shane147 Posted October 3, 2010 Posted October 3, 2010 Sorry, I don't talk to many people about this, so I can vent on here a bit and look at replies. I've been married 15 years and we have 3 kids together. We were married right out of high school. We have both changed through the years and it is so very, very flat. I've tried all sorts of things, but honestly, my heart just isn't in it anymore. I'm in my early / mid 30's and I don't feel that things will ever change. Our communication is very, very poor. She is a control freak and would most likely sooner eat dog crap than admit when she is wrong. We recently moved to a new town for some new jobs. I thought that a change of scenery would help us out, but it hasn't. We even make way more money than we did before, so money isn't the big issue now. IN terms of intimacy, we were apart for several months and for a short time we were interested in each other. It didn't take long at all for everything to get back to feeling like a job again. The long and short of it is that she is very spoiled and see's no need to reciprocate how I treat her in bed. In so far as parenting, we get into some major fights because I feel that she undermines me as a father by making a big issue of how and when I discipline. For instance, she is quick to say... "if you don't do this or that... I'll get your father". When I intervene, she is very quick to second guess me or interrupt and sort of.. pull back the leash. Unfortunately, our kids don't get to see us very happy together very often, so I'm afraid that we are showing them a poor example of what a marriage should be. I am so scared that we can / will continue down this road we are on now, only to throw in the towel as soon as the kids are grown. She has thrown "maybe you should leave" at me many, many times and we have come close a few times, but a kiss and make up session puts a patch on things for a few weeks. I don't know what to do. I almost get irritated when I see couples together who smile and look genuinely happy. I don't know if it is an act or if that is how it really is.
feelingfine Posted October 3, 2010 Posted October 3, 2010 trust me...the grass usually isn't greener. Being alone is very very hard most of the time. Have you two tried talking to a therapist together? Maybe that could help...or at least then you could say you tried if you do end up splitting up. Good luck with your decision!
willowthewisp Posted October 3, 2010 Posted October 3, 2010 Your problems are sovable if you are both willing. There is no abuse or infidelity. See an MC. Also, don't compare your relationship to that of others, you don't REALLY know what someone elses relationship is like from the outside looking in. That is just thinking the grass is greener and as many on here will tell you (both those who have been left and the leavers-sometime later on) it is not greener, it's just grass with a whole new set of problems, because no one and no relationship is perfect. Marriage is work, so work on it. Sorry to be harsh but that is the reality unless you are happy to leave your high school sweetheart and your children, who will probably end up being raised by another man when your wife remarries. Is that what you really want because it doesn't have to be, not if you both learn to start communicating your needs with each other and the art of compromise. You will have to do this in the long run with someone else anyway, unless you plan to keep moving from one relationship to another?
Author shane147 Posted October 3, 2010 Author Posted October 3, 2010 I've suggested a m/c, but she isn't remotely interested. That is about the point where she will use my mother's failed marriage as proof that m/c doesn't work. She doesn't see the same problems that I see... or at least she won't acknowledge them. It just feels so difficult to talk to her that I sometimes wonder if I am waiting for something that will never happen.
karnak Posted October 3, 2010 Posted October 3, 2010 I almost get irritated when I see couples together who smile and look genuinely happy. I don't know if it is an act or if that is how it really is. Appearances can be deceiving, my friend. Many of those "happy, happy" couples you see on the street are in crappier relationships than yours, and are just performing a show. The worst it looks, the better you have to disguise, right?
You Go Girl Posted October 3, 2010 Posted October 3, 2010 Start with affectionately putting your arms around her and telling her that you want the two of you to be a team. Go for affection, cuddling, asking nothing more until other issues are settled. Sex is the last issue to work out, because it basically falls into place when the other problems are solved. Tell her no more "wait until your father gets home" as you're not the bad guy. The two of you should dole out punishments, when applicable, together. I don't really believe in punishment anyway. I sat my daughter down and had discussions with her, although I admit yelling intimidately a few times, which was wrong. But she was never 'grounded', etc. It works if you simply lay down the law. Two parents on the same page as to what is expected behavior from their kids are a wall the kids can never find a crack in. As Lincoln said--A house divided against itself cannot stand, or the popular saying--United we stand, divided we fall. Raising kids, marriage, it's all the same, the above applies.
willowthewisp Posted October 3, 2010 Posted October 3, 2010 I've suggested a m/c, but she isn't remotely interested. That is about the point where she will use my mother's failed marriage as proof that m/c doesn't work. She doesn't see the same problems that I see... or at least she won't acknowledge them. It just feels so difficult to talk to her that I sometimes wonder if I am waiting for something that will never happen. Have you told her explicitly that the problems that you see with your relationship are causing you to lose your feelings for her and that you are considering leaving/divorcing her?
Author shane147 Posted October 3, 2010 Author Posted October 3, 2010 Willow, about 2 years ago I wrote her a letter. It was basically the only way we could communicate at that time. I told her that if we couldn't blah, blah, blah... then we should consider ending it. For a while it was better. Then we had some career changes / advancements which required us to be apart for a rather long time. I guess the short answer is yes, I have said that... not exactly in those words though. I get really tired of being the one who gives the affection when she can pretty easily ignore me or push me away. I especially believe that it should be more of a give and take thing. We've spent the bigger part of 10 years like this and all we ever seem to do is put a patch on things until it goes back downhill. Even though she won't come out and say it, I know she isn't "in love" with me. I guess that what makes it worse is that I've hit a point where I don't care anymore either. Not that it is all about sex, it isn't. One of our most recent "blowups" happened when I attempted to initiate. She quickly moved my hand away from her chest so she could watch television. I didn't make a big issue of it,but I did say .... I will not do that again anytime soon. I told her that she was spoiled and got what she want, when she wanted it and that she would now find out what it is like for me to not care if we had intimacy or not. She got very angry, I got angry and it went straight downhill from that point with about a 4 hour yelling match. That is a pretty typical argument from that perspective.
karnak Posted October 3, 2010 Posted October 3, 2010 Even though she won't come out and say it, I know she isn't "in love" with me. I guess that what makes it worse is that I've hit a point where I don't care anymore either. Even though this may sound stupid, I don't know if you're either lucky or unlucky at this point. Most women, when they seem to reach the stage of "not in love anymore" either engage in affairs or ask for divorce. Your wife at least seems to try to keep the "till death do us part" vow.
willowthewisp Posted October 3, 2010 Posted October 3, 2010 (edited) Shane, I'm not trying to be difficult here and every situation is different and I don't know your relationship personally but, certainly for me when my X of nearly two decades left me without warning, informing me that he felt it was right for me also, I was rather P****d off to say the least! Whilst you may think your wife is not in love with you, unless you communicate with her you are not going to know. Like I said, every marriage is different and it may well be that both of you are unhappy, then again it may not. My X did not afford me the respect of telling me how he felt, he took nearly 20 years of my life and threw them in my face, without even a chance to work on anything. I know how devastating it is to be abandoned, that is why I am encouraging you to really consider if you have been clear. Only when you have been clear and she refuses to work on things can you be fair to what the two of you have shared. Edited October 3, 2010 by willowthewisp
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