is just too sad for words.

[greengoddess]

Please please please do not call the school nurse. She will be mortified if she gets called to the nurse t discuss her weight.

 

You already know the mom will not help but you DO know the daughter is interested in a healthier lifestyle. Why don't you be an online exercise and diet coach to her. Present it nicely. I don't care if you yourself are in perfect shape. ou can tell her you strugggle to watch your weight and force yourself to exercise daily. Email each other everyday with an accountability of what you ate for the day and what you did for exercise. You may have to fudge yours a little if you are someone who can eat whatever they like. Befriend her and help her make good choices with the foods she has.

 

Calling the mom or her a fat cow will not help...

[greengoddess]

Oh and just to add I hate hate hate when I see overweight children. It breaks my heart but I NEVER assume abuse. You said the mom is large also. It is possible that the mom does not know proper nutrition or the mom could be trying but something is slipping through the cracks that she does not realize is making her gain weight.

 

My daughter has a girlfriend that she always said mom I can not understand why she is so heavy. She really does not eat any unhealthy food and doesn't eat that much. Well she stayed overnight with us one evening and in the course of an evening drank a whole gallon of milk.

Do you know how many calories that is?

 

My daughter was shocked when I told her it was the milk. This girl thought she was doing the right, healthy thing for her body by drinking a lot of milk.

I explained to my daughter that it is the calories and she is drinking milk to an excess. My daughter told her friend she should switch to 2 percent milk and to watch how much she drinks. The girl instantly lost a lot of weight and she is a perfectly proportioned teen now.

 

If you email and keep each other accountable and make sure she includes what she drinks you may be able to help her.

[KikiW]

Please please please do not call the school nurse. She will be mortified if she gets called to the nurse t discuss her weight.

 

You already know the mom will not help but you DO know the daughter is interested in a healthier lifestyle. Why don't you be an online exercise and diet coach to her. Present it nicely. I don't care if you yourself are in perfect shape. ou can tell her you strugggle to watch your weight and force yourself to exercise daily. Email each other everyday with an accountability of what you ate for the day and what you did for exercise. You may have to fudge yours a little if you are someone who can eat whatever they like. Befriend her and help her make good choices with the foods she has.

 

Calling the mom or her a fat cow will not help...

 

Good idea, except I can't. Her mother does not have internet access at her house. She is only online if she visits my fiance's mother's house.

 

And I have never called her mother OR her a fat cow. I think I am allowed to vent my frustrations here and say what's in my head relatively unedited. I am no skinny thing, but if ever a woman deserved to be called a fat cow, it is her. She is ignorant, lazy, and blames everyone else for her lot in life. The saddest part of it is that she IS setting her daughter up to be just like her. She feeds her crap food, takes no responsibility for her daughter's weight issues, and expects a magic wand to make everything better (but when she gets a magic wand, she'll complain about that too... it didn't arrive soon enough, it wasn't shiny enough, it didn't fix EVERY problem).

[KikiW]

Oh and just to add I hate hate hate when I see overweight children. It breaks my heart but I NEVER assume abuse. You said the mom is large also. It is possible that the mom does not know proper nutrition or the mom could be trying but something is slipping through the cracks that she does not realize is making her gain weight.

 

My daughter has a girlfriend that she always said mom I can not understand why she is so heavy. She really does not eat any unhealthy food and doesn't eat that much. Well she stayed overnight with us one evening and in the course of an evening drank a whole gallon of milk.

Do you know how many calories that is?

 

My daughter was shocked when I told her it was the milk. This girl thought she was doing the right, healthy thing for her body by drinking a lot of milk.

I explained to my daughter that it is the calories and she is drinking milk to an excess. My daughter told her friend she should switch to 2 percent milk and to watch how much she drinks. The girl instantly lost a lot of weight and she is a perfectly proportioned teen now.

 

If you email and keep each other accountable and make sure she includes what she drinks you may be able to help her.

