Fell in again like a sucker, how can I be smarter this time?

[Ella whispers]

In summary, I was involved in an A for a year. I broke it off and changed wmy work schedule to avoid seeing him. Over the next 2-3 months I started dating, felt better and kept him at a safe working distance.

Where I live it floods and we ended up flooded in at our building for 10 hours w/o power. We just talked, a lot and he expressed remorse for my being hurt. I got a lot of things off my chest and it felt good.

A mutual friend of ours passed away suddenly last month and since then we have talked regularly like before the A had ever started.

And today I felt myself slipping. Another rain storm, again we were stuck together. After 2 hours or so the tension was thick and we had sex. The same intense amazing sex. Someone warned me on here before that I would fall again, you were right I was wrong.

He is a big part of my life and I feel greedy for wanting him in my life.

I have no idea how this will end. I refuse to stop dating like I had before.

Hopefully having another relationship will keep me from getting hurt.

I do feel slightly guilty that I'm cheating on someone that I like but there are issues there w/ his ex wife.

I wish there was a guarantee that I wouldn't get hurt....

[nunyanunya]

If you're looking for a way out, the key to breaking this cycle is to love yourself. The validation you're seeking from this guy (something you're trying to devalue by seeking it from a new relationship) isn't a long term fix. This however seems to be the easiest thing to say, and I've been trying to figure it out for 2 years now.

 

What is it you ultimately want to come of all this?

[TigerCub]

I'm sorry Ella that after all the progress you made you're slipping.

oyi - matters of love suck sometimes

 

He is a big part of my life and I feel greedy for wanting him in my life.

You may feel greedy, but aren't you still settling for scraps?

 

I do feel slightly guilty that I'm cheating on someone that I like

Yeah, that's really not fair to the new guy. If you guys are exclusive, then you're cheating on him - and that's really not fair. If this guy is investing himself into the relationship with you - he doesn't deserve to be treated that way.

 

but there are issues there w/ his ex wife.

 

I'm not sure what the issues are, but at least HIS wife is an ex-Wife

Do you think that maybe these "issues" are now becoming a problem for you as a means for justifying what you're doing with the AP?

 

 

I wish there was a guarantee that I wouldn't get hurt....

Unfortunately, there isn't, and now the chances of the bf getting hurt are there as well.

 

I think it must be tough, to have made so much progress and then slip back into it all. I do understand that its really hard to follow our heads when our hearts want something else. I just hope that you don't end up wasting years on this guy and waste an opportunity of what could've been a happy relationship with the bf.

[lkjh]

not only are you the OW now but you are also a cheater. Break up with you bf since you obviously don't respect him

 

And please break this cycle of selfish behavior. Other people are involved.

[Ella whispers]

Thanks for the comments on noth sides. It's easy to judge when you aren't involved I understand that.

BF situation is this: She came to visit their child and he told me not to call or text him while she was here. I have been seeing him for 6 months but have yet to meet anyone in his family or circle of friends. He wants to keep me a secret but I'm not sure why. I have a feeling he isn't fully over that relationship and since that's the case I'm keeping him at arms length.

No need to be a sucker twice.

I am seeking fulfillment in the A and to a certain degree I get it. Someone who shares my career path and understands that frustration and of course the sexual aspect. We were close friends for years before the A began. I am aware that people can get hurt and I admit that it's selfish of me to be involved in one. His M is lacking what I give him, my relationship lacks what he gives me.

[Ella whispers]

What is it you ultimately want to come of all this?

 

 

To maintain the companionship and sexual gratification that I get by being the OW.

[Circular]

Chances are though that you will wind up getting hurt and the pain of these relationships, even if there isn't a D-Day, seem to last a lot longer and drive deeper more than others. Why, I haven't a clue but I'm speaking from my own experience.

 

I suppose what I understand from your words is what I experienced, somehow of all the people I've felt a connection with, coupled with her friendship was a very difficult thing to walk-away from.

 

My advice, definitely keep dating and try to break free of this guy. Realize that part of the draw of the relationship is that you're highly attracted to him but that's exaggerated by never completely having him.

[Ella whispers]

Thank you for that Circular. I have a lot of thinking to do.

[lkjh]

Thanks for the comments on noth sides. It's easy to judge when you aren't involved I understand that.

BF situation is this: She came to visit their child and he told me not to call or text him while she was here. I have been seeing him for 6 months but have yet to meet anyone in his family or circle of friends. He wants to keep me a secret but I'm not sure why. I have a feeling he isn't fully over that relationship and since that's the case I'm keeping him at arms length.

No need to be a sucker twice.

I am seeking fulfillment in the A and to a certain degree I get it. Someone who shares my career path and understands that frustration and of course the sexual aspect. We were close friends for years before the A began. I am aware that people can get hurt and I admit that it's selfish of me to be involved in one. His M is lacking what I give him, my relationship lacks what he gives me.

 

 

Nobody is judging you but the fact is that your actions can and will directly hurt other people. The fact that you need to justify them should tell you something.

 

 

Look if there are things you don't like about your bf then either talk with him or break up. These little problems do not justify cheating on him. I think you should separate from guys in general until you can sort yourself out. Using other people to get past your problems is not the way to go

[newlife2010]

Nobody is judging you

 

Actually, you were the only person who judged her.

[newlife2010]

Nobody is judging you but the fact is that your actions can and will directly hurt other people. The fact that you need to justify them should tell you something.

 

 

Look if there are things you don't like about your bf then either talk with him or break up. These little problems do not justify cheating on him. I think you should separate from guys in general until you can sort yourself out. Using other people to get past your problems is not the way to go

 

Having said what I did in my previous post, I agree that what you are doing is going to hurt innocent people. I understand why you ended up where you are, but there is a better way.

[lkjh]

Actually, you were the only person who judged her.

 

If I called her a bad person that would be judging her, if I called her a nasty name that didn't fit that would be judging her, if I told her she wasn't capable of becoming a better person that would be judging her.

 

 

but calling a cheater a cheater is not judging, it stating the obvious. Telling her that she does not respect her bf is stating the obvious unless you consider cheating him respectful. Telling her she should break up with her bf because of current state is stating the obvious unless you think it is good idea to stay with the guy and string him along until one day far far away he finds out and it destroys him.

[nunyanunya]

To maintain the companionship and sexual gratification that I get by being the OW.

 

How refreshingly honest of you!

 

At least your eyes are open.