my ex and my best friend

[EthanH]

I'm totally devastated atm. Regulars on here will have seen my posts over the past 7 months. I was told for months that she wanted to just be free, that essentially she didn't want a relationship of any kind, she didn't want the stress, she saw herself as weak to need someone else, she just wanted to party and concentrate on her uni work. I never accepted she was over me, and we got back together for 2 months between may and late july. She told me she still loved me but was just scared of commitment and the problems we had in our relationship.

 

The whole time she told people she missed me, the whole time she told people she wasn't over me. When she went cold on me again at the end of july, I emailed her and told her that I wasn't willing to be messed around anymore. She took this as me accepting that it was over. It was nothing of the sort, I did it partly as I felt it would make her make a decision etc, and part of the problem was that she did not respect me, I felt that this would gain her respect.

 

The complicated aspect is what has happened recently. In our first year, our friendship group was a group of 7. My ex, me, two couples - Rachel and Tom (Rachel was my ex's best friend), Carla and Hugh, and Kate. We were all so close, did all of our socialising together. Tom cheated on Rachel over and over near the end of last year, she always took him back, but eventually, decided that he wasn't worth it. I tried to help both of them. After Rachel decided it was over, it hit Tom, who tried to get her back, he fell apart and has since been on a lot of medication.

 

Tom and I were great friends, but we were both all over the place. We talked a lot to try and help each other. I was always there for him. He did some crazy things, tried to get Rachel to change her mind on the morning of some of her college exams which obviously messed up her exams! I opened up to him, he was one of the people I really spilled my guts to, telling him how much I loved my ex. He met her a few times in the summer and told me he tried to help my case.

 

College started back a few weeks back. I met Tom on the thursday, and told him about how much i still missed her. I was really emotional. We spoke for about 2 hours. The next day a friend accidentally let slip that my ex and Tom were together. It totally knocked me out. The friend had found out after Tom had phoned Rachel to basically ask her permission to be in a relationship with my ex. And told Rachel that she would always be 'his girl'. 1)how can he do that to his ex, who was my ex's best friend? 2) how could he do it to me? 3) how can she do it to me, and her best friend? (Rachel is currently on a year abroad)

 

The time we met on thursday, he didn't mention anything, lied to my face for hours while i went on about how much i still liked her. I have since found out that during the summer, when he met her, he showed her texts about her that i had sent him in confidence. I have pretty much decided I don't care if I ever see him again, I can't imagine not hitting him if I see him, but I know that's probably not the best idea. The problem is, I still love her. i hate myself for feeling this way. Everyone who knows her is disowning her. But I still believe that her doing this proves beyond all doubt that she wasn't/isn't over me... not that she wants to be with me anymore, but that her words saying that she wanted to be single and free were just front. And that she misses the closeness we had. Everyone slates him and says that had they not got together, there would still be a chance for my ex and i, because essentially she isn't over me.

 

I just don't know what to do. I know there is no hope for me of being with her again. But I cannot get the thought of them together out of my head.

Edited October 3, 2010 by EthanH

[jayone]

Wow. I thought mine was bad.

 

Mate, your young, and it's harsh to say but this is part of the learning process. I honestly say you find a new bunch of friends, or, do what I did at university ... focus on studies! You meet some amazing people working late in the library. Sorry getting off topic now.

 

Focus on yourself. Focus on your future. The best revenge is personal success. They see you doing really well and hate it.

 

Accept that it's done. There really is no point in ever going back to it. If you see them in your classes, take the alternative classes. I remember at university I could take my classes at 3 different times in the day. Not sure if you can do this.

 

It's a little bit hard for you to practice no contact because you will see them. But, don't lower yourself to their level. The last thing you want is to end up involved in an assault charge or booted out of school.

 

I've just had to let my ex walk away with thousands. I bit my tongue and said "if this is the price I pay to lose contact with the whole let of them then so be it".

 

You got any other friends outside that circle?