 

We talked a lot about different foods when she was here. I explained all about the milk issue, I explained about how our stomachs are naturally the size of our fists and only expand so much before they stretch out, I explained about fast foods, taught her how to read nutritional labels, taught her about portion control (for weeks she would shovel dinner in and immediately ask for another plate... it took that long to divert her to an apple, or a banana, or a yogurt... and desserts for nearly every meal were expected.).

 

Her mother has no interest in being healthy. She has no interest in taking an active role in raising her daughter with good nutrition. She is more interested in trying to manipulate my fiance into buying the kid a brand new cell phone, or going off for the weekend or out to the bars at night with her physically abusive boyfriend.

 

They live in the south, in an area where obesity is highest in the country. Her good role models are limited, even among fiance's family (no offense intended, but his mother, brother, brother's wife, and son are ALL overweight as well).

 

It seems pretty clear that there is little that can be done. We can only try and re-teach her when she is with us.

[2sure]

My daughter was fat. I am thin because of my metabolism, eating habits, and exercise. I would make sure she ate right, avoid the wrong foods, and encourage her to exercise. Shopping was a nightmare because she was miserable with how she looked. It was really hard to not try to criticize her, hover over her, control her...and support and encourage her. In fact, it didnt change her weight.

 

But, when she turned 13 she took an interest herself. She is 14 now and looks great. So, that worked out. What I'm saying is...there is only so much you can do. At that age, the ultimate decision has to start with them and then you can go from there.

 

Address it as you can when you can. Do Not Make this dress the jump point.

[greengoddess]

I think your issues run much much deeper than this girls weight. I think you are using her weight as a reason to bad mouth her mom. You seem much to invested in this woman who should have zero bearing on your life.You seem to really hate this man's exwife when you really probably don't even know the woman. Your fiance wants to knock her parenting and act like good parents when he moved 1,200 miles away from his own daughter for a woman????

 

This poor kid...does she really want to be in the wedding? I bet not. I bet she just wants to have her dad around again.

[KikiW]

@2Sure - No, I won't make the dress a jump point. My mother and I are going to work on it tomorrow and it will either fit or it won't. I'm planning on bring all the sewing instruments down so we can do last minute adjustments if needed, but we'll also have her bring a nice dress she already has as a backup. I hope she does like your daughter did and is able to help herself get healthier.

 

@greengoddess - You'd lose that bet, actually. The first thing she asked her dad when he told her we were engaged was if she was invited to the wedding. When he told her that she was not only invited but would be standing right next to him, she was thrilled and started asking all kinds of questions about when and where.

 

I am sorry if you got the impression I sit around and stew about this woman all day simply because my frustrations had peaked and I needed to let off some steam. And yeah, I dislike her. I dislike her because she openly badmouths my fiance to her daughter, involves her daughter in arguments with him, openly lies to her daughter...

 

I dislike her because when his daughter was visiting and asked me to dye her hair for her, I told her I would be happy to but that her mom had to give her dad express permission for me to do so - reasonable don't you think? Considerate, perhaps? Yeah, well, when fiance asked if it was ok, everyone in the room could hear her through the phone start screaming obscenities, accusing everyone of talking about her. He tried calmly to get a yes or no answer, even saying if she would prefer daughter wait until she get back that would be fine, but she continued on yelling and eventually hung up on him. Caused his daughter to burst into tears. When daughter tried to call her back, she hung up on HER, making her even MORE upset. About an hour of drama over a simple question. That is just ONE instance. So yeah, I don't like her very much, and I don't apologize for not liking her very much.

 

Perhaps I care too much about fiance's daughter's wellbeing. I am a terrible person, I suppose.

