Bunjyboy Posted October 4, 2010 Posted October 4, 2010 (edited) Cut a long story short, ex-GF dumped me 3 weeks ago because she 'wasnt ready for a relationship and she needed 'a rest'. It came out the blue and I didnt see it coming at all. Only been together for three months but it was very intense and it felt like a teenage romance (even though we're both 31). Declarations of love from both sides etc. So obviously I was very hurt. To make matters worse it was 3 weeks before she was due to move abroad for 6 months, we had orginally planned to have a LDR and I absolutely wanted to stay together. She then kept contact with me pretty much until she left to move abroad (I ignored her sometimes and sometimes didnt) and she kept telling me how shes unsure and confused and how shes not leaving me she just needs rest (even though she'd actually dumped me). Anyway it was rather unfair and she took me on somewhat of an emotional rollercoaster as I tried desperately to get her back, with no success. She left last Wednesday morning and is now in another country for 6 months. By Friday morning she was txting me saying she desperately needs to speak to me. I though it mite be something serious so agreed to talk to her later on MSN. Anyway after a bit of chit chat on MSN she bursts out saying she misses me badly and how shes so unhappy about the whole thing and that shes homesick etc etc. I didnt really know what to say so I sort of dodged any questions she asked me. During the course of this weekend she has been txting me loads and we've spoke for a fair few hours on MSN. Basically shes told me the following: She misses me very much She wants me back and needs me She was wrong about everything and her head was a mess She is very sorry for everything and the way she treated me She is finding it very difficult being away from me She realises that she wants me badly and that she can only ever be with me She loves me more than ever and admits I was right about everything (e.g. her treating me badly). She still considers me her BF and wants to be my GF and doesnt want to lose me She hopes we can be together properly again when she comes back in 6 months and she is visting in 9 weeks (for 2 weeks) and wants to see me everyday Now heres the thing, when she first dumped me weeks ago I distinctly remember telling my friend how "Once she leaves this country she'll realise what shes done and will want me back". It was obvious she didnt really know what was going on and her head was a mess and one she had some clarity and a break she would reconsider. On the one hand Im completely aware that shes very homesick, feels lonely and is struggling to adapt to her new environment. Basically Im taking everything she is telling me with a very large pinch of salt. Im weary that once she settles in, meets some new friends/guys she could quite possibly just drop me again and I'll hear from her less and less. I half expect this tbh and although Im probably just being cynical its what she has done to me. On the other hand, it was kinda obvious this was going to happen and once she had removed herself from the terrible situation she was in with her homelife and workplace she would start to regret her actions. Also I figure if she was 100% sure she wanted to dump me she would of cut contact once she moved or at least not really bothered to contact me as much. It would of been a good chance for her to bury it all. But now she seems to want me back badly. The problem is that shes obv in another country so any sort of meaningful reconcilliation would be impossible. Im not sure how to proceed over this. I have started to feel a lot better about the whole thing, wounds are healing nicely and I can see things a lot clearer now so Im thinking maybe just keeping in contact with her casually and then seeing what happens when she comes back in 9 weeks. I dont think Im that bothered by what goes on either way now and im keeping my guard up and being skeptical about the whole thing. I do still love her and want to work things out but I dont want to come accross as an idiot who can be walked on whenever she wants. Im treated her like a friend since she left. When we've chatted/txted its been her pouring out the emotions whilst Ive remained fairly calm and unsettled by the whole thing. Also I think its very easy to say all this stuff on MSN or whatever. Im concerned that maybe she is just playing me and telling me what I want to hear. But on the other hand its the most emotional shes ever been with me and she seems to be telling me the truth about her feelings. Plus I dont really see how it woul benefit her being like this with me unless she really wants me back. A problem is though is that she seems to assume that I will automatically take her back, this is a product of me pouring out my emotions after being dumped and desperately trying to get her back. The thing is though that since then Ive kind of moved on abit and feel much less inclined towards actually wanting her back. I want her to know this but I figure shes done plenty of crawling back now and dont really want to add to the list of things she should be doing (e.g. I dont want to make her feel any more guilty/upset because I think shes probably had a fair share of that now). Im thinking I should stay in touch with her (although not make any real effort to contact her, let her do that) by phone MSN whilst keeping my guard up about the whole thing. Be friendly and lighthearted and then see what happens over the coming weeks. Im not going to commit to anything until I see how she behaves with me when she comes back in 9 weeks. Im certainly not gonna jump back in and be a lovetsruck fool sitting at home waiting for her to call. Im not even gonna consider myself in an LDR. What you guys think?? Should I give her another chance or just cut contact and move on (which would be very easy given shes 3000 miles away)?? Edited October 4, 2010 by Bunjyboy
JP2009 Posted October 4, 2010 Posted October 4, 2010 This kind of sounds like my story except for she hasn't changed her mind. I haven't talked to her in over a week. I think she is keeping herself busy at school with school work and her friends. I'm hoping it hits her one day, but my guess is if it does happen it's going to be too late and I'll be too far gone. About your story. It is tough doing LDR, that is something you're going to have to decide. Tell her exactly how you feel. Tell her that your guard is going to be up and it isn't coming down anytime soon. You've said you've moved on. So since it is LDR, I guess I wouldn't jump into anything and then go back to the pain you felt before. Just feel it out for awhile.