[EthanH]

I do have friends outside that circle, but the town my uni is in, it is tiny. I also work part time at the only bar that stays open past 12am, so I will see them every night they go out together. And I know this sounds stupid, but when i work in the day time, I have to stand behind the bar, with a huge window, and it faces the main street where most of my uni's students pass down to get to the library. Before any of this stuff broke with my ex and 'Tom', I realised I was on edge, found myself looking out for her walking past...and now, after this, I know I'm not going to be able to deal with it.

 

It makes things worse that he told me what he was going to try and do to get over Rachel. I know exactly how he is. He told me he would try and get with someone who makes him feel good about himself, and after a few weeks, he knows he will **** them around. I just didn't realise that it was going to be my ex who he did it to. The thought of them together drives me nuts.

 

Please as many people post on my situation... talking about this seems to help, well, maybe it doesn't help, but it is better for me than sitting around in silence!

Edited October 3, 2010 by EthanH

[EthanH]

can someone please please please give me some advice?

[jayone]

Hi EthanH ... again

 

What's your mindset at the moment? Do you 100% want her out of your mind and life?

[EthanH]

I know it's totally crazy, but I still love her. I wish I didn't. I wish hating her was enough. I hate her for what she has done. Not only has she done the thing she knows would hurt me most, but she has hurt her best friend beyond all recognition. Everyone who knows us says that the fact she has gone for him has shown beyond any doubt that she still isn't over me... if she was, she wouldn't go for someone she is close to, she would meet someone new. The fact she has gone for a good friend shows that she is needy, something which she has admitted before.

 

So to answer your question, I don't know how I could ever be happy with her, but I still love her.

[jayone]

Mate, from experience steer well clear. She is not worth the hassle.

 

I understand you have love for her, but you can erase that. You have to be willing to say "this is it, it's over".

 

Do you think you deserve to be treated that way? If she had any love or respect for you she wouldn't even look at your friend with a lustful eye let alone be with him.

 

Once you admit it's over and you're ready to put the soil on the coffin the battle is half done.

 

Have you ever heard the saying "A leopard never changes it's spots". It's true. And instead of chasing after a girl that has hurt you why don't you put your effort into finding a new girlfriend ... a fresh start?

 

I would not advise rushing into a relationship now, find yourself. But there are plenty of girls out there when you're ready.

 

At the end of the day it's your choice mate. But, it's not the end of the world and you WILL get over it. I promise you that.

[EthanH]

Thanks for your advice, I appreciate it.

 

First off, I'm not interested in any girls at all atm. Not because I never think I will meet anyone again, but because I'm not ready for or interested in a relationship. It wouldn't work and would be unfair on the girl. Essentially I have come to learn that you need to be over an ex before you get into anything else.

 

The thing is, the reason why this is all so difficult is that I have been told something for the past 7 months. I have resisted it, I believed she still wanted me, and in many ways she told me that was true. But the one thing which everyone seemed to agree was that she just didn't want a relationship. Not just with me, but with anyone. And that was the main problem. And so that is why it cuts me so deeply, that she is going into a relationship with him after less than a week of being with him. It makes no sense.

 

I don't agree that she doesn't care about me, I know it sounds like I'm in denial to say that, but I genuinely believe that she still cares, but cannot get over the feeling that getting back with me is the weak decision, while getting with Tom, a guy who has cried in front of her 3 times, she is close to him, but he is clearly not in love with her, I don't believe he can be, considering a matter of weeks ago he was still begging Rachel to take him back. This is easily the worst thing that has happened to me.

[Betrayal]

Hey man, I went thru the same thing last Christmas, my ex dumped me for my "friend" after 4.5 yrs together. I know how much it hurts mate, use this experience as motivation to improve urself and do things that you always wanted. Dun hope that she will come back, my ex is still with the guy. Even if they come back, the trust is all gone. DO NOT CONTACT THEM OR RESPOND TO THEIR CONTACTS!! it will only set you back in your healing.

All the best to you mate