The Pain Goes On

[UnsureinSeattle]

My gf discussed her EA with a friend or two at work, as well as her best friend (who kept encouraging her in her actions from afar). The work people were not people she would normally talk to about such things.

 

A "burden" shared is a burden halved? I dunno.

[seibert253]

Judging by the tone of your posts, you still want to try to work this out. Fine, after investing 25yrs, I can understand this. But, in order for this to work, you need to be willing to walk away.

IMO your W has done very little to put this behind, and help you through this ordeal. She's very selfish, that's a fact.

So what now? You have to decide; are you willing to do EVERYTHING to help fix this, or are you going to continue to roll over and let your W dictate what goes on.

YOU should be dictating what goes on in your life, not her. Whose idea was it to move back to her mom's? I surmise it was her's. Is that really what you want to do? If not, tell her. "No, I'm not running away from this like you".

YOU should be the one dictating what SHE has to do to EARN the right to remain in your marriage. Actually it's not dictating, but telling her what you expect from her. It's her choice to abide by what you expect, but she has free will not. You just make it crystal clear what will happen if she doesn't. Tell her; "You can do A, B, C, and D, or not, but it's your choice. If you do these then I will CONSIDER remaining M'd to you. If you choose not, then I will D you".

She needs clear expectations from you, and she needs to know the consequences if she violates these expectations.

If I were you, this is what I would do:

If you do not want to move back to her mom's, tell her; "I do not want to move to XXX, and I do not see how doing so will help heal our M". "You can choose to move home and confront our issues, or you can remain at XXX. This is your choice, but if you choose not to move home, I WILL begin D proceedings".

Also tell her; "your continued conversations with persons outside our family show me you have no respect for my feelings are wishes. I WILL NOT remain M'd to a W who refuses to show me respect, or respect my wishes. Any further conversations with ANYONE regarding YOUR infedelity will leave me no choice but to begin D proceedings".

Start with this and work forward.

You need to stand firm and take charge of this situation. Her moving away, this leads me to believe she may still be involved in the A, and needed space in order to maintain it.

Believe NOTHING what she tells you. She's a liar, you've already proved this.

She needs to EARN the right to stay married to you. So far she's done little to show you this.

 

Peace and good luck

Keep us updated

[Bryanp]

You judge people by their actions and not their words. Her actions indicate that she totally selfish and has absolutely no respect for you and your feelings. If you do not respect yourself then who will? Why would you continue to love a woman who continually lies and humiliates and disrespects you in the worst possible ways. You would have to be a masochist to stay in this relationship. I really feel sorry for you because unfortunately you just don't get it. If you knew then what you know now would you still have married her? Why would your wife love a husband who continually accepts lies, betrayals and disrespect from her? You continually allow and accept yourself to be emotionally abused by this woman. I don't think she ever really stopped laughing at you. You deserve so much better. I am sad that apparently you do not think so. I wish you luck.

[Distant78]

You judge people by their actions and not their words. Her actions indicate that she totally selfish and has absolutely no respect for you and your feelings. If you do not respect yourself then who will? Why would you continue to love a woman who continually lies and humiliates and disrespects you in the worst possible ways. You would have to be a masochist to stay in this relationship. I really feel sorry for you because unfortunately you just don't get it. If you knew then what you know now would you still have married her? Why would your wife love a husband who continually accepts lies, betrayals and disrespect from her? You continually allow and accept yourself to be emotionally abused by this woman. I don't think she ever really stopped laughing at you. You deserve so much better. I am sad that apparently you do not think so. I wish you luck.

 

Agreed 100%.

[wicar1]

Smell troll

[Jonah]

Thanks guys, your right I am in denial !!

 

But why the ****, would she want to discuss this with girls she has known for a metter of weeks, why would she break that MASSIVE PROMISE, Anyone......................?

 

Thanks

 

Just to let you know sir... I can relate to your desire to keep the problems "in house". She can't follow those instructions... time to start a new life - become a new man. If you ever loved this woman then you loved who you thought she was - not who she really is. Though I like to remember my previous ladies, this is one that I suggest you completely forget.

[Steadfast]

Over time, lying becomes a part of who you are and like any bad habit, it's hard to break. Clearly, your wife enjoys talking about him/it but lies to you and says she doesn't. That's an odd twist.

