Lovelydawn Posted October 4, 2010 Posted October 4, 2010 yeah so as usual i got the dreaded "we can be friends" dialogue from my ex. i mean seriously, why do they do this? do they think they are doing us a favor? is it pity? is it their way of relieving the guilt? or they want to keep us at the back burner in case things doenst work out for them? or maybe a combination of everything i just said. they dump us coz they don't want to be in our life, and yet they still want to linger around as "friends".
bonpaw2008 Posted October 4, 2010 Posted October 4, 2010 yeah so as usual i got the dreaded "we can be friends" dialogue from my ex. i mean seriously, why do they do this? do they think they are doing us a favor? is it pity? is it their way of relieving the guilt? or they want to keep us at the back burner in case things doenst work out for them? or maybe a combination of everything i just said. they dump us coz they don't want to be in our life, and yet they still want to linger around as "friends". I think it is a combination. Mine wants to ease his guilt, tries to keep control of me, tries to keep me on a string if he still wants a romp. That is why NC is what is best for you. It is for you, not for them. Truly I know that NC drives my ex crazy, because he thinks I am mad at him or don't care anymore so he has no more control over me. But with NC you can get control of yourself, get your self-esteem back, not have to wonder what each communication "really" means, takes all the doubt out of it. Tell him you have enough friends
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 4, 2010 Posted October 4, 2010 I would add: By the time they break up with you, they have already done the grieving they needed to do and are at an emotional place where they really do feel they can be 'just friends'. What they don't understand is that the end of their process that led them there is the beginning of the person's they broke up with. I really don't think 'friends' can happen until both parties have put the relationship behind them. The dumper just happens to be way ahead of the dumpee when it comes to that.
ShannonMI Posted October 4, 2010 Posted October 4, 2010 yeah so as usual i got the dreaded "we can be friends" dialogue from my ex. i mean seriously, why do they do this? do they think they are doing us a favor? is it pity? is it their way of relieving the guilt? or they want to keep us at the back burner in case things doenst work out for them? or maybe a combination of everything i just said. they dump us coz they don't want to be in our life, and yet they still want to linger around as "friends". It's all of the above. Being friends with an ex never works.
alliance_820 Posted October 4, 2010 Posted October 4, 2010 I would add: By the time they break up with you, they have already done the grieving they needed to do and are at an emotional place where they really do feel they can be 'just friends'. What they don't understand is that the end of their process that led them there is the beginning of the person's they broke up with. I really don't think 'friends' can happen until both parties have put the relationship behind them. The dumper just happens to be way ahead of the dumpee when it comes to that. Isnt that the truth. When we broke up i said i cant see us as being just friends. She replied with, is it bad that i can. At the time i didnt get that, and it crushed me. But then i realized it. She had been thinking about this for 2 weeks. She had already gone through everything im going through now, just with the security blanket of me still being there. It sucks because we both still had feelings at the time, but it was one of those for the future things. But as much as she wants to still be friends, i cant do it yet.
carhill Posted October 4, 2010 Posted October 4, 2010 IME, with women, including my ex-wife, they want the best of what they received in the relationship/marriage but without the personal burden of actually prioritizing someone other than themselves. Within our marriage, and stated in MC, I felt like she wanted the freedom to be single with the security of being married. Retrospectively, it's been that way with nearly every woman I've had intimate relations with, whether that be sexual or emotional. It's like using emotions to manipulate a business deal. They're very good at it OTOH, when I end things, it's scorched earth. I look for no support nor validation, don't ask 'favors', nor pursue f*ck-buddies. It's either total NC or conditional NC, like with my ex, only communicating politely wrt the divorce. Other than that, zippo. Like I used to say, if we were friends we'd still be married. Also, clearly, I need to do a better job of people picking and being a healthier partner (and less of a 'friend') within a relationship. That's my work.
user2011 Posted October 4, 2010 Posted October 4, 2010 Its hard, i know also that NC is driving my ex mad. im worried sometimes im doing it as a revenge/power thing. But ultimatley i know after 4 months NC that if i did get in contact it would be to reconcile. But for the things mentioned above. Most importantly It would set me back. maby me read into things far too much. for me first, guess the rest is an added bonus...
Buccaneer55 Posted October 5, 2010 Posted October 5, 2010 I feel like it's all of the above it makes them feel better about themselves, a whole lot less guilty and it keeps you in limbo and there for them if they want to come back after they see things aren't always greener on the other side.
jeff2321 Posted October 5, 2010 Posted October 5, 2010 yeah so as usual i got the dreaded "we can be friends" dialogue from my ex. i mean seriously, why do they do this? do they think they are doing us a favor? is it pity? is it their way of relieving the guilt? or they want to keep us at the back burner in case things doenst work out for them? or maybe a combination of everything i just said. they dump us coz they don't want to be in our life, and yet they still want to linger around as "friends". Because the dumper wants to keep you hanging around for emotional support so that they can get over you quicker. Also it's often to keep you hanging on a thin string so that if their new squeeze doesn't work they can come crawling back. Do yourself a favor and go NC and save yourself a lot of heartache. Jeff
yessy21 Posted October 5, 2010 Posted October 5, 2010 dont try to be their friend unless u already have someone cause its gonna kill u to see them with someone else. trust me. ur heart will fall into the pit of ur stomach.
HopeLove Posted October 5, 2010 Posted October 5, 2010 I also think it has a lot to do with not being too guilty. I don't want to stay friends with my ex (he didn't even suggest so). We were never just friends so I don't see why should be so now. I would like to be with him in a realtionship (being best friends, lovers, etc). Not just friends. Also right now it would kill me if he would tell me he fancy someone, are dating someone, etc which wouldn't be the case with a friend. Stay NC and some day you will move on.
Author Lovelydawn Posted October 5, 2010 Author Posted October 5, 2010 being friends with my ex is the last thing i want to do. it almost feels like an insult. never!
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