Is anyone ever the same?

[Sonolumino]

Is anyone ever the same after a harsh breakup? I mean this in how someone approaches life, relationships, etc.. Do you trust less? Do you have more apathy towards things? Granted, it affects everybody differently, but I'm just looking to get an idea of what's to come. This whole ordeal shook me very deeply and in a very unique way, and I am just looking to someone of experience to see the endgame of all this.

[smk]

Is anyone ever the same after a harsh breakup? I mean this in how someone approaches life, relationships, etc.. Do you trust less? Do you have more apathy towards things? Granted, it affects everybody differently, but I'm just looking to get an idea of what's to come. This whole ordeal shook me very deeply and in a very unique way, and I am just looking to someone of experience to see the endgame of all this.

 

Hey Sono,

 

I have been thinking about the exact same thing over the last few weeks.

 

Quick overview of me - almost 4 months into the break, I stopped counting how many days of NC - i would guess almost 6 weeks, been through the roller coaster - still have some moments on it - but now I am at this stage where I seem to have lost all feeling.

 

I mean I no longer feel anything towards anyone - I cant even seem to feel empathy towards people - I wake up each morning and carry on living my life on my terms - I go to work, I go running, I go to the gym, I go home and then start the cycle again. There are days where If i fancy going out partying I will, most likely on my own cos I simply cannot be asked to deal with other people - I have had a few ONS but again they didnt even mean anything and gave me no satisfaction whatsoever yet I still have them every now and then.

 

The break shattered me to my core, its made me question everything I ever believed or cared about in life. To answer your question I think that depending on the break it does change people, you either become a much more emotionally stronger person (read:emotionally insenstive heartless prick - as I have been called several time over the last few weeks) or you become someone who breaks completely. I dont know to be honest.. But yes I do believe that 9 times out of 10 a break up will change some aspect of your life.

 

In my case I know that I will be very cautious in lots of things going forward and it seems to have strengthened me more emotionally - I am guesssing that going forward I wont trust someone as easily and believe everything she tells me...

 

Its kinda weird I guess - anyways I am going to stop before I turn this into a rant / vent... (had a pretty rough weekend)...

[Sonolumino]

I absolutely 100% know what you're talking about. For the last two weeks I haven't cared about anybody or anything. I have been completely and utterly numb to everything that happens. I still use a superficial charm in order to maintain cordial relations towards people, but that's it. Deep down nothing bothers or doesn't bother me. I haven't been having one night stands, I've changed scenery, stayed focused to school, went on a few dates, but it seems empty. Just today I saw my ex and her new boyfriend together and it just enraged me, which was the first thing I've felt towards the situation for a while. I don't want a relationship for a long, long time. The fact that she can replace me so easily of course makes me question everything we had together for our time. I know logically and consciously I don't want her back, and wanting is always better than having, but I just can't convince my unconscious to take that route. The thought of me being replaced in all areas of her life haunts me. I shouldn't be so easily written off. Something about her life should be different because I was a part of it, because something very major in my life is different because she was a part of mine. I'm emotionally silenced, and she's out sharing puppy love with another. I crave this karmic balance for some reason. I know it's a selfish want to want to be remembered, but I don't think it's too much to ask. I don't want her to be miserable like I am, but I would at least like to know in some small way that I mattered.

 

These "needs" are very basic to all humans. The need/want to be remembered, to be valued, to matter in some way. That is why I think this is so hard to get over. I've dealt with some pretty rough things in my life that I won't go into detail here, but I've gotten through them. This is different. This is much more fundamental of a pain. That's why I started this thread. I want to know if there are people out there who recovered from this numbness and senselessness. I know you never really stop changing, but I am truly struggling to grasp normalcy in my life, in any fashion.

[smk]

For the last two weeks I haven't cared about anybody or anything. I have been completely and utterly numb to everything that happens. I still use a superficial charm in order to maintain cordial relations towards people, but that's it. Deep down nothing bothers or doesn't bother me.

 

This describes the exact notions that I am currently going through and deal with on a daily basis. I maintain the superficial charm to keep things cordial, but inside I sometimes I keep questioning why I even bother. I am not saying that it’s a good thing nor is it a bad thing – I just sometimes feel that now I indifferent not just to her or the relationship but I seem to have become indifferent to the world and everything around me.

