Okay with porn, but this...not sure. Need input.

[kiss_andmakeup]

Hello all.

 

Generally speaking my boyfriend and I have a pretty healthy relationship. Mutual respect, emotional chemistry, attracted to each other, great sex life.

 

We also have an agreement in our relationship that it is okay for us to view porn if one of us is not home. We work opposite schedules on most days and sometimes have to go a few days without intimacy. I utilize porn maybe 1-2 times a week and I think he does about the same. Totally fine with this.

 

However, today I found out that he has an account on a site - adultsharing.com. Not sure if any of you are familiar with the site, but it seems to be a forum community where people (mostly women) post nude pictures or videos of themselves and ask for feedback (aka attention). While my boyfriend hasn't made any posts it's obvious he's been browsing since his last login was Sept. 18.

 

For some reason this makes me uncomfortable, while just plain old impersonal porn videos do not.

 

So my question is: to those of you in a relationship that tolerates occasional porn usage, how would you feel about this?

 

Thanks in advance.

[LucreziaBorgia]

To me, porn is like watching any movie or TV show but with a different purpose. Interacting with actual people crosses the line from objective viewing to subjective interaction. Dealbreaker, in other words.

 

One is about fantasy, the other about intent.

[kiss_andmakeup]

To me, porn is like watching any movie or TV show but with a different purpose. Interacting with actual people crosses the line from objective viewing to subjective interaction. Dealbreaker, in other words.

 

One is about fantasy, the other about intent.

 

That's how I feel, but do you think I should still be concerned even though he hasn't actually filled out a profile, contacted anyone, replied to any threads, or made a thread of his own? It appears h's just browsing pictures and videos....which, I assume his argument will be, is the same as viewing regular porn pictures and videos.

 

I guess it bothers me that he's on a site where he potentially COULD communicate with someone if he liked their picture/video enough.

 

I just don't know what to do.

[EnigmasMuse]

Have you brought this up with him? Asked him about it? You might want to share your concerns with him.

[aerogurl87]

My ex wanted to do this crap. Because he knew I was ok with him watching porn, he tried to get me to be ok with it by calling it "interactive porn". Hence one of the reasons he is an ex.

 

I wouldn't be ok with it and I wasn't ok with it. That just crosses a boundary to me that need not be crossed. Porn is one thing, but talking to an actual person about how hot/sexy they are is quite another.

[kiss_andmakeup]

My ex wanted to do this crap. Because he knew I was ok with him watching porn, he tried to get me to be ok with it by calling it "interactive porn". Hence one of the reasons he is an ex.

 

I wouldn't be ok with it and I wasn't ok with it. That just crosses a boundary to me that need not be crossed. Porn is one thing, but talking to an actual person about how hot/sexy they are is quite another.

 

I guess that's why I'm not sure if I should be concerned. He hasn't commented or posted or interacted with anyone in any way. The forum is the exact same format as this one, where you can see when the member joined and the postss they've made. In the two years since he's created his account he hasn't psoted on anyone else's threads nor has he started one of his own. Which is why I'm assuming he just browses for pics/videos.

 

should I just keep an eye on it to make sure it doesn't go any further, or should I confront him about it now?

[threebyfate]

While I find porn a joke and H. isn't a user, it wouldn't have bothered me if he was, to a low level.

 

Interactive porn is cheating, in my opinion. How long will he be able to resist not interacting if the temptation is there and he's on that site fairly frequently?

 

I'd talk to him about it now, before it becomes a real problem.

[JackJack]

"should I just keep an eye on it to make sure it doesn't go any further, or should I confront him about it now?"

 

 

Talk with him about this now, Not later, there is no reason to "keep and eye on it." Even if it doesn't go any further, if you keep and eye on it, who knows how long you'll be doing that.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Hello all.

Generally speaking my boyfriend and I have a pretty healthy relationship. Mutual respect, emotional chemistry, attracted to each other, great sex life.

We also have an agreement in our relationship that it is okay for us to view porn if one of us is not home. We work opposite schedules on most days and sometimes have to go a few days without intimacy. I utilize porn maybe 1-2 times a week and I think he does about the same. Totally fine with this.

However, today I found out that he has an account on a site - adultsharing.com. Not sure if any of you are familiar with the site, but it seems to be a forum community where people (mostly women) post nude pictures or videos of themselves and ask for feedback (aka attention). While my boyfriend hasn't made any posts it's obvious he's been browsing since his last login was Sept. 18.

For some reason this makes me uncomfortable, while just plain old impersonal porn videos do not.

So my question is: to those of you in a relationship that tolerates occasional porn usage, how would you feel about this?

