charliecharlie Posted October 3, 2010 Posted October 3, 2010 I'm having a really bad day and I need a little help here. Break up: we broke up 1,5 month ago because my ex bf, who has trust issues, lost his feelings for me and he thought we weren't compatible. Told me he wasn't seeing someone else. Seemed to me he was not telling the truth and I asked him to leave to give me time to think. What happened post break up: * Ran into my ex bf one week post break up. He came to me out of politeness and shortly after starts putting much of the blame of our break up on me. He tells me he's in contact with someone else and I hit him in the face. * He comes to my house to bring back my stuff and we have a relatively good conversation. He tells me there's another woman but he doesn't want a relationship with her. * I ask him for a conversation and he tells me he has nothing to talk about and isn't interested. I tell him I'm not some occasional cheap ass but the woman who was with him for 1 whole year and he calls me. We talk and I don't get much wiser. He tells me he knows he can trust me but he just can't trust me :-S. He tells me there is no other woman and there has never been another woman, he never cheated on me etc. * I find out he hacked my hyves (which is something like facebook) to delete all his friends from it. He might also have hacked my email but I'm not sure. * I went to a psychologist and a personal coach to help myself, sessions start next week and I think it will be helpfull. * I also went NC for several weeks untill last week, when it was his birthday. I sent him a text to wish him a nice day and he replied "Thanks! I sure will! X" It's been weeks since I've seen him or spoken to him and I'm starting to enjoy things again. But at the same time, he's still on my mind 24/7 and I can't seem to get him off my mind. It seems like NC is only making things worse, as I don't know what is going on in his life right now. Yesterday I've been on a date with a man that could actually be great. We had a great time and I'll definitely see him again, although it reminded me of my ex bf. My ex was very alive, never a dull moment, and it seems like everyone is boring compared to him. I'm scared that my ex will keep standing in the way of anybody I can actually have a great relationship with, untill I get some kind of closure. Today I found out that my ex's best friend has been checking my hyves. It makes me wonder why and I feel like contacting him so much. To find out how my ex is doing, maybe if he's seeing someone else, or if he's still talking about me to his friends. I don't want to grand him that egoboost, so I stay NC but it's hard. But how will I get closure?
carhill Posted October 3, 2010 Posted October 3, 2010 At three months black hole NC, IMO, you will begin to see positive results. In the meantime, focus on friends and family for 'relationships' and do occasionally accept a date; however, if said date in any way 'reminds' you of your ex, either positive or negative, discontinue (dating). It's not fair to the other person because you are unavailable to them, since your ex is still on your mind. Eventually, your ex won't be on your mind and the dates will be fun and you might meet a compatible person After my wife and I separated, I didn't consider dating for nearly a year. At that point, no issues arose so now I date as I feel like it. If you feel you need counseling, my support for that. MC really helped me. Good luck
Billie The Puppet Posted October 3, 2010 Posted October 3, 2010 Everyone talks about closure, you are referring to this person as an ex by definition an ex means your relationship has come to an end an end by all means means closure. Your ex's actions > than your ex's words so if he hasn't been calling, begging you etc your relationship is done. What more closure do you need? I have asked for closure while in limited contact etc you know what I never got in words? Closure all I got was I love you but I am unsure if I am in love with you, I just need to be independent, I want to be single, If it's meant to be it will be. You know what effect that had on me by taking her words in? It didn't offer closure it reopened the idea of a chance. Then it got to me of course she won't say what she really means in fear it will hurt me even more etc or lose a friendship (Which she has because we are in NC). Basically what I am saying is move on, Yes it is hard cause even I still hold onto some sort of hope I can reconcile with the ex but moving on will only aid the possibility but doesn't guarantee one. Collegeguy_24 had a thread in meeting up with his ex where he got "Closure" and although even after closure it seems like he is still pining for another chance with his ex.
stoploss11 Posted October 3, 2010 Posted October 3, 2010 A breakup is closure, whether temporary or not. If you get back together it should be a new relationship w that person because the old one didnt work.
Author charliecharlie Posted October 3, 2010 Author Posted October 3, 2010 (edited) Thanks guys, I know you are right and I have to find closure for myself, and staying with NC is the only way. And Carhill, I've been reading the thread you sent along your message, the one No Fooling posted. I've read some interesting things on it that are really helpfull. When I think about my ex, I remember the good times when he was treating me like a princess, doing all kinds of stuff for me, telling me promising words. But I also remember his other ways, seducing me to have sex when his best friend was there, taking drugs when I was asleep, being mean to me after the break up, taking drugs (again) and going after all the girls when I ran into him at a party one week after the break up. Knowing him, I know that this is just his way of coping with the pain, but it doesn't matter why he does it, it's the fact that he does it that hurts. It's like he has two faces and I don't know the real him anymore. Is he the gentle, compassionate, loving, friendly, sensitive, charming and funloving man? Or the mean, self-centered, rude, inconciderate man? I guess I'm still hanging on way too much to the good side that I know is there, but his bad side has got it sofar that I don't trust him anymore. And while he says that I can't be trusted (which I can), I'm thinking, can he really be trusted? Is he who I thought he was or has he just been showing one version of himself? Then again, if he was a selfconfident mature person, I would not be seeing various versions of him, but only one version of him, the real him. Right? Edited October 3, 2010 by charliecharlie
carhill Posted October 3, 2010 Posted October 3, 2010 When you stop questioning who he was/is and what you had, you will have moved to *acceptance*, perhaps that he is *all* those things and you *did* have *happy* and *painful* times with him and that's OK. It's life. Acceptance is an emotional state of tranquility. It's an understanding of what one can and cannot change about life. You can absolutely change yourself. Each day of NC will change you. Heal you. Help you accept.
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