 

 

I haven't been having one night stands, I've changed scenery, stayed focused to school, went on a few dates, but it seems empty. . I don't want a relationship for a long, long time.

 

TBH I think the main reasons I have had the various ONS’s is purely because I crave the touch of another human being. I know that given the place I am at on an emotional level at the moment will not allow me to be in a relationship with anyone, and personally I don’t think it would be fair of me to subject another person to my emotional baggage (or lack of it in this case).

 

The fact that she can replace me so easily of course makes me question everything we had together for our time. I know logically and consciously I don't want her back, and wanting is always better than having, but I just can't convince my unconscious to take that route. The thought of me being replaced in all areas of her life haunts me. I shouldn't be so easily written off. Something about her life should be different because I was a part of it, because something very major in my life is different because she was a part of mine. I'm emotionally silenced, and she's out sharing puppy love with another. I crave this karmic balance for some reason. I know it's a selfish want to want to be remembered, but I don't think it's too much to ask. I don't want her to be miserable like I am, but I would at least like to know in some small way that I mattered.

 

I couldn’t have said it better, I don’t know if my ex is out seeing other people but I have heard that she maybe in a relationship with an ex of hers, with whom I suspected she was cheating on me on, and similarly like you I crave that karmic balance too. Similarly I don’t want her to be miserable I do genuinely want her to be happy in her life, but it would be nice to know that I did mean something – I know these are things that we may never get to find out but hey, I just carry on living each day.

 

These "needs" are very basic to all humans. The need/want to be remembered, to be valued, to matter in some way. That is why I think this is so hard to get over. I've dealt with some pretty rough things in my life that I won't go into detail here, but I've gotten through them. This is different. This is much more fundamental of a pain. That's why I started this thread. I want to know if there are people out there who recovered from this numbness and senselessness. I know you never really stop changing, but I am truly struggling to grasp normalcy in my life, in any fashion.

 

Like you I seek similar answers, I do believe that at some point we do reach that point of “Normalcy” where the numbness does fade away, but I suspect that depending on the situation and the individual the return to “normalcy” would probably be different. I am beginning to think that is the indifference stage except our minds are being indifferent to every emotional stimulus at the moment rather than the ones just concerned with the “EX”, maybe this is a good thing maybe it’s a bad thing, I guess only time will tell if I doomed to spend the rest of my days being an emotionally unavailable knob or I will truly find “normalcy” again – but then again I could just accept things and in that case wouldn’t that then be classified as “normalcy”?

[bboy]

I'm through my second serious break-up.

 

The first one broke something inside me that eventually took 2-3 years to completly heal from and be able to show true love and emotions towards someone I really cared about. I don't know if it will take the same amount of time, this time. Hopefully not.

 

But I know it can be healed. It's a painful process and it is awefully slow. What I've learned is how much damage you can cause someone when you do it wrong and it I developed a major dislike against people who are emotionally egostic.

[rattled]

+1 to everything said in this thread. To answer the question? I don't think anyone is.

 

My whole life seems so superficial and fabricated. I do things because I know that my well-being depends on it, but I could careless. Acting cordial and charming? Know it all too well. Putting on a front like it's all good, get the ego stroked for a couple minutes, then its back to square one.

 

Like you, I've been replaced in such a short time. But I didn't even get 5 weeks. There was no queue time. I was replaced directly. And what I mean by replaced directly can be described like this: If my ex had written a book about our relationship, my name was deleted and the new bf's name was copy and pasted into the book. There was no build up, he just continued where I left off.

 

Thats the biggest blow to my ego and self-worth. That I wasn't worth grieving over or our relationship wasn't worth a second thought. Then I come on LS or I speak to friends and the common response, "Do you even want a person who can do that to you in your life?" Obviously not, but the fact is she was in my life and it doesn't hurt any less because the world think she's a b*tch.

 

But I've been down that road so long, that like you, I don't feel pain anymore. Every bad news gets worse, but my emotions remain constant. Almost as if its normal to feel like sh*t. I've been stuck in this purgatory for so long that feeling numb is all I know.