[greengoddess]

LOL would you want your daughter's dads girlfriend to dye her hair? Think about it. How many times has this girl met you? Just a year ago this poor kid did not know her dad had a girldriend let alone her dad was moving 1200 miles away. Was it a surprise to his exwife too? Could that be where the bad mouthing comes from? His avoidance? Has the daughter's mom met you? If yes in what circumstances? You should have told her sorry that is not my place to dye your hair. Your mom can do it for you. Problem solved. Especially since she is only 13.

[KikiW]

LOL would you want your daughter's dads girlfriend to dye her hair? Think about it. How many times has this girl met you? Just a year ago this poor kid did not know her dad had a girldriend let alone her dad was moving 1200 miles away. Was it a surprise to his exwife too? Could that be where the bad mouthing comes from? His avoidance? Has the daughter's mom met you? If yes in what circumstances? You should have told her sorry that is not my place to dye your hair. Your mom can do it for you. Problem solved. Especially since she is only 13.

 

Ok, I am not sure where you are getting your information, but I will be happy to clear up a few things.

 

I have spent time with his daughter on 5 different extended weekend trips while fiance and I were in an LDR, and she came up last Christmas, I went down with him in spring, then she came up for 6 weeks during the summer. Not to mention phone conversations and Skyping.

 

He and I have been dating for almost 2 years, and she has known about me for most of that time.

 

I have not met her mother personally, and I have no desire nor inclination to. I have heard her screeching through the phone enough, as well as heard anecdotes from other people enough to know that she is not someone I need to get to know. I was more than cordial and accomodating in the phone conversations, but I am not sure why you think it's important that I meet her.

 

As far as the hair dye thing, I initially told her it wasn't a good idea if I did it, and she said her mother had done it for her already and it was ok. I compromised by telling her if mom gave the ok, then she could get her hair dyed. Is it so hard to say "no, I'd rather take care of that here at home." than start screaming foul language and hanging up on your own kid? Apparently that is perfectly acceptable to some people.

 

Like I said before, maybe I am taking too much interest in the wellbeing of a girl who is going to be my step-daughter in a month. Ok, so I will shut up and stay clear.

[greengoddess]

Why I got it from your own words.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=2173914&postcount=4

Yes, Louise, he is moving to me, which is part of the reason he is trying to tie up things where he is first. He has a 12 year old daughter, who doesn't know Daddy has a girlfriend, let alone is planning to move 1200 miles away. He feels it would be better to take care of the divorce first before leaving, and knowing him I agree it would be best to have that all handled.

 

and also when her dad moved 1,200 miles away he did not even have a job lined up. He left her and moved 1,200 miles away to be with you. That can tend to really hurt a daughter and anger an exspouse when they see their kid hurt.

 

Then there's the matter of living arrangements... I have no personal income because my business is still very much a start-up (although doing very well for a start-up AND in this economy), and my soon-to-be cannot afford to support me entirely. My LDR wants to take care of me, but I am a Jersey Girl - born and raised an independent woman - so I am having trouble with the concept of having my lifestyle paid for (not to mention his divorce isn't settled so he doesn't know what his financial responsibility will end up being, nor does he have a job lined up here yet, so we don't even know what kind of income we are looking at when all is said and done).

 

 

So basically you were involved with this man to the point of moving in with each other before he was even divorced. So the question is why do you think his wife gets angry at you both?

[KikiW]

She knew OF me, I was initially introduced as a friend. She was told well before he moved that he and I were dating.

 

And they had been separated for quite a while before the divorce was done.

 

I am not saying she wasn't hurt, I am sure she was, but I don't see how her mother's behavior is beneficial to her. It seems to be that it adds fuel to the fire. But that's ok, like I said, I'm just That Woman and I'll shut up now.

[greengoddess]

She knew OF me, I was initially introduced as a friend. She was told well before he moved that he and I were dating.

 

And they had been separated for quite a while before the divorce was done.

 

I am not saying she wasn't hurt, I am sure she was, but I don't see how her mother's behavior is beneficial to her. It seems to be that it adds fuel to the fire. But that's ok, like I said, I'm just That Woman and I'll shut up now.