Mad Max Posted October 4, 2010 Posted October 4, 2010 If you take her back, she'll do the same at a later date. Don't take her back. She needs to learn that you won't be a pushover and she'll just have to use it as a life lesson. Tough luck on her part. You'll find someone that loves you for you.
PhoenixLady Posted October 4, 2010 Posted October 4, 2010 I hate to say it but I agree with Max. Is this girl by any chance, in her 20's? That's typical behavior of a girl in her 20's anyway. If she's older than that, it's even more trouble. Bottom line is that when a woman (not a girl) knows you're the one she wants to be with, she doesn't break up with you after 3 months. Maybe to you it was very intense but to her it wasn't or she wouldn't have left things the way she did. She's singing a different tune now because she's probably lonely and in unfamiliar surroundings. You're someone familiar that she can use as her little safety blanket. I'd keep her at a safe distance, not only geographically...but emotionally as well.
Pipeline010 Posted October 4, 2010 Posted October 4, 2010 truth is you like this girl and it sounds like you aren't ready to give up yet. she certainly does sound very lonely and homesick. being surrounded by unfamiliar people and places will make you long for a strong connection to home. she has hooked onto you. does she actually want you or are you her anchor.....for now? her life is about to explode with new people, places, and things...will she still want you after that explosion? the fact she is returning in 9 weeks gives you peace. let her contact you MORE than you contact her. take the time to increase your own independence and find yourself as much as you can, even if you're just faking it (as i am). when she returns if she still has these feelings for you then you can begin your LDR. if her feelings fade in that short time you (hopefully) will be more equipped to handle it. my advice is do what i'm doing...get MAD, but don't totally give in to your anger. you still care for her? stuff her in the back of your mind and try not to hope TOO MUCH that it will work out..cause maybe it will maybe it won't. it's tough, and no amount of advice, working out, friends, or hooking up elsewhere will get her out of your head til your ready...just try to protect yourself. good luck, man.
Author Bunjyboy Posted October 4, 2010 Author Posted October 4, 2010 (edited) truth is you like this girl and it sounds like you aren't ready to give up yet. she certainly does sound very lonely and homesick. being surrounded by unfamiliar people and places will make you long for a strong connection to home. she has hooked onto you. does she actually want you or are you her anchor.....for now? her life is about to explode with new people, places, and things...will she still want you after that explosion? TBH Im not sure. I think things can go either way. Maybe after a few weeks I'll start to hear less and less from her as she has made new friends etc. On the other hand if she is being honest and genuine about her feelings for me it wont matter and she will always keep me close. Will be interesting to see what happens. the fact she is returning in 9 weeks gives you peace. let her contact you MORE than you contact her. take the time to increase your own independence and find yourself as much as you can, even if you're just faking it (as i am). when she returns if she still has these feelings for you then you can begin your LDR. if her feelings fade in that short time you (hopefully) will be more equipped to handle it. Yep this is pretty much what Im thinking. Ive already started to enjoy my free time and independence and in a way feel emotionally disconnected from her quite a bit. Its strange cos before she left I was the one pouring my heart out, I got it all out my system and have said everything I needed to say. Now the roles have reversed and shes the one whos emotions are everywhere. Ive been through the tunnel and although it still hurts I defintely feel like Ive reached towards the light at the end. I have much more clarity about the whole situation and feel generally much happier now. Im so far letting her do all the running now, Im putting a bit of distance between us and am not contacting her hardly at all. She is still conctacting me regularly telling me she misses me etc. What Ive done is Ive set myself little 'dates' as markers to decide whether or not to continue speaking to her e.g. Ive set exactly one month from now as the day when I will see what has been going on between us and figure that will give me a good idea as to how things are going. Then its the 9 week mark. As you say if she does indeed come back and is still showing feelings towards me maybe then I should consider starting a relationship with her again. In the meantime Im just keeping myself emotionally distant and being lighthearted with her. The way I see it if she is genuinely sorry and does still have strong feelings for me it she will maintain regular contact and still hold the line that she wants me back. Im not waiting around for her or anything and indeed consider myself single but think Ive probably got nothing to lose by keepin the lines of communication open with my ex. Edited October 4, 2010 by Bunjyboy
CrestfallenNoMore Posted October 4, 2010 Posted October 4, 2010 Frankly, anyone who said they "needed" me would send me running for the hills. I want to be wanted, not "needed" by a co-dependent head case. You have a very keen sense of self-awareness and awareness of the situation. I think you were spot on to assume that at least part of her reaction is due to being in a new environment where she doesn't know anyone. She's panicking, and she's clinging to you, which may have nothing to do with you as a person but be due to her situation. It sounds like you aren't ready to let her go, and with the geographical distance, you're probably in a good spot to "see what happens." But don't stop living your life, because it's just as likely you'll come back to post that she stopped messaging you because she met someone else.
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