[Username37]

Is anyone ever the same after a harsh breakup? I mean this in how someone approaches life, relationships, etc.. Do you trust less? Do you have more apathy towards things? Granted, it affects everybody differently, but I'm just looking to get an idea of what's to come. This whole ordeal shook me very deeply and in a very unique way, and I am just looking to someone of experience to see the endgame of all this.

 

Nope, after this breakup, I don't feel like the old me.

 

I learned that girls can be bitches and can switch their emotions off quickly. I also learned that I'm immature at times.

 

It's true I guess, every relationship is a learning experience. Now I know what not to do next time and know what NOT to look for.

[Sonolumino]

smk, I'm glad you understand. One of the weirdest things about this whole experience is that I'm not a cold person normally. I have passion in my life for music and my studies, and it "shocks" me that I can act so blase towards things. And I know, normalcy is a very relative term. I want to attain a state where the ex no longer matters, I don't think about it, and I've learned all I can and used it in a positive way in future relationships. Now, maybe the lesson is "don't trust as much" or "don't throw all your chips on the table until you're sure". Either one changes my fundamental view of what love and relationships are. To love, for me, is to completely be honest and open with another person, and share yourself on a very deep and intimate level. It's not just a sexual attraction or a friendship, it's a hybrid and constellation of emotions for another person. To attain this, I used to believe that you had to "give it all" per se. If this is supposed to teach me to keep a card close to my chest in future relationships, then I welcome it with a certain uneasiness. It's not that I'm not willing to learn and grow, it's just difficult to accept that loving with everything can cause such a negative effect now. From my perspective, I loved this girl with everything I had, and it failed. She turns off her emotions for me and brushes me under the rug like I never existed. She moves onto the next one, and I'm left picking up the pieces. What's to stop this from happening again in a future relationship? Obviously something has to change about HOW I loved, or how I expressed that love. In any case, I'm not ready to show love for a while until I figure it out.

 

 

rattled,

"Do you even want a person who can do that to you in your life?" Obviously not, but the fact is she was in my life and it doesn't hurt any less because the world think she's a b*tch.

 

This is exactly right. It's easy to dole out advice when you are objective and free of the emotion. I hear echoes of people saying "Go NC! Don't talk to her again!" and "you don't need that in your life". Well obviously those are true things, but when someone was very special to you in your life for a long time, going NC and immediately being able to get her off your mind doesn't happen just because of how she acted. If you loved completely, trying to turn off those emotions has to be a will of the person. That's the hardest part. In short, it will only get better if you have the will to make it better. That is what a lot of people don't have, and I've even found myself struggling with that question during these last months. I didn't want to let her go, because I didn't want the part of me that loved her to be damaged beyond repair. But, I have no choice. I am apprehensive about the future of it. I ask myself, "If I let myself not love her anymore and move on, will something about myself be different in a bad way or be lost?" It's that question that hinders progress.

[br0ken_w0lf]

Hmmm, lots of good threads on here lately that provoke a lot of thought and this is another one. I don't think people ever remain exactly the same as before after a bad break-up, I do think it reshapes how you look at many things in life after the fact. 3 years after the end of my marriage which was also the first relationship where someone else ended it, I've noticed a few things about myself... I'm not as thoughtful as I used to be with people; not heartless but I don't go the extra mile. I guess I would say I'm a little colder than before as well, in that things that used to tug on my heartstrings don't tug quite as hard these days (I guess you could say "hardened" a bit here). Best case in point, when I finally decided to end a relationship earlier this year, I was surprised at how quickly I turned off my emotions once I made my decision - this part scares me to be honest. Not surprisingly, I don't really have a lot of faith in marriage anymore either. Also, after this first break-up, I realized that I never even considered the possibility of a break-up in the past; it never entered my mind and I was just in the moment. Now those thoughts are at the forefront.

 

But I also have to stress that it hasn't all been a bad experience. I've had to look inward at my flaws, become to peace with my mistakes, identify areas where I need to improve... just spend more time in my head, and try to get comfortable with that. Things that will help me in the future when I decide I want to pursue another relationship. Post-breakup is the best time to look at yourself under a magnifying glass and see what needs fixing...