 

 

Unfortunately to his wife you will always be That Woman. That Woman who moved her daughter's father 1,200 miles away to be with her. Hopefully she did not tell her daughter you are That Woman. I'm assuming she did not since the kid has accepted you. Try not to get involved with your fiancee and his exes problems. It is not for you to interfere with. and try please to understand her anger a little bit.

 

After reading all this, personally if I were you I would recommend getting the kid the phone. Doesn't hurt to be a disney dad when you screw your wife and kid over.

[Tayla]

Unfortunately to his wife you will always be That Woman. That Woman who moved her daughter's father 1,200 miles away to be with her. Hopefully she did not tell her daughter you are That Woman. I'm assuming she did not since the kid has accepted you. Try not to get involved with your fiancee and his exes problems. It is not for you to interfere with. and try please to understand her anger a little bit.

 

After reading all this, personally if I were you I would recommend getting the kid the phone. Doesn't hurt to be a disney dad when you screw your wife and kid over.

 

Depends how mature a person is to the perception and interpretation. Not ALL ex's are vengeful or defiant in working thru matters, hope this EX will mature and get on with there own life.. Okay with that said, I do beleive that overcompensating a child because the parents have split is non-beneficial to ALL concerned..so lets toss that entire "DISNEY" concept out the window...

KikiW...Ive read some of your past post and I do see the theme of the child being prevalent. I do hope you can find a middle ground in being supportive of the commitment he has to his daughter. You don't have to tolerate the ex wife's inappropriate comments or manipulative tactics....Been down your road and its not pleasant in the beginning....

[KikiW]

After reading all this, personally if I were you I would recommend getting the kid the phone.

 

Moot point now, her mother apparently bought herself a brand new phone and gave her her old one.

 

@Tayla, yes, she has been prevalent in my posts... it is uncharted territory for me, and though many aspects are wonderful, there are times when I am at a loss or frustrated. I don't use these forums to discuss every facet of my life though, so I'm sure it does appear that I'm focused just on her. I'm sure everything will work out fine.

[greengoddess]

Kiki things will never get better if you don't back off a little. Having long discussions as to weather his kid can have a new cell phone is not your place.

 

Tayla I agree. She needs to be more mature fr the kid but forming a better relationship is going to be really hard to do with the dad living so far away. This woman had a family and was suddenly made a single parent of a 12 year old. Yes he has a dad but he sure isn't there for the day to day of raising her.

 

Kiki how much does your ex help in raising your daughter? You have your fiance and your ex helping you. She's alone and resenting that she has to lose her kid for 6 weeks in the summer because he chose to move away. I really think you need to lose your anger and help your fiance to be more understanding instead of arguing his kid doesn't need a phone. Put your hate for this woman away. You have zero reason to hate her. The next time your fiance complains about her tell him nicely that you can not be involved with his past relationship that he has to handle it.

[KikiW]

Kiki things will never get better if you don't back off a little. Having long discussions as to weather his kid can have a new cell phone is not your place.

 

See, this is where I am completely baffled. Time and time again I see threads where step-parents are told to get more involved, they are a parent figure, their opinions matter, they are part of the family unit. Do you feel the opposite?

 

And I am also confused. I posed the situation about her cell phone breaking (after having had several previous ones breaking), how fiance felt he should handle it, how I felt about it, and asked essentially, if we were being old fuddy-duddys because every kid is born with a cell phone in their hand now or something. I don't know how that is equivalent of having "long discussions about whether or not she can have a cell phone". The other thread got a bit long because a lot of people shared their personal opinions. Is it your position that I should have no opinion, or if I do I have no place voicing it?

 

Kiki how much does your ex help in raising your daughter? You have your fiance and your ex helping you. She's alone and resenting that she has to lose her kid for 6 weeks in the summer because he chose to move away. I really think you need to lose your anger and help your fiance to be more understanding instead of arguing his kid doesn't need a phone. Put your hate for this woman away. You have zero reason to hate her. The next time your fiance complains about her tell him nicely that you can not be involved with his past relationship that he has to handle it.

