He doesn't call as often and rarely texts....

[LoveBug1989]

Hello all,

 

I am having a small problem in my LDR and I was hoping someone could give me some advice or suggestions.

 

I have been dating my wonderful boyfriend since December. We technically met and developed feelings for each other on World of Warcraft, but we did have mutual friends in real life and we lived in the same state, CA. He always made me laugh and I loved his voice, and eventually he told me that he had feelings for me. He said he loved my voice. I thought he was cute too, and eventually we agreed to meet in person and see where it went.

 

He is my first boyfriend. When we met we were both very excited. I felt a connection to him I'd never felt before, I was the happiest I'd ever been. He made it clear from the start that he was in this relationship for the long run, and he was serious about it. He had had 3 previous girlfriends who he explained had hurt him by cheating (I consoled him when his last girlfriend broke up with him, and he had discovered that she had never loved him to begin with). He told me how vehemently he was opposed to cheating, as am I.

 

Originally, he planned to join the Marines, but issues with premature arthritis in his hip have prevented him from enlisting.

 

We carried on our LDR. We lived 3 hours away. I'd drive up to see him for the weekend, and then he'd drive down to see me, until his job became extremely busy and he was working 7 days a week. Then I would go see him. We do have a great sexual relationship as well.

 

I then got a job offer in Tennessee that would last 9 months. I let him know that this would be a great opportunity for me to get good networking and good references on my resume. He let me know he was okay with me taking the job.

 

Before I left, I was upset on the last day I saw him. He held me and let me know "we're not going anywhere", or, nothing will happen to our relationship. I do trust him completely, and I know he trusts me.

 

So, I moved out here in late August. All throughout our relationship, he would text me or call me either every day or every other day, to say "I love you" or just to say hi. He did that a lot while i was driving out here, as well. I loved hearing from him, and he seemed well and happy.

 

So....the last time HE called me was on the 7th of September. He did call me on the 14th, but it was because I asked him too (I was just upset about something unrelated to our relationship and wanted his advice). After he called me on the 7th, I sent him a cute picture of me in lingere because I knew he'd like it.

 

Since then, he hasn't been the one calling me. I've always been the one calling him. And when I call him, he seems tired and reserved and bored. I haven't heard him laugh or carry on a conversation. I text him during the week, with just a simple, "i love you" but he rarely replies. When he does, he also says "i love you".

 

I know he's active in his life, because he updates his facebook quite often with what he's up to, photos from his work, ect. He even says hi or happy birthday to his friends on facebook. He didn't even say "thank you" when I showed him a peice of artwork I drew for his birthday on the 21st of Sept. A few days later I asked him if he liked it and he just said "yes."

 

Now this is upsetting to me. I have a tendancy to be an extreme worrier, especially when it comes to him not calling me. I've created all these scenarios in my head: he's not interested anymore. He's cheating. He's forgotten about me. I know that these are really unlikely, but I can't help it.

 

I trust that when he says he loves me, he means it. And he has made it very clear what he feels for me, and that he intends to stay with me. He's the kind of guy who doesn't go against his word.

 

I just feel forgotten. Is it because I sent him that picture? Is he just tired? Does he not want to talk to me? My heart is really hurting. I cannot picture myself with anyone but him, and it hurts when I haven't heard his voice.

 

Should I bring this up with him? I haven't been trying to call him every day, like every other day or two days. Am I smothering him or something?

 

I'm sorry that this is long-winded, I'm just really frustrated right now.

[chelle21689]

I'm not really great at giving advice but I can tell you my experience. I've been with my bf 3 years and 2 years long distance. He joined the Army last year. Oh and we play world of warcraft sometimes too

 

Anyways there were times when I would worry because he wouldn't talk as often as we used to. Or our conversations were boring. It just happens sometimes, we go through phases where we have good conversations and boring ones with nothing to talk about. I think the time difference has a lot to do with it too (he's in California and I'm in Ohio). When he's beginning his day I'm not...when I'm ending my day he's busy. It doesn't match well but we always end up talking at night to say good night and stuff.

He's in Georgia training for Airborne and even though he's very busy and tired he will call me when he's about to sleep which is around 9:30pm or 10. If he were in California I would've been waiting up til 1am for his call lol...so I think time zones make a big difference.

 

You should ask him about why he hasn't talked and that you'd like to talk more often. It used to bother me when I felt like I always was the one to call my bf but he told me it doesn't matter as long as he talks and as long as he picks up. Hope all goes well with you

[LoveBug1989]

Thanks chelle. How do you ask him that you'd like to hear from him more often? I don't want to come across to my boyfriend as accusatory, just a simple question.