[1/2moon]

I would say I'm a little colder than before as well, in that things that used to tug on my heartstrings don't tug quite as hard these days (I guess you could say "hardened" a bit here). Best case in point, when I finally decided to end a relationship earlier this year, I was surprised at how quickly I turned off my emotions once I made my decision - this part scares me to be honest. Not surprisingly, I don't really have a lot of faith in marriage anymore either.

 

For myself, it has made me trust less and question everything. Even things I thought I knew as solid as the sky is blue - has left me shaken. However, at some point we all need to make a conscious decision how we want to come out at the other end. Do we want to be bitter? more compassionate? hardened? unkind? understanding? or better yet, &^%$* up because of our Exs. How we decide to be will ultimately affect the next person, and I for one, don't want to cause the kind of pain I see so many people grabbling with here, myself included. That's not to say, I may never end a relationship in the future, but I do intend to be more caring towards that persons feelings to avoid the pain I see so many of us struggling with due to someone else' callousness

 

BW- quote above is exactly the kind of behaviour that has many of us here hurting. For someone to just "turn off their emotions" most likely left whoever he was with at the time to perhaps feel like it meant nothing, quickly discarded, another mere example of the throw away society we live in. In other words what an ********* would do -- cause we do act out, how we feel.

 

We can all decide if we want to become *********s/bitches. It is a choice despite the pain we are in.

[thatsonlyme]

+1 to everything said in this thread. To answer the question? I don't think anyone is.

 

My whole life seems so superficial and fabricated. I do things because I know that my well-being depends on it, but I could careless. Acting cordial and charming? Know it all too well. Putting on a front like it's all good, get the ego stroked for a couple minutes, then its back to square one.

 

Like you, I've been replaced in such a short time. But I didn't even get 5 weeks. There was no queue time. I was replaced directly. And what I mean by replaced directly can be described like this: If my ex had written a book about our relationship, my name was deleted and the new bf's name was copy and pasted into the book. There was no build up, he just continued where I left off.

 

Thats the biggest blow to my ego and self-worth. That I wasn't worth grieving over or our relationship wasn't worth a second thought. Then I come on LS or I speak to friends and the common response, "Do you even want a person who can do that to you in your life?" Obviously not, but the fact is she was in my life and it doesn't hurt any less because the world think she's a b*tch.

 

But I've been down that road so long, that like you, I don't feel pain anymore. Every bad news gets worse, but my emotions remain constant. Almost as if its normal to feel like sh*t. I've been stuck in this purgatory for so long that feeling numb is all I know.

 

 

This is exactly how I feel. I was also replaced instantly. One morning I woke up and everything was normal, that night while I was crying in our bed and hoping she would change her mind she slept with another guy! a guy she knew for less than two weeks! She was (and still is) having the time of her life while I'm trying to pick up the pieces of my life and start all over. For her it's like nothing happened, I moved out and her life continued normally.

 

I also feel numb, I don't feel pain anymore, I don't feel anger, nothing. I saw her today and we spoke for a minute, I wasn't even attracted to her, she was just a familiar face, ordinary girl, nothing special. I don't have any interest in another women but I do have strong sexual desire. I want this to pass, I want to be able to feel again. I think even pain was better than this, total indifference. I try to go out and have fun, I can have fun to some degree but it's just not what I really want. I do it just because I have no alternative. I'm trying to lead "normal life" so I can bounce back once this weird emotional state is over.

 

I can't see anything that would make me happy at this point. Another woman, new car, million dollars? not really, it would come in handy for sure, but happiness seems like something I will never experience again. Even her coming back wouldn't make me happy. The damage is done.

[skydiveaddict]

Is anyone ever the same after a harsh breakup? I mean this in how someone approaches life, relationships, etc.. Do you trust less? Do you have more apathy towards things? Granted, it affects everybody differently, but I'm just looking to get an idea of what's to come. This whole ordeal shook me very deeply and in a very unique way, and I am just looking to someone of experience to see the endgame of all this.

 

 

If you're anything like me, then no, you won't be the same again. As for trust issues, I don't trust less, I don't trust at all.

[jeff2321]

Yup, skydiveaddict is right. You aren't the same again. At least I'm not the same. I'm a complete wreck and don't know when I'll ever trust again.