 

My ex helps plenty. We worked very hard to remain friends and be good parenting partners. My fiance has expressed several times that he is somewhat jealous of that, and wishes it was similar with his ex, but that does not appear feasable.

 

And no she is not alone. She has a partner living with her (as well as his daughter, her husband and 3 kids). And for someone who is supposed to be resentful of losing her kid during the summer, it was her idea to extend the visit by two weeks (and fiance was happy to oblige). She also doesn't appear to have any trouble leaving her with various friends or relatives for entire weekends at a time, or stays out at the bar until late on a weeknight. It was during some of that time that the girl found and started watching the Playboy channel they had ordered up.

 

I don't understand why I should not be allowed an opinion on that kind of thing. I should not be concerned for his daughter? I should not explore ways that could potentially help her? I should not be a partner or confidante to my soon-to-be husband when it comes to handling things like this? I find that very odd.

[turnera]

Now that she has a phone, why don't you start talking to her more? I'm sure she'd love to have another interested female in her life. While you're on the phone you can gently help her find ways to eat more healthily ("what did they have at the cafeteria today?") and to get more exercise ("I'm putting myself on an exercise program, starting with walking one mile every other day; wanna start doing it with me? We can compare notes!").

 

If you approach this completely in a positive vein, she will come around. You can even suggest that she ask to go along when her mom goes grocery shopping so she can pick out some healthier choices for herself ("I just found this awesome recipe for a smoothie! Why don't you get the ingredients, too, and I'll teach you over the phone how to make it?").

 

Little by little, you can make a difference.

[KikiW]

Actually that's a great idea turnera. I just texted with her earlier today because it's her birthday and we've been going back and forth all day. I will start thinking of ways to work the kinds of things you suggested in. Thanks for the suggestion!

[turnera]

Glad you liked it.

 

I have another suggestion. Might seem archaic, but I will posit that there is still nothing like the thrill of finding a piece of mail in the mailbox addressed to you. Why don't you start writing her letters and ask her to do the same? The most important memories I have of my childhood are the letters my grandmother and I exchanged. We only saw each other a couple times because of distance, but I really cherished those letters from her. It was a really strong bond I'll never forget. And I could write her things I could never tell anyone else.

[lovehearts]

I'm sorry to say that alot of this young girls problem are yours and her dad's fault.

 

Both her and her "fat cow" of a mother are eating for comfort.It's the only thing this poor girl can control, of course her weights gone up around the time of your wedding. Your worried about fabric and she's losing her dad to you again?Don't you get it.

 

Maybe meet her mum before you judge her, all parties need to have a good relationship for this child and not bad mouthing each other.

 

You might think it's not your place to make the first move, but guys had an affair(not gonna sugar coat it for you, if he wasn't divorced yet it's an AFFAIR)

You might have told the child you was his "friend" but she's not an idiot. Her dad left his family and moved away and now your saying the mother is abusing her because she's fat the issues not the food or the mother???Plus her mother is probably as depressed as the daughter that her ex is getting married.

 

Put yourself in this girls shoes

[KikiW]

@turnera - again, a wonderful idea. thanks for the constructive thoughts, that's creative, and I know my daughter would love to make her some cards too.

[quankanne]

check your PM ....

[health]

greengoddess - I love your replies to this!

 

I hope the guy is happy, the grass may have seemed greener. To me it looks like a huge mess. I read never to get involved with a divorcing person until one year after the divorce is finalized. This situation looks like people trying to mask their problems. Sorry If I'm being harsh.

 

KiKiw - You're like obsessed with this woman. Like she's your enemy. Don't let her be a toxic ex-spouse. You can't control another person's weight. I hope all of this was worth it for you. Make sure you are generally happy and getting what you want.