[chelle21689]

Easy. Just ask him why he doesn't call as often as he used to. Tell him that you miss it a lot.

[LoveBug1989]

I called him on Monday night and asked him nicely if he would be able to call or text me a little more often, like twice or three times a week, when he's not busy, because I told him I don't like being the only one to call him and accidentally interrupt him at work.

 

He seemed to listen, and said ok, he would.

 

I still haven't received a message from him, but I don't get it because he comments on friend's walls or statuses on facebook, and even plays WoW when I'm online, but if I send him a message (text, facebook, or WoW), like a simple "I love you," he doesn't answer!! This is so odd to me because he used to say I love you all the time, and answer when I contacted him.

 

He sounds happy and normal when I call him. He's told me nothing's wrong. But he just sounds a little different. He doesn't seem to laugh as much. He sounds tired.

 

Unfortunately I have a problem with excessive worrying and this is driving me crazy!!!!!

[cyruswillis]

Hi there! You know i really understand if what you had felt because I had been experienced that matter.Its not easy to hurt,its better to be alone than hurting our special someone..anyway,don't feel down,all you have to do is just pray to God..God is good and He is there always through our happiness and loneliness.Okay?That's my only advice to you.PRAYER..

Edited October 14, 2010 by cyruswillis

[chelle21689]

Your bf sounds like mine. He doesn't really IM me when I'm online and he's online...I don't know why. He rarely IMs me, but if I do IM him he doesn't do well with responding fast enough.

 

If I don't call him all day...I'll hear from him once a day or once every 2 days. If you want, you can go the extreme route and stop calling him, stop contacting him, and see if he even notices the change. If he really wants to talk then he'll contact you...if he doesn't even notices that you guys haven't talked for a week and doesn't even try to contact you then I would re-evaluate my relationship =\

 

You should tell him that you still see no effort in the change and that even though the both of you have different needs of amount of communication that you both have to compromise and settle on something.

[BettyBoop]

I feel your pain - my LDR is like that and I'm the worrying kind too. However, he was pretty much like that when we lived in the same city, like neighbours, as well so I shouldn't really be surprised.

 

I've talked to mine about it and it doesn't really help so I haven't really gotten any advice for you but to go with your gut feeling and perhaps have an honest talk.

 

I did try the "no contact" and it always makes my boyfriend contact me, However, it's not a solution to a problem but only a way to make them miss you if you were really "gone". But sometimes the old saying goes "How can I miss you if you won't go away" (I hate it )

 

I hope things work out for you....

[LittleTiger]

LoveBug, I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. I know how much it hurts when you are the one putting in all the effort and you're not getting anything back.

 

Your boyfriend sounds very selfish and his behaviour shows he has little respect for you or your feelings. If he had always behaved this way, that would be one thing, but the fact that his behaviour has changed since you went away is not a good sign.

 

You used to spend every weekend together and now you haven't seen him in over a month. That's a very different kind of LDR to the one you had before. Have you any plans for getting together in the near future?

 

I don't want to sound like the voice of doom and gloom, but I think it's very likely that this is a case of 'out of sight, out of mind'. He is just getting on with his life whereas you are still making him a priority.

 

I think you need to have a good long chat about how this relationship is going to work over the next 8 months because at the moment it's making you very unhappy. If he continues to behave in the same way and can't/won't start giving back to your relationship then I really think you need to cut your losses and run.

 

A relationship that makes you unhappy will do you more harm than good.

[LoveBug1989]

Hi all,

 

last night he got online and he and I played and talked together on WoW, something we haven't really done in a while, and we had a great time, he was laughing, calling me by his affectionate names he's given me, told me he loved me and I told him I loved him. and I was very happy. He did say he was ill this week and was sick at work.

 

Two reasons that I think he may have gotten quieter in terms of contact is that he recently told me that a tumor in his hip is growing back, causing him immense pain, and he also found out that he might have bipolar disorder. When I took that into consideration I stopped panicking.

 

I did type up a letter to him though, in case he stops contacting me again. It just talks to him about how important communication is in our relationship and how we should both be really good at it.

 

Thanks

[chelle21689]

My bf and me play wow too. His laptop is broke right now so no webcam or games! Gah... I hope you're doing better with him...I hope he gets better. A tumor sounds scary