 

One thing I can tell you is that you don't want to drink alcohol. Alcohol really gets you down when you are going through a bad break up. Take it from me... I know. I drank tonight and I FEEL LIKE COMPLETE DOG ****.

 

No more alcohol for me for the next 6 months. NONE. Instead of going to the bar I'm going to the gym.

 

Sorry to hijack the thread. I'm just ****ed up right now.

 

Jeff

[Sonolumino]

Even her coming back wouldn't make me happy. The damage is done.

 

Exactly right. It's morbid, but I believe if somebody pulled a gun on me in an ally, I honestly would meet it with a shrug. I wish I could be a person that could just shut it all off like my ex, but sadly I can't. And maybe it's a good thing that we don't trust as much the next time. I don't want to be in a relationship for at least 4-6 years. I do miss connections with people, but I have no desire to "try" or work at any of them at all. I guess a part of me will miss that fragile time in my life where I loved without being hurt, and was able to throw everything into it. Feeling this sort of first love misery again can only happen when you give somebody everything; it's probably best not to do that.

 

A friend of mine has been through 3 serious relationships, and now he pretty much plans for the breakup, even with his current girlfriend. He has the whole "if it ends, it ends" mentality. He told me this 6 months ago, and it was a phrase that was alien to me. He said "I'd like it to continue, but if it didn't, well you have to plan for that". I didn't understand how you could think of that if you were uttering the phrase "I love you" to someone else. But now, it makes perfect sense. I'd like to feel passion for things again, but anything is better than going back to the pain, even cold indifference. I've suffered enough.

 

I do hope I'm a little colder after all of this. Maybe we can just call it being less naive.

[worlybear]

For me, the whole scenario sucks. I am doing all the thing I should be doing- going out ,meeting new people, helping others in a variety of ways but its all superficial. I will NEVER be the same person I was before. Not only has my ex destroyed my life, through his actions he has totally divided my family and two of my sons will never speak to the other again.

All of my adult children say they will never trust anyone enough to commit to a relationship and my youngest is basically fatherless.

If I had known what my life would turn out I would NEVER have married or had a family. And, unlike the previous posters, I do not wish my cheating ex and his cheating partner well.

Why should I applaud their selfishness?

I have always lived my life honourably and with integrity and yet they are the ones who are in a better place, financially and emotionally.

What's the point of being honest? Or kind and caring?

Its rubbish.

[Confused9]

I honestly don't think any of us will ever be the same after this. I think this puts a lot of things in to perspective but I also think it teaches us how very strong we are. I was devastated when my ex cheated on me and left me for the OW 3 years ago. I couldn't eat, sleep, I changed in to a sad person and was angry at everyone, except him (why do we do that?). I was a mess. A true mess. It came out of left field and he was so mean, and hurtful and said the worst things. I had no closure and still don't. BUT, I may have changed, but I am better than before. I am happier in my life now than I woudl have been had we stayed together. I worked on myself and focused on having fun (after like 8 months of self pity and wallowing) and kept busy and now I am so much happier. I started dating almost a year ago and the relationship is so much better and different than when I was with my ex.

 

I keep and open line of communication, I say when something bothers me, and we are very happy. I sincerly believe that we have the capability to make our lives better, if we so choose. I think we all deserve some time to cry, scream and lay in bed, but eventually we have to get up and shower and begin living again.

 

If you post stalk me you will see that I didn't always feel this way, I thought my life was over, but in the end, I am glad this happened, could have been a nicer way about how he did it, but, had he not, I would have been stuck with him..and that is unacceptable to the me that I am now. Everything happens for a reason and you will see this in due time.

 

But, no, we will never be the same...but that's not a bad thing

Edited October 5, 2010 by Confused9

[silic0ntoad]

I believe we'll never be the same.

 

Some modern thinkers like to tout this whole "You're strong, you did this wrong, etc." nonsense, when in reality, I personally believe that the actions of another, at least in my case (2 serious LTR's ending with me being cheated on) have left my heart rather scarred and my outlook on the verge of bleak.

 

I can't emphasize enough the need to heal yourself from a break-up; but accepting that the old you is now gone is key to your success in the post break-up world. The way you view things will alter; your appreciation of love will change. In my world, I've been reduced to nihilistic views and an ever altering state of attraction; it changes almost daily.