 

But I have some experience with it too.

 

When my ex began cheating, she lied about where she was and what she was doing. I can see that; it's scary to teeter on the edge of losing a 16-year marriage. In a short amount of time (and with my prodding) things progressed enough for her to confess all, including ILYBINILWY, and followed by my eventual devastation, etc. What came next is the part that continues to confuse me though. What answers I do have, I've deduced on my own.

 

After she moved out, she lied about wanting to see other men. ("needed time"). Ok, I can see that too. Still in the separated-but-haven't-filed phase of our breakup, I was fixing her car and found a purse full of condoms inside. She (lied) and told me the purse was trash that she hadn't thrown out yet. Then I caught her with another man, filed, and let her go for good. Over time, both pre-and-post divorce, I caught her in many lies and even got her to confess that she lied to me constantly, but didn't know why.

 

Another lie? You tell me.

 

When I explained that she was single now and there was no reason to lie anymore, she continued to lie about almost every phase of her life. My conclusion is that she,

 

a) really gets off on lying to me or,

b) continues to build/maintain some sort of facade of how she wants me to view her as a person.

 

Again, I have no idea why she'd feel this way. I say this because when I let her go, part of that process was releasing her influence on me. Her anger, threats, actions and attitude would at one time be my greatest concern, but no longer. Could it be that cheaters are the ones that can't let go? I sometimes wonder. According to family and friend -including our kids- her life has not gone smoothly. Perhaps that's yet another lie? Who's to truly know?

 

And that, more than anything is why I moved on, and why you must too. Let this one go. It seemed to me that my wife was emotionally stable, honest and respectable throughout 98% of our marriage. Either she had me completely snowed, or she radically changed. I honestly do not know.

 

I do know she's a liar, and you can't be happily married to that.

Edited December 23, 2010 by Steadfast

[Darth Vader]

Folks,

 

It's been some time since I posted on here. I've had a lot of therapy since this, the military have been good to me. Sent me on an ex military course for those with PTSD, it really helped in a big way, made me see that there is a future out there for me. Trouble is I'm still in some kind of love with my wife, I know many on here will be shocked at that, but I've given her 25 years like she has with me.

 

She's moved away to be with her parents as she said that she could'nt get over him, the plan is for me to follow her at some time and try ans restart.

 

I made her make me a promise well it was more like a vow!! the promise was that she would never discuss this with anyone bar her parents and family, if we were to make a go of it then it was important to me that nobody knew about the past. When I took the kids up to see her a few weeks ago, I asked have you told anyone like you promised/vowed, she said 'look into my eyes I am so sorry for the pain that I have caused, I made that promise to you and I will not break it, I have come here to forget about him, to start afresh, and so will never discuss the affair with anyone'.

 

I saw her at the weekend and after finding texts !!, she admitted that she has discussed the affair with co-workers !!

 

She does'nt understand the impact that this has caused, I can't understand why she would discuss it with anyone after the promise she made. So much for starting afresh.

 

Just feel like there will NEVER be any trust. WHY WOULD SHE DISCUSS IT WITH GIRLS AT WORK......................... Is he still in her HEART ??

 

Again Many Thanks

 

 

To answer your question, underlined part: She's a BITCH! Drop her ASS NOW! It's that simple! There's your answer!

[macgyver359]

Thanks guys, your right I am in denial !!

 

But why the ****, would she want to discuss this with girls she has known for a metter of weeks, why would she break that MASSIVE PROMISE, Anyone......................?

 

Thanks

 

 

It's because there the ones that wanted her to do it in the first place. I 'am sure of this, it's the hen syndrome. All the wayward women all get together to talk about the latest strange di*ck. She loves the strange. I bet you this is not the first time this has happened, or the last also. I would tell her you want a lie detector test on her. Most waywards will freak out over this talk. If she says fine, I will do it. You must say fine, I called this place, and found out what it costs, I will setup a appointment right now for tomorrow. Make sure you print out the info for her to see. Now understand you are trying to scare her into telling more about her other affairs and such. Most people go crazy over this if they have something to hide. Also go to this site and read about other people problems. They have a very good group of helpers on that site.

 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/

 

Look for the people with the most replies, they help the best.