Thanks in advance.

 

This should not be a big deal. Your issue is with interaction right?

 

Unless he is telling you how to dress and who you can speak to... this really isn't a situation where you have the right to get controlling.

 

The website has the potential for interaction... but that's it... potential.

 

Let him have his account and use the site... just make sure you have his username and password. Problem solved.

 

I really think this is a freakout over lack of info about how this site works more than anything else.

[kiss_andmakeup]

This should not be a big deal. Your issue is with interaction right?

 

Unless he is telling you how to dress and who you can speak to... this really isn't a situation where you have the right to get controlling.

 

The website has the potential for interaction... but that's it... potential.

 

Let him have his account and use the site... just make sure you have his username and password. Problem solved.

 

I really think this is a freakout over lack of info about how this site works more than anything else.

 

I don't think I wrote anything in my post that qualifies as a freak out. Merely asking for opinions. In fact I think I've been more fair and level headed than most women would be. The main point of my post was deciding whether or not I should be concerned.

[PegNosePete]

I think you need to make it clear what the boundaries are. That it is fine to look but not to do anything else. It's a slippery slope. He may just need a little nudge now to keep him on the right track, but if you leave him unchecked he may justify it to himself and then you'll have a harder time. So I don't think he's currently done/doing anything wrong, but you should make it clear that it mustn't go any further.

[JackJack]

I don't think I wrote anything in my post that qualifies as a freak out. Merely asking for opinions. In fact I think I've been more fair and level headed than most women would be. The main point of my post was deciding whether or not I should be concerned.

 

Well you are gonna get people to tell you yeah you should be concerned and then some will say no. Regardless, it all comes down to how you feel about. If you feel there is a concern there, then it needs to be addressed.

[kiss_andmakeup]

Well you are gonna get people to tell you yeah you should be concerned and then some will say no. Regardless, it all comes down to how you feel about. If you feel there is a concern there, then it needs to be addressed.

 

Thanks. I liked pegnosedpete's post about just having a talk about boundaries. It's easy to just assume that your sig. other is on the same page as you, especially when you're so alike as my boyfriend and I are. But I think you are right and while I'm not mad at him at all, it's a good idea to set some boundaries so I don't end up with anything to get mad about.

[abouttoloseit]

The main point of my post was deciding whether or not I should be concerned.

 

Well you've kinda already shown you ARE concerned by posting on here in the first place...or else you wouldn't be concerned.

 

 

 

...this really isn't a situation where you have the right to get controlling...

 

...just make sure you have his username and password...[/Quote]

 

Am I seeing hypocrisy here? How is this not controlling? In fact, when two people enter a relationship, exclusive, the expectation of being faithful is control in itself. Some people call it courtesy, boundary.

 

However, if you want to argue that being faithful is not control, perhaps a selfless act, but in 'fear' of being unfaithful, they will lose their partner? Fear of losing, they adhere to certain behaviours...like being faithful > control.

 

You are controlled on your way to work when a traffic signal tells you to stop. A machine having the right to make you stop!? For what? In fear of having an accident? It doesn't have the right maybe? But you still stop. For the safety of others. Control. Just different degree.

 

 

...it seems both of you are extremely insecure in the relationship in the first place.

 

 

That sound's a bit far fetched. How did you get to this assumption based off one small niggle in their relationship?

 

 

You should be able to use porn as much as you want, as should he. If him using interactive porn, if that's what he's doing, is a deal-breaker for you, then you need to tell him that and let him make up his mind about what is more important to him, you, or "it."

 

[/Quote]

 

If people did WHATEVER they wanted, ie watch porn as much as they liked, with who ever, without who ever etc...a lot of people would get hurt in the world. Thankfully this is not a majoy life threatening deal but you sound like a "me me me" person.

 

Hopefully, the thread starter won't need to give him an ultimatum because thats what dictators do. Hopefully they will find comprimise.

 

I believe in a relationship, comprimise is a must. What she is saying is that this small problem is causing concern, and whether she should be upset by it. I don't think there is a yes or no answer, if you are upset or concerned then that's what you are!

 

Kissandmakeup:

 

Check whether he is actually interacting with anybody. He may have signed up just to get certain access or god knows what. Check by asking him, don't snoop! He may just be looking. In which case...is this ok with you?

 

If for the worse, he is interacting, just explain why you are uncomfortable with it. If he's a good guy he will see ur upset and make an effort to fix things. If not...you decide whether its a deal breaker.

 

Control is everywhere, in life, relationships...it's silly to asume anyone is not affected by it. I call it comprimise/sacrifice to create something better!

 

My $.02