 

I find myself constantly thinking in a survivalist aspect when it comes to relationships, love and affection. At first, when my break-up was fresh (A year ago or so) I would grasp at attention that was given to me by members of the opposite sex. Now it doesn't matter. Nothing matters, really, save the days last cigarette and getting to tomorrow.

 

I feel nothing, still, at this point, I'm still reeling I suppose at the prospect of my life being thrown into absolute chaos from my break-up, and I believe the wound is still scarring over.

 

I don't believe I'll trust again, in the way I did. Most people will say the opposite, but I'd rather keep it real; my heart was torn to shreds mercilessly, and trounced upon by the demons of my past in the most recent debacle of my life.

 

So, will I ever be the same? No, and I'd rather not be. I'd rather see the world for what it is, as compared to a hunky dory bull**** picture painted by love-blindness and postmodern thinking.

[benB]

My girl of four years did this exact same thing to me about two years ago and I was never the same person I was before it. I was very depressed and sad when she dumped me out of the blue years ago and I was never the same guy. Now that she did it again I don't feel as bad as I did the first time but I know that I will never trust someone 100% like I did with her.

[K'aycie]

No.

 

[Ajax]

I believe we'll never be the same.

 

Some modern thinkers like to tout this whole "You're strong, you did this wrong, etc." nonsense, when in reality, I personally believe that the actions of another, at least in my case (2 serious LTR's ending with me being cheated on) have left my heart rather scarred and my outlook on the verge of bleak.

 

I can't emphasize enough the need to heal yourself from a break-up; but accepting that the old you is now gone is key to your success in the post break-up world. The way you view things will alter; your appreciation of love will change. In my world, I've been reduced to nihilistic views and an ever altering state of attraction; it changes almost daily.

 

I find myself constantly thinking in a survivalist aspect when it comes to relationships, love and affection. At first, when my break-up was fresh (A year ago or so) I would grasp at attention that was given to me by members of the opposite sex. Now it doesn't matter. Nothing matters, really, save the days last cigarette and getting to tomorrow.

 

I feel nothing, still, at this point, I'm still reeling I suppose at the prospect of my life being thrown into absolute chaos from my break-up, and I believe the wound is still scarring over.

 

I don't believe I'll trust again, in the way I did. Most people will say the opposite, but I'd rather keep it real; my heart was torn to shreds mercilessly, and trounced upon by the demons of my past in the most recent debacle of my life.

 

So, will I ever be the same? No, and I'd rather not be. I'd rather see the world for what it is, as compared to a hunky dory bull**** picture painted by love-blindness and postmodern thinking.

 

I also think I'll be looking at relationships from a survivalist perspective in the future. That seems to be what my ex was doing. To my knowledge she wasn't cheating on me, but it seems like when things got intense and we were getting closer, she just turned her emotions off and walked... presumably to eliminate the chance that I'd ever be able to hurt her.

 

I'm afraid that I'll end up doing the same thing to some unsuspecting soul that she did to me.

[Sonolumino]

I'd rather see the world for what it is, as compared to a hunky dory bull**** picture painted by love-blindness and postmodern thinking.

 

I completely agree. Well then I guess some good may come of this yet. Bring on the indifference. Maybe this is supposed to show you that love isn't the fairytale that people make it out to be. I'd just like my peace of mind again. I thought that was one thing that couldn't ever be taken away from me, sadly I was mistaken. That's probably what I miss the most.

[Tayla]

Is anyone ever the same after a harsh breakup? I mean this in how someone approaches life, relationships, etc.. Do you trust less? Do you have more apathy towards things? Granted, it affects everybody differently, but I'm just looking to get an idea of what's to come. This whole ordeal shook me very deeply and in a very unique way, and I am just looking to someone of experience to see the endgame of all this.

 

1: I trust in a different way...with more wisdom tacked on it.

2: Apathy...in some ways we simply change our principle tolerances...some things we must look back upon and say..Geesh was it really worth a fight over? Example: Him leaving the toothcap off....Somethings become less important...we find more tolerance perhaps.

3: THere is no endgame...except in a wooden box....If you are looking for light at the end of the tunnel...its there...thru a change in attitude and a new vested reknewal that life is worthy of our passions and zeal!