Also you need a voice recorder for her car. They can record for 500 hours now. I bet you can find out some more sh*t with this. I think she has a other cell phone with her,or out in her car. Look for this, it may tell more info you need. I would hire a friend she did not know, to follow her for a day or two on the weekend. What does her mom dad say about this ? Talk to them about what she did.

[robertridgeback]

FILED FOR D I V O R C E

 

Thanks For All Your Help Guys.

[WifeCheatedOnMe]

Over time, lying becomes a part of who you are and like any bad habit, it's hard to break. Clearly, your wife enjoys talking about him/it but lies to you and says she doesn't. That's an odd twist.

 

But I have some experience with it too.

 

When my ex began cheating, she lied about where she was and what she was doing. I can see that; it's scary to teeter on the edge of losing a 16-year marriage. In a short amount of time (and with my prodding) things progressed enough for her to confess all, including ILYBINILWY, and followed by my eventual devastation, etc. What came next is the part that continues to confuse me though. What answers I do have, I've deduced on my own.

 

After she moved out, she lied about wanting to see other men. ("needed time"). Ok, I can see that too. Still in the separated-but-haven't-filed phase of our breakup, I was fixing her car and found a purse full of condoms inside. She (lied) and told me the purse was trash that she hadn't thrown out yet. Then I caught her with another man, filed, and let her go for good. Over time, both pre-and-post divorce, I caught her in many lies and even got her to confess that she lied to me constantly, but didn't know why.

 

Another lie? You tell me.

 

When I explained that she was single now and there was no reason to lie anymore, she continued to lie about almost every phase of her life. My conclusion is that she,

 

a) really gets off on lying to me or,

b) continues to build/maintain some sort of facade of how she wants me to view her as a person.

 

Again, I have no idea why she'd feel this way. I say this because when I let her go, part of that process was releasing her influence on me. Her anger, threats, actions and attitude would at one time be my greatest concern, but no longer. Could it be that cheaters are the ones that can't let go? I sometimes wonder. According to family and friend -including our kids- her life has not gone smoothly. Perhaps that's yet another lie? Who's to truly know?

 

And that, more than anything is why I moved on, and why you must too. Let this one go. It seemed to me that my wife was emotionally stable, honest and respectable throughout 98% of our marriage. Either she had me completely snowed, or she radically changed. I honestly do not know.

 

I do know she's a liar, and you can't be happily married to that.

 

Man the above is a perfect representation of where I've been and where I'm at. I believe too that something simply snapped in my wife and turned her into a completely different person. She is no longer the person I married and was with for 12 years. She is completely alien and foreign to me now. The hardest part has been to mourn the loss of what she once was and accept that she is no longer that person and that I should no longer carry deep emotional ties to this woman. I will always love her for who she was, but that person has died and I mourn that loss. Now I'm left with someone that looks like her but is not and that's hard. I've slowly been releasing her, no longer concerned about her feelings and no longer falling for her guilt trips. It's a hard process, especially with shared children, but it's a must. I didn't mean to hijack Rob's thread, but just had to comment on the above as it exactly fits my thoughts and feelings now.

 

PS....What's really scary is that this seems not to be a rare occurrence to both men/women. What faith is there that the next woman I'm with won't turn into the same devil in a few years. Makes me wonder is marriage even worth it anymore.

Edited January 1, 2011 by WifeCheatedOnMe

[seibert253]

FILED FOR D I V O R C E

 

 

 

Thanks For All Your Help Guys.

 

 

Bravo!

 

I bet this will get her attention. Either way, you win.

 

She'll either get her ***** together and do what is right to win you back, or; you can go and find you a woman who will be true, and treat you with the love and respect you deserve.

 

Again, Bravo!

[Darth Vader]

FILED FOR D I V O R C E

 

 

 

 

Thanks For All Your Help Guys.

 

 

Ok, I gotta ask, what was/is the last straw? What's happened?

 

In any case, protect yourself financially, cancel any and all credit cards(she'll rack up credit card debt quick!) Protect your house, retirement plans, like a 401K and whatever else. Go for custody of the children(if it's possible in your state, heck, I'd still go for custody!) Don't move out of the home, if anyone leaves, it's her! She cheated, she leaves!

Edited January 2, 2011 by Darth Vader